[INFJ] - Some reflections on my relationship with my ESFP SO (and questions/advice?) | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] Some reflections on my relationship with my ESFP SO (and questions/advice?)


Apr 13, 2016
Hi all... Just joined to post this. Essentially I have been looking for some general relationship advice and I thought some advice from fellow INFJs would be a good place to start... Sorry if this is long.

If you want the TLDR version, basically I have broken up with my ESFP partner of 4 years, but we are both rethinking the breakup and I am wondering whether we should get back together for a longer-term commitment. Having spent so much time together, I don't want to bother unless I am sure we can really hack it in the long run, but I have a few hesitations (some of them MBTI has helped explain). Any general thoughts on an INFJ/ESFP pairing very welcome and you can skip the rest. If you want to read the longer version, please continue on...

I am 32 year old INFJ male in relationship with a 32 year old (6 months older than me) ESFP female. Been together four years.

I read that this is not at all a natural pairing. This makes sense to me in a way, but we've had a fantastic relationship all in all... Or perhaps we've had a very challenging, hard-working, but rewarding relationship that I feel has led to a great deal of personal, psychological and spiritual growth for the both of us. So even if at times it's not been enjoyable all the time per say, as an INFJ I count this as a fantastic relationship given how it has contributed to our growth and maturing as individuals (am sure you INFJs can resonate with that) :)

First, we are not full-on INFJ/ESFP. Our %s are as follows...

I am:
I (60%)
N (90%)
F (75%)
J (55%)

She is:
E (60%)
S (60%)
F (70%)
P (55%)

Some reflections on our relationship together.

Our psychological connection:

Of course as an INFJ this is the most important to me, and this is perhaps the most challenging for an INFJ/ESFP pairing. Basically, I crave deep spiritual connection, intellectual conversations about the meaning of it all, the fate of humanity, an individual's role and purpose in the world, living a compassionate life, what we have to give to humanity and the planet, etc. etc. ... She just isn't the person to talk to these kinds of things about. She'll entertain me a bit. She seems amused or maybe a bit mystified by it, but she is not one who will resonate with my thoughts and give anything back...

What I love about her though is how light-hearted and fun she is. There is nothing but constant laughter between us. We are always having fun. After so many years, it is just nonstop giddiness and joy. I guess she has helped me develop my inferior Se function in this way, and it is damn fun to share that with her! When we are not arguing or having bad moments, the relationship is just a constant joy. I certainly would not call our relationship "deep" though.

Our support for each other:

This is the best part of our relationship. We both constantly remind the other of their positive points and are extremely supportive and encouraging. Whatever weakness either has, the other one is always there to push them on and say "you can do it!" no matter what it is. In any trouble we have in life, we always share it with the other and get the best advice. I would call her my very best "life advisor" and I would say I am the same for her.


The best. We totally fit. Same amount of libido (how much we want it, when we want it, etc.). We just like the same kind of stuff in the same kind of way. It's a way of acting out our our deeper appreciation for one another. We are a perfect fit in this way. So perfect that I think when we somehow are lacking in connecting in more meaningful ways, perhaps the fact that we match so well sexually sometimes prevents us from addressing, or facing up to, some of the areas where perhaps we aren't a perfect fit.

Our problems:

In beginning of the relationship, we would constantly argue about minor things. I am too demanding, she is too hard on me. I am too perfectionist, she is completely insensitive to when I am down and is clueless as to how to emotionally or psychologically comfort me. Over the years, we fight less and less, and I would say this was something that was a challenge but isn't any longer... We just know how to avoid getting into fights these days...

Our romantic attraction:

This is perhaps where we are most lacking. I have never felt that FEELING I have felt for other girls (mainly NFs) where I just ooze with a deep and romantic fascination and attraction to them... I sometimes feel like my girlfriend is my best friend platonically, that I also happen to have sex with, but she doesn't feel like my lover. I love her in that I hopelessly want to help her and support her, but I don't love her in a romantic way and never did from the beginning. She just doesn't have the kind of sensitivity in her to respond to that side of me, so I have never felt that for her. I wonder if this is a necessity for a long-term positive romantic relationship, but it is something I have had before that I do find myself somehow missing in my relationship with her....

Our current status:

I am fiercely independent and value my freedom above all else. She says I am greedy and in a way selfish, and I do not at all deny this... Basically, I have saved some money and would like to travel for a while. I'd love for her to come, we have travelled a lot together and always have a great time, but I also relish the idea of going alone. I want to go meditate, hike, pour myself into new places and communities and see where it takes me... Given my need for freedom and my awareness that I am somewhat selfish, I find it unfair to her to continue the relationship. I don't even believe in monogamy (I've done a pretty damn good job of it though given her demands for it), let alone know if I am willing to have marriage or children. I find this unfair to her. Though she does not want this now, she at some stage knows she wants kids and likely to settle down with a long-term partner. Aware of her biological clock, I think it's not right to keep the relationship going on the chance that I decide I do want to have children with her and marry her. So I suggested we break up, and she felt it was the best thing to do also... This with the knowledge that I soon will be moving/traveling from anywhere from 6-18 months, perhaps not returning here to where she lives...

After several months of keeping in touch casually, trying not to write each other too much about problems we face, knowing that we will be great support and offer great encouragement for each other (and thus keep that "close" feeling), we recently met up and decided why not have a date, romantic dinner and sex. Was wonderful. We both were surprised at how much we enjoyed it, and realized we'd missed each other even more than we thought. Now we wonder, is there a happy medium between what we want... Staying together, or having the option to get back together, while each pursuing our separate paths (and leaving door open for other partners) for a while... Four years is not forever, but it is long enough, and having invested so much and built up such a strong, healthy, supportive relationship, I wonder is it worth abandoning? If I were at the age where I wanted to settle down, she would be the perfect girl for me in many ways, so isn't it crazy of me not to appreciate that and just hang on to it now? I can't help but feel (as with all things in life) in the back of my mind that there may be "better options" out there though, and I want to leave the door open to explore them...

This is my rant... Any thoughts or advice from my fellow INFJs (or others) tremendously appreciated...