Out of the loop for a long time, and clueless | INFJ Forum

Out of the loop for a long time, and clueless

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by arbygil, Sep 18, 2009.

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  1. arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    Dating for me is an anathema. I often do not know what to say or do, and the small talk makes me feel uncomfortable. Heck, the regular talk makes me uncomfortable. I've never dated strangers, only friends, and the last "date" I had was over five years ago. No, it doesn't matter to me. No, I'm not pining. No, I really don't care that I'm not "gettin' any" - I've realized I'm in that category called "Gray-A" and it's really not a big deal to me, although I feel lonely sometimes.

    Part of it is that I really don't see myself as that "desirable" and I don't mean that in a bad way or to be down on myself. I just see myself as a person. I don't get sex appeal (I'm really rotten at it). I'm more clumsy and nerdy and seriously? I never know when a guy is hitting on me or if he's a crazy stalker weirdo (heh. I've had experiences with crazy stalker weirdos).

    So, all that background is to tell what happened to me today, and I want to hear your guys' take on it.

    I was walking to work and I saw this guy with his pug. The dog came running up to me barking, so I tried to put the pug at ease by putting my hand to the side and talking to it in a quiet voice. While I was doing that, the guy started telling me that he had just moved here, and asked what I did. I told him, and we talked a few minutes. He asked me if I were going to school, and I said I was getting my degree in library studies and he started singing the Marion Librarian song from Sound of Music, and he asked me if I saw the film.

    Now I was getting uncomfortable.

    I sort of thanked him, he told me I was nice and said it's sad that there weren't enough nice people in the world and he was glad to have met one. I sort of just smiled and said I needed to go, but thank you, etc. then I took off.

    Heh. When I told this to a coworker this morning, she said, "aww, it sounded like he was flirting with you!" I was sort of taken aback. He was nice and all, sure, but I kept thinking, "creepy stalker dude! He rapes babies! He has his ex-wife's head in a freezer!" while I was talking to him. And that wasn't me using Ni; that's just my initial reaction/fear when I meet some guy I don't know and he gets too friendly too fast.

    Unfortunately, that's how I see come-ons, if I don't know the person. I'm terribly awkward with it.

    So, here's where I ask for your take on the situation. Did I overreact? Was there something else I should've asked? What would you do in such a situation?
     
  2. sassafras

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    To be honest, arby, I think you did overreact a little bit. I mean, I think it is important to be awake to the possibility of dangers in the world, but I think that likely this guy was just trying to make friendly conversation. He's new to the neighborhood and probably doesn't know a lot of people, and wanted to reach out and get to know folks in the area. There are some people out there that need even just a bit of small talk or a friendly face to get them through their day.

    It'd be a completely different story, however, if you definitely got that 'something is not right' vibe from this dude that you just know goes beyond your initial shyness. If was most definitely the case, then I agree: better safe than sorry.

    Then again, this answers your question. If that's how you usually react to friendly guys, maybe this is something to keep an eye on; maybe, psychologically speaking, you paint them all with the same brush to avoid getting into a friendship/relationship and possibly getting hurt.

    Something to consider.

    I hope those observations helped.

    P.S: Love that new avatar :)
     
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    #2 sassafras, Sep 18, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2009
  3. Quest

    Quest Community Member

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    He could have been flirting with you like your co-worker said or maybe he was just simply being friendly. And many people are just friendly like that. But I do think he was flirting with you as well. He told you a tiny bit about himself (he had just moved to the city/neighborhood), he wanted to know about you and even felt comfortable enough to sing in front of you -a total stranger he just met. So there was some kinda of interest on his part. Knowing me, I would have acted the exact same way as you and take off. That's what I do and that's why I have only been on one date, yes 'numero uno' (which wasn't even great) -because every time I get approached by a guy I usually run away, I get awkward/shy like you and start thinking different things and flee. You could have asked him a bit about himself and just talk to him. And who knows where that could have led. You could have met a great new friend or possible more. Maybe you'll run into him again. I hope you do and if you do, tell him you didn't mean to run off like you did the other day and just talk to him. Ask him some things about himself. He said he just moved, so ask him how he's liking the new city/area, ask him what he does, little things like that to get the conversation going and see where that goes. I really shouldn't be advising you here considering my own pitiful and non-existent love life (*shakes head sadly*).
    Good luck.
     
  4. OP
    arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    Yeah, you're probably right. I get incredibly foolish around guys I don't know, and it probably was an overreaction. It's difficult for me to balance the two, and I do need more help with it. I admit it.

    *Nod.* It's hard to keep an eye on it though - it happens incredibly fast. Ni disappears right out the window and Fe takes control. Not a pretty picture - at ALL. Some of it's due to incidents that happened in my life, and part of it is just not having enough interactions with men, period. Lol. How some people feel about groups of Black Folk? I feel that way about all strange men, to one degree or another.

