Relationship with INFJ, any hope | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

Featured Relationship with INFJ, any hope

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by chemicalzombie, May 16, 2020.

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  1. PapillonT

    PapillonT Community Member

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    It seems to me that you and your ex live by a completely different values, how do you think this will even work long-term?
    As for the advice you heard from your coach and close people: I strongly believe in integrity, loyalty, and honesty in all relationships - we deserve friends who will make us a better person, even if that means calling you out on your actions (rather than enabling you in bad decisions).
    In the end anyway, their opinion cannot be justification of your behaviour.
    Why other people's opinions matter to you so much? Do you not wonder why you're surrounded by such prejudiced superficial people?

    I hope this experience helps you in getting to know yourself better.
     
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  2. QuirkyLemonFlower

    QuirkyLemonFlower Regular Poster

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    Well sorry to be blunt but you made your bed...

    I suggest you work on your insecurities and understand YOU as a person and what YOU want in life. Once you have that sorted and you're confident within yourself that no one else's opinion matters and you can only take it on as advice not personally then you are ready to meet someone.

    I've put YOU I bold because:
    1. You are not living someone else's life, be it your mum or your friends or your therapist or pastor - they are living their lives and don't give two craps about anyone else so you need to take the same approach.
    2. People will ALWAYS have something to say regardless, this is us as a society. No one is ever happy or satisfied fully and some people want to fill that void in someone else. For example, your mum, she is living her life and doing her own thing, you need to do the same for your own self.
    3. Real true raw love is, regardless of where your partner is at this moment in time, if you are happy and know that in the future you'll be living a content comfortable life, then you would ensure that you overcome whatever obstacle comes your way. Relationships are full of tests and trials and you need to be ready to get through those with your partner and trust that there is ease after hardship.
    4. Change your therapist. Man doesn't know what he's talking about. He is supposed to be impartial.
     
    #22 QuirkyLemonFlower, May 16, 2020
    Last edited: May 17, 2020
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  3. OP
    chemicalzombie

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    haha great choice in media. I did express how I wanted the relationship to progress. At the very beginning of our relationship, I said I wanted to meet in person in one year. He could not honor that and when that became clear I extended it. I even offered to visit him despite my parents objections. He said no because he didn't want to make my parents mad.
     
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  4. JustPhil

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    If you did advise him how you wanted it to go then the mistake was the taking of the number and following up on it.

    First relationship? We all make mistakes, that's how we learn. Don't beat yourself up about it too much but at the same time, ensure that you learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them.

    But do move on .. first love always feels like the end of the world, but depth wise it's really only a toe in the ocean for most of us.

    Trusting to your own intuition rather than that of friends and family would also be a good idea. Yes, you will make more mistakes, but again YOU should learn from them and become more adept at guiding yourself.
     
  5. FiftySeven

    FiftySeven Community Member

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    On this site you will get a lot of moralizing about any level of infidelity.
    Aside from why you would step out on him my question is how did telling him serve you?
    That is your starting point.
    He must have been presenting numerous red flags for you.
    At most you can try to pick up some pointers to yourself about what you want a
    and how you attempt to motivate people to behave the way that is acceptable to you.
    Knowing what those ways is a really really good start.
    and lastly, its always a trade off...maybe some guy is not on a great career path
    but you really enjoy being with him
    maybe at that point you let go of your attachment to one aspect of what you want for another.
    ps not sure most INTJs have the stomach for an INFJ and vs versa
     
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  6. OP
    chemicalzombie

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    Not sure I understand the question. How did telling him serve you? Could you clarify what you mean?

    Yes, I agree that it is definitely a trade-off. I'm trying hard to figure out what I want.

    I know now that I want the same faith, and some sort of job. It doesn't have to be much, but some sort o-f work. I'm also debating about whether I could do another long distance. I honestly don't think I can.

    Haha maybe my problem is I keep falling for INFJS
     
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  7. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
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    Bingo. . so before you ask random people,ask yourself this question and find the answer. No one here can give advice about what you want, only you can do that. . As a token INFJ male, given this story, would I want to be with you?. . no, sorry
     
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  8. SpecialEdition

    SpecialEdition THANKS RUG

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    So in this case, no you cannot reconcile.
     
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  9. slant

    slant Ruby Adoraboobie

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    I empathize with this a lot because this is a pattern of behavior I've fallen into myself many times. I think that I have finally managed to kick myself out of it, that doesn't mean in the future I won't struggle with it, but moreso that I think I've resolved what caused me to keep falling into these situations. I can't speak on your experiences, I can only share my own, so keep that in mind.

