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  1. chemicalzombie

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    Hey everyone,

    INTJ female who dated an INFJ male. We broke up 6 months ago. I've been trying to move on but it has been difficult and I want to know if there is any hope for reconciliation.

    Full details

    We met through an online dating site and hit it off instantly. We talked for a month. We became exclusive in 12/2019 He was living in Minnesota at the time finishing up his degree. He graduated in April 2020 and moved back home to California. I was in Virginia, looking for jobs and doing freelance writing to pay the bills. He needed to pass his boards in order to complete his degree. He took his first exam in June and did not pass. The original plan was for him to visit that summer. We pushed the plans for him to visit to 12/8/20. He was supposed to take the exam again in October but had a death in the family. Meanwhile, I find a stable job in 10/20 (due to my disability I did not need a job, but wanted to plan for our future). He takes the exam in November and does not pass. At this point, I start to get impatient. I felt like our relationship was not progressing. I ask him what his plan is now that he hasn't passed a second time. Will he get a part-time job to support our future so that we can be together. He says yes. This helps alleviate my fears a little although I still have doubt. I go home for thanksgiving and introduce him to my family for the first time. My mom is worried and says what kind of 33 year old still has no job and lives with his parents. Thus I begin to feel insecure again. I try to talk to him about it, but it goes nowhere. After Thanksgiving, I meet a guy, we'll call him tall guy at a Mexican restaurant. Tall guy gives me his number. Tall guy and I text back and forth, subtle flirting. Tall guy asks me out. Meanwhile, my boyfriend and I start fighting about his future plans and when he is going to visit. I decided to break up with my boyfriend. I tell him that I want to date local guys (unfortunately this was right before our one year anniversary). I accept tall guys offer to go on a date. It goes well, but all I can think about is how this was supposed to be with my ex. After three weeks I stop talking to tall guy completely.

    Throughout December, my ex and I go back and forth. He tells me that he cannot be just friends and does not think we can be together because he no longer trusts me. I say that's fine. I delete his phone number and unfriend him at his request. I get an email from him asking if we could try the friendship thing. He says he didn't like the way things ended. He missed our spiritual connection. I excitedly emailed him back saying that I would like to maintain a connection. I tell him that I'll unblock him and that he can call me and we can discuss what we both want. I get a text that night saying that the email was a mistake and that there were too many negative emotions. He hopes that one day he'll be able to reach out again in friendship, but not right now. Disappointed I say why don't we just try a phone call. The phone call does not go well. I ask if I can help him find a job. He does not want my help. He says he doesn't want us to be together. After the phone call, I get a text that says he still loves me but he needs space. I try to give him space. I said that I sent him his Christmas gift because I thought we were going to reconcile. But after that, I would give him space. We text throughout December. I don't text him again until February. I ask him if he wants to play Chess; a favorite pastime of ours. He agrees. I was hoping our chess outing would go well because I wanted to travel to California in March. At the end of the chess date, he was unusually cold. I asked him if he did not have a good time. He says he did, but seeing my face on video brought up too many negative emotions. He says he wanted a clean break.. I say that's fine but please don't reach out to me like last time. He said he won't.

    I sent him a message via Facebook messenger a month ago with no response. He read it though. I since told him that I would honor our clean break and that I hope he takes care. I want to respect his wishes of no contact, but I do miss his friendship. Is there any chance we could be on a talking basis again (not romantic, just talking)?
     
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  2. Hostarius

    Hostarius L I G E T I C

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    Oof.

    What are you doing accepting numbers from guys when you are in a relationship?

    What do you want from this relationship? Do you actually want friendship, or are you planning on using that to escalate back into a romantic relationship? You have to be honest with yourself about your own intentions.
     
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  3. Milktoast Bandit

    Milktoast Bandit Every thing for everything else...

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    Relationship with INFJ, any hope


    No.
     
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  4. Hostarius

    Hostarius L I G E T I C

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    Lol, we aren't the best dudes to be helping this chick, bro :tearsofjoy:
     
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  5. OP
    chemicalzombie

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    Okay I fully admit to having made a mistake by accepting his number. I guess I have such low self-esteem that I never imagined that a random guy would be interested in anything more than friendship. We had a lot of similar music tastes (something my boyfriend lacked) and I'm always looking for friends to go to concerts with. So that's how and why.

