Talking about feelings | INFJ Forum

Talking about feelings

Discussion in 'The INFJ Typology' started by Altruistic Muse, May 15, 2010.

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  1. Altruistic Muse

    Altruistic Muse Community Member

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    I have come to the conclusion lately, that my aptitude for discussing my feelings, or anything remotely relationship based, is severely lacking! I had a chat with a close friend a few weeks back, in which I had to tell him that I wasn't interested in him romantically. Which was fine, I think he half suspected that was the case anyway. I told him this by text, and thought I'd got away with the daunting discussion I had been trying to avoid, but I sensed he was unhappy with it so the chat began. And i said very little. And I couldn't look him in the eye. And I played with my zip, and I shook. It's the same every time. Another friend said to be today, that when he asked me how my last relationship ended, my face fell so quickly I looked like someone had died. I didn't even realise this. It's crazy being generally so open and friendly, yet on certain matters so totally reserved. Anyone similar?
     
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  2. Gaze

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    Hmm. I think I'm generally reserved with people about my personal feelings or opinions about things if i don't know them well, but if I like someone, and I know it's mutual, and we're pretty comfortable having a conversation, then I don't mind talking about personal feelings.
     
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  3. j e s s i e

    j e s s i e Buried Myself Alive
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    Talking about my feelings openly and honestly is something I can say I do well.

    The best conversations are the meaningful conversations in which two people can open up to each other, and be able to feel comfortable enough to discuss how they feel about themselves, their life -- anything at all. I live on that type of emotionally-charged connection and one of my drives in life is to search out people who I can establish those with. No secrets, no awkwardness, no hesitation to share how one truly feels with another.

    So if anything, I'm the one who usually has to step back a little bit, lest I scare people off, haha. I can be a little too open at times. :tongue1:
     
  4. OP
    Altruistic Muse

    Altruistic Muse Community Member

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    Wow, you're lucky! I wish I could do this! I can talk to close friends about most things. Anything abstract, intellectual, my views on politics, religion (if I know them well enough!), so many things. I love opening up to people. But love, I cannot discuss. The only person I've ever said it to, I let in way too far, to the point where I told him all my secrets, everything about me. And it got worse and worse. My immature self thought that this was love, and I was compelled to share with him all the minutedetails. Obviously this backfired. Also in doing this, I made myself ill. I shook as I spoke about these things, and I often used to physically be sick.

    So I've established that 1) If I let people too close to my core (fundamental feelings) I freeze up. 2) If I'm in a position where I can hurt someone, particularly someone I feel close to I freeze up.
     
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  5. sumone

    sumone down the rabbit hole

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    I'm a freezer too :(
     
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  6. OP
    Altruistic Muse

    Altruistic Muse Community Member

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    Yay! Well, not for you of course, it's hell I know! But thank God someone else gets this!
     
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  7. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    i can talk about feelings in general but i'm less comfortable with talking about MY feelings! it's a little too close for comfort. only exception is my boyfriend, who is very open minded and forgiving, and with whom i can talk about practically anything [​IMG]
     
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  8. OP
    Altruistic Muse

    Altruistic Muse Community Member

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    Yes i get this. I can talk about feelings in general, religion in general etc. But my own are too deeply embedded to discuss. I've had one person I could talk to and that's it, but then still not comfortably! You're very lucky with your boyfriend, sounds like a soul connection :)
     
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  9. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    aw thankyou, i really am. he is special :)
     
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  10. Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
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    I'm pretty much the same. When I have a problem with a friend or in a relationship I have a hard time talking about it since most of the times taking doesn't solve the problem and only hurt the other person. So I shut down and retreat. I can talk about the problem with other people very openly but not with the person I have the problem with.

    Same with topics like sex, my own anxieties, topics I don't feel very much secure in or think that my opinions or problems in these areas may upset the other person or make me less loved or accepted. Talking about these things with a close friend has helped me to reveal them more and more but I think whenever I am in a new relationship it will be hard again to show my weak sites since I don't want te be regected over them. And even if the person reacts in a very positive way, I don't believe them :D
     
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  11. Siamese cat

    Siamese cat Madame Cat strikes again

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    I can be very good even when it comes to talking about very personal feelings, but I reserve that only for those who I consider close and important to me. And even then I don't share everything.

