Mismatch in planning?

Almisen

Almisen

Newbie
MBTI
INFJ
This is my first post here so I start by saying Hello :)

So... I’ve had some specific difficulties in a recent relationship an wonder if its a common mismatch thing between types. Some ideas how to work around it would be really great too :)

I’ve been seeing a guy for about 8 months and we definitely have chemistry. I would guess he’s an ENFP - at least there’s no doubt on the P... We understand each other in some weird ways, share basic values and there’s a lot of affection and caring, and the sex is completely addictive.

But one of the biggest problems is mostly practical. We are very different when it comes to planning. He likes to wait until the last minute to schedule to meet and I almost go to pieces in the meantime. I don’t understand exactly why but it’s so very uncomfortable for me to keep an open schedule and not know if I’m going to see him tomorrow or in four days.

It’s like my whole everyday life get put on hold while I wait for him to make up his mind about when to meet, although I’m of course free to make other plans if I want to. But then again, I’m mostly on my own on the days I don’t particularly plan ahead so I wouldn’t do anything special anyway.

And it’s not like he doesn’t want to meet, we often do (or did; we’re not seeing each other atm - I backed off a while ago to get perspectives but we’ll meet again soon to talk). As I understand it, he just wants it to feel right, and to not be exhausted when we meet (there are health issues involved). And he really does make me feel loved and appreciated so it’s not about that. It’s just the not knowing how the week is going to turn out that gets to me.

I guess part of my problem is that I really understand his point of view (of course I do) and find it difficult to find my own boundaries in this situation (of course I do) but when I’m really motivated to see someone it’s gets exactly this tricky. I hope it makes sense a bit...

Is this something you can relate to? And if so, how do you deal with it?
 
I actually went through this exact same thing in the earlier stages of my current relationship (We've been together six years now). I had an idea in my mind of how I thought it should be with making plans and how much time we should spend together, etc. As it turns out he's just not a planner. He doesn't think about it. When it's time to do something he will do it but he very much lives deeply in the present moment and it does not occur to him to think further into the future.

If I ask him to do something on a specific date now he will if it's something that he wants to do.

I had to learn to be responsible for my own life and my own time. It didn't make any sense for me to be putting my life on hold just in case he randomly decided he wanted to spend time together that day. I had to make my own plans and do my own things and if he randomly wanted to spend time together but I had something going on, I would NOT change those plans. He wasn't careless or malicious or anything, it's just that we have two different ways of being and we needed to understand that about each other.

In your case I think you just need to make sure you're not getting so worked up about it because you're not doing anything and all these days of your life are passing before he comes around. The relationship may be great when you are together but your time apart is equally as important. If you don't set a boundary with YOURSELF about how much time you will wait or how you spend your time waiting or if you are going to wait at all then you're going to be the one in the relationship that ends up resentful and hurt all the time while he may not even see that there's a problem to begin with.

If this is a relationship you want to be in long term you'll eventually have to have a conversation about it and really come to a compromise about making an executing plans to spend time together.
 
SpecialEdition said:
I had to learn to be responsible for my own life and my own time. It didn't make any sense for me to be putting my life on hold just in case he randomly decided he wanted to spend time together that day. I had to make my own plans and do my own things and if he randomly wanted to spend time together but I had something going on, I would NOT change those plans. He wasn't careless or malicious or anything, it's just that we have two different ways of being and we needed to understand that about each other.

In your case I think you just need to make sure you're not getting so worked up about it because you're not doing anything and all these days of your life are passing before he comes around. The relationship may be great when you are together but your time apart is equally as important. If you don't set a boundary with YOURSELF about how much time you will wait or how you spend your time waiting or if you are going to wait at all then you're going to be the one in the relationship that ends up resentful and hurt all the time while he may not even see that there's a problem to begin with.
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Thank you for sharing your experience. Exactly, it’s not as this guy is careless either, it’s just not his thing. It stresses him out to plan things in advance.

Your advice make a lot of sense. Somehow I feel guilty if I don’t try my best to make sure that we can meet, as it would mean that he isn’t important. But I can see the flaws in that reasoning :)

Just for the record, I do plan quite a lot of things so it’s not like I put my whole life on hold to wait for him. It’s more of a feeling, really. I need to make some space in my schedule, though, if we’re ever going to meet.

So it’s more about finding my own balance in it, as you say. I think I’ve made a bit too much space and find myself getting more passive than I’m actually comfortable with, and I keep getting behind with things I’m committed to. And to be honest I do change my schedule a bit too easily to accommodate him, trying to be “flexible”, which really doesn’t work for me in the long run.

