Taking responsibility for oneself

When I was 7 years old, but it hadn't really settled until around age 16 when I got my first job. I feel extremely self-reliant; almost to the point of isolation. My family are important to me so that I don't feel completely alone. I feel as though I have many friends, but nobody close to me for several years now.

 

At age 22, when I became very ill/depressed and nobody seemed to care as much as I thought they should. It came as a shock to me to realize that nobody was paying attention to me and that I had to be the only one to pay attention to myself.

 

When I started having panic attacks (and other issues) a couple of years ago. I was the only one who could undo my cyclical, self-destructive thoughts. I try not to depend on others for much of anything emotional; as I've figured out they won't always be there/ and they may betray you when you least expect it. I rely on others for an increased awareness/perspective of the world; as it's very easy to get caught up in your own world/mind.

 

I realized I was responsible for myself around ten years old, when my father kicked me out of his house. The thought of dependency was subsequently abhorrent to me, but I couldn't do anything about it at the time due to depression. Since walking out of that a year and a half ago, my self-responsibility (humorously like a delayed-blast fireball spell, if anyone is familiar with D&D) has triggered massive waves of motivation to be very, very good at everything I could be good at. I am almost completely self-sufficient and quite happy for it; I have a much greater appreciation for small things and personal growth now.

Because of self-reliance, I stopped expecting anything from others and focused on my own projects and journeys. This is not to say I was selfish - I've logged ~200 volunteer hours at various homeless shelters and kitchens since that year and a half - merely that preoccupation with self-improvement often kept me away from others, until recently. I now have two awesome introverted friends who I rely on for soft evenings, laughs, easy companionship, and a feeling of close-knit community.

*Shrug* I am still quite young and my story is slowly unraveling.

 

I think I've always known I'm responsible for myself and life is what I make of it. I've always been very independent because my parents don't know english and never really taught me anything. They also took care of my sister better than myself so I had to deal. I think it's definitely hard to assume responsibility and grow up so quickly, it's tiring for sure. But at the same time it makes me a tough person so I am not resentful. I don't really have expectations of others, but having people surrounding me makes it a little easier to live life because I know I cannot possibly do everything by myself. So I rely on friends and family to be there and talk to me, share with me, love with me to lift some of the weight off my shoulders. Though being alone is possible, our society makes that choice harder to achieve happiness.

 

I think in some ways I was rather innocent; I expected certain things to happen, and certain things not to happen. I think (please correct me if I'm off base) what you may mean is when was the first time you lost faith in your parents to be responsible for you. Because that's usually the moment in a child's life when they realize they need to be responsible because their parents can't or won't be. It's a rather heart-breaking moment, if you ask me.

I did have a rather strange occurrence when I was young, though, when for a few months I thought everyone in the world was a robot except for me(!); I was around 6 or 7 years old. But I wouldn't call that me feeling responsible for my life. That time came later, probably around the time I caught my father in a lie that would have had irrevocable consequences for my life and my mother's. I was 11 at that time. It was then that I began deciding what I wanted for me, rather than what my parents wanted for me.

Today I'm an extremely independent person and it's difficult for me to rely on others. I'll reach out to others when they're in distress, but when I'm in distress I find it extremely hard to ask for help. I have to put my pride aside to do so.

 

What self-responsibility means to me:

I began to see the difference between how other people want to interact with me and how I want to interact in the world. This means giving myself the patience to resolve difficult relational issues. This means staying independent and becoming emotionally separate from parents and from new friends. It means staying clear of one-way friendships where interaction is filled with misunderstanding that I am not ready to resolve.

It means giving myself the space to find peace and happiness in the manner which I prefer. Previously, I relied on others for this.

 

I can't remember a time I did not realize this, or desire this. I wish every human got this memo, then again I make myself responsible for others, then resent them for not being more independent. :/

 

Do you have a need to be needed?

 

Okay, sorry for the hostile rep, i get where this line of questioning comes from now. Yes.

 

No worries. I only asked because I assumed we are the same.

 

When I was 18.

Very typical, yes.

 

Define "responsible for your life". Emotionally? Financially?