    You're right, though. I do need to work on that.


    Hee! Thanks - it's one of the Threadless.com t-shirt designs. It sort of felt like me when I saw it, so I added it. Funny enough, the design is named "Fail."
     
  5. OP
    arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    Lol! At least we're in the same boat, Quest. It really could be because of the lack of experience. And I'm older, so it reads even weirder on me.

    Meh, if I see him again I'll see 'im. And if anything is meant to come of it it'll eventually come together. That's just the way life works.
     
  6. Gaze

    Donor

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    tbh, you sound very much like me. I would probably respond the same way you did, because I tend to think I attract the wrong type of people sometimes. But as everyone else has said, it may have been an overreaction (but it is clearly understandable why you would feel this way, especially if you've had previous experiences with a few weird ones) but allow yourself a little freedom to enjoy the possibility that although we may feel like an awkward bunch, and there are those out there who may feel just as awkward if they're interested in us. I guess, when someone is nervous about approaching or speaking with someone, they may appear too eager or overly friendly. I tend to do it myself. I usually don't know how to approach someone if I like them. And when I allow fear to get the better of me, I do nothing. Not good. So, as they say, "Nothing tried, nothing gained." So, just take a deep breath, put aside the past (as much as you can) and look forward.
     
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    #6 Gaze, Sep 20, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2009
  7. OP
    arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    :D

    Thanks, Restraint :) You're right, and well...it could be that sometimes a banana is just a banana, and I'm making mountains from molehills.

    Funny thing is, I saw him in the neighborhood again today, at a grocery store, and he was being *just* as chatty to another lady with her kids. And just as intimate with the questions. So I guess it's just the way he is, go figure.
     
  8. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    You should therefore have sex with him.
     
  9. OP
    arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    Ni (and my stratospheric standards) would stop such a union. Beyonce and I share that one, ONE thing in common.
     
  10. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    arbygil, this sometimes happens to me too, and I just don't feel interested either and I usually see the guy in an unfavorable light also... due to my disinterest, I create an uncomfortable situation and I part company feeling like I was being a bitch... at least u were nice to him, lol. I understand tho, it's because maybe we are suspicious of people's intentions. Try not to worry too much tho :redface:
     
  11. OP
    arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    :hug:

    Thanks, Ria! I promise to not worry too much. Who knows? Maybe he's not an ex-con. :D
     
  12. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    He sounds like he is flamboyant. That is all I got out of the situation.
     
  13. OP
    arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    Heh. I bet you're right, Dragon. Or at the very least a really strong extrovert.
     
  14. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    My x husband used to be like that... it was soo embarassing for me when I was just standing right there... especially if we had the kids with us, I would just get these confused looks from the women! I was like; 'find a happy place'... inside my head, lol. Gawd!!!
     
  15. minkowski thermodynamics

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    What would constitute as creepy, stalker behavior? Unless you mean that you get a bad vibe from the person. But your vibe could be incorrect and based on something like an irrational aversion to a certain color.

    It seems like any guy who approached you with a bit of enthusiasm would come off as creepy and stalkerish. I don't know...
     
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  16. OP
    arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    For me, it's about my personal space and distance. I need distance and I don't like things getting too personal, too fast. I think in general introverts aren't liable to attack with a lot of personal questions and I don't think a lot of ENxx folk would either. Most folks look for verbal cues and they watch for peoples' discomfort. ESF folk, though, can miss verbal cues a lot, I've noticed. They want to know EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW and they don't always understand that not everyone is into self disclosure within the first five minutes of a conversation.

    I will agree, though, I'm pretty much an extreme introvert. I'm kind and I'm nice, but I will fiercely protect my boundaries and my personal space and I'm not at all comfortable with people who ignore this. Or folks who don't understand personal space or boundaries. It's not something I'll put up with - and I shouldn't have to.

    Will all men create this trigger in me? I don't think so. But my triggers do seem to be ESxx men and/or crazy stalker men who want to get information for the wrong reasons (guys who won't take "no" for an answer).
     
  17. minkowski thermodynamics

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    what are topics that would be considered safe, and non-personal ? I'm not asking because I want to be stalkerish ;)

    It's just that when you meet someone for the first time, there are a few questions that are considered ice breakers, or whatnot, and I'm not sure if from their perspective, they're just trying to be friendly in their way, while inside your brain is saying "perv alert !" "perv alert !"
     
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  18. OP
    arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    Well, safe things are not necessarily personal things. I'd be skeeved if a guy I didn't know sniffed my neck and said he loved my perfume. That's something for your "head voice."

