Maintaining Friendships

[Trifoilum]

From the confession thread;

I confess that I am very bad at keeping friends. *sigh*

Whether by neglect, indifference, ignorance, or just plain silence, they don't last very long. Thus I saw them drifting away.
And at least half of it, if not more, wasn't their fault. There is a degree to reaching out, and communication is twofold. Thus I saw them drifting away.
I stayed when I need to, when they need me, but soon enough I begin to dance with my rhythm, and not playing with theirs. Thus I saw them drifting away.
And I did nothing.

I made a similar topic earlier in the last month here, after several days I realized that the problem isn't just..that.
It might be me.

How do you maintain friendships over time? I am talking in terms of years, here. When times changed and people grown and our roads seemed to be separating slowly.....

 

[Free Mind]

I have this 'problem' also. But I have come to accept it. When you gain a true friend you won't split apart. Of course you will both need to put in effort to keep seeing eachother though. I never did that with my friends, I just sat at home and only went out if they rang on my doorbell or called me.

The best way I kept friendships over long periods of time was to have a friend that had a crazy imagination like me. During my school time I had the best friend I could wish for. He was crazy, energetic, had an amazing imagination and wanted to do the same things as me. We always went fishing, had sleepovers and made the most random videos all day long. We went to eachothers houses atleast 4 times a week to do the most random stuff ever. Nowadays I prefer speaking to friends online as it is so much easier for me. I enjoy my alone time more than time with my friends. I may sway on the other side if I manage to find another true friend though.

I think it is incredibly hard for an INFJ to find a friend they can stay friends with for a long period of time for various reasons. Many times I just notice that me and my friends ran out of deep topics to talk about so we simply started falling apart, I hate small talk and mundane jabber so I constantly need to have something 'amazing' to speak about otherwise I see it as a waste of time...

The way I kept friendships was to be kind, give them compliments, come out of my shell more and just try to have random fun. Video making was definately something that kept me and my friends together because the possibilties were only limited by ones imagination.

 

[Galileo]

My best friend and I are having this exact same problem...

the problem is we're both I['s and when we drift apart or don't talk to each other for a long while it's usually because one of us has upset the other and the one who is upset is too afraid to talk about it.

and so we avoid each other and we end up having an argument...but that's besides the point.

I think the key is constant communication, and always be ready to compremise with your friends about things. watch the movie they want to watch half the time, or do things they like doing, don't just back out because it's something you don't like.

that and to choose your friends wisely are the only words of advice I can give.

 

[Agapooka]

This happens to me, too, but I don't see it as a problem.

I will cross paths with people during my life. This doesn't mean that I should force myself to hang on to that.

Plus, I have a few friends who do the same. We don't talk for months and when we meet again, although we have both gone our own ways, we can still express ourselves to each other - perhaps even more effectively than before. It's spontaneous and it's free of this weird and ridiculous burden of trying to freeze something in time. For what? We all change - we all evolve. We weren't all meant to take the same train to the same destination together.

We can cross paths in the present and take in the experience, but we don't have to make the future conform to this present, or the present conform to the past.


Agapooka

 

[soulseeker]

I also have this problem

I don't really keep a very very close set of friends who are very very close friends of each other.. did you get that? ) I mean I have close friends but those friends of mine aren't close with each other ) )

I didn't set it up to be that way it just happened but I found it to be better because that way, when some of my close friends would hang out and talk about things I don't like to talk about, I could just call up my other close friend and talk about other things.

Though, I really enjoy my time alone there are times when they want to go out and watch a movie and go to the mall(I hate malls!! and places with a lot of people) but I have to make that effort to go out and be with them because they're my friends. I have to make an effort to not lose the connection or else our friendship WILL slowly drift apart (which happened to me a lot of times before).

 

[enigma]

I only have one solid friend that has lasted the years - since Kindergarten. The rest come and go. I've come to terms with it, and now see the benefit. I'm tough on ppl, have high standard for them and myself. I don't trust easily if at all. My husband and my Bff. The rest, I am friendly, but I expect nothing. Once I stopped trying to have the socially accepted norm of many friends, let the pressure off myself, i am much happier.

 

[Trifoilum]

I have this 'problem' also. But I have come to accept it. When you gain a true friend you won't split apart. Of course you will both need to put in effort to keep seeing eachother though. I never did that with my friends, I just sat at home and only went out if they rang on my doorbell or called me.

I think it is incredibly hard for an INFJ to find a friend they can stay friends with for a long period of time for various reasons. Many times I just notice that me and my friends ran out of deep topics to talk about so we simply started falling apart, I hate small talk and mundane jabber so I constantly need to have something 'amazing' to speak about otherwise I see it as a waste of time...

The way I kept friendships was to be kind, give them compliments, come out of my shell more and just try to have random fun. Video making was definately something that kept me and my friends together because the possibilties were only limited by ones imagination.

