Older INTP Dumped By Younger INFJ Girlfriend

[INTP02138]

So after a year and a half, I (and INTP) just got dumped by my INFJ girlfriend. This was her first relationship; while I've been through several. However it's difficult because I really thought we would be in it for the long run. Unfortunately, we were in a long distance relationship--but only 4 hours away. When we first meet, there was some awkwardness do to me being nearly 15 yrs older, and due to her never having a boyfriend before. We got along great, laughed, went out, and enjoyed each other's company. The problem comes when we are apart. I'm in school and work a fulltime job, while she works full-time. So she gets anxious about our relationship if we don't speak for a couple of days. Then she gets anxious about her future regarding her going back to grad school and about her career--which she keeps changing her mind about. Through it all I've always told her that she's going to be ok, and that there is nothing wrong with her changing her mind and not being sure what she wants to do with her life. However, I get told that I'm not being emotionally supportive and that she can't come to me to talk about her problem because I keep going on these tangents (which is true--I have ADHD and tend to lose focus and go on tangents). She doesn't like it when I say " You'll be alright" and she feels I'm not emotionally available.

I feel that I am being supportive by trying to make her feel normal and by accepting her as she is. She'll complain about something, and I'll try to be objective about what concerns her. However, she interprets that as not being emotionally supportive. I tend to go with the flow with her moods, but it seems like if I don't respond in a certain fashion that she deems as "supportive" then she flys off the handle, then she'll apologize, then I say "it's ok" and after a period of peace, we go through the same thing --which I'm fine with because I like as she is.

So she decided to break it off with me, saying we need to have time apart for a few months (she just starting seeing a therapist for her anxiety attacks, so I'm thinking this is really the therapist telling her to break up with me). All the efforts I put forth to try to help her she belittles by saying "I could have done that for myself, I just needed someone to talk to....and I can't come to you with my problems" and etc.

I guess I'm just going through shocked that she could just end the relationship just like that, even though she constantly tells me she loves and I say the same thing back; but now she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I would love to have her back so we can work through this-- I know there are things I could do better. But she not giving me a chance. It's like she don't trust what I'm saying and I don't half the time understand what she is saying; she's too darn emotional and anxious about everything; and I come across as being too analytical and unsupportive---but I do have strong caring emotions for her--they just not coming across as being supportive.

So ok INFJs do I cut my losses, move on and forget out her coming back; or do I wait for a while to see what happens?

Sincerely,
INTP missing his INFJ

 

[bronson_]

At the risk of sounding flippant, I'm going to say that you should try to not put so much stock in MBTI. Why resort to MBTI if you dated her, shouldn't you know her better than to reduce her to "INFJ?" How long did you date?

 

[invisible]

i think you did good. do something fun for yourself for a few months that doesn't involve dating or thinking about her and then see what happens.

 

[arbygil]

If you truly love her, then you can wait for her. She'd respect that. The other thing you need to realize, though, is the age difference: If she's not mature enough, she'll be all over the place until she is comfortable with herself. But when she gets to that place, she may find she's outgrown her younger interests (which could include you).

I think it's better for you to figure out what you want, rather than figuring out what she wants. If you want to pursue a relationship with her, then wait. If you're not willing to wait then tell her the truth and let her go. If you're meant to be together, it'll happen. If not, nothing you do will force the relationship to work.

 

[Radiantshadow]

If you truly love her, then you can wait for her. She'd respect that. The other thing you need to realize, though, is the age difference: If she's not mature enough, she'll be all over the place until she is comfortable with herself. But when she gets to that place, she may find she's outgrown her younger interests (which could include you).

I think it's better for you to figure out what you want, rather than figuring out what she wants. If you want to pursue a relationship with her, then wait. If you're not willing to wait then tell her the truth and let her go. If you're meant to be together, it'll happen. If not, nothing you do will force the relationship to work.

Seconded. The age gap is a significant thing to overcome - possible, of course, but a looming undercurrent nonetheless.

