Unbalanced friendly relationships where you are being 'helped'

[Jexocuha]

I know ISFJs get a lot of criticism, but I seriously can admire their persistence and practicality. There's a lot of them, so not all of them are great examples. But, in a stereotypically positive light, they're pretty great. They're like the fake-smiling person you meet at the grocery counter, the guys who run and work at loan offices, the family doctor or nurse, and the people you see on cheap soap opera and sitcom TV shows. The great ones "own" Hollywood; they're the Steven Spielberg's and Walt Disney's of the world. When I first got into MBTI, I used to really try to separate from anything ISFJ-oriented, because...well...that's not "me". But as time went on, I really started to pay attention to what these folks were about. They're very smart, hard working, and many are successful. They get a lot of flack for being "ordinary"; but they kind of fit in crucial positions in the world to make it livable for everyone. I take a lot of queues from ISFJs in some ways. The biggest difference is, they aren't metaphysical. They don't care much for "lofty", "theoretical", "abstract", or "spiritual" things in and of themselves. But we all live in "the world", and as an INFJ, Fe and Se are the primary anchors to common reality. So there's a lot, I've found, I could learn from ISFJs, especially when it comes to dealing with a host of day-to-day grind issues. ISFJ-ness can help, imo, an INFJ "blend in", which is necessary for achieving Ni-based "deviant" creations. I figure its best thought not to get too close to anyone, especially those I don't know well, because upon closer inspection in my blending game, most people don't like at first or aren't friendly with what they find. But its real and its true. It's that Ni-shit. Anyway...lol.

 

[keyring]

I know this. I've felt subjected to sympathy, such as charitable kindness.. now I'm not fussing about different types of kindness but you can get the feel and general nature of friendship. Yes you're right, it's quicker to go along with it because of whose taking a lead in the dynamics that puts you at a receiving/accepting spot. It's like you're not on the same page and only in the footnotes. I don't let it bother me if it makes the person feel good about themselves... but of course as the title says it is an imbalance for a relationship, platonic or otherwise. I wonder if it's common among extroverts though who are like this (not all but who are likely overconfident/openly friendly).

 

[slant]

It must come down to effectively reading or transmitting social queues. Mentoring is a normal part of human behavior and highly desirable. If we are being taught something we don't know from somebody more experience in that particular thing it is priceless in value. We can teach ourselves to do things but there is that saying, "don't reinvent the wheel."

The part people seem to be upset about it that they feel insulted that somebody thinks they know more than them about something and they don't want to learn from this person because it seems to have no benefit. It seems like you could just show disinterest and the person would stop trying to mentor you.

It's a sad mismatch because I'm sure there are people out there who really would find the information helpful. How do we tell if our annoyance that somebody is trying to mentor us in something is because we already know how to do it and the other person won't listen to us, or if maybe we are embarrassed by being taught/it is hurting our who ego so we are blocking the learning?

So often I find myself in these situations where I resist being helped by somebody and only years later did I see you myself the reason they were trying to teach me that and I feel silly that I was so dismissive of others. But it just goes to show that experience is the best teacher of all.

I get into this moral line of, how much of other people's behavior do we really leave to them? Everyone has agency over themselves but the influences we have in our life shape who we are. So while we all might be on a scale of how often we seek to help others, ultimately it is a underlying motivation for everyone that others around us are thriving. Respect for personal differences is important, but I also think we naturally try to influence people in ways that we think are positive.

I am learning how to not be annoyed when other people want to mentor me and see it as an attempt to connect. I might try to redirect this person's attention to something I actually do need help with. Or even redirect their focus on helping me to a project or goal that we both share. And if I try to help somebody and they tell me they don't want my help I try not to take it personally and adjust my behavior. Somebody trying to teach you something is generally a nice thing. Very few people are deliberately being condescending. I think we have the right to try to influence others and others have the right to reject our influence. Neither is better or worse.

 

[celly2]

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I'm thinking it's probably a particularly INFJ type thing.

You get into a relationship with people (not intimate just friends) but you come to realise that they see you as someone who 'needs help', and usually by that they also see you as inferior to them. They don't say this but you can see that's how they perceive you. They also don't understand you, but as an INFJ you go along with their perspective due to Fe parent and become complicit in the arrangement. It's very weird, this has happened to me more than once, and of course I'm talking about Sensors.

OMG. Yes!!! I don’t have an answer to solve this. I have been exerting myself to change the dynamic (and perspective) it’s made me feel very ugly on the inside because I’m acting in ways that go against my nature… but I’ll be damned if I let anyone push me around again. It may not be healthy but it is liberating, for now anyway, lol. I just have to remember who I am at the core and whom and What I’m dealing with at the moment. So be it… I am not going to be bullied or glossed over to appease the ego of Anyone or Anybody any more. Period.

 

[Mfj8LaH546rfr]

I don’t think it’s just an INFJ thing. Can you think of anything you might be doing that people might see as an indication you need “help?” And help with what? Being social? Dressing?

It has happened to me. Sometimes I really enjoyed it because I did need help. Sometimes it was done in good ways without the other looking down on me, so to speak. Other times, it was demeaning. A few people have tried to make me their project and lets just say I have shut that down fast. But those people are wack-a-doodles. Like, who do you think you are?

Now that I’m older and more confident, people assume my oddness is chosen and not something to be fixed. They either let me be as I am in the group or I’m perceived as being more than I am and I pretty much feel unseen or incognito. I don’t spend much time with those types.

Try different types of social groups. I like hanging out with growth minded people. Science types. There are people that look past whatever seems like it needs conforming. Hobby groups are a good place to start.

 

[celly2]

I don’t think it’s just an INFJ thing. Can you think of anything you might be doing that people might see as an indication you need “help?” And help with what? Being social? Dressing?

It has happened to me. Sometimes I really enjoyed it because I did need help. Sometimes it was done in good ways without the other looking down on me, so to speak. Other times, it was demeaning. A few people have tried to make me their project and lets just say I have shut that down fast. But those people are wack-a-doodles. Like, who do you think you are?

Now that I’m older and more confident, people assume my oddness is chosen and not something to be fixed. They either let me be as I am in the group or I’m perceived as being more than I am and I pretty much feel unseen or incognito. I don’t spend much time with those types.

Try different types of social groups. I like hanging out with growth minded people. Science types. There are people that look past whatever seems like it needs conforming. Hobby groups are a good place to start.

I’m just in an incompatible living arrangement, clear as day, and I think because we are so different there’s a power struggle over will. I, like many other infj’ s (I’m hoping) unless I’m just whacked myself ?? don’t confuse compromise with sacrifice, or weakness for that matter. Group wise- I just am who I am, and for the part I’m looked at as an oddity, but at least to my face there is respect, lol. This I know, but that’s ok.

 

[Jexocuha]

But those people are wack-a-doodles.

 

[Fluffyhamster]

U do need help. U need help saying NO to these ignorant low iq and contemptuous sensors