Passive vs. Aggressive vs. Assertive | INFJ Forum

Passive vs. Aggressive vs. Assertive

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Gaze

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Is any one of these more effective than the other in getting what you want or getting things done?

I know that passive is considered weak, while assertive or aggressive is considered pro active.

But in your experience, which of these are more effective and in what circumstances?
 
I'm always direct but respectful.
If you don't have the attitude that you are better or know more, people are less likely to get defensive.

And once someone is defensive you have little chance of turning that around.

The passive stance comes across condescending. Not a good position.

That's different than being proactive and then relaxing where you are letting the other parties catch up, or respond.
 
The most effective strategy is to make someone want to give you what you want. Generally speaking, being assertive is usually the best route. It helps to be clear and upfront about your want and desires.
 
tbh, there's a ton of double standard. I've been assertive, and people still ignored me. I've been aggressive, and have people just look at me like I'm odd. While I've seen others be assertive and aggressive, and the path is suddenly paved smoothly and they get whatever they want. So, depends on the person and how others perceive the style they're using. If I'm too forceful or decisive, then someone may say, "wow, that's a bit much, that person has issues." While someone else does the same thing, and they're commended for being firm, authoritative, and sure. Yes, it's nice to believe that if you're assertive you'll get everything you want, but it depends on how someone sees it.
 
Basically if you tell someone to do something they don't want to do, they are gonna begrudge you for it no matter what. You are only going to get a positive response if that person cares about whatever it is you are doing. Being direct creates the least amount of confusion, please and thank lessens the chance that they will be an asshole as a response to your request.

Being passive never really works out unless you want to be the person who says I told you so. Then everyone will blame you anyways for not carrying your share.
 
Cedar said:
tbh, there's a ton of double standard. I've been assertive, and people still ignored me. I've been aggressive, and have people just look at me like I'm odd. While I've seen others be assertive and aggressive, and the path is suddenly paved smoothly and they get whatever they want. So, depends on the person and how others perceive the style they're using. If I'm too forceful or decisive, then someone may say, "wow, that's a bit much, that person has issues." While someone else does the same thing, and they're commended for being firm, authoritative, and sure. Yes, it's nice to believe that if you're assertive you'll get everything you want, but it depends on how someone sees it.
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True, I think that you have to come onto the scene as an aggressive or assertive person for it to work out. If you are passive and all of a sudden try to be assertive people will write you off as being emotional.
 
Could you explain a situation where you were assertive and people still ignored you?
 
UBERROGO said:
If you are passive and all of a sudden try to be assertive people will write you off as being emotional.
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Damn straight they do. So annoying.
 
You might get what you want by being passive or aggressive or passive-aggressive, but these are not healthy ways to be.

Being assertive is both effective and healthy.

But people are rarely assertive. They're usually passive or aggressive or passive-agressive.
 
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Cedar said:
tbh, there's a ton of double standard. I've been assertive, and people still ignored me. I've been aggressive, and have people just look at me like I'm odd. While I've seen others be assertive and aggressive, and the path is suddenly paved smoothly and they get whatever they want. So, depends on the person and how others perceive the style they're using. If I'm too forceful or decisive, then someone may say, "wow, that's a bit much, that person has issues." While someone else does the same thing, and they're commended for being firm, authoritative, and sure. Yes, it's nice to believe that if you're assertive you'll get everything you want, but it depends on how someone sees it.
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Well. My opinion.
Are you assertive, or can it be seen as bitchy. I'm not calling you that. I'm asking. Cause people that are bitchy get ignored. And I'm really going to get in trouble for this. But I think some women feel they need to over compensate.

I have noticed these women create fear, but not respect. And like wise men that just shoot orders are feared, but are not respected.

I want respect, and then to be feared.
In other words, I want my team to talk and communicate. I look them directly in the eye. I'm not too light hearted, but not over bearing either. I struggle with being to the point, but don't get me wrong. I know how to be. And with people I have no history with, I'm to the point.

So I maintain people should be direct, not too aggressive or bitchy, but assertive, to the point, and focused.
Look people in the eye. Slightly smile or at least not look threatening. And ask clearly for what you want.

