New Girlfriend is Friends with her Ex?!

RunDeep

RunDeep

Regular Poster
MBTI
INFP
Some of you may remember I posted a thread about the girl I liked named Emily. Well, we have been on several dates so far and she is amazing! I asked her to be official a few days ago and she said yes. I feel like we have a great connection and I'm more comfortable with her than many people I've known for a long time.

Anyway, everything is going great. There's only one problem. She's still friends (and pretty good friends, might I add) with her ex-boyfriend! I notice them interacting on facebook and twitter and he's always liking all her statuses/pictures and commenting on them. They also follow eachother on some social app (forgot the name) and he saves all her stuff, and made a "private corner" for the two of them to share funny pics with. But the real humdinger is-- Last time Emily and I were at my place chilling and watching tv, she gets a text and I notice it's from the ex-boyfriend! She didn't answer it or anything (I'm assuming she did after I left though), and it kinda put me in a bad mood but I tried not to show it. I don't think she could tell and I tried to not let it ruin the night.

I called her the next morning and finally asked her what was going on with the ex-boyfriend. She said that they broke up about 5 months ago and were still good friends. She said that her ex still "needed" her in his life and because she cared about him, she agreed to remain friends. She says she has no romantic feelings anymore. It's not that I don't trust Emily, I really do. She's a very honest girl and I trust her. I just think it's extremely innapropriate to keep giving him attention now that she has a new boyfriend. I have no idea if they hang out alone, get lunch, etc. but I should have asked her that. She said he knows that she has a new boyfriend now, and maybe I'm seeing things but it seems like he's been acting more buddy-buddyish with her lately, possibly trying to shove it in my face? It's just annoying.

I have never kept exes in my life because no girl I have ever dated was comfortable with that. It's my understanding that staying friends with exes is a big no-no, especially when you enter into a new relationship. My thinking is, you can trust your significant other to the ends of the earth but at the end of the day, it's all about respect. Having your ex in the picture (who you probably loved and had sex with) is not respectful. I'm not insecure at all, and I'm not jealous of Emily's ex. I just don't want to be reminded of other people she's slept with, kissed, etc. every single time i go onto social media because he's always there in my face. It's just disrespectful. Like, would she invite him to our freaking wedding if we got married someday?

Sorry this post has been so long. I guess I need advice. Am I crazy or is it normal that I expect her to not be friends with her ex? I'm planning on talking to her and telling her I'm not comfortable with her being friends with her ex, but i don't want to come across as jealous, insecure, controlling, etc. because that's not the case. I would never want to try and control her. Advice on how to deal with this?
 
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Simplifying this. Don't fear what people might do. Just respond to what they've actually done. If you can't deal with her cheating on you, you'll have to invest with time and pain in the ability to face problems like this that will occur. This is simply the tax you must pay. No one can afford to be emotionally trapped and cornered into a situation just because he/she is unable to face the possibility of cutting their losses.


Btw, I didn't read anything but the title.
 
RunDeep said:
I'm planning on talking to her and telling her I'm not comfortable with her being friends with her ex, but i don't want to come across as jealous, insecure, controlling, etc.
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Communicating that is probably the most useful thing you can do. Your standards in that area apparently differ from each other, and that sounds like the most important issue.
 
ruji said:
Simplifying this. Don't fear what people might do. Just respond to what they've actually done. If you can't deal with her cheating on you, you'll have to invest with time and pain in the ability to face problems like this that will occur. This is simply the tax you must pay. No one can afford to be emotionally trapped and cornered into a situation just because he/she is unable to face the possibility of cutting their losses.


Btw, I didn't read anything but the title.
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I agree, and I'm not scared she's going to cheat. I just don't think it's respectful to put your significant other in that situation to begin with, regardless of whether he or she is trustworthy or not.
 
Sloe Djinn said:
Communicating that is probably the most useful thing you can do. Your standards in that area apparently differ from each other, and that sounds like the most important issue.
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Well she did make a comment like "Yeah, I know it's a little weird because most people don't do that, but with us it's more complicated than that." So she appears to know that it looks odd.
 
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RunDeep said:
I agree, and I'm not scared she's going to cheat. I just don't think it's respectful to put your significant other in that situation to begin with, regardless of whether he or she is trustworthy or not.
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I understand, but it's her life. Here's the thing: you can't control people, but you can control your own
decisions. If you draw the line at her having her ex as a friend, you can do that. Express your
boundaries and enforce them. Don't whine about it (not saying you do), just break up if that's the
boundary you've set.

It's your life, and you need to make it how you want. If the people in your life can't settle on some
common ground, you can't be in a relationship that violates either of your expectations. If the
compromise is acceptable, then fine, but people shouldn't be expected to compromise just because
they're in a "relationship".
 
ruji said:
I understand, but it's her life. Here's the thing: you can't control people, but you can control your own
decisions. If you draw the line at her having her ex as a friend, you can do that. Express your
boundaries and enforce them. Don't whine about it (not saying you do), just break up if that's the
boundary you've set.

It's your life, and you need to make it how you want. If the people in your life can't settle on some
common ground, you can't be in a relationship that violates either of your expectations. If the
compromise is acceptable, then fine, but people shouldn't be expected to compromise just because
they're in a "relationship".
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You're exactly right. This is not something I'm willing to live with, personally. I'm going to tell her how I feel and if she wants to keep being friends with him regardless, I may have to make a hard choice. I never want to come across as controlling. But I need to have my boundaries set firmly in place.
 
