This is a relatively serious query of mine so I want it to remain that way.
I was wondering how interacting with people who are survivors of sexual abuse and perhaps physical abuse in childhood and young adulthood is different than people who haven't been through that.
Are survivors of sexual/physical abuse usually prone to depression and emotional issues? Perhaps emotional disorders like bi-polar disorder?
I was thinking a lot lately about my relationship with my mother and I know that she has been through a lot of things related to drugs, sexual and physical abuse in her childhood, by family and people she has dated in the past. She has been told by a psychologist once many years ago and told me that she might be bi-polar, but when I mentioned this only a few years later she said she has never gone through it.
I am trying really hard to understand sexual/physical abuse because she has in the past stated 'I came from a hard life! This is who I am! You either take it or leave it, because there's nothing I can do about it it's just how I am!" I'm paraphrasing here but that's the gist of what she said while in tears.
I think I have a lot of emotional trauma regarding the way she treated me, and I kind of am apprenshive about stating it because she always would tell me when I stated my feelings on the manner that, I had a better life than she did and that compared to most people my life wasn't that bad. She would always question why I was so disturbed by a lot of her actions and thought I was simply overreacting. People on the outside of the situation, so far as I can tell, know that when my mother gets in 'that kind of mood' she is unable to deal with stresses. I can recount lots of stories in the past of her freaking out on a variety of people.
Also, is it odd for a person not to have any social friends, go out on a regular basis recreational and to not have any interaction with neighbors? I have seen on television shows that usually women have friends come over to their house or a book club or a church they go to. Men, too. They go out and do things socially in their community and have friends. They also tend to have a relationship with their neighbors, talk to them, occasionally chat- some become friends.
Is her reclusion necessarily healthy and normal? I didn't think about it growing up, but she's really seemed to isolate herself. The only person she talks to on a regular basis is her mother who is just as bad off as her, and she refuses to make friends at work. Over the years, she has had 'phases' where she has had workfriends but they have always ended sourly and afterwards if someone wants to get together, maybe a friend who never did anything to her, she refuses. She sits at home all day online and has a lot of online friends versus actual support in real life and has had a few internet boyfriends. She seems not tot want to engage with anyone outside of he house or let anyone in the house, and I remember because we are generally slobby that I was not allowed to have friend over to the house because it was 'too messy'. She also, when the house was clean, would state that I couldn't have friends over because she wasn't in the mood or she was too tired.
There have also been phases where she was being very happy and cheerful, having my friends over [though she never had a friend of her own over to our house. I remember only one single occasion when I was about 11 years old when she did, and that is the only occasion I remember. for the most part the people who came over were my sister and I's friends, she did not have friends of her own]. She would buy gifts for me to give to my friends, but she would always mention while doing this that she was a 'good person' and that she always tried to be a 'good person' by doing nice things for people.
It always seemed very disturbing to her when people did not appreciate her the way she was wanted because she felt that her self worth, almost, was demonstrated in the kind acts she could do for others and the feedback she would get. And like a twig snapping in half, so suddenly, she would revert to being angry and crabby and not liking to have to drive my friends and I around or buy gifts to give to them- but sometimes she would do it anyway, relating it as a favor and cursing us for the many times in the past we had her do something that she apparently didn't think we were very grateful for.
I guess that's a lot of information. I'm just wondering, is this behavior normal? I know that my opinion is in some sense biased because a real psychologist would have to see the entire situation, but from the slice of life I have given you, would you say that trauma in the past has made her act this way? I do not personally think this behavior is normal after living out of the household of my mother and her mother for a period of time.
Another thing, is that she would always get worked up about when things got lost or broken. Sometimes she could go on for a half hour up to an hour or so of complaining about how irresponsible we were and cursing us that she paid good earned money for those things we had broken or lost; when we would state that we didn't mean to, or that it could always be replaced, she would say that we thought her money was just for throwing around and often would attempt to relate us to our father, who she is divorced from, and apparently has a bit of a grudge against. She would argue that we were irresponsible like he was and that our dad would just go out and blow money on things he didn't need and break things and buy money to replace them without a care in the world. While, some of this is true, my dad is an impulsive spender, I don't know, I felt uncomfortable with this sort of comparison. Perhaps I am in the wrong.
