Misunderstood intentions/motives | INFJ Forum

Misunderstood intentions/motives

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, Sep 17, 2010.

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  1. Gaze

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    Not to give away our selves or any secrets :D but in what situations are you most misunderstood? And in your opinion, why?


    Are your motives or reasons to be more specific more often misunderstood or is it your actions?




    Do you spend any time trying to explain or correct someone about the misunderstandings, or do you just let it go or leave them figuring it out eventually? Or do you not really care at all?
     
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  2. Nighthawk

    Nighthawk Regular Poster

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    I find that I am sometimes misunderstood when I communicate in the written form ... as there are no verbal or physical cues to go with it. Ironically, written communication is my favorite form, since I am introverted. I have gotten better at it through careful wording and additions of emoticons :) to display some feelings. This is not to say that my face-to-face communication always runs perfectly. There are misunderstandings there too from time to time.

    When I am misunderstood, I usually try pretty hard to correct the misunderstanding. I don't like drama or leaving loose ends.
     
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  3. Jonathan

    Jonathan Community Member

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    I was thinking about this when I was doing volunteer work with a bunch of people I had just met not too long before. I was misunderstood quite a bit. One of th days we were there, we stopped to look at a thousand year old oak tree. I thought it was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. Then, to my astonishment, people starting climbing on it! I knew they meant no harm, but I suggested to a few people that maybe we weren't supposed to be climbing all over it. They continued, telling me to lighten up, until they saw the "Please Do Not Climb On Me" sign. So when they were snapping their group pictures next to the tree, I was appreciating everything that tree must have gone through... etc. etc. I kind of wanted to let people know that the tree meant something more, but figured I should just let it go.

    Pretty much the same thing kept happening. When we were in New Orleans, I wanted to see all the 'boring' stuff about historical and cultural significance and such; whereas they just wanted to do the things they already do at home. Not that I think my way is necessarily better, since everyone has a different motivation, but I just feel compelled to experience things on a different level. It was disappointing, tohugh, when I would get really passionate about something, and people would interrupt me or just smile and nod. I wanted them to see things how I saw them, but I knew it would be selfish to impose myself.

    I actually did explain some of my motivations and attitudes, but very few people were interested. Some people, on the other hand, found my way of looking at/ doing things interesting, and some really good conversations came out of it. Usually I just let it go if I think nobody would really care. Otherwise, I'd feel like I was demanding people to understand me, when it's really up to them if they want to come take a walk on the dark side.
     
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  4. OP
    Gaze

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    In the past, i wanted very much for people to understand me or "see me" but i'm questioning this as being easily seen or understood is not always good. And the ability for someone to see true motives/reasons can make you more vulnerable to manipulation. I used to get really upset that i wasn't being understood or my perspective wasn't being appreciated, then i realized that maybe it wasn't important for them to understand me, and that i couldn't expect them to. I'm still working on it. But i'm very tempted on occasion to challenge the impressions someone has only to realize that it's doing me more harm than good; feels like fighting a losing battle, so in the end, i tell myself to simply let it be. Let them see what they see.
     
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    #4 Gaze, Sep 17, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2010
  5. Lerxst

    Lerxst Well-known member

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    At work usually. I work in non-profit animal rescue. My motives are always welfare based so I make plenty of suggestions and do my job (supervisory role) according to the needs of the animals.

    People not used to this field come in and start working around me start to criticize my actions/motives. Too much Corporate America brainwashing makes them think I'm trying to steal their jobs or get them fired I think.
     
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  6. Ethereal

    Ethereal Regular Poster

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    I am constantly misunderstood in every way but the worst thing is when it comes to empathy, I have been accused of not caring when in fact I am extremely empathetic and I feel peoples pain yet you'd never know it because I have a hard time expressing it. So because I am looking on with a blank face and not gushing or cooing over people or hugging them and am not seen to do or say the right things I am accused of not caring. I have such trouble with expressing it I often wonder why I was born with so much empathy and sensitivity, it seems like a wasted gift. Soooooooooooo frustrating :tsk: :confused:
     
  7. Nixie

    Nixie Resurrected

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    I think you have to place value on being understood. I take care to try and get my point across and understand other's points, butI am comfortable with the idea that someone doesn't understand or see what I am saying.

    That being said. I feel that I am most misunderstood in romantic relationships. I require time to myself and relish being alone and recharging. I am also not much of a hugger or PDA kinda person or overly demonstrative. I have trouble when someone I am interested in feels that I am being cold or aloof when in fact I do care about them but don't feel the need to hang all over them or have them hang all over me. I will try and explain but if the problem persists, will end the relationship because I know this will always be part of who I am.
     
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    #7 Nixie, Sep 17, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2010
  8. KazeCraven

    KazeCraven Graduated from Typology : May 2011
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    I am very often misunderstood online, but that's usually my fault due to wanting things to be technically correct (grammatically and logically speaking) or wishing to refrain from the dreaded generic expressions, such as "lol". This sometimes happens in person, though it's usually quite easy to clear up.

    Most other misunderstandings are idiosyncratic, and I don't realize it until much later, if ever. I get the sense that people misunderstand my reasoning behind hemming and hawing about my opinions/preferences though. I've been told pretty annoying things like "good job being assertive this time" when really I had just been trying to be polite. That's when my misanthropic side comes out, and I decide any explanation for these worthless people would be a waste of breath.
     
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    Gaze

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    Yeah, can relate to this in some way. Sometimes, i'm more tame or not assertive when i make a point, and people think it's because i'm shy or feel uncomfortable speaking when i'm really just trying to be polite or considerate to those around me. My voice tends to come across a bit mousy when i do, so people read it as a sign of a shy personality. From my end, i was simply trying to make a point in a non-intrusive way, not PUT MYSELF OUT THERE, but alas, people will think what they must *sigh*
     
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    #9 Gaze, Sep 17, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2010
  10. KorJax

    KorJax Community Member

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    It's good that you will try and explain yourself, even if it still ends up with an ended relationship. Part of the importance in a relationship is making sure that there is a mutual understanding of who both people involved are, and what they are to each other.

    Too often there's this expectation that a relationship will work out by "going with the flow" and not making being responsible with yourself and those you interact with. The reality is the opposite.

    I guess I'm bitter about me being so open to explaining myself in relationships so far (both on a friend/lover standpoint) only to find that I'm the only one doing it and they refuse to explain themselves for a way they are acting even when I ask directly. Then the next day, going on as if nothing happened and it doesn't matter.

    Needless to say I don't associate myself with those people anymore and it kind of upsets me because I feel like it's a rash decision on my part (and I feel like I could have helped them be comfortable with standing up for who they were if I did "X" thing right).
     
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