Questions For Your Mom... (Please Help) | INFJ Forum

Questions For Your Mom... (Please Help)

dneecey

dneecey

I am who I am.
Apr 17, 2009
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Okay. So, my mom and I don't have the best relationship, but over the years we have been working on it. I plan on divulging more information in my blog, but suffice it to say that we are just now beginning to see each other for the individuals we actually are.

I am doing my best to see past the scars I have, to the point where whether or not I agree with the choices she's made, I still understand why my mom made them. Ultimately, I realize that my mom is still a human being with all of the same emotions and problems we all face, and while we can never get back the years that have slipped by, I can still have a friendship and relationship with the woman who allowed me to inhabit her body for nine months and willingly (albeit barely) brought me into this world.

That being said, she has of late ( the past two to three years ) shown a similar interest in getting to know me, which is important to me, because as far as my parents were concerned for far too long, it was only me making the effort to have a relationship... this is still the case with my father, although I make much much less of an effort now.

So, I thought a good way to get to know my mom would be,

1. To know her type and to tell her what mine is.

2. To create a survey of questions to ask her, such as

a. What is your favorite color?

b. What are you top three favorite... songs, movies, books?

c. How old were you when you had your first kiss? What was his name?



What I was hoping was perhaps you could help me to create this survey with some questions.

Please remember that this is for my estranged mother. I want to know her, and I want to give her yet another chance to know me. What would you ask your mom if you could?

( And yes, my mom has done some really harsh things to me in the past... But I have chosen to love and forgive her. I do not want to ask rude or humiliating questions. Please don't see this as a way to smart mouth your mother through mine. I would sincerely like your help. Thank you so much for considering this in advance. )

I will compose the questions I choose in a survey format and post it here when it's all said and done, just in case you want to use it for your own parents, family members, or friends.

Let's make the first deadline cutoff this Tuesday, June 23. If valid questions keep coming in after then, I will simply compose more surveys until the questions stop rolling in...

Thanks again. :m032:



Also, side note... I never ask a question without trying to answer it myself at least in my head. Ask something you would feel comfortable answering in front of your mom. I plan on answering the survey questions myself and giving her the info...
 
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What was the last book you read?
Do you like to cook?
What's your favorite food?
Tell me about a favorite event of your adulthood.
Tell me about a favorite event of your childhood.
What are your hobbies?
What do you do on Sundays?
What is the nearest bus stop or train station to your house?
What is your motto?
What's your father like?
What's your mother like?
Which sports do you like?
Who do you respect the most?
Who has had the most influence in your life?
What is your goal in life?
Are you a 'morning' or 'night' person?
When do you feel best? In the morning, afternoon, or evening?
How many cities have you lived in?
What jobs have you done?
Which do you prefer, sunrises or sunsets?
How many times did you move as a child?
Are you a task oriented person or a people oriented person?
 
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Well first of all dneecey I'm pretty glad that you have taken the courage to tell us about your worries, I feel very honored that you are taking us into consideration for something as important as making up with your mom. As a mother yourself I think you are starting to see your mother's perspective on some of the choices and decisions she had to make when you were a child, sometimes not the best decisions, but nevertheless you are seeing it from a mothers' perspective and that's pretty good. In regards to that list of question of yours I don't have any but here are some of my suggestions that you could take for consideration:

  1. Ask her is she would take the MBTI and since she's more mature she is more likely to know herself pretty well, once you have the results, start to understand her from that perspective
  2. Take some vacations with her, go shopping together, and overall spend more time with her
  3. From personal experience, write a letter(not an email) and tell her what resentments and feelings you have towards her, that helped me alot with my mom, and ask her if she would do the same.
  4. Avoid talking about the past mistakes, if you truly want to forgive her, acknowledge that she also has the right to be wrong.
  5. Take time for her to know your children also her grandkids, after all, your children are an extension of you
  6. Overall make the effort to see her as a new friend and think of her in regards to the future and of all the remarkable things you two can accomplish together.
  7. I know this is easier said than done, but I've been observing your posts and I truly know that you are very compassionate and very talented in everything you have demonstrated to us so far.
With that said, I really wish that you make things with your mom better and never hesitate to ask for help.

