Very Immature INFJ Requesting Advice

[Ignatius413]

So, I'm an eighteen year old kid who's looking off to go to college later on this year and also seems to be an INFJ personality type. Right now, I'm finishing out the last few weeks of high school, and I can honestly say that I've pretty much lost my heart for females after my horrid experience with my last girlfriend.

To be perfectly frank, she came onto me when I was the leading male for our High School's musical production of "Bye Bye Birdie" (a pretty nice musical, btw).. A very attractive girl at the age of fifteen, she seemed to be a perfect companion, and we became very close over the following months. Ice cream, picnics, Wii.. It was really fun. As we got closer, she later revealed to me the details of her childhood..

As a child, she was physically and sexually abused by a number of men in her life, and informed me that I was the first person in her life she'd ever told. Naturally, I had no idea what to do, but continued to counsel her through the months and keep her company. She had an alcoholic mother who'd often neglect her and her brother, and I came over quite often to make sure they'd both be okay.

All was fine and dandy, until out of the blue.. I caught her with a MUCH older guy (twenty one to her fifteen years) on MY BIRTHDAY when I visited her house.. God.. That was traumatic, and to make it worse she practically denys the fact that we ever had any sort of relationship.

Ugh.

Being a normal human being, I was upset.. and left. Still, the fact that she was abused like that as a child struck a huge chord in me, and I went off to do quite a crusade against Child Sexual Abuse, joining up with a local organization and actually training for and finishing an entire marathon to raise money and awareness for the topic.

She still holds a large place in my heart, and I while I absolutely don't go visiting her house, I still do talk to her at school sometimes. I always told her that she and I would go traveling together someday, and during my summer holiday made a paper cutout of her ("Flat Taylor", as I called it) and traveled America taking pictures of her with the major national landmarks.

The list includes: the Kodak Theatre, Hollywood Square, the San Gregorgino Mountains (sp?), UCLA, the Statue of Liberty, Capitol Hill (and everything worth seeing there), Jersey Shore, and Disneyland.

It also went to Europe: France, UK, Spain, Italy..

Ugh.. I'm not sure if I'm just stupid or plain crazy, but I haven't even "talked" to another girl in the last two years. My lady friend set me up with a very cute red-head, but I can't help but feel very.. weird and unsure about everything.

 

[IndigoSensor]

First of all, I think you need to let this past girl go. The fact of the matter is she was your first real relationship, and it ended on a bad note that you in no way could have predicted (at least, I am assuming so). Whether or not you are willing to admit it, or are able to see the depth of it, you are hanging on to her because part of you wants to be back with her. You know better though, so you won't. However, because you still have feelings for her in some ways, you refuse to let go of a friendship with her. You have to let go of the friendship with her. The biggest reason is that by remaining in contact with her at the level that you have (albeit small, it's meaningful), will not allow your person to heal properly. You have not let go emotionally and remained attached. It is for these reason why you feel weird around other girls for such a long time. Your subconscious is undergoing an internal battle with your emotional side and your need to appease her in any way possible. You're afraid to step on her toes, but you are going to have to eventually. Until you do, you will remain in this self placed state of limbo. Work on trying to just let go of her, at the very least tell her that you need space and that these "promises" ended with the relationship. They should end for good reason too. She seems pretty far behind you on the maturity scale. The fact of the matter is she is damaged, and only she can repair herself, you can not rebuild her and fix her. You are also going off to college soon, that is going to cause a lot of social links to dissolve, and if you hang on to her, you will never form a good social network at college. I have seen this happen many times in my time at school.

It seems like you just wanted it to work out with her. Unfortonately, it did not. I also want to point out that your work on helping the child abused is a good venture. Just be mindful that you truly want to help these people, and that you aren't "doing it for her". By constantly doing things for her sake even if she is in no way directly involved, is just relinking the emotional ties to her. This is why she is still on your mind, and this is why other girls have no appeal to you in a way.

You're trying too hard to keep up the PR with this girl when it is totally not warrented, nor deserving for her. Learn to put yourself first in this case. She was the one who hurt you and upset you. At the very least, let her know that this has caused damage, and it upset you.

