Survivor of a Narcissistic Parent | INFJ Forum

Survivor of a Narcissistic Parent

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want4rain

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Apr 15, 2009
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any of you out there?? -sigh-

how do you feel that influenced your personality? im INFJ, Tertiary Variant though i dont feel its natural. i think i had to depend on and develop my Ti to cope with my mother.

there is a part of me that wants to discuss this stuff but im not sure where to start so perhaps just connecting is a good enough place for that?

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Yes. I can relate. Both of my parents are that way, and they still struggle with the concept that I am a person in my own right to this day. Anyway, I'm here if you need to talk about it.
 
im working through it i think. im a normally very independent person who works through her own issues. therapy is helping.

im wondering, do you think its influenced your personality type? i wonder if i would have been more NT if i had encouragement to explore my own interest instead of feeding hers all the time.
 
That's actually how i found this site. Typing INFJ and Narcissistic parent. No lie. Yeah my mom has NPD and I too wondered if there was some kind of connection. My little brother is very very NTish though, but he's also the golden child with her. Which is hilarious because he. can't. stand. her. But I don't really like talking about this stuff that much....::shrug::
 
My father has NPD and I hate him so much for it but at the same time I love him but in a sad way. With everything I do, I always strive to make him happy and proud but it never happens.

Like we had this familly reunion in Switzerland about a week ago and my dad told me in private that I need to stop eating because there were cakes and tasty foods.
So I used to cry myself to sleep and started eating very little and everyone else started asking why I don't eat anything but apples and carrots and he quickly goes: she doesnt want too, let her eat what she WANTS to eat.
 
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My dad (ESTJ) is believe is narsisstic to a degree, although I do not believe it is fullblown. You can find other posts I have made on the matter, but me and him are very different people and generally don't get along. He tries to get me to be like him.

I'm a primary varient INFJ, and I think my dad's behaivor actually reinforced that.
 
Pristinegirl said:
My father has NPD and I hate him so much for it but at the same time I love him but in a sad way. With everything I do, I always strive to make him happy and proud but it never happens.

Like we had this familly reunion in Switzerland about a week ago and my dad told me in private that I need to stop eating because there were cakes and tasty foods.
So I used to cry myself to sleep and started eating very little and everyone else started asking why I don't eat anything but apples and carrots and he quickly goes: she doesnt want too, let her eat what she WANTS to eat.
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Ok, this bothers me, alot. Why on EARTH would you let him do such a thing like that to you! That is so mean and controling. If my father tried to get me to do something like that I would pretty much say "Up yours! I'm doing what I want". You should not let him treat you like that at all. Not only is that controling, that is highly deceptive.

If he is never pleased with you, then why always try to be? If it is an ideal that he holds that can not be reached, it is a waste of your time, emotion, and energy to do so. You should be acting how you want to create your own happiness, not to creat others.
 
IndigoSensor said:
Ok, this bothers me, alot. Why on EARTH would you let him do such a thing like that to you! That is so mean and controling. If my father tried to get me to do something like that I would pretty much say "Up yours! I'm doing what I want". You should not let him treat you like that at all. Not only is that controling, that is highly deceptive.

If he is never pleased with you, then why always try to be? If it is an ideal that he holds that can not be reached, it is a waste of your time, emotion, and energy to do so. You should be acting how you want to create your own happiness, not to creat others.
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Thank you for the support Indigo. I must say that you are right and I fully agree. But see at the point when he told me this it was like a stab in my heart and I couldn't break down in front of everyone. It is so disgusting and decieving, as this face must be held in front of everyone. I have this image in my mind where I tell him off, and cut off our contact etc, but it never seems to happen because I become inferior and small when in his presence. If I would tell him 'Up yours' he would be so enraged and god knows what would happen.

The deficit in Love from him, is why I strive for him to see the real 'me' as I have this other character around him; A good innocent little girl, who does everything great. I would love if he could just understand and EMBRACE my true flaws that he doesnt even know of.
 
I think my INFJ personality type was pretty much rolled out for me, living with a narcissistic parent. It's a tough, tough situation.
The way I worked it out was by joining a support group online. I had one aha moment after another and knowing that others knew what I had gone through was amazing.
I went down the 'heal the inner child' route and looked back over my life as an objective observer. I judged myself, my life and all the players in my life. In doing so I was able to clear out a lot of crap I was holding on to.
I forgave others (a process), I forgave myself.
I cut soul ties.
I didn't have a 'self' to speak of because of living in a subservient state for so long so I began creating my self. I wiped the slate clean and said, "OK, who I want to be .. I am going to start creating now."

