Volatile relationships and when to say good-bye

[Free]

Sometimes when we have made a strong connection with another person, it’s very difficult to let go of that, regardless of how negatively chaotic the relationship can be. We all can find this in friendships, familial relationships, as well as romantic relationships.

For myself, I have encountered this problem in all those areas. I often found that letting go was not only difficult, but nigh impossible for me. It is quite a struggle for me to come to the inevitable decision to sever contact entirely. I have an extreme amount of patience and leeway for those that I love, but often feel that this is taken advantage of. Unfortunately, once the ties that bind are cut, they rarely can be restored for me.

Just recently, I cut ties with someone who was a very close friend to me for 20 years. I was told “But everyone deserves a second chance.” My only reply was that I had given hundreds of chances, and each time they had taken it for granted.

When is enough simply enough? As INFJ’s, would you agree that we do tend to hold on longer than we should? I’d like to explore others experiences and view points on this subject, let’s discuss.

 

[PintoBean]

Sometimes when we have made a strong connection with another person, it’s very difficult to let go of that, regardless of how negatively chaotic the relationship can be. We all can find this in friendships, familial relationships, as well as romantic relationships.

For myself, I have encountered this problem in all those areas. I often found that letting go was not only difficult, but nigh impossible for me. It is quite a struggle for me to come to the inevitable decision to sever contact entirely. I have an extreme amount of patience and leeway for those that I love, but often feel that this is taken advantage of. Unfortunately, once the ties that bind are cut, they rarely can be restored for me.

Just recently, I cut ties with someone who was a very close friend to me for 20 years. I was told “But everyone deserves a second chance.” My only reply was that I had given hundreds of chances, and each time they had taken it for granted.

When is enough simply enough? As INFJ’s, would you agree that we do tend to hold on longer than we should? I’d like to explore others experiences and view points on this subject, let’s discuss.

I think I am quite similar to you in this regard. Enough is enough when I have quietly given someone many chances, mentally made excuses for them, reminded myself that everyone has bad days, that people do change etc etc, until I am out of excuses for and patience with this person. A defining factor for me in cutting someone off, is the sense that I have been violated or taken advantage of in some way. If I reach the conclusion that my time, emotions or material resources have been habitually used with little regard for my feelings and needs in a friendship/relationship, that is usually my breaking point to no contact.

 

[Zen Lizard]

I cut someone off who was being slyly manipulative and controlling with me. It got to the point where if she called me on the phone my adrenaline immediately started flowing.. She wanted things her way and wasn't really concerned with my feelings, as long as that happened. It was time to cut ties. Even though doing so was beneficial for me, I still felt bad about it, and it was very difficult to do. Most of the struggling the process of making the decision, once I'd decided, things were a bit easier.

 

[thirdhalf]

From popular opinion, I hold on longer then any sane person would. I disagree, I am perfectly sane and held on for just the right amount of time

Comes from the belief that I can change it if I try harder. One of these days...

 

[invisible]

i let go when i have nothing else to give. its easy for me to do, because its the only alternative that i can meet the energy requirements for. i dont think it even has anything to do with the other person anymore when i reach that point. it has more to do with the absence of energy in me that would be necessary for me to contribute something meaningful or worthwhile to that persons life. i dont want to be a bad influence in the life of someone i no longer have the resources to care for properly.

i think that i usually come to that point when i realise that the resources that i have given so far have consistently been deliberately misappropriated.

 

[CogentPursuit]

No one deserves a first chance let alone a second or third. It really isn't a matter of chances or what they deserve. It is a matter of if they 'will change' and how long it will take and what 'you' as a person can live with. You have to find that balance for yourself. Generally a relationship is done this way on both sides and both make sacrifices being understanding and waiting for change and compromise. If it is all on one side it is not a relationship and they are not entitled to anything because they are not willing to contribute.

