Waiting to have sex

[slant]

Damn yeah there's no way in hell I'm waiting six years lol. I read a study that suggested couples that wait six months tend to last longer and I was like six months is CRAZY.

I'm just at the point where I'm going weeks. like what amount of weeks would be acceptable to me. I'm gonna talk to him about it and tell him basically there's gotta be an end point to this wait game.

Sex is important! If I didn't want sex I would just be friends I have plenty of emotional intimacy with my friends, I'm looking for sexual intimacy!

It's really a cramp on my lifestyle to invest so much time in something just because someone is afraid it won't work out. Either commit to me or don't! There's no in between.

See! Getting y'all opinion helped a great deal. Showed me what I definitely do not want!

 

[slant]

our perspectives don't matter. this is a personal choice you have to make. it has to feel right to you. that's all that matters

Calm down.

I didn't ask because I was going to take your guys opinion to heart.

I wanted perspective.

Plus it's interesting to see in general.

It's sounding to me that I'm abnormally quick when it comes to these things which makes a lot of sense in retrospect with the reactions I've gotten from people I've dated

 

[ReasonEnduring]

Damn yeah there's no way in hell I'm waiting six years lol. I read a study that suggested couples that wait six months tend to last longer and I was like six months is CRAZY.

I'm just at the point where I'm going weeks. like what amount of weeks would be acceptable to me. I'm gonna talk to him about it and tell him basically there's gotta be an end point to this wait game.

Sex is important! If I didn't want sex I would just be friends I have plenty of emotional intimacy with my friends, I'm looking for sexual intimacy!

It's really a cramp on my lifestyle to invest so much time in something just because someone is afraid it won't work out. Either commit to me or don't! There's no in between.

See! Getting y'all opinion helped a great deal. Showed me what I definitely do not want!

Indeed. What works for one doesn't work for all.

Be aware though that often a high value in one apect of a relationship can cost in others.

I value above all things in a relationship loyalty. My relationship works because we are both loyal and I can trust my wife with anything.

Just be aware men who value sex highly often tend to be... unreliable in other areas of a relationship. Just something I've observed in my friends and aquaitences.

Not saying all men who jump into sex in a relationship are flaky, but a lot of men who are flaky also tend to jump straight to sex in relationships.

Becareful, as I'm sure you will be.

 

[acd]

Sex is one of those things where you just have to be on the same wavelength. Waiting works if both people want to wait. No one can give you a time frame. I'd be thinking about the pattern that you are noticing emerge with these guys. Maybe you need to find a way to break out of it to find someone who wants what you want. I've been quick to physically get to know the men I was seeing because it was a way to explore myself and others and see if we were compatible there. But actually I've always been a serial monogamist. Meeting someone who wants to wait hasn't been my experience.

 

[slant]

Indeed. What works for one doesn't work for all.

Be aware though that often a high value in one apect of a relationship can cost in others.

I value above all things in a relationship loyalty. My relationship works because we are both loyal and I can trust my wife with anything.

Just be aware men who value sex highly often tend to be... unreliable in other areas of a relationship. Just something I've observed in my friends and aquaitences.

Not saying all men who jump into sex in a relationship are flaky, but a lot of men who are flaky also tend to jump straight to sex in relationships.

Becareful, as I'm sure you will be.

Well I mean that doesn't really bother me. I'm poly for one thing so I can just supplement to fill in the gaps if need be.

But I'm not looking for someone to marry. I'm not even looking for someone to eventually move in with. I just want a guy who I can spend maybe 1 or 2 nights a week with, have fun, love, romance, sex, all of that. Should he have needs outside of the relationship he's free to explore that.

I'm starting to gradually realize what I want in a relationship is not the general desire of many people I know. Not sure why that is, but it is what it is.

 

[acd]

@slant are the guys you see polyamorous? Maybe that's a dumb question. But do they have experience in these types of relationships or are they just saying they are open to it?

 

[slant]

Sex is one of those things where you just have to be on the same wavelength. Waiting is good if both people want that. No one can give you a time frame. I'd be thinking about the pattern that you are noticing emerge with these guys. Maybe you need to find a way to break out of it to find someone who wants what you want. I've been quick to physically get to know the men I was seeing because it was a way to explore myself and others and see if we were compatible there. But actually I've always been a serial monogamist. Meeting someone who wants to wait hasn't been my experience.