We’re meeting this afternoon to talk and my guess is that we won’t continue at this point. Perhaps at some later time, if our life paces ever become more compatible. I really hope so because he’s a wonderful person.
 
Almisen said:
Thank you for sharing your experience. Exactly, it’s not as this guy is careless either, it’s just not his thing. It stresses him out to plan things in advance.

Your advice make a lot of sense. Somehow I feel guilty if I don’t try my best to make sure that we can meet, as it would mean that he isn’t important. But I can see the flaws in that reasoning :)

Just for the record, I do plan quite a lot of things so it’s not like I put my whole life on hold to wait for him. It’s more of a feeling, really. I need to make some space in my schedule, though, if we’re ever going to meet.

So it’s more about finding my own balance in it, as you say. I think I’ve made a bit too much space and find myself getting more passive than I’m actually comfortable with, and I keep getting behind with things I’m committed to. And to be honest I do change my schedule a bit too easily to accommodate him, trying to be “flexible”, which really doesn’t work for me in the long run.

We’re meeting this afternoon to talk and my guess is that we won’t continue at this point. Perhaps at some later time, if our life paces ever become more compatible. I really hope so because he’s a wonderful person.
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Oh wow that went fast. I respect your sense of sureness and clarity. I suppose circumstance is very important in every relationship.

I would have said, give it a chance and try to see if you can learn to have faith in him but nonetheless I appreciate very much that you know what you want in a relationship. It speaks self respect in huge volumes.

:innocent::m059:
 
Almisen said:
Thank you for sharing your experience. Exactly, it’s not as this guy is careless either, it’s just not his thing. It stresses him out to plan things in advance.

Your advice make a lot of sense. Somehow I feel guilty if I don’t try my best to make sure that we can meet, as it would mean that he isn’t important. But I can see the flaws in that reasoning :)

Just for the record, I do plan quite a lot of things so it’s not like I put my whole life on hold to wait for him. It’s more of a feeling, really. I need to make some space in my schedule, though, if we’re ever going to meet.

So it’s more about finding my own balance in it, as you say. I think I’ve made a bit too much space and find myself getting more passive than I’m actually comfortable with, and I keep getting behind with things I’m committed to. And to be honest I do change my schedule a bit too easily to accommodate him, trying to be “flexible”, which really doesn’t work for me in the long run.

We’re meeting this afternoon to talk and my guess is that we won’t continue at this point. Perhaps at some later time, if our life paces ever become more compatible. I really hope so because he’s a wonderful person.
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It's not easy sometimes. I really had a hard time with it especially in the first 6 to 12 months. But once I was able to let it go and let the relationship breathe it ended up working itself out.

Wishing you the best in your meet up.
 
MINFJToothFairy said:
Oh wow that went fast. I respect your sense of sureness and clarity. I suppose circumstance is very important in every relationship.

I would have said, give it a chance and try to see if you can learn to have faith in him but nonetheless I appreciate very much that you know what you want in a relationship. It speaks self respect in huge volumes.

:innocent::m059:
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Well, I’ve been thinking about this and quite a lot so it doesn’t feel that fast to me :) Just needed to process this particular thing too, and I think it’s something that might bother me in future relationships if I don’t did wats to deal with it, so I’m grateful for your reflections.

Turned out he felt that he had been distracted by his own stuff and hadn’t been very attentive (and I hadn’t been very loud about things either so I get that). It felt embarrassingly good to hear him saying it, actually, and made me understand my own reactions a bit better.

We had a really good talk and agreed that maybe this isn’t the best time in our lives to try to have an ongoing relationship even though we have lots of chemistry and care for each other very much, so we’ll just keep in touch, perhaps meet up more casually, and see how things are later on in a year or two. The best outcome I could hope for :)
 
I guess it depends on how much you want him in your life. It sounds like you are currently ending it, though.

Aside from the fact that he is not a planner by nature, a lot of guys like to take it slow and are commitment-phobic, even if they are in love with a person. Letting them have more control over their schedules makes them feel like they still have their freedom and still get to make choices without being "strangled" by commitment in the early stages of a relationship. Letting someone who needs a sense of freedom to feel good about themselves have the room to play their charade with scheduling commitments, etc, can be good for the relationship and help the person adjust to committing more easily than being pushed into a dating regiment.

That said, I have made repeated posts about how annoying it is that some of my friends never make a schedule with me and how disruptive it is. Asking the night before if we were meeting the next day helped, and we've slowly moved to meeting on schedule.
 
Lololol Js and Ps ain’t ever going to get on the same page when it comes to this

It probably bothers you much more than it will ever him

Best advice: accept it and don’t be a stick in the mud when doing stuff

Use your J-ness to organize his taxes or something
 
Asa said:
I guess it depends on how much you want him in your life. It sounds like you are currently ending it, though.

