Opportunities missed in love

blueflame

blueflame

Regular Poster
MBTI
INFJ
We talk alot about not being able to find the right person/ trusting issues, but what about finding the perfect person, perfect in everyway, but not knowing what to do, and locking away yourself more than with a person that is threatening. It makes me uncomfortable to get close to them even though I want to be close to them. Maybe it is fear of making that first move. What makes it worse is I think that person is waiting for me to do so, just not saying it.
 
If that's how you feel and that's what you're worried about, you may have to step out of your comfort zone and make the first move. At least if you do that, you'll know that you took a chance and were able to find out the other person's feelings.. instead of agonizing for years over whether you let 'the right one' get away.

I had a similiar situation happen to me. I regularly would run into this guy at my work. I had a crazy reaction to him. I couldn't stop grinning and it felt like I was being electrocuted whenever I would see him. (Cheesy I know, but I NEVER respond like that to men, no matter how attractive.)

Anyway, after months of agonizing over what to do, I struck up a conversation with him and stealthfully asked if he was involved. Turns out he was engaged. I was a little disappointed, but I was mostly glad that I had my answer and didn't have to worry about missing out on something great had I not made a move.

I think it's better to be rejected than to go on living with the unknown.
 
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This is a quick, short response, but I assure you that there is a personal, long Greek tragedy behind it:

Be very careful with idealizing a potential partner. The higher you set them up, the greater the height from which to fall.
 
That was lovely, poeticinfp.
Yes. I agree. Try to be as realistic as you can about said person.
 
I would have this problem, but fortunately I am extremely impatient which usually results in me making a move to further the relationship.
 
Eniko said:
I would have this problem, but fortunately I am extremely impatient which usually results in me making a move to further the relationship.
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yes, i think i too am quite direct in that sense. usually, it doesn't result from impatience but rather a sense of certainty that compels me. others find this side of me bold and do not understand where my decision came from. i would say that there is a line to be crossed regarding my attraction for someone and i can't easily explain how it is crossed even though it is clear to me when it happens. once it is crossed, the attraction turns from interest to engagement.
 
I guess I haven't experienced it where I was too afraid to make a move but more of it's the experience I'm about to describe repeating continuously.

I met a girl a few semesters ago. She was great, everything she did I was in love with. She was funny, witty, popular but because of her kindness (not popular in a bitchy way), extremely intelligent, and very open and honest with me. We hung out all the time, started study together and eating dinner together a few nights a week. We'd then end up talking about all sorts of things until early in the morning.

Then one day she said "my boyfriend is coming to town, I'd like you to meet him"
 
I used to be really afraid of making the first move. In fact, I was so afraid that I completely missed what would have been a clear shot because I was so confused and intimidated. I'm friends with that girl to this day but I can't help but ponder what I lost. That was such a painful situation for me that I am almost allergic to NOT making the first move. Like others, getting rejected brings far more peace of mind than not making the move and wondering what could have happened as a result.
 
minority funk said:
Then one day she said "my boyfriend is coming to town, I'd like you to meet him"
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I met a girl who seemed really friendly in my history class this past semester. She started conversation with me one day after she sat next to me, and she went a little out of her way to talk with me after class.

In retrospect, what happened was probably my fault, but I basically asked her for her number (so we could "study sometime"), called her the next weekend, and she said "I'm busy but I'd love to next weekend!"

So I didn't ask her that weekend but the next I asked her in person after class on friday. Still busy. This happened a few more times; it would always be "this weekend," but it never happened.

Right before Spring break, I told her that if she didn't want to hang out then it's fine but she just needs to tell me if that's the case. She seemed pretty flustered and just kept saying "no I've just been really busy!"

The next time I saw her was about a week after Spring break. I asked her how it was and she casually mentioned going to see her boyfriend's parents. She never mentioned a boyfriend and her facebook didn't say anything about it, either.

So she was either considering me over her boyfriend (at first) or she just likes to lead guys on. Either way, I don't really care. I would've been cool with being her friend anyway but she seemed really shy. I actually wouldn't be surprised if she is INFJ.

This is what I get for (doing an admittedly bad job of) asking a girl out.

I have a few more stories like this but they're all really long-winded. Hopefully the girl at the grocery store is cooler... it'll just be awhile before I can ask her out. :cool:
 
Hit and run compliments are my big risk taking moments. That way they know I think highly of them, but have no pressure to respond.

For all my analysis and over-thinking, I can be a crazy risk-taker. I think through every possible scenario, vote for the one "most likely to succeed", and then close my eyes and jump.
 
minority funk said:
I guess I haven't experienced it where I was too afraid to make a move but more of it's the experience I'm about to describe repeating continuously.

I met a girl a few semesters ago. She was great, everything she did I was in love with. She was funny, witty, popular but because of her kindness (not popular in a bitchy way), extremely intelligent, and very open and honest with me. We hung out all the time, started study together and eating dinner together a few nights a week. We'd then end up talking about all sorts of things until early in the morning.

Then one day she said "my boyfriend is coming to town, I'd like you to meet him"
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Oh my. This was the story of my life in college.

One time, the girl turned out to be married. Married ! After spending a long time together, she just casually mentioned "oh by the way, my husband..." one day. Since we were both college freshmen, you could imagine the shock mixed in with the pain I felt.

I have later learned a few reasons why this happens:

1. It's partly our fault for letting our feelings blind us to the oh so subtle signals that the girl in question might (or might not) give out to indicate that she's already in a relationship.


2. As the poster above said, she was probably comparing you to her boyfriend and was leading you on because she was considering you as a new choice. However, she eventually made the choice that she would keep him as a bf, and you as just a friend.


3. There are women who think it's perfectly harmless to flirt if they're in a relationship. To these women, flirting is just a way to give themselves a confidence injection in the arm every now and then.

I definitely understand how this experience would cause you to be more hesitant about approaching someone in the future. This kind of thing is much much worse than flat out rejection in my opinion.
 
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J. Cardigan said:
In retrospect, what happened was probably my fault, but I basically asked her for her number (so we could "study sometime"), called her the next weekend, and she said "I'm busy but I'd love to next weekend!"

So I didn't ask her that weekend but the next I asked her in person after class on friday. Still busy. This happened a few more times; it would always be "this weekend," but it never happened.

Right before Spring break, I told her that if she didn't want to hang out then it's fine but she just needs to tell me if that's the case. She seemed pretty flustered and just kept saying "no I've just been really busy!"
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that has happened to me. it is so unsettling being led on that way. i would rather the person give me a direct answer than beat around the bush using 'busy' as an excuse. it is worse when the situation gives enough leeway for you to think she really is busy, because considering all facts she could be (or you're inclined to have the benefit of doubt).
 
Julia said:
Hit and run compliments are my big risk taking moments. That way they know I think highly of them, but have no pressure to respond.

For all my analysis and over-thinking, I can be a crazy risk-taker. I think through every possible scenario, vote for the one "most likely to succeed", and then close my eyes and jump.
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Ha, this sounds exactly like me! I guess we're recklessly informed or something? :tongue:
 
I find myself having to do that very same thing "close my eyes and jump" despite how much I think things through.
 
I just don't let the bad get me down. If we've all found so many different people we're interested in, chances are we will meet more and maybe one of them will actually be on the same page. Until then we're all just paying our dues
 
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