I think my problem is I don't tend to be comfortable with men who are highly sexual in the beginning. It takes me a couple of dates at least to warm up and usually the first 2 dates the most physical contact there is, is the goodbye and hello hug. Rarely a kiss.

But then on the third date I'm usually fairly comfortable going all in, and by that time I'm usually dealing with men who go slower with intimacy. I don't know why things work the way they work for me but they do.

 

[slant]

@slant are the guys you see polyamorous? Maybe that's a dumb question. But do they have experience in these types of relationships or are they just saying they are open to it?

The last guy I was with was poly but he broke up with me. The guy I'm currently seeing when he asked me out I straight up told him I was poly and he said he'd never tried it but he was fine with it. I told him to read this book about it. So yeah I let them know.

 

[Gaze]

You may have to consider @slant that both of you are not sexually on the same page, and do what's right for you and walk away. If he doesn't want to, why push him? I can't help feeling as if the roles were reversed, we'd be more understanding and supportive, but because it's a guy, we're more doubtful of why he isn't ready to dive in. His feelings and concerns sound normal. If he doesn't want to have sex too soon because he doesn't want to end up feeling connected, and regret it if the relationship ends soon, why push? If he doesn't want to dive in too quickly, maybe he's being smart about it for himself. He's the one who'll have to deal with those feelings if things happen the way he fears.

I've felt pressured to feel I should just be ready as others have and I've known the person a long time, and yes, we were intimate before, and took a break, but when sex became an expectation or an assumption rather than a choice, it was extremely uncomfortable. And if you do give in, something that's supposed to feel good, can make you feel weird or empty in the end.

 

[slant]

You may have to consider @slant that both of you are not sexually on the same page, and do what's right for you and walk away. If he doesn't want to, why push him? I can't help feeling as if the roles were reversed, we'd be more understanding and supportive, but because it's a guy, we're more doubtful of why he isn't ready to dive in. His feelings and concerns sound normal. If he doesn't want to have sex too soon because he doesn't want to end up feeling connected, and regret it if the relationship ends soon, why push? If he doesn't want to dive in too quickly, maybe he's being smart about it for himself. He's the one who'll have to deal with those feelings if things happen the way he fears.

I've felt pressured to feel I should just be ready as others have and I've known the person a long time, and yes, we were intimate before, and took a break, but when sex became an expectation or an assumption rather than a choice, it was extremely uncomfortable. And if you do give in, something that's supposed to feel good, can make you feel weird or empty in the end

Why would you wait to have sex in a relationship?

How long would you wait? Why that amount of time?

At what point is too long and would be reasonable to sort of be like 'hey, we kinda need to have sex or I'm moving on'?

The thing is, he wants to have sex. He's actively forcing himself not to because he was this belief that somehow it will make the relationship last longer.

I don't want to force him to do anything. I'm just not very experienced in relationships so I'm not sure if this is a common practice and how long it's supposed to go on. I'm willing to wait, just not for an extended period of time, and I was trying to gauge what my desires are in comparison to others'.

 

[Gaze]

The thing is, he wants to have sex. He's actively forcing himself not to because he was this belief that somehow it will make the relationship last longer.

I don't want to force him to do anything. I'm just not very experienced in relationships so I'm not sure if this is a common practice and how long it's supposed to go on. I'm willing to wait, just not for an extended period of time, and I was trying to gauge what my desires are in comparison to others'.

Thanks for clarifying. Have you guys spoken about where you want this relationship to go? Or how casual or serious you want this relationship to be?

 

[slant]

Thanks for clarifying. Have you guys spoken about where you want this relationship to go? Or how casual or serious you want this relationship to be?

Yeah. I told him upfront what I wanted and he didn't seem to have any conflicts about it. I've been extremely clear and straightforward with him every step of the way. Nothing has been left vague.

 

[acd]

I think my problem is I don't tend to be comfortable with men who are highly sexual in the beginning. It takes me a couple of dates at least to warm up and usually the first 2 dates the most physical contact there is, is the goodbye and hello hug. Rarely a kiss.

But then on the third date I'm usually fairly comfortable going all in, and by that time I'm usually dealing with men who go slower with intimacy. I don't know why things work the way they work for me but they do.

Yeah it's weird if immediately it's all about sex. I've been on first dates where men asked for sex and it was a huge turn off. At least give it a couple of dates to build up to that. I'm with you on that.