    Sigh, I still care about my ex. I don't think I love him romantically. I honestly don't know what I want. I kind of just want to know he's okay, did he ever pass his exam or find a job? I would be happy to know he's happy to even without me. I do feel like there's no one else who fits me as he does, but I think the romance ship has sailed. Basically I'm fine being single for the rest of my life.
     
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  6. Milktoast Bandit

    Milktoast Bandit Every thing for everything else...

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    Hahahahaha!
     
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  7. Hostarius

    Hostarius L I G E T I C

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    Did you ever apologise to him for this? Did you ever even tell him? It seems like you've forgiven yourself and you're not too guilty about it.

    Leave the poor fucker alone and get on with your life.
     
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  8. OP
    chemicalzombie

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    Of course, I did and I still feel guilty about it. If I didn't I won't be on here writing about it lol. Funny my ex said the same thing. I honestly don't know how to appear guilty. Yeah, I have left him alone; haven't talked to him in 3 months. I do appreciate you not pumping sunshine up my ass though. Funny most people, I talk to take my side. The first time someone has called me to the carpet and I appreciate that
     
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  9. Hostarius

    Hostarius L I G E T I C

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    I think it's because I'm a guy and I want to protect this other dude from getting into a situation where he's going to be cheated on and/or left.

    Your ex sounds like the devotional type, so when you inevitably destroy him again, he's going to be even more hurt.

    Remember this was a guy you were planning a future with... and you still accepted some other guy's number.

    You're very untrustworthy and the advice for him is to run a thousand fucking miles away from you. You don't know what you want, so you're indecisive and flaky and trying to use him to decide. This is scummy on so many levels.

    The advice for 'you'... I've no idea. I wouldn't want to try to help you unless you put in a huge amount of effort to rebuild his trust.

    I simply cannot fathom why.


    So yeah, I'm sorry, but I've got to pull out of this thread because I can't, in all good faith, help you. Maybe some @Girls can help you.

    Good luck.
     
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  10. PapillonT

    PapillonT Community Member

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    Regardless the sex, I am honestly a bit surprised that people "take your side" in this... I am a woman, but despite certain justification in your insecurity, I can't quite understand or agree with your behaviour. I'm sorry, I don't want to be harsh, this is just my personal opinion and maybe someone else will give you better advice.

    Do you want to be with this guy because of who he is or with some ideal image that people around you will approve?

    Perhaps you should think a bit more about the reasons behind the choices you made, and the core values you want to work on, what you want in a relationship in general.
     
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  11. OP
    chemicalzombie

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    When I say people take my side, most people point out that it was long distance, he didn't have a job, and it had been a year with no plans to visit. My friend who is a relationship coach and author says, "I am angry at him for dating you for a year long distance without arranging to spend time in the same city as you." and "if a guy really wants to find a way, he will find a way even if he falls on hard times."

    So while most people see what I did was wrong, my friend above says, "even if it was wrong for you to talk to other men first, it doesn't mean it shouldn't have ended or that it was ok for him to keep me around for a year with no plans to see me."

    My youth pastor told me to quote, "dump the loser." (upon learning he had no job).

    So again, I am guilty and wrong but most people I talk to understand.

    Those other questions are good to think about. thank you
     
  12. JustPhil

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    Having a job seems to be a very big thing from where you are? Are no people unemployed that are in relationships? :/

    I don't see what not having a job and love have to do with each other. It seems you want a vehicle to venture into the future with .. not a partner.

    He probably makes contact for the same reason you do, missing each other's company, but he realises that the abuse of trust (you agreed you became exclusive) that a relationship will never be on the cards again. Even a friendship relies on a level of trust so when he realises (on making contact again) he bows out. He's just finding it hard to let it go.

    Your friends are your friends, and will always make you out to be the victim because they know it makes you feel better. Your relationship coach probably needs to find another job, and your youth pastor needs to be drop kicked across the road.

    Let it go, and move on. Use it as an experience so you can be a better person in the next relationship you have.
     
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  13. Hostarius

    Hostarius L I G E T I C

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    :tearsofjoy::tearsofjoy::tearsofjoy::tearsofjoy::tearsofjoy::tearsofjoy::tearsofjoy:
     
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  14. QuirkyLemonFlower

    QuirkyLemonFlower Regular Poster

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    LMAO excellently put!
     