I don't highlight what I'll do if I don't get my way. In business, everyone wants something. True for personal relationships as well, but harder to get at what they want. Use this to your advantage. Find out what they want, if you can, and barter. But if you are the customer, or the boss, or even a team mate, you are in a position to make requests/demands.

Or if it's a personal relationship, then you're a partner. Different dynamic.
I don't tend to argue with friends or my wife about what I want. If I had to fight for what I want, I'd still focus on what they want.

If you're having trouble getting service in a store, then quietly talk to the manager.
Dealing with the public is a horrible job.
If you approach them like ur crazy, they will probably be slow to help you. Always get farther being respectful.


Just my experience.
 
Rferraris said:
Well. My opinion.
Are you assertive, or can it be seen as bitchy. I'm not calling you that. I'm asking. Cause people that are bitchy get ignored. And I'm really going to get in trouble for this. But I think some women feel they need to over compensate.

I have noticed these women create fear, but not respect. And like wise men that just shoot orders are feared, but are not respected.

I want respect, and then to be feared.
In other words, I want my team to talk and communicate. I look them directly in the eye. I'm not too light hearted, but not over bearing either. I struggle with being to the point, but don't get me wrong. I know how to be. And with people I have no history with, I'm to the point.

So I maintain people should be direct, not too aggressive or bitchy, but assertive, to the point, and focused.
Look people in the eye. Slightly smile or at least not look threatening. And ask clearly for what you want.

I don't highlight what I'll do if I don't get my way. In business, everyone wants something. True for personal relationships as well, but harder to get at what they want. Use this to your advantage. Find out what they want, if you can, and barter. But if you are the customer, or the boss, or even a team mate, you are in a position to make requests/demands.

Or if it's a personal relationship, then you're a partner. Different dynamic.
I don't tend to argue with friends or my wife about what I want. If I had to fight for what I want, I'd still focus on what they want.

If you're having trouble getting service in a store, then quietly talk to the manager.
Dealing with the public is a horrible job.
If you approach them like ur crazy, they will probably be slow to help you. Always get farther being respectful.


Just my experience.
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I'm pretty far from the bitchy stereotype. I may think something negative but I rarely say it. So, I'm not one of those who's very direct about how she feels. The problem is that people have this idea that you must always be assertive or aggressive as a personality style or you don't deserve to be heard. This means you always be posing or showing this very direct or outspoken demeanor or it's ok to walk all over you. This requires me to always be proving something which I do not care about. Honestly, I've only felt stress and tension from always being on the defensive which is what constantly having to express or show assertiveness or aggressiveness does to you. For me, it's a heightened emotional state which creates more anxiety. Yes, I may need to speak up more but at the same, I'm not particular interested in showing assertiveness or aggressiveness to get respect. I think that's utter nonsense. And that's often what I see, where people feel that it's a matter of earning their respect or right to be heard. BS. Can't be bothered to expend that much emotional energy. Only stress comes from that.
 
So I'm going to just follow my instinct with you. I think, and I don't know you right, so I could be way off base, but I want to suggest having confidence.

If someone says few words, but says them with confidence, that usually wins me over. If I hear any doubt, or lack of conviction, I'm going to question you.
No reason to over compensate, get too assertive or aggressive. Say what you mean. Say it confidently. And take decisive action. That's a leader. People will follow.

You might not get your way all the time.
But even your friends, family, partners will respect what you say if you say it in a sure manner. People might challenge you, but don't waver. "Sorry, but I really need this or that. Can you help me?"
"I appreciate your time. I know you are busy. I don't mean to be pushy, but can you get this done? Is there someone in charge I can talk to."

I mean you kinda gotta make it up as you go. But I'm trying to come up with examples that are polite and courteous, but pretty straight forward about needing something. And determined to get what you want. Not unsure. But I always remember not to get people defensive. Some people are bigger asses than others. And honestly I get my way. Probably cause I'm a guy. And maybe a little intimidating to some. So
I'm privileged. But I work with a lot of strong and successful women. And I can tell you they get what they want. And there are consequences to getting in their way. How you get there, I can only remark about the qualities that earn my respect and the way they carry themselves. The rest is just personal experience.
 
