Looking for advice on my INFJ friend! | Page 3 | INFJ Forum

Looking for advice on my INFJ friend!

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by WeirdBeardBob, Sep 7, 2019.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 9 users.
More threads by WeirdBeardBob
  1. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access.

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2010
    Threads:
    129
    Messages:
    4,899
    Featured Threads:
    9
    Likes Received:
    8,681
    Trophy Points:
    877
    MBTI:
    SOCMOB
    Enneagram:
    .
    Well good job putting your needs on the table. We could speculate all day on what her true motivations/intentions are, but I think the most important thing is that you've explored what you really want and also expressed that to her. Even if she is not lying and is having trouble coping with trauma, you won't be stuck in limbo. She may just not be ready for a physical relationship, and you can move on without wondering if there's something more you should have done.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  2. MINFJToothFairy

    MINFJToothFairy Gardener of teeth, human teeth.

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2018
    Threads:
    13
    Messages:
    2,131
    Featured Threads:
    9
    Likes Received:
    11,172
    Trophy Points:
    1,702
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I think she likes you and I think she may have fears of commitment. It seems to me as though her not wanting to meet is indicative of her personal issues. It seems to me that she may have aplenty. It could be that she is afraid of rejection or it could be that she herself has some other issues, potentially posessiveness and anxiety included, that she may need to address. To me, it looks like she may have a lot of growing up to do. For you, it's one thing to like someone, it's another thing to check whether or not you can have a mature relationship with that someone. Everything is a work in progress but there will be no progress if there is no willingness to work to begin with. She may want to work it out with you but it would require her maturity to actually act on working it out with you. At that point, I see that it would be up to you whether or not you want something like that in your life.

    I do think she likes you. Also, before you go on meeting others, I think the kindest thing to do is to properly break up with her. It may not have been an official relationship but the emotional investment requires a clean break. Unless, you both like a messy and complicated moving on strategy.

    You seem to be on a good decision making path though but be kind nonetheless. I am sure she will hurt and perhaps you will too, once you decide to end it.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  3. OP
    WeirdBeardBob

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2019
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    17
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    91
    Trophy Points:
    757
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    INFP
    Thanks for the reply! I agreed with her, when we opened up about having feelings towards each other, we'd let each other know if we ever found out there's someone in our lifes who we'd see as a potential partner. I'm going to stick to that agreement no matter what happens! Even though, even if I end up meeting this new lady, which is going to be casual - as a demisexual it is way too early for me to decide if I'm going to like her as more than friends - I'll let the current lady know, cause I believe that's the fair thing to do!

    I do think she likes me and if she clearly opens up and tells me she'll want to be with me but needs to work out her issues - that's fine. I'll stick by her side and hold her hand as she solves her problems. She is not her trauma, it is not her fault. She deserves love and care. But as long as she's ambiguous and won't tell me straight up what's happening or what I can expect, there's little to nothing I can do AND it's slowly starting to take ME down as well :(
     
  4. MINFJToothFairy

    MINFJToothFairy Gardener of teeth, human teeth.

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2018
    Threads:
    13
    Messages:
    2,131
    Featured Threads:
    9
    Likes Received:
    11,172
    Trophy Points:
    1,702
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    That's nice. It's good whe
    I think everybody deserves love and care. It seems apparent though that she hasn't decided whether or not she deserves to receive that from you. More importantly, she hasn't decided whether or not she wants to receive it from you. You can persuade her, little by little. But it would be better to stay well cautioned because choices like these are really her own.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Daustus likes this.
  5. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2015
    Threads:
    75
    Messages:
    4,926
    Featured Threads:
    23
    Likes Received:
    26,599
    Trophy Points:
    1,831
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    @WeirdBeardBob - I think you should move on.

    What I get from her responses to your heart-felt talk is that she is not accepting you. Even if she likes you, even if her reasons for holding off are legitimate, you deserve more. Meeting face-to-face would not have to mean beginning a physical relationship, and she won't meet with you. She won't open up to you. She shrugs instead of replying.

    A fair warning:
    Whatever problems exist in a new relationship often stick with the relationship and get worse. There are certain little problems like long-distance that can be easily resolved, but even then one person's family will always be far away. If you commit to someone with depression you are committing to the depression, if you commit to someone who suffered trauma you are committing to that trauma, if you commit to someone with an abusive family you are committing to that history, and so forth. How your partner copes and heals with mental health issues matter. If they aren't proactive and choosing healthy paths, that will matter. If she is treating you like this in the beginning, she will continue to exhibit behaviors where she closes you out, won't open up, acts "distant", etc, in the future. It is noble to overlook some big issues in the name of love, but these things can also be a huge burden. I'm not saying never fall in love with complicated people, because we are all complicated in some way or another, but be careful about what you are willing to accept when you enter a new relationship. Whatever you let through your front door will make itself at home. When making these decisions yes, be compassionate toward your friend, but also be compassionate to yourself. Take care of yourself.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
Loading...

Share This Page