Small talk and not knowing what to say
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i go with the thought that you dont HAVE to say anything. they want to talk to YOU; it's [mostly] their burden for making the conversation interesting. if it gets awkward at the above, it's you making it awkward. awkward is a perception-- though, they can exacerbate and influence any thoughts of awkwardness, causing you to think its awkward.
then, on the other hand, you want interesting conversation with people and to seemingly 'help' them [in whatever subjective way you define it], so you must make a small effort to ask them about something in their life-- i usually ask them, then comment on it, then they comment on my comment, and i can almost always turn it away from small talk into something much more interesting in my perspective.
I'm only interested in my plans, and my plans are not of this planet. I prefer to keep them myself. If I do share my plans with someone, it is probably with a fellow man, and he probably doesn't understand half of what I'm saying anyway because I jump from the beginning of my plans to the end of my plans frantically when I speak. I never share my plans with women.
So if I can't talk about my plans, I have nothing to talk about because I have no interest in you, your day, or your plans, unless they interfere with my plans.
So if I can't talk about my plans, I have nothing to talk about because I have no interest in you, your day, or your plans, unless they interfere with my plans.
Oh, small talk is fine for me. I can do it if I have to. But I have a tendency to gear the conversation onto a deeper level within the first few minutes. I don't like wasting time with trivial things that don't matter. But I guess some people like talking about it, so I just humour them.
I always like to ask people what's new and exciting, or if they're having the time of their life. That usually takes the conversation in an interesting direction. Or I'll just make observations about things around us and go on different tangents. I just say whatever I feel like!
I always like to ask people what's new and exciting, or if they're having the time of their life. That usually takes the conversation in an interesting direction. Or I'll just make observations about things around us and go on different tangents. I just say whatever I feel like!
It used to drain me too... but that was because I would focus on the actual topic more than the reason for the small talk--to establish a connection with someone. I see it now more as an acknowledgement of another's presence.. and a signal of interest to relate. Now I'm usually much obliged in my small talk with others because I'm thinking more about the symbolic aspect of it. I appreciate it when strangers initiate small talk because I appreciate being acknowledged.
People I'm acquainted with, I don't really engage in small talk because we are beyond that level of communication.
There are levels of self-disclosure that people go through with one another. I don't expect to delve right into the deep stuff with people I don't really know right away.. to do so would signify that either I or the other party has a lack of boundaries.. But first there's the small talk, then the biographical information, then interests and opinions are revealed, then hopes and dreams.. then personal feelings. Small talk is the bridge to all these things.
People I'm acquainted with, I don't really engage in small talk because we are beyond that level of communication.
There are levels of self-disclosure that people go through with one another. I don't expect to delve right into the deep stuff with people I don't really know right away.. to do so would signify that either I or the other party has a lack of boundaries.. But first there's the small talk, then the biographical information, then interests and opinions are revealed, then hopes and dreams.. then personal feelings. Small talk is the bridge to all these things.
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nice insight! that's it; to gauge the other person and see what they're about. to see how positive they are about things, how open or closed, friendly, etc. small talk is used to get to know the other person; and set yourself up for them helping you later, and you helping them. it's useful to have friends.
Me too. Also, if someone asks me how I am I assume the same, because if someone is asking they must actually want to know right? I know if I ask the same question I want to know. And then I spew and give them way too much information and scare them off sometimes. Or at least get the raised eyebrow and "alrighty then" sort of expression/response.
I kind of have a theory on this... Westerners ask, "How are you?" without really intending to find out--because to know the deep personal details of a stranger or acquaintance's life is awkward in a society as highly individualistic as ours, where other people are seen as competitors for resources and jobs etc. I think it comes from a deeper yearning to want to live in more intimate communities with others, without knowing how to achieve that in the individualistic culture we've gotten caught up in.
Yeah, but then I have no idea how to answer that, or any idea if they want me to lie just so they can feel better having done their social duty. Do they really wanna know, or do they just want to hear i'm "good," or "fine?" I HATE that question. It forces me to lie, then I hate myself & feel more distant from them. Basically I just want to know WHY? What is the motive for the question? I can give you what you want, if I know your reason for inquiring.
when asked/ "How are you?" I have been known to respond. . "do you really want to know?" . that usually gets a smile and little else. . or Ihave simply told them how I felt. . one or two words. .
I really hate it. . but it seems to be what is expected of us. .
I really hate it. . but it seems to be what is expected of us. .
Here is someone making small talk, and getting responded with a very deep and uncomfortable answer probably not intended by the other. This is how I'm going to respond to everyone asking me silly questions 
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0yuqpk00Ts"]YouTube - Play It Again, Sam - Dating 2‏[/ame]
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0yuqpk00Ts"]YouTube - Play It Again, Sam - Dating 2‏[/ame]
It's just wrong for me to be giving small talk advice. However, I consider myself an expert on, "How are you?" When I don't want to talk then I respond with "I'm fine. Thanks. You?" and sound bored. Sounding bored is rude but it is effective. When I'm open to conversation, I reply "I'm well, thank you" and smile genuinely. If they really wish to know then they'll follow up with more probing questions. If I'm feeling talkative, they'll soon regret it.
"How are you?"
It's an ambivalent question... like I stated above.
It signifies an interest to interact, without knowing how to express just that.
It's reflective of the type of society we live in: "I'd like to give that hitcher a ride home, they may really need help... or they may really be a rapist."
A desire to know one another and to help one another, and yet a fear of one another. We are an ambivalent people.
Humans are social animals... we're wired to live together and work together and depend on one another to a degree--but that sort of thing is not common outside of families and close friendship groups in our society. I think deep down most of us fancy ourselves truly caring and giving and open people, but our individualistic culture is a hindrance to that. "How are you?" is a way to express that ancient part of us. It's not a dishonest question, but a confused one. We're living in absurd times!
Take it for what it is: An acknowledgment. It's not meant to open the flood gates to all of your personal tragedies and triumphs when standing in line at the store. It's not dishonest to respond, "Alright, and you?" It's customary. There's no reason to hate yourself for not answering the question in 500 words or more.
It's an ambivalent question... like I stated above.
It signifies an interest to interact, without knowing how to express just that.
It's reflective of the type of society we live in: "I'd like to give that hitcher a ride home, they may really need help... or they may really be a rapist."
A desire to know one another and to help one another, and yet a fear of one another. We are an ambivalent people.
Humans are social animals... we're wired to live together and work together and depend on one another to a degree--but that sort of thing is not common outside of families and close friendship groups in our society. I think deep down most of us fancy ourselves truly caring and giving and open people, but our individualistic culture is a hindrance to that. "How are you?" is a way to express that ancient part of us. It's not a dishonest question, but a confused one. We're living in absurd times!
Take it for what it is: An acknowledgment. It's not meant to open the flood gates to all of your personal tragedies and triumphs when standing in line at the store. It's not dishonest to respond, "Alright, and you?" It's customary. There's no reason to hate yourself for not answering the question in 500 words or more.