    Things I consider "safe" would be said in a public place, with lots of people around. Say, a grocery store, when we're standing in line waiting. If a guy pointed at something in my cart and asked me, "have you tried that before?" And then we started talking about that item and how we both like it, yada yada yada...then that's safe talk. We connected over some neutral item, we shared similar interest in that item, and then maybe we talk enough that we get on a first name basis before my groceries are rung up. And if it still feels comfortable then he will ask me for my number, or he'll give me his. Then it's a "we'll see" situation.

    Another neutral area would be a place of worship, or a place of work - some place that we both go to and share interests in. It's not a creation of intimacy from nothing; it's commonality based on a shared experience that has the potential to grow into intimacy. I never trust anyone who tries to get too close too fast. It feels false to me and it feels like they want something from me. Like a crooked used car salesman.
     
  19. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    At least you didn't mace him and knee him in the groin; you didn't act on the quick conclusions about his suspected dastardly practices that you drew.

    If you felt creeped out, I'd heed that. Even if his words were kind, most of our communication is non-verbal. Maybe you picked something up.

    Calling him a rapist and a murderer in your own head is a tad extreme, but something about him warranted alarm instinctively... and I can understand exaggerating for emphasis on something as abstract as the alarm you felt..

    I almost responded to this earlier, but I wanted to see what else you'd say about it.


    Your last post is reasonable and not paranoid sounding. So, go with your instincts.
     
    #19 acd, Sep 22, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2009
  20. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    I know when I 'feel' a certain vibe from a guy who is being 'friendly' By 'friendly', I am reffering to what arbygil said about getting too personal too soon and the inability to read other people's body language about when their personal boundaries are being crossed. Boundaries are sacred to me, they define comfort zones and I view boundaries and comfort zones with respect. When boundaries r crossed and cause someone to feel uncomfortable, there is an experience of anger...

    Questions that I feel cross my boundaries with a loud and flamboyant (lol) stranger:

    How old I am
    Do I have children
    Where do I work
    What school do my kids go to and what grade
    Am I married or single
    Having my name sang out in a song (from the stranger)
    Hearing personal information about the stranger
    (I actually am literally not interested and don't care one bit)

    The boundary is there for me and others like me regarding this type of thing because it creates an awkward feeling inside me, and I don't want to feel awkward and uncomfortable. It makes for an awkward situation where I know the other person (stranger) may feel wierd and uncomfortable with my unfriendliness (to his standard), and it's there because I am not out looking for a hook up, which is sometimes what they r hoping for. I don't like to think I am making someone feel rejected. (well, lets be honest and say that with the vibe "I call it the creep factor", there is the putting it out there in a very blatent way), that he is interested in me, but that doesnt mean that I am going to return the feeling, especially not when the guy presents himself that way...
    The vibe would go a bit like this:

    hmmm, like how she looks, I'm in need of a good woman and she looks like a nice person, I wonder how she looks naked, (ahh yes, I see her in my mind), I am curious about her energy, there is something innocent about her, I am new in town, (ahem, not necessarily) lol, I want to sing her name, (ewww!) I'm trying to be charming, I think she likes me, I don't care is she doesnt yet, I'll get her to...

    among a few other things.

    Now I know this sounds parranoid, but it's honestly what I have managed to be able to pick up on with guys in the past, and I have made the mistake of not following my instincts before.

    Now if there is a quietness around a guy who I sense has depth to his persona, then I will be curious and perhaps find myself wondering hmmm... I wonder about him... I would feel better about him as someone who I would maybe get to know, if I could pick up his energy to discover if he is 'safe' or not. I can determine if he is a 'hider', or just genuinely gentle and worth trusting. I would need to watch him for a while, study him quietly and then if there was some shy eye contact from both of us, then maybe a few smiles and he came over to me and said a friendly 'hello', then I would feel warmer towards the whole interraction.

    Questions I am comfortable with from a stranger after we have had the silent exploration I mentioned above:

    Hi
    (smiles)
    some mutual looking around and random comments (on the neat color of a building or something)
    more smiles or chuckling over random building color
    some shy body language
    introductions
    (he) volunteers general info. such as being new in town and where he came from
    then if I want to, I can volunteer similar comments too etc.


    sounds boring? well I guess it's supposed to be boring because it's a stranger and because I am more interested in the non verbal conversation that takes place and the meanings behind the behavior rather than feeling stressed as to why is this guy interviewing me, why does he want to know this stuff!!! Why does he want to know me? Even a female acting the way that guy acted would make me feel like running too... ya, strangers singing my name? hah, lol... I'd just be like wtf...

    O arbygil, I guess my post sounds kinda rediculous, but I did actually get a laugh out of writing it... I figured this might make u laugh a bit too if u can possibly relate or identify with what I wrote for yrself too!
     
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