I think anyone who survives an unhealthy narcissistic parent is to be commended. It aint easy.
 
sumone said:
I didn't have a 'self' to speak of because of living in a subservient state for so long so I began creating my self. I wiped the slate clean and said, "OK, who I want to be .. I am going to start creating now."
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Ah yes. That's exactly how it was for me too. Having a lack of self - being so commanded by the other person/ people that i lost track of where their personality ended and mine began. Well that's what they wanted me to believe after all - that I was them - a mini-me version of them - not as good as they were at my age of course, but otherwise a carbon copy.

It takes a lot of conscious effort to sort through long held parental beliefs and put aside ones which aren't mine at all, and work out where I actually stand about things. At the same time it's a delightful process, becoming a distinct and whole person and rediscovering all the things that make me who I am. :)

Has it influenced my personality having two narcissistic parents? Of course. It made me very unhealthy emotionally and too dependant on others, as my parents fostered this dependance, because it suited their need to control me, especially when I was a child. When I split off from them, I found it very difficult to stand on my own two feet and face everyday activities on my own, but that is getting easier. I still fear things that 'normal' people wouldn't, but at the same time I have a well of courage to face these difficulties that is born from my determination to be myself - to be all I can be. So that is a positive thing. As for type, I'm sure I would have been ENFP if it weren't for my parents, as it is the type I feel is most like my 'true self', and I feel robbed of it sometimes, but being INF(J or P, depending) is not something I see as a curse (not all the time anyway) - I have developed this way and it has added depth and meaning to my existence - I can appreciate things I wouldn't have done if my life had been plain sailing. I can depend on myself, even if i get things wrong. I have a deep inner well of strength that comes from years of emotional bondage - and a love for freedom, and a deep desire to assist those who are alone or unhappy. I wouldn't give that up for anything.
 
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sumone said:
I didn't have a 'self' to speak of because of living in a subservient state for so long so I began creating my self. I wiped the slate clean and said, "OK, who I want to be .. I am going to start creating now."

I think anyone who survives an unhealthy narcissistic parent is to be commended. It aint easy.
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That sentence rocked me to my core because its so true. I struggle with feeling inauthentic sometimes because I know I've sort made myself out of spare bits of consciousness and fancy. You kind of have to find your own way because your parent never sees you as you. Its like you're a concept and a resource but not a real person. Hmm this is all hitting a bit too close to home for me.*flits away*
 
My father is an alcoholic, but he also fits all the hallmarks of NPD and my therapist (who also knows him) told me he definitely has some sort of personality disorder. And I survived him.

I can't really identify with a lot of stuff in this thread, but shortly after my parents divorced and my father lost most of the grip on my life I went through something huge and life altering of my own that required my to reinvent myself and think about what was really important so... uh, I guess I was "lucky"? As far as you can call that lucky.
 
Helpful Elf said:
Has it influenced my personality having two narcissistic parents? Of course. It made me very unhealthy emotionally and too dependant on others, as my parents fostered this dependance, because it suited their need to control me, especially when I was a child.
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This is interesting because when I spend time with my grandmother and mother they TAKE OVER my domestic tasks because they think they are 'helping.' Even when I tell them that I need space or want to learn how to do something they don't regard my request, and sometimes I have to step back because they are doing everything. Ultimately, their 'helping' seems more like controlling. They are also ESFx, and I think the type may have a factor in this.
 
I am a survivor of a narcissistic mother. Which parent of yours was narcissistic?
 
My mother was/is partially N. Not fully blown, as Indigo said, but a great deal of her (like her mother, too) likes to see herself all over the place. Especially in me, who she's put all her faith in me becoming the 'ultimate child' who will support her in future times through my career and studies.

Fortunately, I seemed to have been born with steel capped boots, because, while I have suffered thanks to this and because of the anger and indifference on her part when I refused to be like her, I've never had problems with creating my own personality. Stubborn and reckless as it's been at times, I'm happy with who I am. Guess I've been lucky though.

On N parents, isn't it strangely funny when you go up to them one day, keeling over in pain, asking for medical help just to have them go "Oh, don't complain, I also had that this morning. Go sit in the toilet for a minute and it'll be fine"?
Honestly, it's uncanny. In this fashion, my mother seems to have every single ailment I happen to come across... xD
 
My mom definitely displays narcissistic traits, but she isn't diagnosed with a personality disorder [then again, wouldn't her belief that she doesn't need outside consultations with crackpot "psychologists" be an indication..]
- lack of empathy..which I can not comprehend and grinds on my nerves
- need for prestige, attention, ego boosts..which means she piles all her dreams on me and more..in a twisted way, she is looking out for me to succeed immensely ..so she can bask in the light as the parent who raised such a "gem"
- places great importance on status..either you are the best or you are nothing...miserable existence for me
- always believes she is right all the time

I'm not a survivor..yet. I believe that once I gain true independence ..aka be off at college this fall.. I can call myself a survivor...maybe. A survivor of a mother whom I feel obligated to respect. I don't want to feel that way, but I just can't find it in myself to love her. F- this.
 
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