Do you wear a mask for the outside world? Different masks for interacting with different people?
- yes.
Do you consider yourself aware that you wear a mask? To what extent do you think you wear one; how different is it from your true self? When do you feel comfortable removing it?
- I'm not sure. I used to be fond of the idea that no one knows my "true self" because I may build up walls or barriers to protect the real self. But I am my self for better or worse
. I don't think I hide it anymore at least not from myself
. But I definitely keep some aspects more private. I disagree with those who say you are always your true self. We don't always have the luxury of showing how you are or truly feel because of social norms, expectations, customs, and civility. I think the thing that's most misunderstood are my motives. They see actions and then misunderstand why these actions are being taken. But that could be said for many people so I'm not unique in that respect in any case. But I've had too many experiences of people who just don't want to see certain aspects so you keep those parts hidden. They don't want to deal with reality, just the facade. So, you give them that. whereas for me, I want people who are real with me even if I don't share that much with them. I like people who allow me to be quiet and not feel as if something is wrong because I'm not expressive or always happy or smiling. Those people annoy me. It's like those people who think you should be friendly or comfortable relating with everyone. That's not me. Always depends on the person. I don't want to have to feel that letting my guard down involves compromising myself or being vulnerable. Not the same thing. You can share things about yourself and still not feel vulnerable to anyone. Another lesson I learned.
What is your mask like?
- I can be quite intense and rarely does anyone want to see that - they don't expect that. They see me as calm, reserved, nice, etc. But that ain't me when I'm around friends or family. That's just the face I show at work or publicly because that's the demeanor they need to see or feel comfortable with. I used to think I was transparent, and to some people I am, but to others, they see complications or simply put, people see what they want to see. My point is, sometimes these masks are not created by us but by those who perceive us to be a certain way. Sometimes, it's self fulfilling prophecy. Someone sees you in a particular way, you believe it's true, you internalize, and act out those perceptions in the way you see yourself, how you behave, or what you say or think.
Are you sure of who you are underneath it?
- I know who I am but it's not meant to be a mystery. I was too caught up on this idea of mystery once upon a time. I don't think everyone's a mystery. Many who are mystery to others for me are transparent. While some who seem to be exactly as they are, may be a mystery to me. I've had more than 30+ years to know myself well enough. I've even found a sense of certainty in it that I never had before. But it's not something outstanding or unusual or complicated. You just tend to become more aware of yourself as you get older. New situations reveal things about you to yourself and you grow from there. There's no big secret that needs to be discovered.
Are these really masks or do you consider every mask we have as just different parts of who we truly are?
-There are various faces we put on for various situations and different reasons depending on what's appropriate or acceptable. There are some parts of me people will never see because they are not appropriate for social or public use. So, of course you show those aspects which may be more accessible or easier to process for others than give them the whole enchilada at once. I also found that people were scared off when I showed them too much too soon and too intensely. So, I held back, and started using a more appealing persona. On the other hand, this also teaches you to feel negatively about who you are and hide it because there's always this fear you're going to give a bad impression or overwhelm someone with the other more intense aspects of the self. This is probably why some including myself are not going to share too many things unless you know someone is willing to accept the whole self. But for many, It's probably the same, you reserve some aspects of the self only for family, friends, or SOs. But one personal lesson I've learned is that it's NOT appropriate to make everything you feel or think public. It's rarely a good idea. Some things should remain private. There was a time when I'd tell everyone everything about myself and it was a bust. So, I learned some difficult and important lessons about sharing personal things with others especially in public or social situations. I never understood those kinds of boundaries but I definitely do now.
Do you wear a mask that prevents you from seeing yourself, or to prevent you from seeing yourself?
-Yes. When people impose expectations for how you act or behave or present yourself socially or publicly, it can mask who you are and cause you to believe you are the mask or face you present rather than someone who exists separately from these masks. This happens even with family.
And another reality is, no matter what persona you present, people will interpret your actions or persona based on their own cultural, social or personal schemas. You will never be more than a certain type or kind of person to them because that's the only way they know how to process you based on what they know of people in their world or environment. They may perceive you as A, B, or C even if you are the opposite because they don't have the words or categories to classify something that doesn't easily fit so they simply shove it a familiar box and label it A, B, or C. Sometimes, people are not interested in letting go of their feelings or beliefs about who someone is even if that person shows a different self than they thought. They'd rather see it as an anomaly than a true self. As a result, you show people what they expect or want to see, because it's easier than showing how you really think or feel and have people misunderstand. For example, some think I'm too serious that I don't really laugh or can't have fun or they think I'm boring. Many used to think I need to lighten up and I have. But my idea of fun and interesting is not their idea of fun and interesting. They believe there's is superior which is their right.
You can't please or be the same person with everyone.