 

[INTP02138]

She is worth waiting for. I mean she drives me nuts with her constant need for validation and not being able to make up her mind about things. But I still think she's awesome--there's nothing so bad that I can't accept about her. It's just hard when she doesn't trust what I say. I tell her she looks beautiful, she says she doesn't feel attractive because of a few pimples and that she has bad skin---I never really noticed or paid any attention to it until she brings it up. In my mind, I'm asking "If I didn't find you attractive why would I even bother approaching you in the first place."

The things is, I do eventually see things her way regrading how I respond to things-- like I said before, I have many areas of improvement ( which seems to be my obsession- constantly looking for ways to improve things). For example, she complains that I listen to everyone else when they have problems, and that I've supportive of them--which seems to be true because people just open up to me, tell me their problems, and tell me how much of a good listener I am. This week I went for an informational interview regarding medical school; and the person just opened up and told be she's going through a divorce. This morning a friend told me I need to be a therapist (another told me I need to go into psychiatry). But my ex-gf doesn't think I'm that way with her, and that I don't take her anxiety problems seriously. It's like I'm Mr. Spock and She is Lt. Uhura:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEZ9zyVhNTM

But the truth is, I care very much about her problems, I'm just never really sure how to respond to them-- I tend to need time and space to think things over when it comes to her, but she needs immediate validation. But I can see how me being reserved or trying to lighten the conversation can be interpreted as being insensitive-- and there are other little stupid things I do or say that makes the situation worse.

Anyway, yesterday I deleted her from my phone contacts so that I wont be tempted to text or call her-- I figure when ( if ever) she is ready to communicate with me then she'll contact me. Today I'm deleting her email address, and removing her from google chat. I feel I need to remove anything that reminds me of her, because even though I think she darrn near being bipolar, I do still love her and wouldn't want to be with anyone else. I just need to prepare my self for the eventually that we may never be together again--that's a difficult concept for me, but I need to find ways to get over her and move on - -although I'm really hoping she'll come back.

 

[arbygil]

She is worth waiting for. I mean she drives me nuts with her constant need for validation and not being able to make up her mind about things. But I still think she's awesome--there's nothing so bad that I can't accept about her. It's just hard when she doesn't trust what I say. I tell her she looks beautiful, she says she doesn't feel attractive because of a few pimples and that she has bad skin---I never really noticed or paid any attention to it until she brings it up. In my mind, I'm asking "If I didn't find you attractive why would I even bother approaching you in the first place."

The things is, I do eventually see things her way regrading how I respond to things-- like I said before, I have many areas of improvement ( which seems to be my obsession- constantly looking for ways to improve things). For example, she complains that I listen to everyone else when they have problems, and that I've supportive of them--which seems to be true because people just open up to me, tell me their problems, and tell me how much of a good listener I am. This week I went for an informational interview regarding medical school; and the person just opened up and told be she's going through a divorce. This morning a friend told me I need to be a therapist (another told me I need to go into psychiatry). But my ex-gf doesn't think I'm that way with her, and that I don't take her anxiety problems seriously. It's like I'm Mr. Spock and She is Lt. Uhura:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEZ9zyVhNTM

But the truth is, I care very much about her problems, I'm just never really sure how to respond to them-- I tend to need time and space to think things over when it comes to her, but she needs immediate validation. But I can see how me being reserved or trying to lighten the conversation can be interpreted as being insensitive-- and there are other little stupid things I do or say that makes the situation worse.

Anyway, yesterday I deleted her from my phone contacts so that I wont be tempted to text or call her-- I figure when ( if ever) she is ready to communicate with me then she'll contact me. Today I'm deleting her email address, and removing her from google chat. I feel I need to remove anything that reminds me of her, because even though I think she darrn near being bipolar, I do still love her and wouldn't want to be with anyone else. I just need to prepare my self for the eventually that we may never be together again--that's a difficult concept for me, but I need to find ways to get over her and move on - -although I'm really hoping she'll come back.