I completely relate to this. Especially the part about having to find something amazing to speak. If not, I considered it small talk; which is often annoying (especially when the topic is something uninteresting like the newest pop culture in town, or something) as necessary as it is.

I think the key is constant communication, and always be ready to compremise with your friends about things. watch the movie they want to watch half the time, or do things they like doing, don't just back out because it's something you don't like.

that and to choose your friends wisely are the only words of advice I can give.

Yeah, it seems to be it. And personally speaking, thanks for the words of advice. It's a nice check against being a subservient doormat. But I agreed that I shouldn't make them bent onto my will either.

This happens to me, too, but I don't see it as a problem.

I will cross paths with people during my life. This doesn't mean that I should force myself to hang on to that.

Plus, I have a few friends who do the same. We don't talk for months and when we meet again, although we have both gone our own ways, we can still express ourselves to each other - perhaps even more effectively than before. It's spontaneous and it's free of this weird and ridiculous burden of trying to freeze something in time. For what? We all change - we all evolve. We weren't all meant to take the same train to the same destination together.

We can cross paths in the present and take in the experience, but we don't have to make the future conform to this present, or the present conform to the past.


Agapooka

I can understand where you're coming from. I guess it differs between person; I don't see it as a problem until recently.

I also have this problem

I don't really keep a very very close set of friends who are very very close friends of each other.. did you get that? ) I mean I have close friends but those friends of mine aren't close with each other ) )

I didn't set it up to be that way it just happened but I found it to be better because that way, when some of my close friends would hang out and talk about things I don't like to talk about, I could just call up my other close friend and talk about other things.

Though, I really enjoy my time alone there are times when they want to go out and watch a movie and go to the mall(I hate malls!! and places with a lot of people) but I have to make that effort to go out and be with them because they're my friends. I have to make an effort to not lose the connection or else our friendship WILL slowly drift apart (which happened to me a lot of times before).

I hope things will be better. I too have that feeling of "ugh, why are they so..uninteresting? I don't want to go. UGH. UUUUGH." So....I don't know. Sometimes that feeling won. The other times the sense of duty won.

I only have one solid friend that has lasted the years - since Kindergarten. The rest come and go. I've come to terms with it, and now see the benefit. I'm tough on ppl, have high standard for them and myself. I don't trust easily if at all. My husband and my Bff. The rest, I am friendly, but I expect nothing. Once I stopped trying to have the socially accepted norm of many friends, let the pressure off myself, i am much happier.

I'm the same, but I guess it's harder to see whether if someone's dependable or not if I don't meet them. The rest, I agreed.

 

[lesad]

I'm an ISFJ. I think to maintain friendships over the years, you just have to be thoughtful to the people you want to keep in touch with by using whatever type of contact would make sense in a particular situation -- such as a card, an email, a phone call, a text, a gift -- anything to let them know you are thinking of them.

For example, remembering them on special occasions, holidays, and at times that might be exciting or hard for them. Examples are contacting them (card, email, or phone call, a text) to say you are thinking of them and hope they have a happy birthday; if they are going to college -- contacting them to say you are thinking of them and wondering how their classes are going; if they just got back from vacation -- contacting them to say you are thinking of them and wondering how it went; if their loved one is in the hospital -- contacting them to let you know you are thinking of them and hope things are ok.

Any type important story on the news that might relate to them that could help them -- such as "I was watching the news and heard their was some bad weather where you and live and hope you are ok" Or, "I was watching the news and it had a segment on about a new medical treatment that might help your cat...(or whatever it is). Or even reminding someone to change their clocks backward or forward for Daylight Savings Time.

It doesn't have to be long conversations, just something to maintain contact.

If you have a friend/family member that likes going out (and you don't for example) - just pick and choose what occasions you will sacrifice and go out -- such as if their favorite holiday is Halloween for example, and they want to go to a costume party, then tell yourself this means a lot to them and you'll go just for them.

I don't think anyone would be offended by someone contacting them to say "I'm thinking of you.." If you're worried you lost contact over the years, no problem, just contact them to say "I have thought of you over the years and are wondering how things have been going...we used to have such nice conversations and I'm thinking of you... " Something like this.

Baking something for someone is thoughtful too.

Just be the "relationship guardian" and things will be ok.

 

[donkeybals]

^^ Good post.

 

[dream echo]

While I do force myself to be social on occasion, I'm not very close with many people. The relationships I have with my husband and children are my main priority, so if a friendship were to interfere with that, it doesn't last.

My best friend outside of my immediate family is someone who I've been friends with since junior high. I believe she's ESFJ, and her persistence in keeping in contact with me is probably the main reason we are still friends.

Keeping up with friendships has always been difficult for me. I consistently test max for introversion in mbti tests, and I've always needed a lot of time to myself. When I'm exhausted from just dealing with my teenagers' drama, I have no energy left or desire for socialization.

