Sarcastic INFJ whats behind it

N

nowornever1972

Newbie
MBTI
enfp
Enneagram
5/4
An old friend from 20 years ago we run into each other and started seeing each other. She instantly started idealising me.........saying so much really nice stuff. But I could see that some of what she was saying really wasnt me. Anyway as times gone it would of bee obviouse to her that I wasnt everything she thought I was. Not that any of what was bad, just not how she pictured it.

Anyway, lately she has been very sarcastic with what seems as cutting comments. I have said to her open and honestly and discussed did she still want to see me and she said she does. But why the sarcasim? And she doesnt seem to recipricate or say nice things now, and shes not the same doesnt seem nice. Sort of neatral, with some sarcastic comments throwen in at times.

I told her regardless that I value her as a person friend or more, and that our meeting I wanted to be a good not crap. And I have done my best to communicate but the sarcastic comments dont match with saying she wants to see me. Also shes not put much effort into seeing me and now I have to initiate contact for anything.

So what gives? I am a highly empathetic person myself. But it seems passive agressive and real switch around from idealising me so high.

Do I walk away??
 
INFJs switch drastically when they shift from extroverting feelings (Fe) to introverted thinking (Ti); they start blaming/abandoning personal responsibility, and can be pretty vicious/belittling. It seems as though they get offended that what they observe (Se) doesn't match with what they consider to be consistent with their patterns/rationalisations (Ti).

It could be a function of stress, but I suspect it is more a matter of offense at you.

I'm a different person, a different type, and don't know the particulars; but I wouldn't expect to find personal agreement, or compatibility, but only friendly compassion/empathy in the situation you describe.
 
I can understand that you don't want to have to make a definite decision. I know what I'd do, but that's me, not you.

Perhaps you could leave the ball in her court. This might be tricky because her ideal of herself might prevent her from ending things. If you explicitly leave it up to her, she might send ambiguous signals back.

You could leave things in her court by leaving her to make contact (without saying that's what you're doing), and set milestones for yourself:
* A fortnight without significant contact ("hi, how are you?" doesn't count) = you are probably available to start talking to other women.
* One month without significant contact = you're probably free to start dating again.

?
 
I dont know what to do, so I am asking for opinions. My gut feeling is to deal with it in an ethical manor, maybe point out its inapropriateness and disopear.
 
nowornever1972 said:
I dont know what to do, so I am asking for opinions. My gut feeling is to deal with it in an ethical manor, maybe point out its inapropriateness and disopear.
Click to expand...

OK. Your gut feeling sounds right to me, because that's what I'd do, although, I personally wouldn't bother pointing out what she's being doing because it might turn defensive, or go to bargaining.

If you want my own opinion: tell her that it isn't working right for you, and that you need to make a clean break, and move on. "Thanks, good luck, goodbye" and be done with it.
 
I thought INFJ were nice people? I have done knothing to deserve being treated like this, and I am shocked considering our history.
 
You are spending too much energy on this! Change your focus. Stop worrying about this, forget about all this stuff. There is no point analysing this, life is too short for being unhappy over the way someone treats you. If you don't like the way someone treats you, walk away. There are many other things in life to feel and discover. Do something that excites you. Learn something new. Go abseiling. Do some kickboxing classes. Take a class about how to cook seafood or how to barbecue a steak. Spend your life learning about things that make you happy, not things that make you sad.
 
I'm in agreement with Flavus Aquila and invisible. INFJ's can be lovely, but so can any one. And just as anyone can be unpleasant, so can an INFJ.

Honestly, an INFJ who is emotionally immature, insecure, and who hasn't got a firm moral set of principles, is someone that I'd recommend anyone to avoid in a relationship. But such traits make for someone who one should not have a relationship with in the first place! (But these traits make for the worst kind of INFJ in a romantic relationship sense). The INFJ who is 'underdeveloped' or ticked off, can like Flavus said, be very harsh, judgmental, and is an expert at making another go into a 'guilt trip' for the tiniest things.

If you were married to this woman, I'd say stick it out, work on it. But since you're not committed to her, my advice: walk away, say you've enjoyed knowing her but need to break things off. Hang out with some friends to distract your mind. Someone like this isn't relationship material, find someone who builds you up and accepts you as YOU ARE.

All the best mate!

Edit, add: An INFJ with a first set of moral principles WITHOUT a sense of self-knowledge of their own faults, capacity to hurt others etc. is not ready for a serious relationship in my experience... being one myself! Since this leads them to judge you based on what they think you should be, instead of loving you as you are and where you are at.
 
Last edited:
Don't bother formally breaking things off. She's not contacting you anyway. Just get on with your life.
 
Don't bother formally breaking things off. She's not contacting you anyway. Just get on with your life.
Click to expand...

True dat.
 
I don't really care for sarcasm. It does depend on who is using it, and to what degree. But generally, I find that satirical comments can be used to mask all sorts of ulterior motives. That is why I don't practice it, unless its within the confines of a well defined and secure relationship.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top