[INFJ] Opening up, too much?

TheFool

TheFool

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
You know when you meet someone new and instantly feel that you have known the person a longer time? It is easy to talk and be with them so you open up yourself by being honest.

Have happened few times to me. And over 90% of the times I get the feeling that the person I have met does not feel the same way about me. Like the other person activates some kind of a defense mechanism when I am just being open..

I can’t really put a word on the thing. First you are happy to finally meet someone like yourself but then it seems that the person is somehow a bit afraid of you opening up. Makes me to “close up” and become even more careful with people when it happens. Fucks up my self-esteem about being able to recognize same kindred people. Just a shame since there is so much stuff I would like to share and talk about with people who actually understand what I am saying. :sweatsmile:
 
TheFool said:
You know when you meet someone new and instantly feel that you have known the person a longer time? It is easy to talk and be with them so you open up yourself by being honest.

Have happened few times to me. And over 90% of the times I get the feeling that the person I have met does not feel the same way about me. Like the other person activates some kind of a defense mechanism when I am just being open..

I can’t really put a word on the thing. First you are happy to finally meet someone like yourself but then it seems that the person is somehow a bit afraid of you opening up. Makes me to “close up” and become even more careful with people when it happens. Fucks up my self-esteem about being able to recognize same kindred people. Just a shame since there is so much stuff I would like to share and talk about with people who actually understand what I am saying. :sweatsmile:
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I notice that you're an enneagram 1 like me. I have a bit of a tendency to overshare, too, and it comes from a weird mix of a few factors:

- False/real sense of being comfortable in who I am
- Needing to be 'honest'
- Wanting to show the person that I trust them
- Unconsciously testing their reaction to my less than attractive features
 
I'll do that when I run across another INFJ. . believing that they have similar notions about things that I do, overshare, and then get broadsided in finding out they do not.
 
I would look into the behavioral theory of matchers, givers and takers: https://www.lemonade.com/blog/psychology-givers-takers-matchers-2/

As someone who was socially isolated for a long time it was difficult for me to understand how to strengthen relationships and deepen them.

It can be very tempting to be vulnerable early on, but for many people that's a warning sign of a lack of emotional regulation and instability.

What I've found is the healthiest approach is to try to be a matcher.

If you are trying to strengthen a friendship you have to take a risk and be vulnerable- but do something small first and see how the person responds.

If they match you, they will be vulnerable back. Maybe not in that same interaction, but you being vulnerable should inspire them to also be vulnerable with you.

If you try to deepen a relationship and are not matched,

DO NOT CONTINUE TO TRY TO DEEPEN THE RELATIONSHIP

you might want to wait a while to see if they open up, and you wait long enough you might be able to try again, but understand that people are uncomfortable when someone gives more in a relationship and likewise when someone gives too little. It is about striking a balance of how much each of you can tolerate.
 
QUOTE="Deleted member 16771, post: 1237222, member: 16771"]I notice that you're an enneagram 1 like me. I have a bit of a tendency to overshare, too, and it comes from a weird mix of a few factors:

- False/real sense of being comfortable in who I am
- Needing to be 'honest'
- Wanting to show the person that I trust them
- Unconsciously testing their reaction to my less than attractive features[/QUOTE]


So what have you learned from it? Do you take baby steps when you meet someone and constantly check out yourself?

I am not sure if I can relate any of the factors you mentioned. It is more about the sense of joy when you “finally” meet someone you can relate with. That feeling so rare for me so I guess I don’t have the skills to use it wisely.

I don’t mean I start raving and go bananas when a meet-up happens. I am very aware about myself and hold back a lot. Now as I think about it, those 10% that I have become very good friend with have all assured that it is all fine for me to say what I feel. It is an amazing feeling to be understood and not seen as a weirdo.

I guess I already know if I can be myself with the person. It is just that I get caught up with some ideal vision what that friendship could be instead of accepting the barriers that obviously are there already from the beginning. :smile:
 
TheFool said:
I guess I already know if I can be myself with the person. It is just that I get caught up with some ideal vision what that friendship could be instead of accepting the barriers that obviously are there already from the beginning. :smile:
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Mindfulness would be helpful to fix this tendency. Need to fix the mindset to stay in the present moment.
 
I have a person right now I am trying to get to know, and having very little luck. They initially reached out and wanted "to talk". .even sent me a phone number. . so I sent a text. . nothing. .sent another. . nothing. . sent a message on line. .no much. . sent some art, and they hated that, so I sent a song, that got a reaction. then shared a photograph I liked. . got a response. but man, it's like pulling teeth. I don't know if i should call, or just give up. . oh sent another text, nothing. .
 
Aneirin said:
I have a person right now I am trying to get to know, and having very little luck. They initially reached out and wanted "to talk". .even sent me a phone number. . so I sent a text. . nothing. .sent another. . nothing. . sent a message on line. .no much. . sent some art, and they hated that, so I sent a song, that got a reaction. then shared a photograph I liked. . got a response. but man, it's like pulling teeth. I don't know if i should call, or just give up. . oh sent another text, nothing. .
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I would ask yourself...

Why are you willing to invest so much of your own precious time and energy when you are not getting a return?
 
I am being mindful of it all the time. It has been really insightful trip to start noticing how much I actually fantasize about ordinary things.. And this applies on every aspect of my life! Nowadays it is far less dreaming and more seeing things as they are. But I still like my pink colored glasses though. ;)

Then thing is a bit like Aneirin wrote. As an INFJ I am quick to reply when someone reaches out for me. But very often when I reach out for them, It can take days before I get a reply. That seems so weird to me.. Like I thought we were having a mutual sharing of things and then suddenly it stops. You feel like they the ones who are inviting you but then they are not. Very confusing.
 
