Unrequited love

I had a mental breakdown and was miserable for a number of months. I wound up dating her a few years later and it was the greatest and worst time of my life. We're still good friends, and if anyone ever hurt her I'd probably kill them.

 

Why was it the greatest and worst time of your life, dating her?

 

Is this some kind of joke? your going to poke where it hurts. lol, kidding.

um, as an INFJ male this happens to me personally a good amount of the time. It usually depends on how the other person reacts towards me. If they don't show much interest i don't usually get that emotionally attached. then it isn't that hard to deal with. If we go out and if it seems to me like we could be more then just friends(I get emotionally attached) but the other person isn't ready for something like that. I tend to feel really empty inside(rejection?). I feel like i want to disconnect from everything.

i.e. "at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers."" - Joe Butt(http://typelogic.com/infj.html)

I usually just go on a drive or isolate myself for a few days. I don't know how rare it is(for an INFJ or not) but I have never had a drink of alcohol or don't any drug of any substance(I don't even like to take advil/asprin). So, I have no real vise for strong emotions. i deal with them all internally. I have gone literally 7days with out eating after one breakup. For me I don't usually show much emotion. My mom has looked me straight in the face and asked me why am I "so cold". I didn't take it personal.

- EB

 

Every second I spent with her I was in heaven. Her personality is so intoxicating and it doesn't hurt that she's absolutely gorgeous.

I was new to relationships and I handled a lot of things wrong. On top of that, she's a few years younger than me and her parents kept her on a tight leash (not tight enough..). We had a bad breakup and I did that great INFJ thing where each of my verbal blows were perfectly placed. I felt like a real asshole later and we went back to being good friends after a few months of "cooling down" for the both of us.

For awhile I thought our personalities were incompatible. She tested as ESTP, although about a week ago she called me and told me she retested as INTJ.. I'm still leaning towards the former. Honestly, though, I think personality type had very little to do with it. I don't think it would've been possible to maintain a lasting relationship when we were together, and frankly I'm surprised everything went as "well" as it did. Neither of us had living circumstances conducive to a healthy relationship, and I think that was mainly our downfall. She should've been seeing people her age and I should've been in college (both of these have been addressed).

I love her to this day, although not in a romantic capacity. She is pretty much the person I've connected with the most, and if I ever lost her I have no idea what I would do. I wouldn't put out the possibility that we could get together later on down the road, but right now it's one of the last things I'm worried about.

 

I don't know, I'm almost at the point of waiting and longing for the other person to make the first move because of all the disappointment of unrequited love, but my heart won't let me give up and I keep on trying. I'm a romantic fool! I just wish someone would chase me for a change I am easily caught and would put up no resistance. If someone else did the chasing I would feel special. :mcry:

 

Amen to that.

 

I've never been in love, so I am finding it quite difficult to imagine that. I'm a bit naive in thinking that I won't let myself fall so hard for someone that I can't pull myself out of it and therefore would handle unrequited love quite well.

Of course this is all probable.

 

Whilst I agree in theory, my experience is that often leads to being chased by the wrong kind of people...

Has to be a middle ground somewhere right *shrug*

 

It's a feeling! You might have noticed I also said "my heart won't let me give up and I keep on trying" the desire to be chased is one of wanting to be appreciated enough to be chased.

 

I would deal with it the way I am dealing with it right now. Haha, it's a total mess. In as much as I want to share the experience with you, I just can't because they are hard to put in words. As an INTJ, I know my Achiless' heel is this thing called love. Nonetheless, I hope I could survive with this kind of situation.*sigh*

Anyway, I am interested with the answers of the INFJs. The person I love is also an INFJ.

 

I honestly don't know how to deal with it.

Usually if it's just a crush, I enjoy the good feelings and daydreaming. When it's like that, it's just a fantasy and there's no chance of it ever happening. So I don't really get attached.

But if the person reciprocated the feelings and things didn't work out (but I didn't want it to end)...blah.
I turn into mush, which is what I'm doing right now. I agreed to stay friends, I've been behaving in a platonic way and am confused by all the wishy washiness I'm getting in return. There are days where I'm completely apathetic to the person and think I could start viewing other people as romantic interests. Then there are days where I'm like...eh. I don't really find anyone as interesting.

I'm hoping for one of two things to happen. He'll change his mind or I'll meet someone else who can make me feel just as strongly. But while waiting for that to happen, I'm keeping myself distracted with trying to make huge life decisions...like quitting my job and moving somewhere (anywhere actually).

 

My response:
Try to figure out how to make the other person comfortable with me and in general, and figure out what way to proceed would work out the best for them. Also try to salvage a friendship if possible.
Take a look at my own needs and try to adapt to the situation over time. Making the other person aware makes it easier to accept what's what and move on, albeit somewhat slowly.

 

Whoops, I just realized my scenario doesn't really count as "unrequited." My bad

 

Well, I've been through this twice...

Guy #1, I met 10 years ago at school... My first crush...the guy who never took interest in me because all the other girls were throwing themselves at him... We argued a lot, but the more we did, the more I wanted him, he was very intelligent and a bad boy, which made me even more crazy. We were casual friends, but it was torture to watch him with his girlfriends across the room... I never really forgave myself for not having the courage to tell him the truth before we parted. I just accepted the fact that he was out of my reach and to move on even though I'd think about him for years to come.

The second guy...I was beyond heartbroken when he told me he didn't love me anymore. I'm not going to go into details, but I lost it. :crazy: Worst time of my life. I essentially died for 2 years...I seriously did not leave my house except to go to work, go to family functions, or to get groceries. I didn't want anyone near me, after the initial misery I just emotionally checked out.

But, life gives second chances...

Guy #1 was just over my shoulder asking me a question about a game. I've been married to my high school crush for 4 years and we have a beautiful daughter. Life has a funny way of working out, and I suppose, that perspective is what got me through both times.

So, for those of you going through this now, have courage and don't let the moment pass you by because you probably won't get as lucky as I did and get it back.

 

Guy #1 was just over my shoulder asking me a question about a game.
over my shoulder asking me a question about a game.
asking me a question about a game.
question about a game.
a game.

 

Sounds familiar.

 

I hate you. You made me lose.

 

ditto, except for the easily caught part. I just wish I fell for the right person.

 

Sadly, I often found the reason people were chasing me was because I was running away from them.

I was amazed to find that when I stopped chasing, and stopped running, and stopped looking for it in every person I met that true love fell right out of the sky into my life.