 

[muir]

If things are hitting the skids it's probably a good idea to get marriage counselling

This could provide a neutral place to communicate with a neutral third party on hand to act as a referee to allow communication to flow freely and to point out if one or more of the couple are being unreasonable

This process could either clear up misunderstandings or it could show clearly that the relationship is actually over

Either way it could offer a clear resolution so that both parties can move forward without any further drama

 

[Kgal]

Yes. I too have held on far longer than most. I believe it's a typical INFJ trait although I'm not expert in that area. From looking at my life it stems largely from the fact I can see multiple points of view and have a deep understanding of the motivation of a person's behavior. The empathy factor plays a large part too....you know?

It is my understanding we form close, strong ties with others when there is a life lesson to be learned or experienced. I have discovered it is "time" to let them go when I have learned and gained what I was intended to learn from the relationship.

It may be that I was to learn how to hold more respect for my self and therefore stop accepting disrespectful encounters from the relationship.
It could be that I learned how to grow up and be independent as in an enmeshed relationship with parent(s).
It may be that I finally learned how to give myself the love and compassion that I craved from others.

While being loyal is highly praised in our society - it does not necessarily serve us in our evolutionary path.

No one else walks in your shoes....

...Enough is enough when you say so.

 

[sassafras]

The older and wiser I get and the longer I acquaint myself with the art of letting go, the key isn't to focus on removing the person, place or thing from your existence. That kind of thinking has you focusing on the loss and people are naturally adverse to loss. Loss means believing that you have somehow become less with the passing of that experience or person. No one wants to be made less than and so, they will make a lot of silly and stupid decisions to prevent feeling this way.

However, no such struggle is needed.

The key is to learn to accept and love yourself, unconditional to where you are, who loves you, who doesn't, what things are or aren't happening around you. No matter what happens to you, you are whole. With that attitude, the rest is natural. When you love and respect yourself and keep that as a constant, you don't attach to people or situations who do not serve you because they do not promote your mutual happiness together. If you're not happy or if the other person isn't happy, it should indicate to both of you that this isn't working and some other way must be found.

Your happiness should never be conditional on another person being there. That's not love. That's propping up your self-esteem and personhood based on conditions remaining as you expect them to be, not as they are, and may make you chase whimsy and should-be's forever.

Realize that you are enough as you are. Let go of your expectations of that person, not the person themselves, and I promise you, you will be free.

 

[Solongo]

sometimes infjs can be compassionate enough to give second chances ...but MOST of the time - infjs can be ruthless in the way we extinguish and end relations. if you are holding on; then you need to find the hook that is keeping you there and release it yourself. once something is finished then it's not about the other person anymore; it becomes more about what you want out of the whole ordeal. i'd say stop projecting and making it about the other person and look inside to your inner motivations and issues.

with breakups - there are many layers that needs to be seperated for it to be a clean ending. obvious physical distancing, then emotional and spiritual and whatever type of bonds that was formed must be one by one cut for total separation.

 

[Erlian]

The older and wiser I get and the longer I acquaint myself with the art of letting go, the key isn't to focus on removing the person, place or thing from your existence. That kind of thinking has you focusing on the loss and people are naturally adverse to loss. Loss means believing that you have somehow become less with the passing of that experience or person. No one wants to be made less than and so, they will make a lot of silly and stupid decisions to prevent feeling this way.

However, no such struggle is needed.

The key is to learn to accept and love yourself, unconditional to where you are, who loves you, who doesn't, what things are or aren't happening around you. No matter what happens to you, you are whole. With that attitude, the rest is natural. When you love and respect yourself and keep that as a constant, you don't attach to people or situations who do not serve you because they do not promote your mutual happiness together. If you're not happy or if the other person isn't happy, it should indicate to both of you that this isn't working and some other way must be found.

Your happiness should never be conditional on another person being there. That's not love. That's propping up your self-esteem and personhood based on conditions remaining as you expect them to be, not as they are, and may make you chase whimsy and should-be's forever.

Realize that you are enough as you are. Let go of your expectations of that person, not the person themselves, and I promise you, you will be free.

