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Paging Dr. Stork

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Faye, Jul 30, 2010.

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  1. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    This thread was inspired by this article: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-10786279


    I don't know whether or not I want to have children, which effectively means I don't know whether or not I want to be married. I know I want the benefits of marriage, but I also know that 85% of married couples eventually have children. Of the remaining 15%, most want children but are unable to have them. It is a cultural opinion that marriage is for babies (and everyone in many cases), and I think it is one of the main reasons, maybe the main reason, why people are so strongly against homosexual marriage. Every time I hear "sanctity of marriage", I think of my homosexual friends (males) who believe that vaginas have teeth and how a lot of parents must feel let down by their homosexual children because that usually means no grandchildren from them (especially if they are male).

    I know everyone expects you to meet someone and have children, and that is definitely what my parents expect me to do. But I can't even seem to find anyone at this point in life and haven't been able to really find anyone, and a large part of the reason for that is that so many women just aren't interested. Most people are either already taken ("the good ones", imo), and there is a large number outside of that who want a non-committed life with sex or they are too career focused at this point to be interested (I may even fall into the later category depending).

    Anyway, what do you think of the no-child lifestyle? Do you believe marriage is for children?


     
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  2. Gaze

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    I was always curious about this. Growing up, we are encouraged to think of marriage as being about a family which usually means children, etc. I've met a few couples over the years who didn't have kids, and they were very happy. But i'm not sure if i could see myself in a childless marriage. Maybe it's because i'm not sure whether I could handle being married to someone without anything else going on. I think maybe we'd get bored with each other after a while; not sure we'd be able to keep each other's interest or attention.
     
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  3. the

    the Si master race.
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    I lean more towards the side of Pat Benetar when she said Hell is for children. Marriage is hell. So she may have been on to something.
     
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  4. Lumi Spitsbergen

    Lumi Spitsbergen Community Member

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    I've always thought of marriage more as a way to permanently take your significant other off the market, when you've decided giving up your own freedom is worth that price. These days there are so many single mothers out there, both that I know personally and as faceless "statistics" that I figure one more wouldn't be too scandalous XD
    I WANT to have kids someday, and if I'm not married when I'm ready for that to happen I have no qualms in going for it alone. If I was for some reason unable to have children, it would bother me. But not because I would doubt my ability to stick with my partner without kids. I firmly believe that life is what you make of it. If you want it to be fun or interesting, then it will be fun and interesting with or without children in the picture.
    Marriage is something I want in the future, but only with the right person. I actually like being single, so the time it may take for me to meet that person doesn't bother me.:m168:
     
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  5. eidelweiss

    eidelweiss Regular Poster

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    According to a recent survey about American attitudes towards marriage, most people get married to be happy with a life partner, not [just] to have kids and build a family.

    This was the first time the former surpassed the latter, moving from second place in 7 reasons people got married or something like that, to first.

    Marriage is to be happy. Don't get married because you want a family. My boyfriend and I would like to have kids, but we don't see a need to do it right away.

    My mindset is, when you and your partner want to build more than your own life together, then it's time to have children if you feel that is what you want to build.

    Reasons to get married also include increased stability financially and in the relationship and having a life companion.

    Marriage isn't JUST for children; contraception has chucked the automatic baby machine woman out the window. Don't let what your parents expect keep you from getting married.

    Charles and Ray Eames were the most influential American industrial designers of the 20th century and they had no kids. Charles and Ray Eames were married, not brothers, lol. This allowed them to build a new way of making, thinking, and educating others, including children, their whole lives.
     
    #5 eidelweiss, Jul 30, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2010
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  6. DoveAlexa

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    I don't think marriage is just for having kids, or even primarily. I'd be very happy with the just being married part and maybe happier without children. I just don't think I could handle that, with the way I stress myself out and can't quite take care of myself on a daily basis. Not to mention, it seems like everyone I know who has kids is very and permanently unhappy, including my own parents, my sister, and my sister's 2 friends. I don't want to have a baby and thus end my life, which is what it feels like it'd be.

    I just want to make it solid that I am with my love and no one else, and make that commitment to taking care of him. I feel weary of those who want to be with their love as a boyfriend forever, it seems like those people are sort of saying "just in case, I don't want to be legally tied to this person" as though its still the 50's and one half of the married couple has no rights.

    So yeah, I find the sound of marriage to be delightful, but the thought of children to be frightening.
     
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  7. Gaze

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    Agree. Although I'm sure the majority of parents love their kids, today for many families, the image of parenting is "chore," job, hard work, which although is part of the reality seems to be too overwhelming so. Not that life should be a bed of roses, but i'm not sure i can handle the realities of parenting. To be honest, i think i was being fair to myself, i'd probably be much happier single/independent. And if a child happens to come along, then great.
     
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    #7 Gaze, Jul 30, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2010
  8. DoveAlexa

    DoveAlexa Chaz's Lovey Bunny
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    my implant failed and I will be VERY upset.

    Though if it happens 10 years from now I would likely be much better able to deal with it than now.
     
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  9. Phoenix Down

    Phoenix Down Permanent Fixture

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    I totally read that as "Paging Mr. Spock"
    This is a slight let down >.<
     
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  10. testing

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    Teeth?! um...no. Sounds like they don't actually see many vaginas.

    About the no-child lifestyle: I was married or living with my husband for many years before having children. I also know many heterosexual couples who do not have children and are at the age where they never will, but they still are married, and love each other and find satisfaction in being together. They tend to be the ones focused on their careers more.

