[INFJ] - Should I cut this people off? Are they using us? | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] Should I cut this people off? Are they using us?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by sapphiresky, Mar 1, 2022.

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  1. sapphiresky

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    Some people might judge and think that I am psychoanalyzing the crap out of these people, but some people might understand. Writing helps me find closure.

    Ok, so my husband has these "friends" that he met at his previous church. I met them in 2016 at our wedding. My husband thought it was a good idea for me to get acquainted with his friend's wife because I don't know many people.

    The only thing that my husband and his male friend have is in common is football, particularly the football team from their home state.

    One day they invited us to their home for the first time. Ok so our wedding was a beach wedding, and as with most weddings not everything went according to plan, but at least I can say the ceremony didn't have any issues. The reception, unfortunately, didn't go smoothly because it was affected by mother nature. But at least it was a short reception and all the guests had good food and cake.



    So the wife of my husband's friend without knowing me, told me that I should have done things differently with my wedding. She looked clearly upset at how my wedding turned out and didn't say anything good about it.

    I felt uncomfortable and stayed quiet but I thought she was rude and didn't like her right off the bat but decided to give her a chance. They went to a beach wedding before and said that they had issues with high tide. If they already had such an experience at a beach wedding before why did they decide to go to another one?

    So, this couple started to invite us to their two kids' birthday parties. We pretty much went to all of them every year until the following years after the pandemic. We always brought gifts for the kids. It was interesting to me that most of the people at these parties were adults and very few kids. We didn't have children at the time either. So it makes me wonder if they were using us to get gifts for their kids.

    I never connected with this woman through these birthday parties, it seems that she was either too busy or just avoiding me. We also went to their home a few times to watch football games, and I haven't found any common ground with her. We just have small talk.

    So after I had my first daughter.......the only thing they did was congratulate us through Facebook. This was during pandemic times, but if they cared they would have sent us a cheap card from the dollar store at least. We didn't get anything from them which was pretty strange after we went to all those birthday parties an hour away from our home.

    Even my next-door neighbors who just moved in at the time gave us a card to congratulate us.

    Months ago during football season, my husband and his friend decided to reconnect again. He invited them to our home to watch the game.

    Husband buys pizza, and of course, they show up an hour and a half late, with no apologies or reasonable excuse. The pizza gets cold.

    We have a dog, which is no mystery because I have posted pictures of her on my FB, then we find out that their boy is allergic to dogs and has a bad reaction, and the mother is upset. We have to leave the dog outside, and she is barking the entire time because she wants to be with people.

    Then I find out his daughter is gluten-free, so she can't eat pizza, and she is eating a bag of popcorn that she bought, so I feel bad.

    It seems that my husband is not close to his friend, as they only meet up when their team is doing well during football, and after they lose they don't talk until the next year which I think is not a true friendship.

    Should I suggest to my husband to just meet up at a restaurant to watch the football game with his friend next year? They live an hour away, so I think is a good idea for them to meet in the middle and forget the gathering with the whole family.

    I just feel they are too high maintenance. I can't connect with them.
     
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  2. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome
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    @sapphiresky – Is there anyone you like to hang out with? What stands out about them? How do you define authentic friendships and relationships?
    Do you like any of your husband's friends or relatives?
     
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  3. OP
    sapphiresky

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    That's the issue, that I don't seem to click with any of his friends. I think they are shallow people. As long as I give stuff to them our relationship is on good terms. I meet all of his friends at our wedding. It seems that they had very high expectations for our wedding, and since according to all of them it went terrible, that ruined my reputation and they have been assholes to me ever since.
     
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  4. OP
    sapphiresky

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    It sure seems to be a relationship of convenience on their part, that they expect all these gifts for their two kiddos, but when their "friends" have their first baby they look the other way. These people are fake in my book.

    I know a lot of people like to keep people like these in their lives, but I don't. To me, relationships have to be 50/50 BOTH need to benefit from each other. If not is a waste of my time. Even worse when you have nothing in common to talk about.
     
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  5. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access.

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    I think it would be hard to understand your point of view from the outside. You evidently have a lot of expectations that are not necessarily going to be obvious to anyone else. It’s not that you’re right or wrong, it’s just that they’re never going to know if they’re crossing some boundary because instead of expressing it you’re just quietly judging them.
     
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  6. OP
    sapphiresky

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    That's the thing, that after all of these years we haven't been able to establish that type of relationship of trust where I can speak out and express what I like or don't like.

    But I expect them to have at least a little bit of common sense.

    My neighbor who gave me a congratulations card with a gift card after my baby was born had another baby last week. I bought them a card with a gift card of the same value because I know I am not going to feel right if I don't return the favor.

    I don't understand what type of friendship are they expecting from me, but I am giving my husband space to hang out with the guy and watch sports together and just leave me out of it. I am not telling him to dump all of his friends because of me.

    People have the erroneous belief that because you are married you have to like or hang out with each other's friends. Like if every personality is going to click and get along. My husband likes a certain type of friend, and I don't seem to click with them. It's it the end of the world?
     
