Too Nice? | INFJ Forum

Too Nice?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by INFJ_katy, Sep 12, 2016.

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  1. INFJ_katy

    INFJ_katy Newbie

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    Has anyone ever wanted to break up with a significant other, but you're just too nice to do it? You put their happiness before yours, and you just carry this burden around with you because you'd rather feel uneasy than disrupt their lives? I've honestly been going through this kind of situation for over a year now. I know in my mind exactly what I need to do, which is break up with this person and move on with life. But I hate conflict and hurting people, plus once I go to my inner world and live there for awhile I feel better and forget my unhappiness for awhile. Anyone else ever find themselves in this type of situation? If so, how do you finally make yourself get out of the bad relationship and move on with life? I just want to be happy with someone else!
     
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  2. Ryso89

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    I've been there. The struggle. It's seriously hard. I spent a year with a very toxic person and finally, after she gave me plenty of excuses (she was anything but loyal, or a keeper), I finally shut her down and cut her off completely. It was cold and fucking harsh but she brought it on herself and deserved it.

    It sounds like your significant other is nice enough / loyal enough that it is probably much harder for you to do what you need to do. I don't know. My situation was easy because she was a whore. You have to find the strength inside to do what's best for you.
     
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  3. Elis

    Elis Permanent Fixture

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    Perfect/ timing matter so much less than being proactive and doing something. It's not going to get any better waiting around, for you nor your partner.
     
    #3 Elis, Sep 12, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2016
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  4. invisible

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    Dishonest, deceptive

    So you couldn't love them the way you hoped. That's OK, human love isn't perfect. Now it's time to let go and move on.
     
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  5. the

    the Si master race.
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    Reminds me and of those Nice Guys on Reddit. Seems more cowardly than nice.
     
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  6. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Maybe look at it this way- you are keeping them from finding someone who will adore them. So really, you aren't being very nice.
     
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  7. the

    the Si master race.
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    The worst part is when you know the other person is being shitty but you love them anyways. Then they dump you, usually in the worst way possible, and you realize how much better your life could have been a year ago with someone who thinks you're totally rad. #mylife
     
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  8. invisible

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    Yes, this is not nice behaviour. It's not the honesty that hurts, it's the lies.
     
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  9. hush

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    The thing is, you're disrupting their life right now, and the worst part is, they just don't know it. The longer you string them along like this, the worse it'll be when you finally get the courage to end it - yes, courage, because I think sometimes our silence stems from fear of the backlash from the other person. Right now, you are in an empty relationship, and you have admitted you are not happy. Your partner deserves better than that. You deserve better than that. How do you make yourself do it? You just do it. You gather yourself, and take the plunge. And then you move on.
     
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  10. aeon

    aeon Ooh, a bunny!
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    Perhaps it is time to stop worrying about them one way or the other.

    What about you? Life is short, and you never can know how short.

    You aren’t happy now, and you have a finite amout of time left.

    Don’t spend any more of it not happy. Go find happy. Go make happy.

    Actually be nice, to yourself, and them, and set them, and yourself, free.

    The sooner you do that, the sooner you have the chance to live the life you want.


    Well-Wishes,
    Ian
     
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  11. OP
    INFJ_katy

    INFJ_katy Newbie

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    You're all awesome. Brutally honest, perhaps, but awesome all the same. Thank you everyone for the responses, I appreciate them all, especially the harsh ones because I need to hear it. Although the situation is much more complicated, as most situations usually are, I can see things from a different perspective thanks to your responses. It is not fair to my significant other. I have tried having conversations with him in the past about breaking up, but he does not want to hear it. He'd rather keep up the routine than completely rearrange our lives. We have been together for over 3 years, and just the past year it has gotten bad. He has a young son that I love. He lives with me. He has no family, his parents passed away when he was a baby. I just have this feeling of guilt and like I am giving up on him. But as one of you said, I need to be happy too. Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart for the help! Just knowing you're here to listen makes me happy.
     
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  12. OP
    INFJ_katy

    INFJ_katy Newbie

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    Thank you so much! Your positive energy is infectious and I appreciate you being so sweet. I do need to think of myself. It's not selfish, it's just healthy!
     
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  13. hush

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    aeon is a "good vibes" sort of fellow, I can only aspire to his kindness.

    I agree here, it isn't selfish. :)

    Best regards to you, may you both find your happiness.
     
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  14. James

    James Infamy, infamy.. they've all got it infamy
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    If you have thought through all the issues, talked to your partner and tried to resolve them - and that didn't work ? Then you should not feel guilty or obligated, you can't maintain a healthy relationship in that way, and it would only hurt both of you. Sometimes relationships don't work out, people are not always compatible no matter how hard they try.

    Prepare yourself, find the right moment and be honest with your partner. It will probably be rough, but that has to better than carrying on if you feel the relationship has not worked out. Take care.
     
  15. aeon

    aeon Ooh, a bunny!
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    I thank the both of you.

    I wasn’t always like this...I had to try every other way first, and fail. Fueled by all sorts of valley of shadow stuff.

    But at a certain point, I had a choice...I could love myself for who I was, where I was, or...well, better not to talk about that.

    And so I did...at 47 years of age...and this funny thing happened...

    I didn’t worry about myself anymore, but it became heartbreaking to see someone in a place that reminded me in some way of my past.

    But I thought maybe I could share something of myself to let them know that they were no less for their situation, no less for anything.

    And then something else happened...I trusted my heart and followed it to where it wanted to go...and in so doing, I found the love of my life.

    Better late than never! When I finally had no options left but to be myself, and love myself for being that self, that self, and the world, were remade.

    Only Love Matters. Amor Vincit Omnia.


    Blesséd Be,
    Ian
     
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  16. Araceli

    Araceli Newbie

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    Hey there! If you are absolutely sure that nothing will come out of this relationship, then you need to end things asap. You worry about hurting your significant other, but I promise you that the hurt will be far greater the longer you wait. The most loving and kind thing you can do is not string this person along, so that they can find someone who will adore them.
     
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  17. Piotrek Dzierzynski

    Piotrek Dzierzynski Regular Poster

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    Let's call a spade a spade. By "too nice" you are putting a pretty face on cowardice and cruelty. Deceiving someone is not nice at all. Rip off that bandage already, goddammit. Stop being selfish and tell your SO the truth - finally.
     
  18. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    What's bad about your relationship?
     
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