In your first paragraph you said we shouldn't try to learn ourselves to let go, because that implies loss. It was clear that you were going to answer it later on and while reading and before I could get to your answer I found a different one and planned to thank you for asking that question. So thank you.

Your answer says we should love ourselves unconditionally and I agree that's a good answer, maybe even better than mine for most people. I prefer my answer though
You (Atree) said loss implies that you (as in 'one') have become less, but you cannot be come less if you don't have anything. The only thing you have is a past. And you cannot lose that. You can have a wonderful person in your life for a few years and you can 'lose' them. But you're wrong to think that you lost them. You never had them in your future. But you still have them in your past. Be happy that that person was in your life those years and remember it. You haven't lost him or her, you just didn't get any more.

And to get all physicy about it. Time is just another dimension. Just because we can't travel back, doesn't mean it doesn't exist anymore.

 

[sassafras]

In your first paragraph you said we shouldn't try to learn ourselves to let go, because that implies loss. It was clear that you were going to answer it later on and while reading and before I could get to your answer I found a different one and planned to thank you for asking that question. So thank you.

Your answer says we should love ourselves unconditionally and I agree that's a good answer, maybe even better than mine for most people. I prefer my answer though
You (Atree) said loss implies that you (as in 'one') have become less, but you cannot be come less if you don't have anything. The only thing you have is a past. And you cannot lose that. You can have a wonderful person in your life for a few years and you can 'lose' them. But you're wrong to think that you lost them. You never had them in your future. But you still have them in your past. Be happy that that person was in your life those years and remember it. You haven't lost him or her, you just didn't get any more.

And to get all physicy about it. Time is just another dimension. Just because we can't travel back, doesn't mean it doesn't exist anymore.

I think we're pretty much on the same page. Perception is everything. You can still perceive loss of something if it is not in your future even though it has been in your past; you can see it as a lost chance to look forward to having it continue in your life. But if you realize that, past, present or future, you are enough, with or without someone or something to 'complete' you, you are better able to accept life and let go instead of forming unhealthy bonds or habits to satisfy some perception of 'I am lessened without.' It makes it easier to look back on the good times you've shared and treasure those moments from that perspective without needing to project them into the future to salve some aspect of the ego. In which case, you can be satisfied to leave the past in the past and appreciate it for what it was and thus not 'lose' after all.

 

[Misadventure]

sometimes infjs can be compassionate enough to give second chances ...but MOST of the time - infjs can be ruthless in the way we extinguish and end relations. if you are holding on; then you need to find the hook that is keeping you there and release it yourself. once something is finished then it's not about the other person anymore; it becomes more about what you want out of the whole ordeal. i'd say stop projecting and making it about the other person and look inside to your inner motivations and issues.

with breakups - there are many layers that needs to be seperated for it to be a clean ending. obvious physical distancing, then emotional and spiritual and whatever type of bonds that was formed must be one by one cut for total separation.

I disagree, but only slightly. I think the OP was referring to relationships you're deeply invested in, whether that be emotionally or spiritually, or whatever. Compassion is a hallmark for us, as well as being selfless and then throw in empathy on top of that...sheesh. For someone that I truly love, I would (and have) give multiple chances and hold on for dear life. But I do agree that once we make up our minds to say goodbye, it's quick and painful and they usual don't even see it coming.

 

[Solongo]

I disagree, but only slightly. I think the OP was referring to relationships you're deeply invested in, whether that be emotionally or spiritually, or whatever. Compassion is a hallmark for us, as well as being selfless and then throw in empathy on top of that...sheesh. For someone that I truly love, I would (and have) give multiple chances and hold on for dear life. But I do agree that once we make up our minds to say goodbye, it's quick and painful and they usual don't even see it coming.

my remark WAS regarding relationships that one IS deeply invested in - that's what makes separation and break ups difficult - the amount of investment involved on many fronts.

 

[Misadventure]

my remark WAS regarding relationships that one IS deeply invested in - that's what makes separation and break ups difficult - the amount of investment involved on many fronts.