Getting to know a person is a dance or sparring session. If you assume you know their moves, it'll be boring and you'll injure your partner more often by overthinking.
In friendship and in love, flow is key. Anticipate their moves, but remain relaxed, have excitement for surprise maneuvers and enjoy the progression.
 
TheFool said:
I am being mindful of it all the time. It has been really insightful trip to start noticing how much I actually fantasize about ordinary things.. And this applies on every aspect of my life! Nowadays it is far less dreaming and more seeing things as they are. But I still like my pink colored glasses though. ;)

Then thing is a bit like Aneirin wrote. As an INFJ I am quick to reply when someone reaches out for me. But very often when I reach out for them, It can take days before I get a reply. That seems so weird to me.. Like I thought we were having a mutual sharing of things and then suddenly it stops. You feel like they the ones who are inviting you but then they are not. Very confusing.
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I would also consider the possibility that slow responses do not indicate lack of interest. Many people live busy lives.

My best friend sometimes takes 3 days to reply to a single text. She works full time and goes to school and is very busy. I sometimes take my time to reply to something because I don't know what to say or am socially exhausted. You can't know the reasons why others behave the way they do and to think it's a rejection of you so quickly is low self worth talking. Also- if you are that fixated on a single social interaction, in my experience, you probably have too much free time.

Pick up a hobby. Invest your time in yourself more.
 
TheFool said:
So what have you learned from it?
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TheFool said:
Do you take baby steps when you meet someone and constantly check out yourself?
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Well, I should preface the things I'm going to say with a caveat, and that is that I haven't completely worked myself out here when it comes to this, so my input should be taken as highly provisional.

The thing with me is that I don't really 'try' to connect with people, and if I make an effort to strengthen a bond it's usually a very deliberate and strategic thing. It's not that I want to make the bond stronger because I 'need' or 'want' it/them, but rather that I feel that the bond should be strengthened, and it makes me feel good to be tight with key people.

My peopling needs are very very limited, and I'm pretty sure this is true for most INTJs. I'm not antisocial, and I like to socialise occasionally, but I don't crave any intimacy or attention from those people. Rather, I prefer my 'intimacy' to be with a single person and personally I can't divorce that from the idea of an SO. For instance, I'm not really a hugger - I find it a bit awkward, and I'm awkward at it - but with an SO I'm a complete snuggle monster; it's one of my favourite things.

That's not to say that I'm closed off from people, just that outside of that intimate circle I don't 'care', and so for me I think my oversharing effects a mental separation between myself and the person I'm sharing with. It's like I'm happy to put the totality of myself out there because I don't care how people respond to it particularly. It's the opposite of sharing to build connection.

Having said all that, I do appreciate connection, but I don't really 'do' anything to try to get it, nor miss it when it isn't there. As I said, all of this is provisional.
 
I understand that people have their own lives and things going on. I am a busy guy too running my company and taking care of my kids. :)

My initial wondering was if an INFJ can be perceived as “too open” by others who don’t actually understand the place where we communicate from. Or it does not necessary need to be a INFJ thing. It is more about expressing yourself as you are instead of managing the myriad versions of different kinds of social and personal masks that we are programmed to wear in order to not “come out too hard”. Like if someone asks you “How are you doing?”, the person is not expecting you to actually tell him / her what is truly going on but prefer you to follow that accepted script by saying, “I am fine. How are you?”

This is where I am struggling. I find the way most of people interact with each other more and more fruitless. I am absolutely not an anti-social person. But i prefer to socialize in a meaningful way where we actually share something true which each other. I don’t mean I am expecting to bleed when I am having a conversation. I just want to talk something that is real.

By common sense my opening up is not too much in any way. I am not showing any wounds or strong emotions. I am just saying real things. But I guess being “real” is not what people nowadays expect when it comes to social interactions.

Sorry for the rant.. Haven’t been on this board for awhile so I guess I opening up a bit too much, again. :tearsofjoy:
 

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TheFool said:
I understand that people have their own lives and things going on. I am a busy guy too running my company and taking care of my kids. :)

My initial wondering was if an INFJ can be perceived as “too open” by others who don’t actually understand the place where we communicate from. Or it does not necessary need to be a INFJ thing. It is more about expressing yourself as you are instead of managing the myriad versions of different kinds of social and personal masks that we are programmed to wear in order to not “come out too hard”. Like if someone asks you “How are you doing?”, the person is not expecting you to actually tell him / her what is truly going on but prefer you to follow that accepted script by saying, “I am fine. How are you?”

This is where I am struggling. I find the way most of people interact with each other more and more fruitless. I am absolutely not an anti-social person. But i prefer to socialize in a meaningful way where we actually share something true which each other. I don’t mean I am expecting to bleed when I am having a conversation. I just want to talk something that is real.

By common sense my opening up is not too much in any way. I am not showing any wounds or strong emotions. I am just saying real things. But I guess being “real” is not what people nowadays expect when it comes to social interactions.

Sorry for the rant.. Haven’t been on this board for awhile so I guess I opening up a bit too much, again. :tearsofjoy:
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not at all brother. . this is the place for it. . trust me
 
Wyote said:
Getting to know a person is a dance or sparring session. If you assume you know their moves, it'll be boring and you'll injure your partner more often by overthinking.
In friendship and in love, flow is key. Anticipate their moves, but remain relaxed, have excitement for surprise maneuvers and enjoy the progression.
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Combat is about deception and dancing is focused on cooperation. They are similar but fundementally different.
 
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