My ex is an INFJ.. how to win her back?... Nevermind, let's all be weird!!!

[Milktoast Bandit]

Smh

 

[April]

Sorry April, but no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

Do not do this, my friend. As @Pin says, she's not worth it at all. In fact, you should probably give her the cold shoulder as it sounds like she needs to learn that men are not toys.

She has treated you like shit. She has been emotionally unfaithful. She has been selfish. You have found out what she's like; celebrate! You're off the hook!

Could you possibly imagine what she'd be like if you guys were married or something? Fuck that.

Walk. That's it. It's simple. Tame your inner bitch and walk.

Well now that everyone else has been entirely much more harsh than me, I don't feel so bad!!!

I was focused on what you want @Tweekz ... not what you need. These guys are clearly smarter than me. Do what they said and you'll be much, much happier.

Don't listen to me, I suck at leaving people and letting go when I'm supposed to. LOL

 

[April]

Yeah, I think what @Puzzlenuzzle is trying to say is:

Grow some balls and grow up man.

You need to realise the truth of what's happened here and then reassert your pride.

I know it's hard, man, and you probably love her. But this is why her selfishness has hurt you. Walk.

Walk.

Walk.

Walk.

I don't think it's about growing up or growing balls. Give him a break, he's in love with her and that makes him act irrational. It's not about immaturity. At least, not to me. But what do I know, lol. I'm just saying... a grown and/ or mature man could have just as easily ended up here.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

Spoiler

I'm kidding

 

[April]

Sorry for what you're going through, man. Lots of good advice in this thread...

Heartbreak is fucking devastating and merciless, but it's also a rare and tremendous learning opportunity. If you let her go, you have a choice: wallow or thrive. You can become twice the man you were, and being single can be incredibly empowering once you start healing.

You will heal stronger than ever before if you pick yourself up and look forward. I know what I've said may sound a bit like a cheesy inspirational cassette you'd pop into your car, but it's true: the possibility for growth after heartbreak is immense.

What he said!!!!

Yes, growth and strength after heartbreak!

Some of us here are fucking strong as hell.

 

[April]

Thank you thank you Trying to fit in hahaha
And I'm fine, I've been a lot better. I'm really more sad/disappointed about how it had to end. I really thought we had a something real. I was ready to make it work, but that's my typical life experience, I always get dropped. Always the one putting in all the effort in the end. And the worse of all is that I know once I move on and she realises she fucked up.. she will most likely come running back to me. My ex from 2 years ago dumped me and she is still actively trying to get back with me, trying to convince me she fucked up. lol

And I was trying to leave you amidst the garbage piles instead of telling you to clean it up.

I think it's because I seriously, seriously, empathize and relate to your situation. I would say that I always get dropped too, but it's not the case, because i never even get picked up. So you can't get dropped if you're not picked up. That's probably why I was tying to help you get back with her because hell, in my life, you gotta stick with what the fuck you can get.

But to hell with that!!!! Look. We are amazing people. We have tons to offer.

Everyone here is right, you deserve better. And she will wallow in self pity when she realizes what the hell she did.

But more than likely, you will find a good woman who'd never consider doing any of that to you, and your ex will still be trading one for the next best thing. Hopefully not. Hopefully she finds someone who meets her needs as well. I've been in her shoes too actually.

I wish you well. Stick around, this place is the best. <3

 

[Lady Jolanda]

We'll see how it goes, I feel a little bit of resentment towards her at the moment. She is pretty cold and hurtful towards my feelings and I am mad at her for doing this to me.. but who knows what's in for me in the future.
Thank you

I wish I knew why she slammed the door at me though. her reasons don't seem to match up to reason a break up. And I am not even sure if she still have feelings, that's all assuming she still loves me.

Let me give you a serious reply as well then. It makes sense that you're mad at her. Rightfully so. She isn't being very respectful towards you.

Feelings don't go away that easily. I'm quite sure she still loves you. Her mixed signals seem a strong indicator of that. Unfortunately, love is what brings people together, but it is the relationship problems that drive people apart.
You seem like a good guy, and you obviously still love her a lot, so I understand that you want her back. I've been in the same situation myself, my ex broke up with me out of the blue after 6 years. I did everything in my power to win him back, and succeeded. I wish I never had. I lost all my power, worth and self esteem. The next 2 years I was back together with him, I was completely miserable. Our relationship had only gotten worse. Until one day he broke up with me out of the blue again. That was a year ago. I'm much happier now.

I'm going to be blunt now, sorry in advance. Ultimately it's your decision, but before you proceed I want you to seriously consider these two questions.

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?
You deserve someone who is as invested, committed and motivated as you clearly are. Is that her?

Why do you believe your relationship will be better the second time around?
You can change, adapt and compromise. Will she?

Your relationship problems, I believe, are as follows.

I often asked her to talk to me when I knew there was something wrong, like I could feel something was bothering her, but she would insist that everything was fine..

This is clear passive aggression and lack of emotionally honest, open communication. This problem lies with her, you're already doing everything you can.