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  7. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome
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    @sapphiresky

    What happened at this infamous wedding? Was there a hurricane?
    Why were there so many people you'd never met at your wedding? Is your husband really spontaneous? (Wedding guests are typically family and people the couple knows well.)
    Can your husband have the guys over for football without it being a family event? Just the guys?


    If you don't tell people you'd rather not hear their criticisms about your wedding, they won't know it upsets you. They probably think they are giving you wise advice by telling you how they would have done it. You can politely tell them that you enjoyed your wedding the way it was and wouldn't change anything about your special day even if (for example) the weather wasn't perfect.

    Everyone is different. Expectations lead to disappointment. Try not to be so judgmental. Nobody is ever going to live up to your expectations or behave the way you would. It's fun to accept people for who they are and embrace behaviors you wouldn't choose, including annoying behaviors, like being late or forgetting to get gifts. (PS: Be nice and generous to people because you are a generous person, not because you want it reciprocated.)

    I keep wondering what you're so deeply unhappy about in your life or in your head that is causing you to judge others so harshly. Are you insecure? Are you depressed? Are you struggling through something? Why are you targeting other people? Your posts focus on how terrible everyone else is and how you want to cut off ties with many different people. So, I'm wondering what is really going on.
     
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  8. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access.

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    Not at all. At the risk of projecting my own fault, I think that fixating too much on a 50/50 split is causing you undue frustration.

    Let me guess, you respond better to acts than to words or gestures of affection.
     
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  9. OP
    sapphiresky

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    Yes, if I recall I read the 5 love languages book by Gary Chapman years ago and I think my primary love langue is Acts of Service. I prefer when people take the time to help me out or do something to show they care. I do not react much when people give me compliments or gifts which is surprising, but I appreciate the act of doing good deeds.
     
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  10. OP
    sapphiresky

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    and Yes I expect the people in my life to reciprocate the same way I do which is sad.
     
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  11. OP
    sapphiresky

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    First of all my wedding was pretty low budget. If someone invites you to a beach wedding is because in most cases......they do love the beach but they don't want to spend a lot of money on a wedding. We refused to go into debt because of our wedding. Our priority was to save money for a house.

    Our ceremony was run by experienced beach wedding planners but the reception was totally our responsibility. They were not involved in that. The other segment of the wedding was pretty DIY. There was food served by a popular BBQ restaurant in town. I think everything looked very cute for a low-budget wedding. There was no booze because my husband's family is very Christian, but I wouldn't have had an issue with that. The guests who love to drink had to go to a bar right after the wedding and that was totally their responsibility. There was also no dancing, which probably upset some people too.

    The majority of the guests were from out of town. I had a wedding in this beautiful coastal town in Florida. I wanted guests to enjoy the area and do a little tourism.

    There was no hurricane, but right after the ceremony ended and everyone got their pictures taken it rained. The reception took place in a beach pavilion which was nicely decorated. I was trying to go for a rustic beach wedding kind of thing. Once it started to rain the sky got really dark and there wasn't enough lighting in the Pavillion so everyone was like eating in the dark.

    There was some miscommunication between the people who own the Pavillion because we thought the place was going to be well illuminated BUT it wasn't. It got very dark. My mom and my sister lighted candles to help the situation.

    Then after everything happened I realized that the reason why the Pavillion and the whole area were dark was because of turtle hatching season. The Town City Hall automatically turned all the lights off so the artificial light doesn't become a distraction so all the baby turtles can navigate from their nest toward the ocean. BUT OF COURSE, they didn't do a good job in telling me this. It was in their "regulations" but the lady who I talked to never cared to tell me about it especially when I told her the Pavillion was going to use after sundown. The area is famous for having beautiful sights of the sun coming down but that didn't happen because of rain. We still manage to get very beautiful pictures from the wedding.

    AND yes, that was another issue. My husband never introduced me to his friends BEFORE the wedding. Only to one of them, but never the ones who are local. If I would have known the friends who live locally I would have told my husband that they wouldn't have enjoyed our wedding. I get a good sense from people. Having people who I have NEVER met before in my wedding made the situation even MORE embarrassing. I was mortified. I wish I could had swim away into the ocean with all those baby turtles.

    It was a traumatizing experience. I feel I looked like a fool. I wish I could have had the guts my sister had to have a courthouse wedding with no guests.

    Every time I meet all of his friends I still feel very embarrassed, especially after going to their weddings. Some of them did ridiculously expensive weddings (that couldn't even afford). One of those "friends" who mocked me had to move to his parent's house to be able to afford their first home. Most people go broke to impress people and only care about appearances.

    I do struggle with depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem sometimes, especially when I have been living here far away from my family and I still haven't made genuine connections with anyone.

    My husband had high hopes that I was going to be best friends with these people but our wedding made a terrible impression on them, and they will never forget my wedding. If they keep mentioning it I might put them in their place in the future.







     
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  12. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome
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    Oh no. <hugs> I'm so sorry.


    Don't be embarrassed about your wedding and don't let people put you down about it. Your wedding wasn't designed to impress them. It was designed to include people you care about on your special day.
    I agree with you about spending limits on weddings and overspending to impress. A wedding is only one day in a marriage. A fancy wedding does not equal a strong or happy marriage.