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TBH you sound like a jealous mofo. If you don't TRUST your girlfriend you shouldnt be dating her. She has the right to be friends with whovever she wants INCLUDING people she has dated and maybe had sex with. If you are so insecure with the fact that people who used to date are still friends with each other seriously break up with her she don't deserve a jealous mofo like you holla
 
slant said:
TBH you sound like a jealous mofo. If you don't TRUST your girlfriend you shouldnt be dating her. She has the right to be friends with whovever she wants INCLUDING people she has dated and maybe had sex with. If you are so insecure with the fact that people who used to date are still friends with each other seriously break up with her she don't deserve a jealous mofo like you holla
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"Surely, no matter how understanding our current partner is, there can't be many who wouldn't feel extreme disquiet at the spectre of a previous partner lurking in our background. Any fledgling relationship trying to cope with being a threesome surely faces an uncertain future."

--http://www.dailymail.co.uk/
 
Why are you quoting dailymail, you think that is going to help you? If you don't think a person can maintain a platonic relationship with an ex-romantic partner you are either extremely stupid or naive.
 
slant said:
TBH you sound like a jealous mofo. If you don't TRUST your girlfriend you shouldnt be dating her. She has the right to be friends with whovever she wants INCLUDING people she has dated and maybe had sex with. If you are so insecure with the fact that people who used to date are still friends with each other seriously break up with her she don't deserve a jealous mofo like you holla
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Calm your tits, slant
 
slant said:
Why are you quoting dailymail, you think that is going to help you? If you don't think a person can maintain a platonic relationship with an ex-romantic partner you are either extremely stupid or naive.
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That's not the point. It represents a lack of commitment to the currently established relationship.

ruji said:
Calm your tits, slant
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Agreed.
 
slant said:
Why are you quoting dailymail, you think that is going to help you? If you don't think a person can maintain a platonic relationship with an ex-romantic partner you are either extremely stupid or naive.
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Of course she has the right to do whatever she wants to. As do I. If I'm not wanting a third party, aka a ghost of the past, involved in my relationship than I have the right to feel that way. And she has the right to feel however she does as well. I need to talk to her and see what she thinks. I never said I was going to force her into anything-- in fact i think I have made that very obvious. I simply need to tell her how I feel and see how she responds. And as @Matt3737 said, it simply isn't respectful. I'm a person who takes relationships and commitment seriously. Maybe that isn't for everyone, but it works for me.

No need to be rude and call nasty names. That was uncalled for.
 
ruji said:
Calm your tits, slant
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No
RunDeep said:
Of course she has the right to do whatever she wants to. As do I. If I'm not wanting a third party, aka a ghost of the past, involved in my relationship than I have the right to feel that way. And she has the right to feel however she does as well. I need to talk to her and see what she thinks. I never said I was going to force her into anything-- in fact i think I have made that very obvious. I simply need to tell her how I feel and see how she responds.

No need to be rude and call nasty names. That was uncalled for.
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Yeah talk to her. Hope she breaks up with you due to your controlling tendencies. Check yourself before you wreck yourself bro.
 
RunDeep said:
Okay then. You seemed awfully defensive right off the bat. Anyway, I'm sticking to my boundaries.
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Look, there is a reason I come off as overly aggressive. Your post reeks of an insecure, whiny 12 year old boy. To learn you're 25 years old is incredibly shocking. It's probably going to go swell with your girlfriend because most women, especially in their 20's, are incredibly insecure and allow their men to completely control their life over their own petty insecurities. But to be honest? Relationships at their core are about trust.

WHY else would you be uncomfortable with your romantic partner being platonic friends with an ex-sexual partner of yours unless, at some level, you feel she may act out sexually with this person. You feel she may still have feelings for this person. If you did not feel that way, then your aversion is completely irrational and possibly psychotic. Obviously your concern is that your girlfriend may lapse on her faith to you with this other man....

and that is just totally immature thinking in a committed, serious, monogamous relationship. If you don't trust your girlfriend to have appropriate boundaries and be faithful to you- why in the hell are you dating her? It takes maturity to realize that, just because a woman had sex with a man in the past, does not mean she will have sex with this man in the future. You're showing your insecurity by trying to control who she talks to. Contrary to what media will show you, many people have successful platonic relationship's with exes. I just think you need to recognize your level of jealousy about this stems from insecurity and lack of trust. If your trusted your partner, and were completely secure in yourself, this would never be an issue.

Like I said this probably going to work out for you since you are so young. But good luck pulling this shit on a 40 year old woman, she is not going to fall in line, she is going to tell you how it is. Hopefully by the time you are 40 you have developed confidence in yourself and trust in your partner that this will no longer be a point of concern.
 
slant said:
and that is just totally immature thinking in a committed, serious, monogamous relationship.
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What is commitment to you? What experience have you had when it comes to commitment? I seriously doubt you're using that word correctly.
 
Matt3737 said:
What is commitment to you? What experience have you had when it comes to commitment? I seriously doubt you're using that word correctly.
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I ain't a petty possessive motherfucker is probably the issue we are coming across. Totally 100% okay with anyone I date being friends with their exes. Their exes can even come to fuckin' thanksgiving dinner. I don't have no issues with that because they love ME now.

If I didn't think they loved me...I wouldn't be dating them, sweet cheeks.
 
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