[INFJ] - Morals ruining friendships? | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] Morals ruining friendships?

oswin

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Jan 20, 2014
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So i definitely would say i have very strong morals, and sometimes my friends will do something that i consider completely morally unacceptable and i try and get over it but it ends up almost getting in the way? and then sooner or later the friendship is just me trying extremely hard to keep it from failing and them not caring whatsoever. I's exhausting and it sounds cliche but feel like no one understands why i have such strong moral or who i try so hard to keep the friendship going.

Does anyone ever feel the same way or similar??
 
Not exactly.

I have strong moral standards that I apply mostly to myself, and less so on others. Morals are a sticky area, as some of them are considered to be universal by the world/community, where as others are smaller scale and in some cases personal. It's hard to tell if the latter case is something that should be imposed onto other or not, and I do my best to limit that.

I do have some morals though, that I apply to myself, don't expect or anticipate others to follow. However, there are some that if they are to break them, I snip the cord and back off from them. Most of these involve religion and science, but there are some smaller pet-peeve type things too. If I can tell that I am not going to be able to talk to them or be able to persuade them to think or do otherwise, I don't bother and just pull back. I am not going to waste my energy on someone who doesn't share a common thread that I deem important. I have a hard time understanding why so many people hold onto friendships or relationships when they aren't working and little is being gained from the contact.
 
I think it's difficult to say...
morals, values, manners, etc. they're all very different things.
I would say that I don't tend to befriend people (or meet many people) that have different morals than me. I do have friends that have different values, but values are very personal. Depending on the values though, I wouldn't be friends with someone (for example, if they belittled people to make themselves feel better, I wouldn't be their friend) - but then again, much like morals, I probably wouldn't befriend someone with values that I wouldn't be able to put up with.
Manners are a whole other kettle. My friends often don't have the 'manners' that I hold myself too. It annoys me to all hell, but it's my own personal system, and I wouldn't befriend someone for not having the same manners as me.
I guess my question to you is, what are these morals that these friends are breaking?
 
The morals have sometimes been religious morals, but not necessarily we just believe different things (because thats completely fine) it's more criticizing my beliefs. Also just how they treat others has really been off putting for me. This tends to happen with some newer friendships and not ones where i really know the other person and i tend to not befriend people with different morals, but other times what i said earlier is what happens if i do, because i've been wanting to not just completely ruling out the idea of being friends with these people just because they do one or two things i disagree with.
 
and then sooner or later the friendship is just me trying extremely hard to keep it from failing

I have certain criteria for someone to be regarded as a friend and other less selective criteria for people to be regarded as an acquaintance. Anyone who does not fulfill those critieria is out of my circle.

I don't understand why you even try to keep the friendship from falling apart. If they do not fulfill your standards, for me that automatically disqualifies them as friends. So why try to save something which is, by definition, no longer a friendship?

Sorry for putting it in this very NT manner.
 
I found that as I get older, it's easier and easier for me to be okay with not being friends or liking someone. I use to feel awful for not liking someone if they did something that wasn't what I would do. But now, if I see someone treat a person or act a way that upsets me or puts me off, I'm okay with telling myself to cut them loose.

It's hard to find the balance between accepting people for their faults and differences, and then recognizing when someone goes against what you believe in. I have a friend who I am constantly having an battling internally about. She acts in such a way that goes against who I am, but yet I feel sorry for her, and seem to keep choosing to ignore my feelings and just accept that it's who she is...so even though I can tell you I wouldn't be her friend, I still am.

It's hard to cut people out.
 
I don't understand why you even try to keep the friendship from falling apart. If they do not fulfill your standards, for me that automatically disqualifies them as friends. So why try to save something which is, by definition, no longer a friendship?

I completely agree with this...and I tell myself this all the time for a few people I have in my life.

For me, it's hard to cut someone out...I feel bad for them, especially if they have a hard time making and/or keeping friends...or are just going through a rough time. I can't let them feel alone. It's not good for me, but for some reason, I have a horrible guilt for cutting them loose if I know they're in a rough spot, or are in need of friends.
 
seem to keep choosing to ignore my feelings and just accept that it's who she is
This is how i feel about it. i feel like maybe one day i'll just accept the differences and so i won't have to end the friendship (i'm using friendship lightly here because what i'm considering a friendship here might be someone's definition of an acquaintance) I feel as though it's not a valid enough reason to end a friendship over one moral disagreement.
 
This is how i feel about it. i feel like maybe one day i'll just accept the differences and so i won't have to end the friendship (i'm using friendship lightly here because what i'm considering a friendship here might be someone's definition of an acquaintance) I feel as though it's not a valid enough reason to end a friendship over one moral disagreement.

I think a more pertinent question here would be why do you want to save these friendships? What is the source of desire, and what can you gain? Yes you might be saying it's for their sake, but friendships are dual, not one way. You must consider yourself into the question because if a relation between two individuals is one way; that's not a friendship.

So, why? What will be garnered from holding on.
 
This is how i feel about it. i feel like maybe one day i'll just accept the differences and so i won't have to end the friendship (i'm using friendship lightly here because what i'm considering a friendship here might be someone's definition of an acquaintance) I feel as though it's not a valid enough reason to end a friendship over one moral disagreement.

