You are quite right - as I said earlier in my reply to
@QuickTwist, I didn't want to carry on a intellectual discussion about the relative merits of Catholicism in the middle of your conversation with him because yours was more important, and it would have been a diversion. I wasn't around as much, and got caught up in some of the other threads too - this one has grown quickly and it's taken me a while to catch up, and even so I've had to skim it a bit.
If you are anything like me, the emotional charge of the sort of problems you describe with other people tend to mask my intuition's grasp of what is going on underneath, and I can't see it clearly. It's worth reflecting on because there are ways of avoiding simple flying back into the same candle flame over and over. The trouble is that they can feel cheaty / dirty, but I found that, for me, that was being over-scrupulous. In any group of folks, like you said, there is a social hierarchy, and it won't always lie congruent with the formal supervisory structure of the group. Now if you were an INTJ you'd do what was both correct and right regardless if it pissed off the social order - in fact some of them actually enjoy doing that. But for me, I found it better to use my Ni/Fe to get a feel for the social flavour, and at first to avoid any value judgements. This could take quite some time - weeks, months even. Then I'd treat the situation like a game - a bit like role playing in a computer game. And I learnt to never, ever, bring any of them inside my inner self like many INFJs do, unless I knew them really well and trusted them - that way I could keep them at arms length. It took me till your sort of age to learn this!
In a new group, I'd play my role as a newcomer, at the bottom of the pecking order, and try and build a good relationship with the alpha members on their own ground. If that meant I had to convert my interactions with them into a different type, then so be it - and you can use the natural grain of the wood in this in your favour, because an INFJ can never outmatch an ESTJ (say) on their own ground, so you will never look like a social threat to them. It's really quite a good game doing this, once you get the hang of it - mind you I'm useless at anything that involves dominant Se's lol. This way you get the respect of one or more alphas, and they then protect you socially and bring you into the group. That's something you can build on, until before long you become an established member. If they are any good, the best of these guys will recognise that your own innate ways are of value to them and you can relax more into INFJ-ism, though never full force of course.
Now there's a separate issue about morality. Every social group of humans brings with it a mixture of good, evil and neither, and there's no way of avoiding this short of being an anchorite. Some situations are so dire that confrontation and withdrawal are the only options, but mostly we have to put up with it and remain on the sidelines until we are more established in the group. If gaining acceptance in the group can only be got by joining in the wrong, then that's the red light for me.
Enough for now - I've got some more thoughts. But are these of any use?