    The problem with discussing someone's feelings is not only on that part that has to share theirs but sometimes in the part that has to hear about them, especially if those feelings have anything to do with that other person. And this is generally the reason why I very carefully choose what of my thoughts and feelings I'm going to share, how and with whom. People sometimes are just not ready to hear some things. And there is another thing, when you share your feelings with someone, whether or not your feelings have anything to do with the person who you are shearing them with, that person gets involved in your feelings in a specific way. And I think that this is something that most INFJs have recognized intuitively, because they are so often those who people choose to confide in, and who end up taking other person's feelings with them around long after that conversation ended.
     
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  12. Trifoilum

    Trifoilum find wisdom, build hope.

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    I like your statement XD it's very true :) And I'm one of those people who froze when attempting to speak my feelings... :(

    The other thing is what I think we as INFJs intuitively select people based from the content of the talk itself. There's a very selective process that happened either automatically or manually, quickly or slowly and it involves many criteria (is it appropriate? will they be offended? will I got chided? What am I looking? What are they able to do? huh? huh?) Think Ni + Fe going together, manifesting in Ti. It's like "....uh, wait, I don't think I should talk to him/her about this..."

    It's not exactly good manners because in my personal case, sometimes it comes out tactless and offending... to me, it feels more like being an opportunist. :(
     
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  13. VH

    VH Variable Hybrid

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    My sentiments exactly. Can't word it better, so I'll just let the quote speak for me.
     
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  14. rbecca23

    rbecca23 Regular Poster

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    I used to be that way. And I'm still fighting the tendency to shut down and withdraw from the world, and who I'm talking to.

    In my experience, it takes practice and courage. At first, you're going to slobber all over yourself and the shakes might even get worse. But as you identify with your feelings *verbally* the internal processing becomes much easier.

    Feelings are personal and very much a private thing, and we all feel entitled to our privacy - especially in terms of the heart. But when it's necessary to discuss important, private matters with other people, it is crucial that we verbalize them in the best manner possible. I used to say to my former boyfriend, "I wish you could just read my mind, then I wouldn't have to tell you." But there's something fulfilling about being able to speak with your lips, teeth and tongue. We aren't always as eloquent as we want to be, but that's the great thing about being human: the living, learning, and blundering in every step of the way.

    Personal anxieties will tell you *not* to speak up, that your feelings are void and stupid: NOT TRUE. Don't be afraid to share, but be sure to share when *you're* ready, and you trust the one you're with. If you find that you can't share, or aren't motivated to, think about the relationship you both share. Is the one person giving more than the other? Have you condemned yourself to the role of 'counselor' and 'confidant' as opposed to 'friend' and 'ally'? Sometimes, we put ourselves in roles that help are friends, but hinder us. We think that since we let them open up to us, we can't possibly open up to them, or we show that we are *human.*

    But we are human, and we struggle. We need help and a chance to express ourselves verbally as much as anyone else in this world.
     
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  15. On my own path

    On my own path Community Member

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    Likewise, I like and love to talk about feelings; just typically not mine. But when i see someone trusting me and I form a close enough bond I would be a bit more open
     
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  16. That Girl

    That Girl Do you have my answers?
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    I take issue with talking about feelings. I can't seem to comprehend them most of the time. I think I have a well developed F function but my T has colored it. I need things to have factual basis and this includes my feelings. When people talk about emotions I need them to have a reason behind it or I don't understand at all. I don't feel comfortable sharing my feelings with others because I don't feel comfortable with them in general. I don't like being sad for no reason, I can't comprehend it so I don't like to talk about sadness in that manner even if I'm really comfortable with someone. Although I did have a pretty good conversation with Dragon last night which was interesting. We got a little into the feelings department. Perhaps it's easier for me to discuss such things when hidden behind a screen.
     
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  17. 88chaz88

    88chaz88 Back for a limited time only
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    There's only one person I can talk to about my feelings.

    I don't think it's necessarily an F vs T thing, more of an I vs E thing. Extraverted people seem to find it easier to open up.
     
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  18. deadred

    deadred Community Member

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    It'll get better with time...

    It really will. I'll be 57 on the 29th of this month, and I don't think I understood my emotions at all until about age 49, Face it, anyone can process positive emotions, what do we do with the negative ones? You have to learn your own personalities, and let me use this example to explain what I mean. It's like pealing an onion, one single layer at a time. The deeper you go, the more complicated and subjective it becomes. Just keep overachieving, and keep striving to be a better human being and things will work out. Oh, by the way, one thing I wouldn't trade about being older is the patience I've worked so hard for. Relaxation is so cool. Nice to meet all you folks. Rick
     
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