I try to live by this advice: I being around that person makes you feel worse more than good, then they're not someone you should be hanging around with.
 
probably just because these people have helped me through situations and have made been really good at times, and i just keep thinking that maybe it'll go back to that instead of just being one sided.
 
probably just because these people have helped me through situations and have made been really good at times, and i just keep thinking that maybe it'll go back to that instead of just being one sided.

Ok, that's fair to think. People grow and change over time. Sometimes individuals go through periods of development that on the shortterm can be a really shitty person to be around (I know I have gone through that several times in my life). However, morals are something that are usually pretty static. They're hard to change, and if they do change then it's not easy for them to go bad.

It would be good to do a cost benefit analysis: Is the energy I expend waiting and hoping for them to change worth it? Or over time have I and will I put more into this than would be gathered if they were to go back to who they are?

Also, it doesn't have to be binary. You could very easily back off from someone, and if years down the road they seem to come back and now they're compatible with you; persue it. I've certainly experienced situations like that. I am not the person I was 3-4 years ago and the types of individuals I were friends with and truly connected with have changed. Others have undergone such things as well.

What I am trying to get at here, is not to overextend yourself in the hopes of finding some sort of idealized version of what you want a friendship to be. If there's evidence to show they might change or things will work out, sure by all means hang on. But, if there's nothing to show or hint that will happen, no amount of hoping or wanting will make it happen. In those cases, it's really just a good idea to hang on.

It's also actually dishonest to the other person. Think about this: How would you feel if a friend if yours all the sudden told you they were just holding on hoping you'd change. I'm fairly certain that'd feel a hell of a lot more shitty then if they were to just naturally part ways from you. In reality it's quite dishonest.
 
It's also actually dishonest to the other person. Think about this: How would you feel if a friend if yours all the sudden told you they were just holding on hoping you'd change. I'm fairly certain that'd feel a hell of a lot more shitty then if they were to just naturally part ways from you. In reality it's quite dishonest.

Well they did definitely change since the beginning of this friendship and that really isn't the only reason i'm hanging one. there's our ups and downs, in the ups i's great and every things working out fine and then the downs are the moments where i'm deciding whether or not i should spend my time and effort perusing the relationship just for those up moments. so i wouldn't say it's fair to consider it dishonest.
 
Well they did definitely change since the beginning of this friendship and that really isn't the only reason i'm hanging one. there's our ups and downs, in the ups i's great and every things working out fine and then the downs are the moments where i'm deciding whether or not i should spend my time and effort perusing the relationship just for those up moments. so i wouldn't say it's fair to consider it dishonest.

All relationships come with their ups and downs, hard times and good times. People change, and sometimes you have to decide if they've changed into someone you no longer are compatible with. However, knowing that all relationships go through good and bad times, a friend would recognize this. Sometimes there are things going on in other people's lives that change them and how they act...sometimes being a friend is sticking with them and helping them get through those times. But it also doesn't mean that you should stick with them if it's detrimental to you.

Friendships, like any relationship, don't come with a guide book.
 
All relationships come with their ups and downs, hard times and good times. People change, and sometimes you have to decide if they've changed into someone you no longer are compatible with. However, knowing that all relationships go through good and bad times, a friend would recognize this. Sometimes there are things going on in other people's lives that change them and how they act...sometimes being a friend is sticking with them and helping them get through those times. But it also doesn't mean that you should stick with them if it's detrimental to you.

Friendships, like any relationship, don't come with a guide book.

yeah, I've just been trying to decide if the ups and downs are just the normal ones that any relationship will have or if its something more. I'd been pretty draining for me so i'm seriously considering just drifting my way out of the friendship, and i guess if they really want to try to fix everything then they'll stop that from happening.
I'm just a little worried that it's not the right thing to do.
 
I try to see where my friends are coming from when they cross my standards and what it says about them as a person on a larger scale. The immediate reaction doesn't take into account their motivations, their stressors, and everything else about the situation. To put it simply, if I didn't believe they were fundamentally good people who shared my basic values through different approaches, I wouldn't be friends with them.

With people I don't know very well, I'm more suspicious. If they're bad company I'd rather catch on sooner than later.
 
Beatrix Kiddo: (crying) Am I a bad person?
Bill: (moments from dying) No, you're my favorite person.
 
Offensive, crass, rude, crude, sensuous, unprincipled, etc. people get under my skin. I don't want to be around them much because it makes me uncomfortable, shocks me, disturbs me, etc.

Mind you, the same goes for non-human company. I won't tolerate a dog that pees, or poops wherever, or tries to hump everything.

I guess I feel most comfortable around civilized people.
 
I don't think that friendship status has to be so black and white with no transitionary period in between. If someone bothers you, you have the option of spending less time with them and more time on others, and seeing how that makes you feel. Focus on people and things that make you feel like you are growing and becoming fulfilled from them.
 
I feel like this all the time when it comes to friendships; especially with other women. I am always super conscious of the fact that I can come off really strong with my beliefs and morals and from experience it usually pushes people away. But another aspect I think that contributes strongly to the morality is high standards. They kind of go together. When you have strong morals; you tend to have high standards. It does feel like you have to choose to either to be in friendships with low morale or just take the high road and be on your own. As of now I have not found a balancing midpoint to find meaningful friendship and still maintain my morals. I do feel that it is a very INFJ thing and seems to only exhibit in INFJs. I also think that we tend to attract friendships that are contrasting to our morals so we can learn to experience the opposite and find a middle ground. But being that people are not perfect; this experience can be elusive.