Relationship advice to INTJ ladies | INFJ Forum

Relationship advice to INTJ ladies

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Miss Van Gogh, Sep 5, 2009.

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  1. Miss Van Gogh

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    Hi INFJ Ladies,

    I come to you as a messenger from the INTJ forum - we, INTJ ladies find relationships a real challenge - especially getting into them - and I think we have a lot to learn from you. - You seem nice and caring towards the opposite sex - where as we at time come across as kind of 'cold' and 'aloof'...

    Would you tell us what you do to get into relationships with people you like?
    How does flirting work?
    What do you do to show affection to someone you like?
    What do you say?
    What do you do?

    Looking forward to your responses! :)
     
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  2. Nela

    Nela Community Member

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    I think I can speak for everyone when I say: Thanks for the compliments and welcome to the forums. :)

    Well, personally, I uhm.. never flirt. I'm too shy, I feel uncomfortable flirting. I might make some eye contact but that's about it and I don't even feel comfortable doing that. When I like someone I will most probably try to be around them more often, so he notices me and takes the first steps himself.

    I don't really know what I do.. I show interest in the other person, I also like to surprise people. Do little things to brighten his day. And when in a relationship.. Well I'm a pretty cuddly person so that's an important way for me to show my affection.
     
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    #2 Nela, Sep 5, 2009
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  3. Orion

    Orion Strength through understanding
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    Would you tell us what you do to get into relationships with people you like?

    Ask the person who you like, out. Talk to them loads, asks questions, show genuine interest.

    How does flirting work?

    It's basically how you say something. Giving everything a slightly sexual edge. You lightly take piss out of the person and be sarcastic/teasing. Being assertive and confident.

    What do you do to show affection to someone you like?

    Punch them. Lightly. Pull something out of their hair if there's something in it. (If not, plant something there) Give them light compliments, sparingly.
     
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  4. slant

    slant Ruboobie

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    ISTP response. Here it comes :D

    Would you tell us what you do to get into relationships with people you like?
    Relationships? Pah! Who wants those?
    How does flirting work?
    I don't actually know. People think I'm flirting when I'm not, I've never actually purposely flirted before. I think what you need to do is make crude remarks, and twist everything someone says. Make people laugh and if you do it enough to one person they'll think you are flirting with them. Espeically if the jokes are sexual in nature, which mine, almost always are.
    What do you do to show affection to someone you like?
    Hmm, I dunno. I tell them that I like them for one thing. And if they ask me to do something, I do it. If there is something I know they need to get done but they don't have the time, I do it. I guess essentially if I like someone I do a lot more for them then I generally would do for anyone. I'm a pretty lazy person so if I go out of my way for you, I like ya.
    What do you say?
    About...?
    What do you do?
    Huh?
     
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  5. Nausus

    Nausus Community Member

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    We don't really do anything in particular, I don't think. It depends on what the individual feels most comfortable with and how their relationships with the opposite sex are. Personally, I like to get to know them well enough first, and establish a decent relationship to the point where you can have deep conversations. Then, I like to play on the things they like; not lie or anything, but establish common ground and work on that.

    I don't really flirt as such I don't think, I just kinda blurt out if I like them or not, and see what happens. But I like to make it clear that it doesn't matter if they don't feel the same way. As for showing affection, it's just the same as though you were friends. Show consideration to them if they're having a tough time, and laugh with them through good times, that in itself shows you care.

    As I said before, it depends on the individual and your stance with the other person. Each person has their own approach to how they get into a relationship with someone.
     
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  6. foureyes

    foureyes Community Member

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    My INFJ friend used to do thing like this to me all the time. I didn't realise he was flirting.
    *pain*
     
  7. Orion

    Orion Strength through understanding
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    Which bit? The punching or the talking sexually? You know what, you're not the only one. This girl I liked HAD NO IDEA EITHER. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. That would be hilarious.
     
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  8. foureyes

    foureyes Community Member

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    A little bit of both now that you mention it but I mostly meant the last thing you said. He never punched me because he's just doesn't do that but there were several times when he pulled random things out of my hair. One time he cleaned my glasses for me because he said they were dirty (they were) it's hard to tell because he just acts this nice usually. One time though when I remeber suspecting is when I was talking to him all scared because I was about to try out for the play alone and I had no friends with me and I was talking really fast to him about how scared I was being humorus as well when he left me to go to his bus he was comforting and he put his hand on my backpack and it just sent chills down my spine, literally because I could feel the the strength yet care of his hand on my back. It made me weak.
     
  9. Orion

    Orion Strength through understanding
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    Okay so, at what point were you having a problem recognising that he liked you? :suspicious:
     
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  10. foureyes

    foureyes Community Member

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    It's just that his flirting, I wasn't sure whether he was just being friendly or not. Idk I guess I didn't recognise because when I like a person I can't help but act rather angsty/akward around them but with him idk it was more subtle and gentel like.
    I sound really dumb for not noticing. like I noticed I just didn't realise that's what it was.
    I also think tho that it was unusal cirtcumstances. If he did like me which I sorta think he did, it would have been complicated.
     
    #10 foureyes, Sep 5, 2009
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  11. Orion

    Orion Strength through understanding
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    (Sigh)

    Back to the relationship drawing board for me.
     