I am sharing some things that are personal to me so that you have a better understand of what I am trying to get and understand.
Do you think the forementioned behaviors are a result of abuse? I will state that her father was a drunk and slightly schizophrenic in his later years [he now lives in vegas as a homeless bum] and while he was nice, kind, and genious when he was sober he often was drunk and would do unthinkable things to his two daughters because my mother believes he wasn't in his right frame of mind to even realize what he was doing. He had smashed my aunt's face into the wall so hard that her eye swelled up to the size of a small tennis ball, and stayed that way for several weeks. He was violent and apparently sexually abusive when he was really bad off; he also had the habit of taking my mother to parties and pretending she was his girlfriend and then the two would smoke cocaine together. Needless to say, my mother was an alcoholic until she was about 20 or so? I'm not sure of the age. All of this information is the little slice of her life I know.
I also know that her mother was a clean freak and would every week have her take all of the books off the bookshelf and clean, move all of the furniture, etc, and would make her repeat it until everything was spotless. Her mom also was into her religion so much that she didn't really pay much attention to my mom, and my mother didn't go to a doctor her entire life because her family was all christian scientists. Top that with the fact that my grandmother remarried when my mother was about eight to this really strict man who had no children who was constantly worrying about stupid things. He's still like this; for example, if you are trying to bring groceries into the house he demands you shut the front wood door even though there is glass door that is protecting air and stuff from blowing it--you have to close both doors, even if you will only be gone for thirty seconds and even if someone in the house already. It's just, rules like this, that he would implement on my mother and it would add up. They had to completely dry themselves off before they stepped out of the shower because if there was any water on the floor when they were done my grandfather, the step-dad of my mom, would get angry. He wasn't violent towards them he would just slam things and make a big deal about it. You can call him passive aggressive.
So I see all of these unhealthy behaviors and I am trying to understand my mother but she's causing me a lot of problems right now. How am I supposed to deal with someone who has gone through so much and/or is it that much? Is this actually trauma and is her behavior really abnormal?
I know this was long but any input would be fantastic, so long as it is serious and pertains to the issue. No 'rabbits' please. Thanks.
I was wondering how interacting with people who are survivors of sexual abuse and perhaps physical abuse in childhood and young adulthood is different than people who haven't been through that.
Are survivors of sexual/physical abuse usually prone to depression and emotional issues? Perhaps emotional disorders like bi-polar disorder?
I was thinking a lot lately about my relationship with my mother and I know that she has been through a lot of things related to drugs, sexual and physical abuse in her childhood, by family and people she has dated in the past. She has been told by a psychologist once many years ago and told me that she might be bi-polar, but when I mentioned this only a few years later she said she has never gone through it.
I am trying really hard to understand sexual/physical abuse because she has in the past stated 'I came from a hard life! This is who I am! You either take it or leave it, because there's nothing I can do about it it's just how I am!" I'm paraphrasing here but that's the gist of what she said while in tears.
I think I have a lot of emotional trauma regarding the way she treated me, and I kind of am apprenshive about stating it because she always would tell me when I stated my feelings on the manner that, I had a better life than she did and that compared to most people my life wasn't that bad. She would always question why I was so disturbed by a lot of her actions and thought I was simply overreacting. People on the outside of the situation, so far as I can tell, know that when my mother gets in 'that kind of mood' she is unable to deal with stresses. I can recount lots of stories in the past of her freaking out on a variety of people.
Also, is it odd for a person not to have any social friends, go out on a regular basis recreational and to not have any interaction with neighbors? I have seen on television shows that usually women have friends come over to their house or a book club or a church they go to. Men, too. They go out and do things socially in their community and have friends. They also tend to have a relationship with their neighbors, talk to them, occasionally chat- some become friends.
Is her reclusion necessarily healthy and normal? I didn't think about it growing up, but she's really seemed to isolate herself. The only person she talks to on a regular basis is her mother who is just as bad off as her, and she refuses to make friends at work. Over the years, she has had 'phases' where she has had workfriends but they have always ended sourly and afterwards if someone wants to get together, maybe a friend who never did anything to her, she refuses. She sits at home all day online and has a lot of online friends versus actual support in real life and has had a few internet boyfriends. She seems not tot want to engage with anyone outside of he house or let anyone in the house, and I remember because we are generally slobby that I was not allowed to have friend over to the house because it was 'too messy'. She also, when the house was clean, would state that I couldn't have friends over because she wasn't in the mood or she was too tired.