So by the time you're ready for that you're realizing these guys are wanting to take things slower. I guess you just have to decide if you want to put sex off until the time is right for both of you or not and move on. But you are also open to being with others and your partner is ok with that too. So you could get to know this guy while being physical with someone else. However, it sounds like then you meet another guy and he is also wanting to wait. Lol it sounds like a Seinfeld episode if Elaine was a millennial.

 

[slant]

Yeah it's weird if immediately it's all about sex. I've been on first dates where men asked for sex and it was a huge turn off. At least give it a couple of dates to build up to that. I'm with you on that.

So by the time you're ready for that you're realizing these guys are wanting to take things slower. I guess you just have to decide if you want to put sex off until the time is right for both of you or not and move on. But you are also open to being with others and your partner is ok with that too. So you could get to know this guy while being physical with someone else. However, it sounds like then you meet another guy and he is also wanting to wait. Lol it sounds like a Seinfeld episode if Elaine was a millennial.

Yeah they all just want to wait. I also don't have the emotional bandwidth or time right now to go seeking another guy. Basically he's just going to have to decide or at least give me a ballpark. Weeks I can do. Months? No thanks

 

[acd]

Yeah they all just want to wait. I also don't have the emotional bandwidth or time right now to go seeking another guy. Basically he's just going to have to decide or at least give me a ballpark. Weeks I can do. Months? No thanks

I would not recommend ultimatums about sex lol. Gotta be on the same wavelength or willing to get on his until he's ready. Sounds like he's not into casual but wants a serious relationship.

 

[Gaze]

Yeah. I told him upfront what I wanted and he didn't seem to have any conflicts about it. I've been extremely clear and straightforward with him every step of the way. Nothing has been left vague.

OK. So without knowing all the details, which I'll leave between you, sounds like he wants more but knows you may not feel the way he does, so he is using holding out from sex as a means to get you to feel closer to what he wants in the relationship. Not sure that's going to work out for both of you in the long run, if he is using avoidance of sex as a form of manipulating you, hoping you'll want the type of relationship he wants, when you've already established that you don't. If you've spoken with him about this, and he's not really respecting how you feel or what you want, then waiting around may not be the healthiest thing in the end. Because even if both of you choose to become intimate in the end, he may see this as more than what you want or expected for the relationship. Anyway, this is mostly what if's at this point. If you both want this, then you're going to have to settle with each other what you want, need, or expect, and how to balance both of your needs. If both of you can't work that out, it may not be the right time or situation. Or maybe just let it play out, and see.

All the best to you.

 

[slant]

I would not recommend ultimatums about sex lol. Gotta be on the same wavelength or willing to get on his until he's ready.

I'm transactional about everything.

OK. So without knowing all the details, which I'll leave between you, sounds like he wants more but knows you may not feel the way he does, so he is using holding out from sex as a means to get you to feel closer to what he wants in the relationship. Not sure that's going to work out for both of you in the long run, he is using avoidance of sex as a form of manipulating you, hoping you'll want the type of relationship he wants, when you've already established that you don't. If you've spoken with him about this, and he's not really respecting how you feel or what you want, then waiting around may not be the healthiest thing in the end. Because even if both of you choose to become intimate in the end, he may see this as more than what you want or expected for the relationship. Anyway, this is mostly what it's at this point. If you both want this, then you're going to have to settle with each other what you want, need, or expect, and how to balance both of your needs. If both of you can't work that out, it may not be the right time or situation. Or maybe just let it play out, and see.

All the best to you.

Yeah. I guess we'll talk. It sucks when people delude themselves I hope that's not what's happening but maybe it is

 

[acd]

@Gaze the read I'm getting is that he's guarded, not necessarily manipulating @slant. Sounds like incompatibility. Both want different things.

 

[Gaze]

@Gaze the read I'm getting is that he's guarded, not necessarily manipulating @slant. Sounds like incompatibility.

Yeah, I was just trying to see it from different angles since there's no way to know what his intentions are since we don't know him personally. Maybe manipulating is a strong word. Perhaps, he is just hopeful that if he keeps waiting, that they'd become more serious, which it seems he wants. In the end, they'll each have to decide what they'll be willing to wait for in the end and whether waiting is worth it.

 

[slant]

Yeah, I was just trying to see it from different angles since there's no way to know what his intentions are since we don't know him personally. Maybe manipulating is a strong word. Perhaps, he is just hopeful that if he keeps waiting, that they'd become more serious, which it seems he wants. In the end, they'll each have to decide what they'll be willing to wait for in the end and whether waiting is worth it.

What do you mean by "more serious"?