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    #11 Orion, Sep 5, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2009
  12. foureyes

    foureyes Community Member

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    No don't change your techniques. His hints which I was oblivious to were like the sweetest thing ever!
    maybe tho drop a bit more of the sexual hints. Those ones were pritty hard to miss. (tho I did doubt a few of them :p)
    It was mainly his friendly disposition that threw me off, (though that's something I love bout INFJs) It's just that I get really nervous whenever I like someone. I'd maybe if you could send out a somewhat angsty vibe, just act a little more tense when your around the person, an Fi would be sure to pick up on that.
     
    #12 foureyes, Sep 5, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2009
  13. arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    Welcome! :) Although I would give you a caveat: Sometimes the problem has more to do with being an introvert rather than a feeler. So keep that in mind when you ask the questions because the same problems may happen for both of us.

    Would you tell us what you do to get into relationships with people you like?
    This is very difficult for me. I usually don't make the first move. But if it happens, it'll probably be a friendship first. I wouldn't go out with someone I didn't trust and know, and I wouldn't just go for a fling. I'd have to know him first. If we're cruising along at the friend stage and he makes a move I might consider more than friendly, I might make another move back.But I wouldn't start *anything* until he made the first move.

    How does flirting work?

    You got me. I usually smile more if I like the guy, and I might look more into his eyes and pay attention. I'd give more physical cues without invading his space: Laughing at his jokes, touching him lightly on the arm (very briefly) and nodding more as I'm listening to his words. But see, we'd be friends first anyway. So some of this could be interpreted as "friendly." For me, it's flirting.

    What do you do to show affection to someone you like? What do you say?
    What do you do?


    We'd better be friends first. But if they're my friend, then I'd find out something (or I'd know something) near and dear to their heart. A lot of Ni would come into play. They might've mentioned in passing that they really like this band or album, or they really like this gadget...so I'd make or invite them to somewhere that matches their interest. My (ex) INTJ bf once invited me to see Riverdance because we both shared a love of Irish culture. And it was totally unexpected. I loved it.
     
  14. OP
    Miss Van Gogh

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    Posted via Mobile Device[/sihank

    Thank you so much, Nella, Yield, Slant, Foureyes and others - this is wonderful.
    Please keep talking. - you seem so at ease with this - and we feel clueless :)
    so have a lot to learn from you.

    Also - next time you meet an INTJ female - we are not 'mean' just a bit complicated - but we are trying - honest!
    :)
     
    #14 Miss Van Gogh, Sep 5, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2009
  15. Azure_Knight

    Azure_Knight Community Member

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    Would you tell us what you do to get into relationships with people you like?

    Show the other party that you are interested in them or what they have to say. Ask questions to clarify and to continue the conversation (if desired). Think about the signals that you are sending out (body language, tone of voice, eye contact, etc). In many cases, these things are even more important than what you are saying (ie how you come across and the way you communicate can be more important than what you are communicating).


    How does flirting work?

    It depends on the couple. Some enjoy teasing each other, others like passing notes or have 'games' that they enjoy playing with one another. If you aren't sure what you like, try a trial and error approach.

    What do you do to show affection to someone you like?

    Spend time with them, do things with them, and be respectful to the other party. Tell them what they mean to you if the mood seems right. Get small gifts and other things to give; it shows you are thinking about them and value them.


    What do you say?

    Talk about what interests you, about what you like to do, about yourself, and funny stories. You don't have to talk a great deal, but you should be comforable with holding a conversation.

    What do you do?
    Use intuition to pick up on subtle cues and the 'mood' of the other person. Pay attention to them, and be yourself.
     
  16. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Would you tell us what you do to get into relationships with people you like?

    Well, I've not had much luck in initating things. Probably cuz I'm the "grab-em-by-the-collar-and-kiss-em-hard-type" and I go for girly men who aren't into that kinda thing (apparently.) Other than that. I'm very aloof. It's rare that a male will approach me that I in turn, like. I don't really do anything to get into a relationship. Sorry to tell ya, I have no strategy. It just kind of happens. Every so often a lad is smitten and I reel him in if I divine promise in his character. That's it.

    How does flirting work?
    Sass.

    What do you do to show affection to someone you like?

    I tell them. I act silly around them and try to make them laugh. I make them food and write them poems.

    What do you say?

    "I like ya a whole bunch."

    What do you do?
    Kiss them a lot and give them backrubs, jump all over them like a squirrel in public. Don't take any of my advice seriously. My boyfriends are few and far between.
     
  17. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    Well, I think INFJs have the same problem with appearing cold and aloof, except they're also emotional when you scratch beneath the surface.

    To answer your questions (and I'm a guy):
    1. To get into a relationship with people you like, you need to talk to them, spend time with them, ask them out.... ah i don't really know i suck at relationships.
    2. Flirting is basically what the INTJ forum consider's nonsense.
    3. Depends on the person. Anything to show you're thinking of them works.
    4. Depends on the person. Making them laugh (but not feel bad) is good.
    5. Give him head; he will like that. Okay, not seriously. Umm, it depends on the guy.

    What kind of guy are you after?
     
  18. OP
    Miss Van Gogh

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    The right one. :) Honest, sensitive, independent. -

    The questions are in general mostly - we are having an discussion on the INTJ forum about how relationships are a challenge for the INTJ ladies and we felt that we could learn from the INFJs' natural warmth and caring.

    http://intjforum.com/showthread.php?p=677857#post677857
     
  19. Orion

    Orion Strength through understanding
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    Seriously.
     
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