Best regards:)
 
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I am extremely close to my mom so it is hard to relate. However, I have a rough relationship with my dad so I can relate in that respect.

Really though, you shouldn't have to resort to giving her a servey of questions. Just talk. Keep the questions in the back of your mind, and just ask a few now and then. They in turn can lead to conversation.

One question that could get the ball rolling would be "what matters to you?"
 
When did you have your first drink? Why?
 
I can't think of anything to ask directly, but try to ask her open-ended questions, that way she can talk on the subject more and make the whole ordeal less awkward.

So instead of asking her what her favorite book is, ask her "What sort of stories do you enjoy?", that way you will still find out what your looking for, but it makes the answers flow easier in a conversation.

Just my two cents... (I think I'm gonna put that in my Sig...)
 
I am a question machine.
 
Thanks for the input everyone. I have forgiven my mom, and when I was living in her vicinity I even took it upon myself to take her out on dates, just she and I. I would call her up and ask her to dinner and movie, or the like.. I have been trying to bridge the gap between my mom and myself for an extremely long time. It is only recently that I see her trying to do the same back. Sadly, we do not even live on the same continent, so we only occasionally talk over the phone and just barely speak through email more frequently.

This is why I thought a survey might be interesting. Also I think my mom might be an introvert and need a little time to formulate good answers for specific questions.
 
mom, what was your favourite memory of me?
 
What are your favourite flowers?
What are the things that you would never give or throw away?
What is your dream life?
What is your favourite drink?
What is your fetish?
Your favourite animal?
What is your answer towards the colour of the sky?
Do you like moving house?
Where would you like to go for a vacation?
Do you have a hangout?
What is your favourite sports?
Your favourite kind of shoes?
How did you meet dad?
How you fell in love with dad?
Why did you decide to have me?
Are you looking for something?Even now?
What age would you like to be now?
 
Hmm...

I was/am in a similar situation where I was trying to figure out how to best explain to my parents about my mbti type and about why I am the way I am.

I had learned that just showing them a website or making them read about it was not the best way. because certain types (they're SJ's I believe) are more prone to being skeptical about the type theory or....they would have trouble understanding all the nuances and implications of a person's type.

Have you determined that your mom is someone who would be receptive to type theory?

Also is this supposed to be a two way street thing, where she is also supposed to learn more about you? Have you determined that a survey would be the best format?

I have found from my experience that the best way is to make the mbti type theory relate to you in a tangible way. For example, my father and I had to run to catch a bus. However, the bus driver was really mean and angry about it and almost drove away. I told my father how negative energy (in this case, from the bus driver) seeps into my soul and affects me more than it affects other people. My father just said that I shouldn't let other people have that kind of power over me. Then I told him that the thing is, I can't control that reaction. I can't help being affected by negative energy from mean, or angry people.

So in addition to the survey, you should try to recall specific experiences that you shared, and then explain why you did "x" or why you felt "x." This gives a concrete way of showing how your personality affects the way you are.
 
my mom can be a brutal ENFP, letting her emotions sway her...

me and her still have our spats ( F vs F )... but we have discussion from everything from sex, drugs and rock&roll to the microbiology of the human anatomy (she used to be a surgical nurse)...

but mom has had to raise 2 sons... so she's cool like that...

in fact, i have to shy away from her cause she sees her part in trying to get me a girl cause "every guy has NEEDS that need to be met"...

wtf?



lol... yea, my mom's cool like that...
 
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I have been trying to bridge the gap between my mom and I for many many years, and I have approached from all sorts of angles. I think, however the problem before is that she wasn't ready to be receptive to me. I'm fairly certain she is definitely an I over E but I don't know enough for the rest. The reason for the survey is to give us some common ground. I actually know quite a few of the answers to the questions I'm going to ask, because I study people, and my mom (besides myself) was one of my first and lifelong subjects. She couldn't possibly know what my answers would be though, and I'm only going to choose questions I can answer as well, in order to show her how similar we are, and also how differently we might approach certain things.

This is just one more of my quests, to show my mom, how much I do love and am interested in her.
 
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