Small talk and not knowing what to say

[AUM]

Small talk, one of those things dreaded by most of us, but unfortunately one which separates us from getting to know people. The degree by which we engage differs person to person, but I don't know about you, but it absolutely drains me and end up with nothing to say to that person, and instead it makes me look more of a jerk because I'm very abrupt with it.

Person: Hey, how are you?

Me: Good and you?

Person: Great...

Me: How nice......whoa look at that time, gotta go!

Of course, different variations of this occur but they all end up pretty quickly.

So my question to you is, how do you cope with this, and what techniques do you use in getting to know people better through the use of small talk? How do you break your barrier of having nothing to say?

These are the times when I wish I was an extravert dammit!

 

[Radiantshadow]

Compliments followed by light inquiries on behalf of compliment usually work well. For example, Ashe bought a dress that you find fetching - compliment the dress and ask where she got it, how she likes it, etc.

Hopes this helps

 

[Vicarious]

I like to mention something about keeping zombie hookers in my basement. Usually a great conversation stopper but it's actually kind of fun when someone gets the joke and plays along. teehee.

 

[Kmal]

them - hey how ya doin
me - good, and you?
them - great..
me - *in my head: aw shit theyre interesting as fuck-- well, i dont wanna be rude* awesome, *insert something i know about them-- ie. getting a new job; have a new gf; their mother was sick; something in their life relevant*
them - *blah blah blah*

then just give your honest opinion of what they say. once you get a repertoire of things to ask, and a rapport with the other person (which can usually be gained with something as simple as the above convo), it will divulge from small talk and the person will lower their guards, so to speak, leading to much more interesting conversation.

 

[AUM]

Compliments followed by light inquiries on behalf of compliment usually work well. For example, Ashe bought a dress that you find fetching - compliment the dress and ask where she got it, how she likes it, etc.

Hopes this helps

Aye, I'm terrible at giving compliments, but I guess I can give it a try.

Hey you there, [MENTION=4108]Radiant Shadow[/MENTION], what a nice pair of wings you got there, did you get them somewhere?

I like to mention something about keeping zombie hookers in my basement. Usually a great conversation stopper but it's actually kind of fun when someone gets the joke and plays along. teehee.

Zombie hookers, eh? I like that one. I'll probably get charged for schizophrenic necrophilia, but I'm going to try it.

Hey [MENTION=3765]Vicarious[/MENTION] guess what? I want to invite you to my strip club featuring zombies. How would you like to come?

them - hey how ya doin
me - good, and you?
them - great..
me - *in my head: aw shit theyre interesting as fuck-- well, i dont wanna be rude* awesome, *insert something i know about them-- ie. getting a new job; have a new gf; their mother was sick; something in their life relevant*
them - *blah blah blah*

then just give your honest opinion of what they say. once you get a repertoire of things to ask, and a rapport with the other person (which can usually be gained with something as simple as the above convo), it will divulge from small talk and the person will lower their guards, so to speak, leading to much more interesting conversation.

I think this is the reason I prefer forums such as this one. I can usually avoid that typical type of conversations and go directly to the dessert. Unfortunately I cannot plug my brain to the internet and get my social life out of it.

Seriously though, having to listen to that blah blah blah stuff really takes a toll out of me.

Anyways, thanks for the advice guys.

 

[grt$5vb]

Okay here's how awful my small talk skills are if nerves are involved:

hot guy @ church: Leans out of doorway & says, "HIIIIII!!!"
ME: *looks behind to see if he's talking to someone else, waves nervously & high tails it outta there like Napoleon Dynomite!*

True story.

 

[Vicarious]

Hey @Vicarious guess what? I want to invite you to my strip club featuring zombies. How would you like to come?

Sounds fun...I just hope you have them chained up...zombie bites are sooo last season.

 

[AUM]

I suck at small talk, especially in group situations. If there's just one person, I can fumble around awkwardly and hopefully at least like I'm trying. In a group situation, I can never find a way to jump into the conversation, and even if I try, I get talked over, and then I hope no one noticed me getting talked over because it looks awkward. >_< 9/10 times people are talking about something I can't even pretend to be interested in because I don't know anything about it, so my Fe is freaking out the whole time, afraid everyone thinks I'm rude or cold because I'm so quiet. While on the inside I do care very much and it kills me to know I'm coming across as a jerk.

The only advice I have to offer, at least when it comes to one-on-one situations, is to try to think of some common point of interest between the two of you, even if it's just a homework assignment or something.

I know that feeling of being talked over, it's horrible. That's another reason that I find conversations cumbersome, most of the times I think what I say don't interest most people, so I just stay quiet or end up the conversation prematurely.

Okay here's how awful my small talk skills are if nerves are involved:

hot guy @ church: Leans out of doorway & says, "HIIIIII!!!"
ME: *looks behind to see if he's talking to someone else, waves nervously & high tails it outta there like Napoleon Dynomite!*

True story.

Actually, that guy was me.

Sounds fun...I just hope you have them chained up...zombie bites are sooo last season.

Sure. They're chained pretty good if I may say so.

 

[not sure]

I hate small talk too. There are secret rules which I never learned.