All that you just wrote--? She needs to hear it (in your way, of course). Let her know your heart, that you do love her and care about her, and that you feel she's worth waiting for...so you're going to wait until the situation changes. Just remember to tell her that if the situation does change, that she should tell you (and that you should tell her if your heart changes for her).

 

[INTP02138]

You're right. I've tried explaining it over the phone when we get into our arguments-- but perhaps nothing is really heard when two people argue ( we tend to just listen to or concern ourselves with the thing that bothers us most, and not what bothers the other person). Perhaps, I'll send her an email later on-- her birthday is in 2 months, perhaps then the timing might be better (but I honestly don't know)--right now she doesn't want to hear from me (I'm sure of that). But like you said, "If you're meant to be together, it'll happen."--the strange thing is that she said the same thing as she broke up with me...for an INTP like me ( or anyone else I guess) it's like purgatory *sigh*.

 

[INTP02138]

*Sigh* I must have gain 10 pounds since we broke up last week LOL--trying to fill a void with Chinese food, Domino's PIzza, soft drinks, and junk food is just not working for me---another reason I need to get over her.

 

[yepunsarang]

It sounds like you sincerely tried what you could, that you do love her, and that deep inside, the route you want to take is to try and reconcile things with her, to make things better. One thing I realized about INTPs is that in relationships, they tend to act supportively in the mindset

 

[Bird]

I think going out and developing a hobby is a good idea.
It'll give you something to focus on and another area of
your life to tend to and grow. Dedicate yourself to something
stable and safe such as chess or pool or pottery. Just
anything. After time you'll find that you've moved on just
by distracting yourself and allowing yourself to heal internally.
Going out and joining activities will also give you the opportunity
to meet new people however this also provides an excuse to
avoid much interaction if you so desire.

 

[Norton]

If it's meant to be, it'll work out. If not, I always say it's better to get divorced before marriage. I'm an INTP married to an INFJ for 35 years. We're close in age, so we've never had that issue. However, as an INTP who was initially clueless (I still am, somewhat) it took me some time to learn how to support my wife emotionally but she was patient, taught me well, and we've been very lucky. One mistake INTP's (or, at least, from my personal experience) make is that when someone has a problem or is upset, we try to use logic to make things better and explain away feelings. Validation of feelings and empathy work much better and are more appreciated. Learning how to be more empathetic not only helps the partner, but also, the INTP, who becomes more in touch with feelings and expands his or her repertoire of behaviors. The INTP's task is to learn the "logic" of emotion.

 

[INTP02138]

and be willing to just listen to her (without making analytical statements about what she should do, what she did wrong, etc).

And that's where I screw up the most...ugggggh...if I have an issue with some one or something, she goes all out emotionally supportive in my favor. But when she has an issue with some one or something, I go into Mr. Spock mode. Then I feel guilty later because I know I'm being a sucky boyfriend. So at this point she just fed up with me--she has other bigger issues, but if she doesn't feel like I'm being emotionally supportive then from her point of view she doesn't need me in her life--and I get that, it makes total sense.

But when the chance present it'self, I'm going to talk with her and try to work it out and explain things in a more loving way. I do need to "act in a way that will make her feel supported." But she has to accept that I'm sincerely trying. I feel like our problems are fixable, I just hope that one day we can find common ground again and communicate better with each other. I also hope she would have cooled down in 2 months when her birthday comes---but I fear that by that time she will have cooled off (or gotten cold) so much so that she doesn't wont to hear from me then then.

 

[INTP02138]

However, as an INTP who was initially clueless (I still am, somewhat) ... The INTP's task is to learn the "logic" of emotion.

Yeap, that's me a lot of the time "clueless" If I'm in school, I just assumed she understand if I didn't call much. I have to stop thinking that she thinks like me. The "logic" of emotion is a big lesson I'm trying to grasp.

 

[INTP02138]

After time you'll find that you've moved on just
by distracting yourself and allowing yourself to heal internally.