    Try to see the humor in the things that went wrong. The story about the dark pavilion lit with candles so the baby turtles can make it to the ocean is already charming me. It's cute and memorable! You now have an inside joke about baby turtles and lights. Whenever the lights go out you can say, "It must be turtle hatching season!" All you can do is embrace it and turn the things that went wrong into the story... the folklore about your day.



    Thank you for opening up to me.
    As a new mom and because you're alone in a new place, you should consider seeing someone about your struggles. Having someone to talk to who could give professional direction could help. I understand if that isn't an option.

    If you aren't already, try to set up weekly zoom meetings or phone calls with your family. Or at least text regularly... a few days a week to share a baby pic or other event. Make sure you schedule your parents to come stay with you.

    I suggested this before, but keep trying to get involved in different interests to expand your social net so you can find people you connect with. Making real friends can take time, so try to be patient.


    They need to let it go. Change the subject next time they bring it up and maybe they'll get the hint. Maybe if you can all get past their disappointment in your wedding, you can find some common ground and at least be friendly during football season.

    Part of the problem seems to be that your husband is pushing you into close friendships and even inviting people you've never met to your wedding. You may need to talk to him about giving you more space to let friendships grow naturally.
     
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  13. slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
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    My thoughts while reading it was maybe you guys don't have enough in common. Friendships are usually built on similar values and interests so if that doesn't exist it's hard to relate. How did you become friends?? I know through your husband, but what does he bond over with them that you don't?
     
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  14. Peppermint

    Peppermint Well-known member

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    You don't need to be friends with these people but that doesn't mean you have to cut them out of your life either. There can be people in your life that are peripheral - not really close, but you still maintain friendly and polite relations.


    I don't think they are using you. Often people are invited out of politeness. The value of the present, if any is your decision, just like it was their decision not to buy you anything for the birth of your baby. I don't know whether you or your husband handle presents, but buying something small and inexpensive won't make you feel ripped off and will still fulfill the social obligation.
     
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  15. OP
    sapphiresky

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    Thanks. That helped a lot. Sometimes I only see the negative side of things, and I replay the same tape over and over. It's better to see what happened with a good sense of humor.

    I have always been fascinated with sea turtles, even before my wedding. I have turtle wall decor in different places of my home. Maybe it's my spirit animal.

    I do really wish I could afford professional help, because I do have a lot of traumas from different stages of my life. I have pretty bad social anxiety so things like this are like the end of the world to me.

    My husband tends to be that way. He set up a play date with his co-worker so my toddler can play with their children and so I can hopefully meet new people. I am open to that but I don't like to put my hopes way to high....because like you said it takes time to build chemistry with people.

    Thanks for "listening" to my craziness. I know I can be a pain in the a$$.




     
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  16. OP
    sapphiresky

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    Football is what keeps them together. I am not into sports that much.

    I think is interesting that a day after we meet in person she sent me a message on Facebook thanking me for hosting them and that she likes my boho-modern home decor.

    If she would have told me that she likes my home decor I would have had an interesting 30 min to 1-hour conversation about interior design with her.
    Where do I shop, Which Youtube influencers or Tv Shows I watch, Types of interior design, If I hired help (which I did, and very affordable) on and on and on

    But instead, we only talked about work, career stuff and then that got boring quickly.

    I don't know if she just prefers to move the conversation to Facebook. :shrugs:

    I have no idea. People are complicated. lol
     
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  17. slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
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    I'm bad at small talk. I will think things up later and then want to talk about them but in the moment especially if I don't know somebody well it's hard to know what to say. I think work is a typical easy topic for people since most people have a job.

    My strategy was to write a list of questions I thought were interesting to ask other people to avoid boring conversations.

    Like:

    What is the most impactful book you've ever read, good or bad?

    That works pretty well actually. If you pre plan with your own questions you might be able to take more control over conversations and enjoy them more
     
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  18. Matty

    Matty Permanent Fixture

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    When your husband is having a boy's night, tell him to make it a boy's night. Maybe they go to a sports bar, or meet at your home.

    Make the same day a girl's night for yourself and your real friends. Maybe you go out, or maybe at home.

    I'm male, and the thought of meeting friends with no spouses, children, or girlfriends is 100x more appealing than any possible alternative.
     
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  19. Asa

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    See, it is coming together! The turtles were just offering you some mood lighting for your wedding. LOL! ;)

    Maybe you should look up ways you can reduce your anxiety on you own?

    He is trying to help out by introducing you to people. Just smile your way through it and you'll eventually meet a person you click with.

    We're getting to the bottom of it. I just kept thinking that if you were complaining about other people this much there had to be more to it. <hugs>


    Next time, ask her about her home decor, or anything she seems proud of that could steer the conversation in a direction that would be more fun for you.


    I agree with @Peppermint that you can keep people on the peripheral without either ditching them or growing close.
    I also agree with @Sometimes Yeah about letting your husband have a guys' night to watch the game without including wives and kids.
     
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