 

[Ria]

When a child has been sexually active with an adult, it creates unhealthy dynamics within them, due to their participating in behaviors that they are mentally and emotionally geared for a more mature person. It's very comon for a child victim to feel obligated on some level, to be sexual, as it's a role they have felt they are "supposed" to do, as it was expected of them to some degree. As your friend had this sad experience with more than one adult male in her life, the message it has likely given her, is that "this is an expected thing to do, while in the company of men, and they all are thinking about me in this way". It is not her fault, and she should get help by way of counseling. Sexual abuse is very damaging for children, and although they seem to "know" things, they can't really know them because they aren't mentally and emotionally equipt to handle the experience.

I understand why you chose to not go there anymore. It is a good thing though, that you are continuing to be her friend. She needs a male in her life such as yourself, who posesses empathy and respect for her, rather than sexually objectifying her. I am sure she will not be able to convey to you, just how much that will mean to her when she's in a healthier place. It sounds as though she is still sexualy active with an adult male. This is iligal in some places, and I am not sure about in the Staes, but here in Canada, this is surely grounds for arrest. Let her know she shouldn't be doing this, and if she becomes defensive, it could mean that she is really in trouble. It may be, that this 21 year old man, is somehow putting her in the position where she feels she has to be with him in this way. She may feel like she is is in a hopeless situation, and there is no way out, so why not enjoy the attention etc. while she is being in some way controled. Imo, you should tell her to report it, or report it yourself. In Canada, not reporting abuse, can land you in court just as easily as if you were the one who was doing the abuse.

Other than saying these things that you likely already know through your worthy crusade, I'd suggest that you find some balance with regards to this for yourself, so you can have a better understanding of why you hold her in such a place that leaves less room for other girls. It sounds like you have a wonderful heart, and are a special person in a lot of ways. It's wonderful to be one of the caring young people in the world, who want to help it be a better and safer place for others. It may be though, that you are quite emotionally invested, and you might benefit from first of all, figuring out what to do with what you know about her current situation. After that, reflect, and perhaps re-establish your boundaries within yourself, then have a good talk with her about how it is for you. I'm sure at the same time, you'll convey how much you care about how it is for her too. I hope this has helped you somehow...

 

[Ignatius413]

First of all, I think you need to let this past girl go. The fact of the matter is she was your first real relationship, and it ended on a bad note that you in no way could have predicted (at least, I am assuming so). Whether or not you are willing to admit it, or are able to see the depth of it, you are hanging on to her because part of you wants to be back with her. You know better though, so you won't. However, because you still have feelings for her in some ways, you refuse to let go of a friendship with her. You have to let go of the friendship with her. The biggest reason is that by remaining in contact with her at the level that you have (albeit small, it's meaningful), will not allow your person to heal properly. You have not let go emotionally and remained attached. It is for these reason why you feel weird around other girls for such a long time. Your subconscious is undergoing an internal battle with your emotional side and your need to appease her in any way possible. You're afraid to step on her toes, but you are going to have to eventually. Until you do, you will remain in this self placed state of limbo. Work on trying to just let go of her, at the very least tell her that you need space and that these "promises" ended with the relationship. They should end for good reason too. She seems pretty far behind you on the maturity scale. The fact of the matter is she is damaged, and only she can repair herself, you can not rebuild her and fix her. You are also going off to college soon, that is going to cause a lot of social links to dissolve, and if you hang on to her, you will never form a good social network at college. I have seen this happen many times in my time at school.

It seems like you just wanted it to work out with her. Unfortonately, it did not. I also want to point out that your work on helping the child abused is a good venture. Just be mindful that you truly want to help these people, and that you aren't "doing it for her". By constantly doing things for her sake even if she is in no way directly involved, is just relinking the emotional ties to her. This is why she is still on your mind, and this is why other girls have no appeal to you in a way.

You're trying too hard to keep up the PR with this girl when it is totally not warrented, nor deserving for her. Learn to put yourself first in this case. She was the one who hurt you and upset you. At the very least, let her know that this has caused damage, and it upset you.

Thanks for the response.