    Having children is such a personal decision. I know how much pressure people can feel, but the no-chid lifestyle is every bit as valid and important as parenthood. Feeling pressured to have children would be like feeling pressured to go to medical school when you don't really want to be a doctor -- a tremendous amount of effort for something you're not really suited for.

    I love my children and I am so very, very glad I had them; in fact, I'm kind of addicted to babies. I could pull an Angelina Jolie in a heartbeat, assuming I had that kind of money and a whole passle of nannies. Children can actually put stress on a marriage/relationship, however, because you have much less time to focus on each other. Granted, you are focusing on the adorableness of your offspring, but that is not quite the same thing.

    Not everyone shares my opinion about babies, and I would never force this lifestyle on anyone, including my own children, should they grow up and decide they aren't suited for parenthood, because I know how much work it can be. I won't lie, I would love for them to have children, but I would not feel let down if they choose a different path.
     
  11. efromm

    efromm Underground and breathing.
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    I did not want kids when I was younger. I got em now. And I am glad I did. Having them is like looking back at yourself. I am always amazed at what they are doing that is just like me. I would get married and not have kids. I am not married now and I have them. Marriage has been stolen by the government and now it's an entitlement. Having kids is hard I won't lie. But they make you grow in a way that nothing else on this earth can do to you. I am happy to be a Father. It's funny though one of my buddies got married. He told his wife he did not want kids AT ALL! So they get married. And she was a virgin at 35. She said she did not want kids. They get married and she tries to trap him into having kids. Eventually she finds out she cannot have kids. And she cut off the sex too. Because sex is only for making kids. So now he is married and does not get laid. I think he was better off single. What she really wanted was children not man or a marriage.
     
  12. testing

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    One wonders if she has ever heard of sperm donors or adoption?

    That would suck. Although her having been a virgin at 35 might've been a little clue that she wasn't a big man fan. I'm sorry for your friend!

    :m142:

    (It's kind of like those men who get married solely because they want a maid and a nanny -- it's more an employee/employer relationship than an actual marriage or partnership. That seems very sad to me, I feel sorry for people who look at relationships that way; they don't know what they're missing.)

    Oh, and my husband loves being a Father too -- he is great with our children!! Not all men find it a living hell, believe it or not! <3
     
    #12 testing, Jul 30, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2010
  13. kita

    kita <font color=#990066>Regular Poster</font>

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    I mostly view legal marriage as a kind of insurance to protect the life you build with another person. If the unthinkable happens to your partner it helps to have the law protecting what you had as a couple.
     
  14. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    LOL.

    marriage, nope not for children, if you're getting married just to have kids, you're probably going to end up unhappy somewhere along the line and drag your kids with you. i think everyone's life and relationship is different, some will be better off married, others would be better off single, some would make good parents and desire to, others would be happier without and are better off without them. really depends. there's no cookie cutter answer that's going to be applicable to everyone.

    as for me personally.. yes, marriage, one day. kids, i haven't decided on yet. i know for a certainty i wouldn't have kids until i could provide for them financially though.
     
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  15. freybell

    freybell Community Member

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    I've never questioned whether or not I want to have kids... I've just always known that I do. I think about the relationship that I have with my mom, and that I had with my grandparents, and I think it would be amazing to have a relationship like that with my own kid. I wouldn't want to miss out on that kind of love...

    When it comes down to it though, to each his own. Marriage used to be about making babies... but how many children were born to parents who didn't particularly want them? That would be an awful thing to subject another person to.

    Whatever you decide though, just make sure you talk about it before the wedding ;)
     
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  16. efromm

    efromm Underground and breathing.
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    Oh she wanted him to adopt. He already had a son and he only wanted that one son. He went into the marriage agreeing to not have kids. She agreed to that. I really do not know why he got married at all. I feel as if she guilt ed him into it. I was his best friend and even I did not know about it until it was happening. We talked about it the night before the wedding and I could tell he did not want to get married again. He just felt guilty not going threw with it. My best piece of advice is if your getting married really get to know the person your with before you say I do. Because unlike dating marriage has a deeper penalty too get out of. It's should never be a snap decision. It's the most important decision of your life. And it will effect how your children will turn out in the end. We only think in the linear sense we never see all the other things waiting to mess us up.
     
  17. eidelweiss

    eidelweiss Regular Poster

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    Poor, frustrated, stuck dude. :m192: I can't imagine a lifelong relationship like that without sex, and I'm a woman.
    Sex isn't for procreation only since contraception was invented, and if you count coitus interruptus (about 75% effective), that's been about forever. She basically married him just because she wanted to have [his?] children?

    I guess some people still think marriage (at least the sex part) is for... just babies?
     
  18. OP
    Faye

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    Yes, and usually once the children arrive sex drops right off the table and smashes all over the floor. The amount of sex couples have typically goes way down once they have children.

    That isn't necessarily because they believe sex is just for children.
     
  19. eidelweiss

    eidelweiss Regular Poster

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    Oh, I get that. But it shocks me that she stopped having sex just because she couldn't have children. Maybe she just didn't really like men... and only liked the things her husband could give her.
     
  20. OP
    Faye

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    Well, I wasn't talking about that woman specifically, but I agree it is shocking. That makes me think she is really just asexual. Being a virgin at 35 doesn't just happen.
     

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