The games men play

Artemisia

Artemisia

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
Why is it that men supposedly want to chase you but once they get you they want you to chase them? If you do, you are needy and it is a turn off but if you don't their egos get hurt.

I recently had a case where two of my exes who came on strong in the beginning removed me from Skype and Facebook. I was into both guys while we were together for a few months and after realizing that they were not as interested and/or seeing others, I called it quits with them and basically moved on. Both have reached out again in the following months and I replied. In the meantime I had both on FB and Skype but did not comment or talk to them. One day I see that guy 1 had removed me from FB but not Skype. Today guy 2 removed me from Skype but not FB. It is obvious that they think women are desperate so if they leave one line of communication open she may beg to get them back. Yeah right!!!

Seriously why do men play these games?
 
Both men and women play games. My experience has only been with men, but I've noticed, and I'm not speaking for all men or most, just the few I've had any experience with. They seem to like the idea that when they have your interest after a little chase, that they no longer have to make the effort and so now it's your responsibility to keep their interest or risk them moving on to someone else. Not sure why. One of the reasons, I'm not dating. If I could envision a future without wanting companionship, and not having any desire for a partner, I would be tempted to choose this over the nonsense I've seen people do just to have someone.
 
Gist said:
Both men and women play games. My experience has only been with men, but I've noticed, and I'm not speaking for all men or most, just the few I've had any experience with. They seem to like the idea that when they have your interest after a little chase, that they no longer have to make the effort and so now it's your responsibility to keep their interest or risk them moving on to someone else. Not sure why. One of the reasons, I'm not dating. If I could envision a future without wanting companionship, and not having any desire for a partner, I would be tempted to choose this over the nonsense I've seen people do just to have someone.
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Yes, exactly. I've had the same feeling. And ditto to not wanting to date anymore. In my experience it takes years to get to know someone well and see if you mesh together. Starting from the beginning with someone new time and time again is bound to make even the most ardent romantic lose interest at some point.

But you know what though.....I wonder if this is a result of just incompatibility. I mean, I have guy friends whom I have known for years and they are not like this with me; unfortunately I am not physically attracted to themm
 
Oh and let me also say that neither of the two guys was the monogamous type. Maybe that's the problem.
 
To be clear from the start, some people who are men do this, but not all men do this.

To my sense of things, men seek validation from their partners, but if that comes in the
form of any kind of pursuit, it is often rejected because it is experienced as a gender role
violation...men do the chasing, not women.

I’m not sure what they are doing on social media, but my guess is there are many and
varied inputs to their resultant behaviors, which might be a sign of ambivalence at best,
and some kind of disrespect otherwise.

It might be helpful to view it through the lens of Transactional Analysis.

Especially since it concerns itself with just that, games (among other things).


Cheers,
Ian
 
aeon said:
To my sense of things, men seek validation from their partners, but if that comes in the
form of any kind of pursuit, it is often rejected because it is experienced as a gender role
violation...men do the chasing, not women.
Click to expand...

This just doesn't make logical sense though. What a man might consider chasing a woman might consider just wanting to have a conversation. If I initiate conversation some of the time and a guy assumes that this is pursuit then the guy has a serious problem with himself. It just sounds like the guy is anxious and avoidant at the same time.
 
Gist said:
They seem to like the idea that when they have your interest after a little chase, that they no longer have to make the effort and so now it's your responsibility to keep their interest or risk them moving on to someone else.
Click to expand...

The effort never ends, does it? I mean, in a sense, the courting is essential, always.
There’s no room for complacency, and the responsibility is always shared.

That is how I see it.


Cheers,
Ian
 
Artemisia said:
This just doesn't make logical sense though. What a man might consider chasing a woman might consider just wanting to have a conversation. If I initiate conversation some of the time and a guy assumes that this is pursuit then the guy has a serious problem with himself. It just sounds like the guy is anxious and avoidant at the same time.
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I agree. I was guessing. None of that really makes any sense to me as I am not that way.

Which is not to say I am better. I’m sure I’ve confused many with how I go about things.


Cheers,
Ian
 
aeon said:
The effort never ends, does it? I mean, in a sense, the courting is essential, always.
There’s no room for complacency, and the responsibility
Click to expand...

If relationships are only about courting than the couple never reaches mature love. I have a different theory. I think men and women who are after the chase and want continuous courting are avoidant personalities. These are the people who won't settle in a long-term relationship or marriage because subconsciously they know they can't deliver. I know this because I used to be like this in my 20s but have changed a lot since then.
 
I can't get a date.
 