Regarding the children, I genuinely do want to help them for helping's sake.. and I don't think that it's based on my feelings for this individual. During my volunteer work w/ the organization, I actually came in contact with a lot of victims and truly want to work for their sake.

I guess I have idealized her for far more than she's worth. But letting go seems a lot easier said than done. I've tried that before multiple times in the past, with very little results.

 

[anica]

First of all, listen to IndigoSensor. That's about the best advice anyone's going to give you. Second, you're not as immature as you think. As you say, you don't go to her house and, while you're hanging on in some ways, you know there's something wrong. College can be a great opportunity for you to make a clean break emotionally, and I think you should take it.

 

[IndigoSensor]

I guess I have idealized her for far more than she's worth. But letting go seems a lot easier said than done. I've tried that before multiple times in the past, with very little results.

Believe be when I say I have been in this spot before. It is indeed much easier said then done. At times it can feel like your mind is trying to kill you. Nevertheless, it CAN be done. There is no set path to finding out how to do let go, but knowing it can be done, and truly believing that it can be done, will kick start it in itself.

Ria does add a good point, that she does need someone in her life having gone through that abuse. However, your personal well being and health are not worth it. Being a martyr with this should not be an option. If these feelings do go away over time, then I would say it is ok to be friends with her again. We can't all be friends with everyone and help everyone as much as that seems appealing. Discrimination between who you associate with can inheriently be bad, but it is a nesscerry thing in life.

 

[Ria]

Indeed as Indigo mentioned. I was trying to convey this to you as well, when I was suggesting that you reflect on your boundaries, figure out a place to put her, then approach her with this while reassuring that you still care. Although it is suggested that you remove yourself and, I believe this is a good idea, I don't think that she should be abandoned by an older male who respects her. What I was trying to suggest in my first post, was taking a break while figuring this all out in your mind. Unfortunately though, I failed to make this clear...

Pleasae encourage her to seek help. She can't resolve this herself, she honestly needs specific counseling.

 

[slant]

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company ... a church ... a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude ... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you ... we are in charge of our Attitudes.

Wise words.

 

[Ignatius413]

I've taken the quote about life being 90% how you react to things to heart, and must say that is a very beautiful piece of speech I'll keep with me for a while. I just got back from a choir concert in which I was forced to sit and watch her sing in front of the entire choir.. Her boyfriend (the twenty-two year old) was also there, and I got a very good look at the two of them mucking around after the concert was over.

*sighs*

My friend, an ESTP, poked quite a bit of fun at me for my dejection... and actually cheered me up through this.. Considering he nearly burnt the entire school down earlier that day (true story! ), I thought it was actually pretty funny. Still, I couldn't help but feel that the "smile-o-meter" I have deep inside me turned several degrees down once I saw her.

On a somewhat lighter not, I noticed that it was raining as I headed off to my car.. While I didn't have a hat or coat, I couldn't help but quip to myself that though it was raining pretty heavily in my part of Kansas, somewhere else in the world.. there's got to be quite a few people who are enjoying a sunny day.

 

[Faye]

My recommendation is to not worry about women very much for awhile. Be free! Enjoy not having a serious relationship tying you down; after all, getting into serious relationships is one of the dumbest things a young person can do. At the very least, wait until you go to and have adjusted to college before you worry about relationships.

(I know I'm a total hypocrite for saying all this.)

 

[slant]

I don't have advice for you I just think you should do what you need to do. People got to learn to deal with stress in their own way, this is stress, you will get a lot more as you age.

Just kind of....

how about this.

Take time to reflect every day.

I don't know, however much you can spare. Five minutes. Go as long as two hours if you have the time and feel like that's what you need to do.


You can use this time to just clear your head or to think about where you are going in life and what is bothering you and what you can do about it.

I find assessing your long term life really...minimizes the effect of daily stresses.

Religious people do this with prayer; prayer and self reflection to me are the same thing because since I do not believe in god I think the reason prayer is successful for religious people is BECAUSE it usually requires a lot of self reflection and honest analyzation of what is going on in your life.

This may help you get through the stress.

If you don't like this idea come up with something else.