Rferraris said:
So I'm going to just follow my instinct with you. I think, and I don't know you right, so I could be way off base, but I want to suggest having confidence.

If someone says few words, but says them with confidence, that usually wins me over. If I hear any doubt, or lack of conviction, I'm going to question you.
No reason to over compensate, get too assertive or aggressive. Say what you mean. Say it confidently. And take decisive action. That's a leader. People will follow.

You might not get your way all the time.
But even your friends, family, partners will respect what you say if you say it in a sure manner. People might challenge you, but don't waver. "Sorry, but I really need this or that. Can you help me?"
"I appreciate your time. I know you are busy. I don't mean to be pushy, but can you get this done? Is there someone in charge I can talk to."

I mean you kinda gotta make it up as you go. But I'm trying to come up with examples that are polite and courteous, but pretty straight forward about needing something. And determined to get what you want. Not unsure. But I always remember not to get people defensive. Some people are bigger asses than others. And honestly I get my way. Probably cause I'm a guy. And maybe a little intimidating to some. So
I'm privileged. But I work with a lot of strong and successful women. And I can tell you they get what they want. And there are consequences to getting in their way. How you get there, I can only remark about the qualities that earn my respect and the way they carry themselves. The rest is just personal experience.
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As I said, not that interested in proof. It's not confidence, it's just "I don't give a damn, because my sanity is more important than asserting something to you because I need you to listen." Not much of a fighter. It's tiring.
 
Just to clarify, I'm not saying assertiveness doesn't work and that it shouldn't be used. There are no absolutes in this case. I think they are effective in different circumstances but you need to consider the persons you are speaking with to determine what style to use. Someone who is aggressive may be more responsive if the other person who is making a request is aggressive, while in another situation, it has the opposite effect, creating more disagreement and argument. Point is, each style is effective in various situations, but you have to pick and choose when to use them. They are not always effective with everyone. For example, I think being passive is often poorly defined. If someone doesn't fight back, they are "seen" as weaker. But it doesn't mean they are weaker. They may know or realize that being more aggressive is not going to get them what they want. So, they listen or wait, and then find another way to accomplish their goals. And I also don't think aggressiveness is bad. I've seen this style of course achieve a great deal. In many instances, it's required or necessary to get things done. My point would be that each person has their own style. And the same style may not work the same for everyone.
 
Well, to answer your question directly.
Assertive works better. Except when there is too much resistance.

Passive is less effective, but can work if biding your time make sense.
 
Rferraris said:
Well, to answer your question directly.
Assertive works better. Except when there is too much resistance.

Passive is less effective, but can work if biding your time make sense.
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Agree that assertiveness seems to work better. Maybe the issue is probably comfort level with the different styles. If someone is not accustomed to using a particular style, they may find it difficult to suddently adopt it. On the other hand, confidence is separate, imho, from assertiveness or aggressiveness. I can be confident and choose not to exercise the use of an assertive style because it may not be the smartest way to get things done. I tend to see it more situationally. And I think there is so fine a line between assertive and aggressive that when people say they're being "assertive", they really mean aggressive. These terms are often used to mean the same thing.
 
Yeah, I agree. There is a confusion people make between being assertive and being aggressive. But in my mind they are very clearly different. And I can detail my mannerisms when I one way opposed to the other. They are not synonymous.

To me assertive is stating your opinion clearly.

Aggressive is demanding.

I don't think being aggressive turns most people on and I find most aggressive people have a thin veneer. I.e. it's all about you and what you want, etc.

Assertive is wanting the best for the team and I think that is better perceived.

Hope I'm making sense and am helpful.
 
Cedar said:
As I said, not that interested in proof. It's not confidence, it's just "I don't give a damn, because my sanity is more important than asserting something to you because I need you to listen." Not much of a fighter. It's tiring.
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I think that something should matter, because it seems to be in the way of what you want. What is that something?
 
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