Every gender plays games, but not everyone plays games (well I guess it depends on your definition of "games"). Some of my bestest friends are guys, so I've had the pleasure of seeing some of the crap women pull. For instance the "I can't do this anymore- oh wait I still love you- oh but I can't do this anymore- oh but I still want you" which makes me so sick you have no idea- if you really did love them, and you knew you couldn't really be with them, you'd only break their heart once.

I've witnessed some guys being jerks in relationships too. My sister's boyfriend was a lie-aholic, and would cheat on her and the usual nonsense that follows.

Honestly, I personally feel a lot of the time that women play more games than men. And I'm just going to continue to avoid the people who do.
 
Artemisia said:
If relationships are only about courting than the couple never reaches mature love. I have a different theory. I think men and women who are after the chase and want continuous courting are avoidant personalities. These are the people who won't settle in a long-term relationship or marriage because subconsciously they know they can't deliver. I know this because I used to be like this in my 20s but have changed a lot since then.
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Oh, for sure I didn’t mean relationships only about courting. How dreadful.

I was referring to long-term relationships, including marriages. The part of the mutual attraction that is the dance that never ends, or ideally, does not.
Part of the work of the relationship is the being present, being engaged. The winning of the hearts and minds, every day, through loving expression, and not taking anything for granted.


Cheers,
Ian
 
Typically if men continue to pursue women after the courting stage it comes off as needy and will drive most women away. As far as men being put off by women pursuing back, I'm not sure why they'd have a problem with that, it sounds like those particular men have some kind of immature narcissistic personality traits.
 
Some people just arent compatible.
 
The Ringmaster said:
Typically if men continue to pursue women after the courting stage it comes off as needy and will drive most women away. As far as men being put off by women pursuing back, I'm not sure why they'd have a problem with that, it sounds like those particular men have some kind of immature narcissistic personality traits.
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Well exactly. Either there are lots of narcissistic and/or avoidant men out there or these guys are just not the monogamous type.
 
the said:
Some people just arent compatible.
Click to expand...

This is the simplest answer. If you or a partner feel the need to play games to keep each other interested, perhaps you may not really be all that suited without that kind of framework.

I think a lot of people like to play games for the sake of it and get a thrill out of it. However, very few enjoy being the ones getting played.
 
I think everyone plays games. Generally, (and subconsciously) I think men want to gauge your level of interest.

If they’re interested and they want you, they’ll come on strong in the beginning, say sweet things and act over the top interested (because in that time and space, they are, because hormones), but really, they want to measure your level of interest back.

If you respond with the same level of interest or more, he knows he has you. If you respond back with a lower level of interest, he knows he needs to work harder to get you.

The harder he has to work to be with you, and the more of a challenge you are, will raise your quality level in his eyes. It means you're valuable, and as such, provide value to his life.

After the whole, push/pull, chase me/catch me ritual, you either decide you want to commit or not.

At this point, guys either freak out, fear losing their freedom, and back out. Or, fear losing you and decide to commit.

*PS. I know my views of courtship are primitive, but I’m alright with that.
 
I agree with the posters who said people of both genders play games but not all people play games. I also think in any long term relationship people have a tendency to relax into the relationship. Kind of like the way a favorite pair of jeans feels after they're really worn in and fitting just right. Long term relationships take work and attention. Its difficult to keep romance going year after year. No matter how much you love, like and admire your significant other, you have to put in the time and energy to keep it going. Heres a breakdown.

168 hours in a week
40+ hours working
50+ hours sleeping
30+ hours raising children
10 hours with friends
10 hours personal time
20 hours just eating, standing in line, running errands, commuting, etc.

This leaves a whopping 8 hours a week left to spend quality time with a significant other.
 
bolognamacaroni said:
I think everyone plays games. Generally, (and subconsciously) I think men want to gauge your level of interest.

If they’re interested and they want you, they’ll come on strong in the beginning, say sweet things and act over the top interested (because in that time and space, they are, because hormones), but really, they want to measure your level of interest back.

If you respond with the same level of interest or more, he knows he has you. If you respond back with a lower level of interest, he knows he needs to work harder to get you.

The harder he has to work to be with you, and the more of a challenge you are, will raise your quality level in his eyes. It means you're valuable, and as such, provide value to his life.

After the whole, push/pull, chase me/catch me ritual, you either decide you want to commit or not.

At this point, guys either freak out, fear losing their freedom, and back out. Or, fear losing you and decide to commit.

*PS. I know my views of courtship are primitive, but I’m alright with that.
Click to expand...

Mmmmhmmmm, a woman can't run forever. The chase gets boring for both people involved. What we have is clearly one or both partners who are not willing to put in the necessary work to form a meaningful relationship. At least one of the partners is unavailable or can't deliver.
 
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