Gotcha :w:
I think i misinterpreted your post. Thanks for clearing it up.

 

[DonTaushMe]

I always leave when I realize the relationship is unbalanced, but I'm an INFP and I always leave.
I've had two INFJ... friends? One friend and one... stalker lol. I can't deal with irrational people. I don't respect them. Both were incredibly irrational. The male INFJ felt he should be awarded everything on a silver platter. The female INFJ has no goals in life, has to many psychological issues and is all around fucked up. The INFJ male and I would be friends so long as I did all the talking. The second I heard his perspective on life I went on from scratching my head to getting outright angry. He is a pretty appalling human being. The I'd either yell or silently leave. No, I'd always yell. When I tried to leave silently he wouldn't let me. We'd fight, go our separate ways, then something bad would happen in my life or something bad would happen in his life and we'd call each other and repeat the cycle. For a long while I accounted it to me having a pretty bad memory. These days I know it has more to do with having a subjective memory. I only remember him being there for me at the drop of a hat. I don't remember him being as horrible as he is.
At one point it got to be too much between him and I and I vowed to myself that I'd never talk to him again. Wrote down a list of reasons why, disgusting things he's said and pinned it to my board next to my computer. Deleted his number and all traces of it. I however did not even think to block him from Facebook. He contacted me, I held strong, shit happened in my life again and I contacted him. He came running.
I'm gonna go ahead and say he didn't come running because he loves me. He did because he has no friends, no social life and nothing better to do. If I was a goddamn mess who didn't have any friends but desperately wanted them I'd come running to the first asshat who asked me to too.
The cycle repeated. I tried to silently leave, he didn't let me. I yelled at him, we stopped talking. This time I believe he blocked me from Facebook. Hopefully he's had enough and pulled the whole 'INFJ door slam' on me because I just don't ever want to feel like interacting with him is a good idea.
I am happy to say we haven't talked for a little over a year now. And this time around when shit hit the fan in my life I didn't go to him. I feel good about that.
The INFJ female is a sad, sad little girl. There is too much there to type.
In those two incredibly unhealthy individuals I think it is very hard for both of them to just.fucking.stop. However out of everyone else I've ever had and lost in my life those two are the hardest for me to just fucking stop with as well.

 

[Nixie]

I'm pretty loyal. It takes a lot to get me to not bother. Most of the time I'm not emotionally present anyway and typically being analytical when interacting with ppl outside my family. To personally talk about mah feelz directly with someone is a watershed moment for me in a relationship and I value that because trust is an issue. Needless to say, it takes a loooong time for me to get to that point.

I err on the other side of the equation. To get to the door for it to slam, you have to traverse an obstacle course worthy of American ninja warriors and doing so keeps you on the leader board for a long time. Lol

 

[Misadventure]

though I recently accepted the fact that I'm not an INFJ, I do hold on way too fucking long. I am in this situation right now and am trying to figure out a way to say good-bye with as little heartbreak on both sides as possible.

#screwed

 

[thirdhalf]

though I recently accepted the fact that I'm not an INFJ, I do hold on way too fucking long. I am in this situation right now and am trying to figure out a way to say good-bye with as little heartbreak on both sides as possible.

#screwed

If the split is executed with love and respect on your side, there is little you can do more. The immediate moment is shitty no matter what you do or how you do it due to the emotions running at warp speed, but long term it is remembered based on how you do it and its hard to do better then treating the whole thing with complete respect.

 

[Scientia]

I have tried to avoid becoming attached in volatile relationships since I was old enough to realize what they were but each time I found myself in one was very painful. I finally gave up on a drug addicted/alcoholic best friend but it took many years and a lot of pain and betrayal. The last one was with my mother. I know in retrospect I should have done it myself sooner but she herself broke off the relationship, so I guess I would say I never quite know when to say when and if I love someone, I put up with a lot of horrible stuff before I throw in the towel.