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  15. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    Best you move on and leave the poor guy alone. Learn from this and try being a better partner for the next guy. And better yet, don’t do long distance, as you are clearly not emotionally mature to handle one. Which is okay because not everyone can do long distance, but for those who do, they stick it out despite how hard it gets.

    I’m sorry but reading your story angered and upset me a bit, especially considering I’m in a long distance relationship myself.

    I currently have no job, but my partner doesn’t mind that. He knows I’m currently working on my psychology degree and pursuing certification to get into a good job. Also do you live in the states? If you do, then do you honestly know how costly it is to pay for tuition and fees, let alone live in a single household? Don’t blame the guy for living with his parents because it ain’t cheap to attend college. Many people nowadays live with their parents because getting a degree meanwhile is too costly to afford a place on their own. I honestly would live on my own if I could, but I realistically can’t or I would be in the streets.

    My boyfriend doesn’t mind that I currently don’t have a job because a job doesn’t define or constitutes a major part of a relationship. And he knows I’m trying to work my way up for it, just like how your ex was. It’s not like your ex was pursuing to be a bum and be a lazy hobo, he was trying and working on his exams, and someone in the family died. It’s a lot to deal with. Give the poor guy some slack.

    I’m sorry but also flirting with another guy whilst in a relationship? Seriously? I have low-self esteem and depression/anxiety, and in therapy for it, and that’s no excuse for that B.S. it’s very sleazy on your part. And it seems obvious from your friends’ opinions and perspectives that they have a bias.


    Anyways move on. You clearly didn’t love the guy enough. Best he finds someone who will understand and love him properly, and you do better and learn from this experience.
     
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  16. QuirkyLemonFlower

    QuirkyLemonFlower Regular Poster

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    [​IMG]
     
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  17. OP
    chemicalzombie

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    This is my favorite response so far. It seems level headed. So you would marry a jobless person? I think you can love someone and still realize there's no future potential. Yes I do want to build a future with my partner. INTJ and optimization is a thing. I think I can love my ex and realize we're not progressing towards marriage and family. I can't start a family with someone who can't even provide for himself. Maybe one day he'll get there, but if he won't improve himself now for me, why should I be a doormat and wait?
     
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  18. QuirkyLemonFlower

    QuirkyLemonFlower Regular Poster

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    Hello there,

    So I've tried to think of an unbiased approach to this, but why did you take another guys number or why is it so important that infj guy as a man isn't working but still studying so that he can get a decent job in the end or what is so bad that he's living with his parents? why couldn't you wait or be patient for him to finish?

    I'm sorry but I'm failing to understand why none of the above came to mind....I may be coming across as unreasonable and horrible and I do apologise but for as an infj the above are some of the important factors of a relationship, which are I'd hope my partner would be patient and make the sacrifice until I can provide and I'm able to provide in the future. I'd be thinking that I just need to give my all to my degree to have a decent future. Sometimes in a relationship you have to make sacrifices if you genuinely love that person.

    I get the impression you weren't in love with the guy but that he was genuine and devoted and you liked that idea instead of him as a person.

    I apologise for any offence caused but like the others, this is quite something not good for us infj's.
     
  19. JustPhil

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    Yes, I would marry or be in a relationship with a jobless person. To me love is not about objects or status, it is something innate within your soul.

    If the relationship wasn't progressing the way YOU wanted, then you should have ended it. You were a doormat for a year, but that's on you, you allowed that to happen. If you had a theory or idea on how you wanted it to pan out then you should have communicated this to him and when it wasn't going the way you wanted, be upfront, explain it, end it and THEN look for a new partner.

    Why should he improve himself for you? You can't accept him for who he is, then you do need to move on. Celebrate what you had, remember it fondly in your heart and move on.

     
  20. OP
    chemicalzombie

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    No offense at all. I think I was afraid. I had a ton of people in my ear. My roommate, for example, kept saying how I couldn't trust anything he said. She kept asking how I knew he was studying or how did I know that he really graduated. My mom kept asking what does he do all day if he doesn't have a job. Even my therapist said that my concerns about his truthfulness were valid. Yes, I should have been more mature and tuned all the naysayers out. I didn't. I regret that very much. I wish I had stood up for him and us. So yes I caved to my insecurity. I began to worry that I was wasting my time. So when another person expressed interest, despite my misgivings, I felt like I would regret not taking the chance. My ex was my first relationship. So if I acted imature when it comes to relationships, it's because I was.
     
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