Some years back I was approached by an elderly English woman who says, "Good morning. What do you think the weather will be like today?" or something like that. I replied, "I don't know, really. I didn't check the weather report." Apparently, this is the wrong thing to say. She looked like I slapped her and the conversation stalled for about five minutes. Then she asked where I was from and started yabbering about my country being in the Pacific, close to Fiji. *hangs head*

 

[grt$5vb]

One more reason I love INTJs. Shall we revel in our social ineptness?

 

[Bird]

I generally skip small talk.


If I ask someone how they are I usually expect a detailed
answer like, "I'm quite awake. I went for a five mile run
this morning and watched the sunrise. It was really pretty
to see over the tree line this morning. Other than that,
my day really hasn't gone too far. As for me I am stressed,
my coworkers have been conspiring against me again. I
heard them talking in the back hall, they never leave me
enough lettuce either. It's frustrating. I want a new job."

I usually don't ask people how they are unless I have a
desire to truly know. I become disappointed with replies
like "I'm ok, u?". Sometimes I will say something snarky.
I just am not very good at small talk, I feel like everyone
can tell my smile is fake.

 

[~jet]

I don't participate in smalltalk, period; I find it to be a dishonest exchange, and that offends my INFJness

 

[burnt by the sun]

Uhg, hate small talk. Always so shallow.
Them: *anything regarding the weather*
Me: Well, you know, global warming... things are going to get way more fucked up in the next few years.
Conversation over. And all I wanted was someone to rant about waste and energy policy and scientific and social innovations with Whatever. Very used to it.

I usually don't try to initiate it, especially with complete strangers. Whenever I'm so lucky to meet someone who's friendly enough to strike up a conversation with me and ask about my interests, I answer genuinely and ask what they think about the subject, then the conversation usually becomes interesting for the both of us.

Complements are a great way to let people know that you're paying attention to, and approve of them. So even if they don't have anything to say about their cool shirt, they know that if they did feel like saying anything in the near future, you'd listen. This is how I've gotten to know other introverts if there isn't an extrovert around to keep the conversation flowing.

 

[technics]

I realized I am good in it when I'm optimistic about humanity, i.e. when I show up at a party and think that mankind is just awesome, then the smalltalk just flows like a river. But when I'm pessimistic or even "neutral" then I can't talk with people.

 

[not sure]

+1 Small talk is a lot easier when you are happy, in my case almost giddy.

 

[AUM]

I realized I am good in it when I'm optimistic about humanity, i.e. when I show up at a party and think that mankind is just awesome, then the smalltalk just flows like a river. But when I'm pessimistic or even "neutral" then I can't talk with people.

+1 Small talk is a lot easier when you are happy, in my case almost giddy.

hmm that might explain many things

 

[Kgal]

I hate small talk too. There are secret rules which I never learned.

Some years back I was approached by an elderly English woman who says, "Good morning. What do you think the weather will be like today?" or something like that. I replied, "I don't know, really. I didn't check the weather report." Apparently, this is the wrong thing to say. She looked like I slapped her and the conversation stalled for about five minutes. Then she asked where I was from and started yabbering about Jamaica being in the Pacific, close to Fiji. *hangs head*

Awww Kiu... I'm sorry you feel awkward about that.
Geeze...are all the elderly English women like that where you come from?

Next time you get in that situation - you turn it around and ask the question back to them. Then ask why she was concerned about the weather. It flows from there.
Piece of cake.
Always always turn it back around.

People love to tell their Stories.

 

[AUM]

This thread couldn't be complete without this video, George Carlin always knows what to say lol

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyWsFfd9pqE"]YouTube - ‪George Carlin - People are Boring‬&rlm;[/ame]

 

[Detective Conan]

This thread couldn't be complete without this video, George Carlin always knows what to say lol

Praise be to Pesci

I'm personally not a fan of small talk, myself. I try to avoid it when I can, but usually just talking about something different helps get over that awkward hump. Who knows; it might end up developing into a full conversation that way.

 

[AhSver]

I don't like small talk either. Unless I like to hear the voice of the person and I enjoy the personality, then the small talks is not so small anymore. Small talk is a tool for people to feel friendlier, comfortable around others. It is a step from a stranger into a friend (even though it is just a step). Having a small talk with somebody serves as a little icebreaker, it helps you to learn more about the person's character, intelligence. Even if you talk about weather with someone you could tell if that someone has kind eyes, ability to have an eye contact. It is just a good way to observe someone.
And of course it is boring. And of course many of us would rather prefer silence. It's hard to always find intelligent people and even with intelligent people it is hard to always talk about something serious and valuable. Sometimes it is nice to talk about nothing to just clear the mind and switch the thought pattern.
I was never very outgoing as I was growing up but occasional small talk helped me to feel more comfortable to get out of my shell in the social environment. Plus, you can engage to the extent you want to and always find an excuse to stop it if it gets too annoying.
There are some people I know that irradiate so much charisma that even a short small talk with them is capable of increasing my mood.
Small talk could be a powerful tool in interpersonal communications if utilized correctly. Think of Sherlock Holmes