It's funny that you should mention distraction. The first DVD we watched together was Love Guru with Mike Myers. The philosophy of healing was D. R. A. M. A. which stood for distraction, regression, adjustment, maturity and action. LOL, I really do need a good distraction; I'm going out tonight, and I'm starting a post-bac program in a couple of weeks--so hopefully that will help occupy my time.

 

[INTP02138]

Well, I'm out at an social event...and haven't socialized at all...this is going to tougher than I thought.

 

[Sriracha]

Her therapist wouldn't tell her to dump you unless he/she was trying to get in her pants. Therapists do not solve the problems of the client, but try to help them to identify the problems themselves. They realize that unless the client sees that there IS a problem, something can be done about it.

There will ALWAYS be an element of misunderstanding with an INFJ. We don't open up entirely, and we are quick to slam our doors when we feel too vulnerable. Trust takes a long time to develop inter-personally. No one will ever be able to fully understand what is going on in her head, but her. She will need to realize that at some point, and stop projecting her anger on to you b/c she cannot be satisfied.

 

[yepunsarang]

I only hope that both of you are mature enough, and love each other enough to listen to each other and also confess how you are both willing to work at it (even through pains) to try and make it easy for both of you. Maybe if you want her back, you should do something gushy or lovey-dovey hehe I dunno, something sentimental. INFJs love gushy, but genuine, deep, heartfelt things. Think you can invest your energy into delving into your emotions (knowing how hard that is for INTPs) to try and express how much you LOVE HER in a little package? And also explain to her that you see that both of your needs are not being met (or ways of support are different). But that you recognize it now and that you think if you worked it out together, all will be well?

I have faith INTP-INFJ relationships can be great ones. But like all relationships, you need to work at it. Especially since INFJs are very emotional creatures and need that emotive comfort to feel whole, loved, and supported. It is a NEED. Most INFJ-INTP breakups result from this in ability to see this key point. But once you're willing to work on yourselves, I believe you can have a great relationship.

And that's where I screw up the most...ugggggh...if I have an issue with some one or something, she goes all out emotionally supportive in my favor. But when she has an issue with some one or something, I go into Mr. Spock mode. Then I feel guilty later because I know I'm being a sucky boyfriend. So at this point she just fed up with me--she has other bigger issues, but if she doesn't feel like I'm being emotionally supportive then from her point of view she doesn't need me in her life--and I get that, it makes total sense.

But when the chance present it'self, I'm going to talk with her and try to work it out and explain things in a more loving way. I do need to "act in a way that will make her feel supported." But she has to accept that I'm sincerely trying. I feel like our problems are fixable, I just hope that one day we can find common ground again and communicate better with each other. I also hope she would have cooled down in 2 months when her birthday comes---but I fear that by that time she will have cooled off (or gotten cold) so much so that she doesn't wont to hear from me then then.

 

[INTP02138]

Think you can invest your energy into delving into your emotions (knowing how hard that is for INTPs) to try and express how much you LOVE HER in a little package?

Sure I do. But do you think I should wait awhile until she's in a better mood or is it best to do something now to get her in a better mood. My gut is telling me to give her space because she probably doesn't want to hear from me; but my heart is telling me to do something to let her know how I feel and that we can work this through.

 

[yepunsarang]

It all really depends on what "stage" you think your INFJ is. If you think she is going completely biserk and will not listen to anyone or you for that matter, even if you may love each other, I think you should take a break. But if you feel like she is just upset, and waiting for a change, and she is all "cold", you should reach out to her. In all reality, infjs crave and fantasize about moments like these where those they love come to them and confess their undying love lol.

If you feel like you're very sensitive to situations and your intuition is great, I'd say listen to it. But know that once INFJs shut the door once, if they are very very hurt, it's very difficult (will even even more difficult than now) to reopen it.

**Keep in mind that if you attempt to show her your feelings, you need to talk in HER emotive language. You can't do things the way you used to in the old times. Do it different, in a way that she cannot resist through her Fe.**

Good luck, let us know how it goes!