There have also been phases where she was being very happy and cheerful, having my friends over [though she never had a friend of her own over to our house. I remember only one single occasion when I was about 11 years old when she did, and that is the only occasion I remember. for the most part the people who came over were my sister and I's friends, she did not have friends of her own]. She would buy gifts for me to give to my friends, but she would always mention while doing this that she was a 'good person' and that she always tried to be a 'good person' by doing nice things for people.
It always seemed very disturbing to her when people did not appreciate her the way she was wanted because she felt that her self worth, almost, was demonstrated in the kind acts she could do for others and the feedback she would get. And like a twig snapping in half, so suddenly, she would revert to being angry and crabby and not liking to have to drive my friends and I around or buy gifts to give to them- but sometimes she would do it anyway, relating it as a favor and cursing us for the many times in the past we had her do something that she apparently didn't think we were very grateful for.
I guess that's a lot of information. I'm just wondering, is this behavior normal? I know that my opinion is in some sense biased because a real psychologist would have to see the entire situation, but from the slice of life I have given you, would you say that trauma in the past has made her act this way? I do not personally think this behavior is normal after living out of the household of my mother and her mother for a period of time.
Another thing, is that she would always get worked up about when things got lost or broken. Sometimes she could go on for a half hour up to an hour or so of complaining about how irresponsible we were and cursing us that she paid good earned money for those things we had broken or lost; when we would state that we didn't mean to, or that it could always be replaced, she would say that we thought her money was just for throwing around and often would attempt to relate us to our father, who she is divorced from, and apparently has a bit of a grudge against. She would argue that we were irresponsible like he was and that our dad would just go out and blow money on things he didn't need and break things and buy money to replace them without a care in the world. While, some of this is true, my dad is an impulsive spender, I don't know, I felt uncomfortable with this sort of comparison. Perhaps I am in the wrong.
I am sharing some things that are personal to me so that you have a better understand of what I am trying to get and understand.
Do you think the forementioned behaviors are a result of abuse? I will state that her father was a drunk and slightly schizophrenic in his later years [he now lives in vegas as a homeless bum] and while he was nice, kind, and genious when he was sober he often was drunk and would do unthinkable things to his two daughters because my mother believes he wasn't in his right frame of mind to even realize what he was doing. He had smashed my aunt's face into the wall so hard that her eye swelled up to the size of a small tennis ball, and stayed that way for several weeks. He was violent and apparently sexually abusive when he was really bad off; he also had the habit of taking my mother to parties and pretending she was his girlfriend and then the two would smoke cocaine together. Needless to say, my mother was an alcoholic until she was about 20 or so? I'm not sure of the age. All of this information is the little slice of her life I know.
I also know that her mother was a clean freak and would every week have her take all of the books off the bookshelf and clean, move all of the furniture, etc, and would make her repeat it until everything was spotless. Her mom also was into her religion so much that she didn't really pay much attention to my mom, and my mother didn't go to a doctor her entire life because her family was all christian scientists. Top that with the fact that my grandmother remarried when my mother was about eight to this really strict man who had no children who was constantly worrying about stupid things. He's still like this; for example, if you are trying to bring groceries into the house he demands you shut the front wood door even though there is glass door that is protecting air and stuff from blowing it--you have to close both doors, even if you will only be gone for thirty seconds and even if someone in the house already. It's just, rules like this, that he would implement on my mother and it would add up. They had to completely dry themselves off before they stepped out of the shower because if there was any water on the floor when they were done my grandfather, the step-dad of my mom, would get angry. He wasn't violent towards them he would just slam things and make a big deal about it. You can call him passive aggressive.
So I see all of these unhealthy behaviors and I am trying to understand my mother but she's causing me a lot of problems right now. How am I supposed to deal with someone who has gone through so much and/or is it that much? Is this actually trauma and is her behavior really abnormal?
I know this was long but any input would be fantastic, so long as it is serious and pertains to the issue. No 'rabbits' please. Thanks.