Aside from the fact that he is not a planner by nature, a lot of guys like to take it slow and are commitment-phobic, even if they are in love with a person. Letting them have more control over their schedules makes them feel like they still have their freedom and still get to make choices without being "strangled" by commitment in the early stages of a relationship. Letting someone who needs a sense of freedom to feel good about themselves have the room to play their charade with scheduling commitments, etc, can be good for the relationship and help the person adjust to committing more easily than being pushed into a dating regiment.

That said, I have made repeated posts about how annoying it is that some of my friends never make a schedule with me and how disruptive it is. Asking the night before if we were meeting the next day helped, and we've slowly moved to meeting on schedule.
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At this point I think the only way to keep him in my life was to either get into conflict or transform the relationship. I just realized that I had reached my limit, it kind of messed up my own plans and other commitments too much. Actually, I think I just had to accept that I could have limits around that :) So I think transforming the relationship was the best thing we could do at this point. Otherwise I agree, I understand that need and wouldn’t want to push any dating regiment on someone.
 
ClevelandINTP said:
Feels like a prison at times with Js

Maybe find an ISTJ instead and accept the blandness in exchange for lists!!
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My ex is probably an ISTJ and we were together for 10 years :)

And now I’m involved with one ISFJ and one ENFJ (I’m polyamorous btw, seems to be uncommon for INFJs? And of course everyone knows and are ok with it and so on; this ExxP guy is a relationship anarchist so that’s definitely not an issue here in case anyone was worried that I ruined his emotional life or something. Gosh, I need to stop putting a lot of information in parentheses) and that works out just fine :) BUT it also makes me even more inflexible since a lack of planning kind of affects everyone else and that stresses me out as well. So I guess J types are a better match for me if I’m going to commit, at least for now.
 
Almisen said:
relationship anarchist
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Oh. Well, this makes sense and adds perspective.

What is dating an ISTJ and an ENFJ, as an INFJ, like?

I tend to clash with ISTJs (I like them, but they don't like me) because I'm too different while they like order and "sameness" and they don't get that there are different kinds of people. Why would I live my life the way I do, why would I think what I think, why would I wear that, etc? I try to do everything their way in their presence, but it doesn't help.

I imagine you've found balance, but dating both an ISTJ and an ENFJ seems like it would pull you in different directions.
 
Asa said:
What is dating an ISTJ and an ENFJ, as an INFJ, like?

I tend to clash with ISTJs (I like them, but they don't like me) because I'm too different while they like order and "sameness" and they don't get that there are different kinds of people. Why would I live my life the way I do, why would I think what I think, why would I wear that, etc? I try to do everything their way in their presence, but it doesn't help.

I imagine you've found balance, but dating both an ISTJ and an ENFJ seems like it would pull you in different directions.
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Ooh, love the question! :D

As you say, I find it balancing. They bring out very different sides of me and I like that a lot. I tend to accommodate in relationships and easily lose track of myself if I'm not careful, so relating to very different partners is very helpful, it’s helps me see myself more clearly. Otherwise I think I’d need a lot more alone time to bring out my other aspects myself. Not that I specifically looked for different partners, it’s just a very nice bonus :)

ISFJ: yeah, we had some struggles in the beginning about what our relationship “should” be like and what was expected of me in regards of family norms and such :) But he’s also very fascinated with alternative ways of seeing and doing things and finds it inspiring, actually. And he really wants me to be happy, so as long as I can explain that his support of my worldview makes me happy he’s all for it :) For me, he’s like a link to the real world and can explain common sense things to me in a way I can understand. Very grounding. And he’s super sweet and caring and appreciative and I fall for that over and over again :)

ENFJ: also very caring and supportive and that means a lot to me, really. He has helped me articulate my thoughts and feelings - he actually demanded it, haha - and build confidence. Also a bit weird like me :) We have great talks about music, movies, psychology, relationship dynamics, all things that we’re both interested in. And I can easily tune in to his feelings and act as a barometer and take initiative to listen, hold him or whatever he seems to need - it seems kind of healing for him because he has so much focus on others’ stuff all the time. However, he is very direct and contact-seeking and also expresses most of his wants and needs quite clearly, so in this relationship I often need to step back and check in with myself so I won’t go too much into that.

Anyway, at least in these specific combinations it works out just fine :)
 
@Almisen - Fascinating! It makes a lot of sense that dating such different people would help you understand yourself.
I see how the ENFP's lack of structure (with planning) would rock the boat if you were also dating him at the same time as the ISTJ, too.
 
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