I also know I prefer to discuss deep subjects: poetry, philosophy, astrology; things beyond the drudgery of daily existence. I recognize that these interests don't appeal to everyone. But gossip doesn't usually interest me, and tends to wear me out.

I used to wonder why I was so different, and I've tried to be like "everyone else." Well, I'm not, and I've been working on accepting myself. I realize being popular or having many friends just isn't that important to me. I would much rather have a few quality relationships than collect many people to have superficial relationships with. When I feel like I connect with someone, maintaining that relationship is no longer a burden. While it may be a rare occurrence, it's one that is worth the effort.

 

[Gaze]

Keeping up with friendships has always been difficult for me. I consistently test max for introversion in mbti tests, and I've always needed a lot of time to myself. When I'm exhausted from just dealing with my teenagers' drama, I have no energy left or desire for socialization.

I also know I prefer to discuss deep subjects: poetry, philosophy, astrology; things beyond the drudgery of daily existence. I recognize that these interests don't appeal to everyone. But gossip doesn't usually interest me, and tends to wear me out.

I used to wonder why I was so different, and I've tried to be like "everyone else." Well, I'm not, and I've been working on accepting myself. I realize being popular or having many friends just isn't that important to me. I would much rather have a few quality relationships than collect many people to have superficial relationships with. When I feel like I connect with someone, maintaining that relationship is no longer a burden. While it may be a rare occurrence, it's one that is worth the effort.

^This

 

[Jill Hives]

I have difficulties with this. Even when I had more friends, I barely ever called anyone as I hate the phone. I have a couple select people I still talk to every now and then. By every now and then I mean once a month or less. I have one online friend who I have been friends with for over 5 years now that I still talk to maybe 2-3 times a month.

Most of this is because of my current mental state and my life changes. Having a husband and a baby now, most of my friends and I have little in common anymore. If I were mentally healthy right now I would most likely be actively seeking the companionship of others more often than I am now. For now I am content with just my husband and my son. I feel I've sort of resigned myself to this now as my current living situation and life in general doesn't allot much time or opportunity for making new friends.

I think of my old friends often, but rarely seek to make contact. I feel it would be largely pointless now.

I attempted to hang out with a good friend of mine that I have had since the 6th grade, shortly before I had my son, and it was extremely awkward. We watched a movie and then sat staring at the wall wondering what the hell to do with each other. When she responded to the things I said it was as though she were merely humoring me. Maybe this is all in my head, but I doubt it. I think our lives are just too different now.

 

[Trifoilum]

I'm an ISFJ. I think to maintain friendships over the years, you just have to be thoughtful to the people you want to keep in touch with by using whatever type of contact would make sense in a particular situation -- such as a card, an email, a phone call, a text, a gift -- anything to let them know you are thinking of them.

For example, remembering them on special occasions, holidays, and at times that might be exciting or hard for them. Examples are contacting them (card, email, or phone call, a text) to say you are thinking of them and hope they have a happy birthday; if they are going to college -- contacting them to say you are thinking of them and wondering how their classes are going; if they just got back from vacation -- contacting them to say you are thinking of them and wondering how it went; if their loved one is in the hospital -- contacting them to let you know you are thinking of them and hope things are ok.

Any type important story on the news that might relate to them that could help them -- such as "I was watching the news and heard their was some bad weather where you and live and hope you are ok" Or, "I was watching the news and it had a segment on about a new medical treatment that might help your cat...(or whatever it is). Or even reminding someone to change their clocks backward or forward for Daylight Savings Time.

It doesn't have to be long conversations, just something to maintain contact.

If you have a friend/family member that likes going out (and you don't for example) - just pick and choose what occasions you will sacrifice and go out -- such as if their favorite holiday is Halloween for example, and they want to go to a costume party, then tell yourself this means a lot to them and you'll go just for them.

I don't think anyone would be offended by someone contacting them to say "I'm thinking of you.." If you're worried you lost contact over the years, no problem, just contact them to say "I have thought of you over the years and are wondering how things have been going...we used to have such nice conversations and I'm thinking of you... " Something like this.

Baking something for someone is thoughtful too.

Just be the "relationship guardian" and things will be ok.

While I think it's a good tips; I think it has an issue in genuineness; NOT that I'm claiming you or your ways are ingenuine, but I often find myself thinking "....am I doing this because I want to, or because I should?" which, hinders me.

But it's a good post XD

I think our lives are just too different now.

A point to ponder; in one way, difference is a gap separating us from them, but on the other hand, differences is -also- an opportunity in knowing the people and their way of thought better. From the awkwardness resulting (and it has happened to me too) Are we just disconcerted and backing out from the changes happening, dumbstruck by the sudden gap between us and them? Or is there something else?

 

[Artsu Tharaz]

Just don't bother getting any in the first place; save yourself the hassle.