And.... her reasons are very very inconsistent. She says one thing then the other day she says another thing.. it's as if she doesn't even know herself why she broke up with me or she knows but doesn't want to say the real reason.

There isn't just one reason, and her feelings shift a lot, hence the mixed signals. She does know the reasons, but every reason is dependent on another shifting feeling, hence she tells you a different thing each time.

Also.. when she broke up with me,she listed alllllllllll the things I had done wrong throughout the relationship.

She's afraid of open communication. Her passive aggressive denial of the problems before, and the fact that she did dare to give you all the reasons after breaking up with you, makes me feel as if she believes that direct, open communication will lead to a negative outcome. I think she's afraid that if she confronts you directly, you will react negatively, get angry at her, get into a massive fight, and break up the relationship yourself.

"everytime i wanted to confront you, you would get mad" (not true) and she said she hinted at me a lot.

More lack of open communication. Hinting doesn't work. That problem still lies with her.

This is a problem you can actually partially fix though. She felt you'd get mad at her if she was direct with you. You dismiss this out of hand. Now, I believe you that you don't get mad. You don't seem the type. You seem to appreciate directness and you tried to get her to talk. But you dismissing her concern like that? She would feel unheard about something that is very important to her. I can see why should would clam up.
Why does she feel like you would get mad? Is this something you've done before? Or is this something from her past and has nothing to do with you?
The only thing you can do here is to *assure* her you won't get mad, ask her why she feels you would get mad, ask her to confront you with one important issue, and then really don't get mad when she tells you, and build up that trust. If she still doesn't tell you, well, nothing you can do.

But that she just wasn't happy with me she felt disconnected to me.

Well yeah, I'd feel disconnected too if I didn't openly communicate my feelings and let all my anger build up inside! *facepalm*. She doesn't see it, but this problem really lies with her.

she was talking to this guy constantly on her phone. And as time went by.. she started having feelings for him... and became sexual with him as well

Classic rebound guy, and indicative of her problem with open communication.

So there you have it.
If you still want to proceed, these two resources helped me.
https://exbackpermanently.com/blog/
https://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/

I really wouldn't recommend it though. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but your self-worth and self-esteem will thank me in a year. You're a good guy, you deserve a good girl.
@JennyDaniella is single. (Just kidding JD!)

 

[noisebloom]

@JennyDaniella is single. (Just kidding JD!)

LULZ

 

[noisebloom]

Let me give you a serious reply as well then. It makes sense that you're mad at her. Rightfully so. She isn't being very respectful towards you.

Feelings don't go away that easily. I'm quite sure she still loves you. Her mixed signals seem a strong indicator of that. Unfortunately, love is what brings people together, but it is the relationship problems that drive people apart.
You seem like a good guy, and you obviously still love her a lot, so I understand that you want her back. I've been in the same situation myself, my ex broke up with me out of the blue after 6 years. I did everything in my power to win him back, and succeeded. I wish I never had. I lost all my power, worth and self esteem. The next 2 years I was back together with him, I was completely miserable. Our relationship had only gotten worse. Until one day he broke up with me out of the blue again. That was a year ago. I'm much happier now.

I'm going to be blunt now, sorry in advance. Ultimately it's your decision, but before you proceed I want you to seriously consider these two questions.

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?
You deserve someone who is as invested, committed and motivated as you clearly are. Is that her?

Why do you believe your relationship will be better the second time around?
You can change, adapt and compromise. Will she?

Your relationship problems, I believe, are as follows.

This is clear passive aggression and lack of emotionally honest, open communication. This problem lies with her, you're already doing everything you can.


There isn't just one reason, and her feelings shift a lot, hence the mixed signals. She does know the reasons, but every reason is dependent on another shifting feeling, hence she tells you a different thing each time.


She's afraid of open communication. Her passive aggressive denial of the problems before, and the fact that she did dare to give you all the reasons after breaking up with you, makes me feel as if she believes that direct, open communication will lead to a negative outcome. I think she's afraid that if she confronts you directly, you will react negatively, get angry at her, get into a massive fight, and break up the relationship yourself.


More lack of open communication. Hinting doesn't work. That problem still lies with her.

This is a problem you can actually partially fix though. She felt you'd get mad at her if she was direct with you. You dismiss this out of hand. Now, I believe you that you don't get mad. You don't seem the type. You seem to appreciate directness and you tried to get her to talk. But you dismissing her concern like that? She would feel unheard about something that is very important to her. I can see why should would clam up.
Why does she feel like you would get mad? Is this something you've done before? Or is this something from her past and has nothing to do with you?
The only thing you can do here is to *assure* her you won't get mad, ask her why she feels you would get mad, ask her to confront you with one important issue, and then really don't get mad when she tells you, and build up that trust. If she still doesn't tell you, well, nothing you can do.


Well yeah, I'd feel disconnected too if I didn't openly communicate my feelings and let all my anger build up inside! *facepalm*. She doesn't see it, but this problem really lies with her.


Classic rebound guy, and indicative of her problem with open communication.