    If someone doesn't desire the same amount of contact as you do, youre selling yourself short. Maybe you believe you won't ever meet another person with the same connection you have with this person. Maybe you feel a lacking because they were giving you something valuable whatever that may be. The bottom line is that you have to reflect on why it is that you want something that another person doesn't want. Why are you willing to make yourself work so hard? Don't you think you deserve reciprocation? Things end.

    Endings are hard.

    We can't turn back time no matter how much we want to and instead of looking to the past or a hopeful future, we can look at what we can do today to find what we need. You're not going to get what you need from this person. Once you stop resisting reality, things get much easier.
     
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  10. QuirkyLemonFlower

    QuirkyLemonFlower Regular Poster

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    Take this as a learning point as this comes across as a bit dodgy. But now you know to avoid these kinda guys and to find someone who is willing to meet you and make the relationship work.

    As this is your first relationship as @JustPhil learn from the experience and move on. Focus on you. First relationship break ups always suck but eventually you'll be ok and will have met someone else when the time is right and this guy will be a memory.

    A friend once told me, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs to meet your prince!
     
  11. QuirkyLemonFlower

    QuirkyLemonFlower Regular Poster

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    Take this as a learning point as this comes across as a bit dodgy. But now you know to avoid these kinda guys and to find someone who is willing to meet you and make the relationship work.

    As this is your first relationship as @JustPhil learn from the experience and move on. Focus on you. First relationship break ups always suck but eventually you'll be ok and will have met someone else when the time is right and this guy will be a memory.

    A friend once told me, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs to meet your prince!
     
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  12. OP
    chemicalzombie

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    This is good and helpful in terms of moving on. You're right I deserve reciprocation. I think part of the problem is that I sometimes lie to myself a feel that I messed up my chance at the One for me or some other BS that society tells you about love. The reality is he wasn't able to give me everything I need. If he was I wouldn't be in this situation. I guess I blame myself due to my bad behavior. I think that he would not be so distant and cold if I hadn't been so heartless. I have to accept the reality that he doesn't want to talk to me now and probably never will.
     
  13. Hostarius

    Hostarius L I G E T I C

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    Why is everybody so damn useless at humaning?

    Lol

    Fuck people, they suck.
     
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  14. OP
    chemicalzombie

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    lol, I am chief among sinners. No stone-throwing for me
     
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  15. Maikl Jexocuha

    Maikl Jexocuha Ла Фагмакфа!
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    Best post here. Totally agree. Poor guy...
     
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  16. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    Sorry, @chemicalzombie, I'm on the side of your INFJ ex and think he should run for the hills.
     
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  17. just me

    just me GONE

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    Never betray an infj male. He will walk away forever.
     
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  18. Hostarius

    Hostarius L I G E T I C

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    Nah, they aren't like that.

    They're just people.
     
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  19. Boots

    Boots Newbie

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    This is sad all around. I can understand from both perspectives–yours and his. I'm not going to say what everyone else has already said, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and want to believe you acted in that way out of hurt and frustration with your situation. It was wrong, but we're humans with complex needs and desires; most importantly, we are all stupid sometimes and make mistakes.

    To answer your question, I believe INFJs are very VERY much capable of forgiving and reconciling if you show that you are truly genuine with your intentions. Now, how to go about that is a bit tricky–if you come off too overbearing or duplicitous, it'll scare him away forever.

    Speaking from experience as an INFJ, I have done both the "door slam" and never looked back BUT ONCE, I did give someone another chance. The one instance where I let someone back into my life after the "door slam," it took him four years of showing genuine remorse and care for me to open up to him again. During those four years, he would text me occasionally--an operative word here, "occasionally"-- especially when he'd learned something significant about my life through our mutual friends (e.g. An example of his text, "I heard your brother was sick. I'm so sorry you are going through this."). Additionally, he was ALWAYS the first person to text me a happy birthday at exactly midnight every year. I ignored all of his attempts for years. However, in the fourth year of utter silence, he texted me on my birthday, again, but this time I said thank you. A friendship was rekindled and then we dated for two years after. We broke up, but to this day I still regard him as one of my friends.

    Now, I'm not saying that you should go and make this kind of effort. I'm saying that INFJs' intuition and compassion run pretty deep, we can sense when you're BSing us but we know when you're being sincere as well. That sincerity will trigger our sympathy, and that is the only way back into our lives.
     
  20. Roses In The Vineyard

    Roses In The Vineyard Community Member

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    This is a good example why relationships mean very little in 2020 when people are so disposable when they fail to meet expectations. This is why old souls end up going through life solo as it is simply easier and peaceful in the end where being happy alone is preferable to a life of suffering being with someone else.
     
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