So there you have it.
If you still want to proceed, these two resources helped me.
https://exbackpermanently.com/blog/
https://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/

I really wouldn't recommend it though. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but your self-worth and self-esteem will thank me in a year. You're a good guy, you deserve a good girl.
@JennyDaniella is single. (Just kidding JD!)

Wonderfully stated, and I could not agree more with most of this.

I have a picture in my head of a person who isn't healthy enough or ready for a long-term relationship. There are people out there that do fine by themselves but struggle with relationships, and not being able to communicate effectively is an extremely common and damning problem.

Two people in a relationship are inevitably going to hurt each other at some point, but a healthy relationship relies on direct communication. Yeah, you aren't perfect, but her being transparent about her issues with you earlier on would have saved a lot of time and heartbreak and even potentially helped avert them. She needs to learn this.

It may take her a few relationships to learn how to do this well, but she also very never be in that place. I don't think the odds of her learning this anytime soon are great, though, and I'm a firm believer in people learning the hard way (I think that's how we as humans grow the most).

It wasn't too long ago that I had a hard time believing that there was someone really great for me out there. The short story is that I think I've found someone really good for me that is going to call me on my bullshit and be honest about issues. I believe you'll find someone great for you, too.

I wish the best for you, man.

 

[Dixie Normous]

Thanks guys. Right now I can't think clearly. Part of me wants to move on but at the same time I want to know if there's any chances to salvage something out of it. Im very confused and I am in no position to make a decision to be honest. I appreciate all your advice and they are taken seriously, all of them.. Now it's up to me to use them wisely. You are all my friends and I enjoy your company and that's what matters to me right now.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

This is so true. Open and honest communication never does damage to a relationship, even if you fear that the other person won't want to hear it. In fact, 90% of the time it makes you stronger.

Think of your partner as just another part of you - why would you keep secrets from yourself? If you do this then you are constructing a separate identity for yourself that your partner has no access to, and therefore you will feel distant and disconnected. Your partner has no access to connect with the part of you you keep secret.

I think she did this - there was a part of her that you didn't have access to, and therefore there is no wonder she felt disconnected.

 

[Dixie Normous]

This is so true. Open and honest communication never does damage to a relationship, even if you fear that the other person won't want to hear it. In fact, 90% of the time it makes you stronger.

Think of your partner as just another part of you - why would you keep secrets from yourself? If you do this then you are constructing a separate identity for yourself that your partner has no access to, and therefore you will feel distant and disconnected. Your partner has no access to connect with the part of you you keep secret.

I think she did this - there was a part of her that you didn't have access to, and therefore there is no wonder she felt disconnected.[/QUOTE]

 

[April]

Thanks guys. Right now I can't think clearly. Part of me wants to move on but at the same time I want to know if there's any chances to salvage something out of it. Im very confused and I am in no position to make a decision to be honest. I appreciate all your advice and they are taken seriously, all of them.. Now it's up to me to use them wisely. You are all my friends and I enjoy your company and that's what matters to me right now.

Group hug!!!
:triohug::happywiggle::gettogether::happydanceyay::grouphug::grouphug4::groupearthhug:

 

[Dixie Normous]

Once you tell me something you usually don't really need to repeat it to me, I am very organised. I will try to implement the new idea as soon as possible as efficiently as possible, but if I don't know the problem I don't know what there is to fix. So it's really a shame that she couldn't open up to me with everything, things could of been way way different.. and you know what's Ironic.. she's the one that found out about my personality type so she was full blown aware that I am an ENTJ. She would even brag about how she loved it.

 

[noisebloom]

I am in no position to make a decision to be honest.

I laud your self-awareness. Give yourself the time to slow down and heal... and give yourself a little more after that. Whatever path you ultimately choose will yield wisdom.

 

[April]

Once you tell me something you usually don't really need to repeat it to me, I am very organised. I will try to implement the new idea as soon as possible as efficiently as possible, but if I don't know the problem I don't know what there is to fix. So it's really a shame that she couldn't open up to me with everything, things could of been way way different.. and you know what's Ironic.. she's the one that found out about my personality type so she was full blown aware that I am an ENTJ. She would even brag about how she loved it.

Well no matter what you decide, we will support you. (We might lovingly tease you though ) This is a very understanding group.

 

[Dixie Normous]

Well no matter what you decide, we will support you. (We might lovingly tease you though ) This is a very understanding group.

Hahaha I know, Im here to stay

 

[April]

Hahaha I know, Im here to stay

Welcome to the dark side. It's really cool here...

 

[Infjente]

You are are attracted to each other -> want to impress each other -> want to bond, so that you can love and be loved -> failing at this because you don't get each other -> not safe to love each other -> not being loved opens to the possibility of not being worthy of love -> not feeling worthy = low self esteem -> fear of devastating conclusions about self -> survival mode -> find strategy to save self esteem -> the one with the upper hand must be the one who's opinion is the most valid -> both needs the other to not lose interest -> confusion -> immature strategies -> battle is on until self esteem is safe.

You don't understand each other, you confuse each other, you don't fit well with each other. Find someone who understands your way of showing love.

 

[Wyote]

Find someone who understands your way of showing love.

Yup