Looking for advice on my INFJ friend! | INFJ Forum

Looking for advice on my INFJ friend!

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by WeirdBeardBob, Sep 7, 2019.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 9 users.
More threads by WeirdBeardBob
  1. WeirdBeardBob

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2019
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    17
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    91
    Trophy Points:
    757
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    INFP
    Hey y'all! People of the beautiful interwebs!

    I've been reading these forums for quite a while (literally, over a year) but never actually got into it, I figured it was time to finally register and look for input on something that has been going on for quite a while:

    Let me start with a bit of info about myself. I am an INxP (My x basically swaps from T to F and back every few weeks) and while I'm aware the personality type is not necessarily 100% accurate, I DID find myself to usually be attracted to INFJ and INFPs.

    Either way; my latest INFJ, I met her nearly 9 months ago on a dating site, sent her a message and we instantly started talking. Long, huge ass messages, combining small talk with deep input and humour. I personally loved it, and I believed she did too - mind you, I still do! Sidenote; she lives about 50 minutes by train away from me.

    About a month later we finally exchanged phone numbers and moved on on Whatsapp. We've been chatting there - daily, for 8 months nearly. Daily chats, no skipped days at all. We have this thing where we send each other a daily good morning/good night as well - even if we haven't necessarily been talking during the evening, we'll still send a good night message when either of us heads to bed. This too, has continued for 8 months straight and only a few days were skipped (usually one of us being too tired, just falling asleep hehe).

    Either way, right from the beginning I told her I was looking to make friends, but as a demisexual, I couldn't promise I'd want more than that. However, those friends I'm looking to make - I want to be able to hang out with them face to face. She liked that idea and continued talking with me. However, she did point out she'd need quite some time.

    Two months in I asked her if she was interested in hanging out, but she told me she wasn't quite ready yet; fair enough.

    Eventually, I did catch feelings for her, through our deep, enjoyable and fun daily chats, but also the way she shows appreciation and actually makes me feel like she cares, I can tell I'm really into her at this point.

    Some pointers:
    - Over the months I did talk with other girls every now and then and she gets jealous over the idea of me meeting up with them; she tells me I should meet with them if I want to but she feels weird/jealous about it. (Sidenote; I'm not attempting to make her jealous, we basically just share a lot of stuff so when I have an interesting encounter; I tell her about those as well).
    - She's opened up to me about quite a bit of private stuff. She's told me about her trauma's, about her issues, her insecurities, and such.
    - If I don't message her good morning on a day where she sleeps in (could be anything, running late for work and in the rush forgetting to send her a good morning) she'll ask if I'm okay. If I go quiet for a long amount of time during the day she asks if I'm okay, as well. "I'm just wondering if you're doing alright! You're usually not this quiet!".
    - She told me she sees me as a person she could spend the rest of her life with.
    - She'll ask me how my day's been, how I'm feeling.
    - She'll remember things that bugged me (work stuff for example) and asks me for updates on these.
    - I've got myself some mental problems, I used to be suicidal for a bit (even though I met her after I got help and got rid of the suicidal thoughts); after a few months she asked if I wanted to add her to my suicide-contact-plan, cause she wants to make sure I remember she's available when I'm doing bad.
    - She cracks silly jokes and shares memes quite a lot.
    - She continuously reassures me that I'm really the "only one" she's interested in and sees as a potential partner for life.

    However, it's been nearly 9 months now and I've yet to see her face to face. She says she's not ready yet and doesn't know how long it'll be before she will be ready. I talked to my psychologist about her as well, and he told me that her behaviour seems completely normal with the trauma she's been through. However, I'm looking for some input from another point of view.

    What do you lot think she might think of me? Do YOU think there's a chance she'll eventually get ready? Or is she really just keeping me around for attention?

    TL:DR
    - Been talking daily, haven't missed a day, with an INFJ girl, online, for nearly 9 months - she says she has feelings for me but isn't sure "what she wants" just yet. She says she's not ready to meet up yet; due to traumas holding her back. Talked about it with my therapist - says her behaviour is normal with the trauma she's been trough. Can it be she really is into me or is she just keeping me around for my attention?

    Feel free to ask for additional information!
     
  2. Daustus

    Daustus Probably Real.

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2019
    Threads:
    5
    Messages:
    1,118
    Featured Threads:
    3
    Likes Received:
    6,550
    Trophy Points:
    1,122
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Secret Hideout
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    It feels to me like she probably exclusively talks to you and you guys seem like you are in an emotional relationship. I don't know the trauma she's been through nor do I want to pry, but I would say that shes into you and I would think she would want to meet up.

    Do you two talk about future goals? Plans? I haven't been in the dating game for over 10 years (Married to a lovely INTJ woman) but I only ever talked to people like you describe if they were my romantic interest and I only kept romantic interests around if I saw it going somewhere.

    Problem I'm seeing is whether it'll meet your needs and timeline. As an INFJ I would want exclusivity in the relationship to really invest.
     
  3. Hostarius

    Hostarius Magniloquent Malapert

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2018
    Threads:
    26
    Messages:
    8,014
    Featured Threads:
    12
    Likes Received:
    59,118
    Trophy Points:
    4,032
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    UK, a part of the EU
    MBTI:
    INTJ
    Enneagram:
    1w2
    Be careful. Is there anything about her story that doesn't add up?

    What country are you in?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  4. OP
    WeirdBeardBob

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2019
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    17
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    91
    Trophy Points:
    757
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    INFP
    Thanks for the quick reply!

    As I'm rather anonymous here I'm fine with sharing a bit of a bigger picture regarding the trauma, which involves abuse including rape - and next to that a relationship with a narcissist.

    She does say she talks to other people, but they come and go, she says I'm the only one she sees in "such a way", however, and has been saying that for the past 6 months. However, for me with borderline, where fear of abandonment/rejection is huge, it gets scary at times. I try to just trust her on her word, but sometimes my thoughts get the best of me "If she really does like me; she'd have met up with me already", "She's just chatting with others till she meets someone better than me" and so on! Hearing, from another INFJ that exclusivity is a big thing (which previous INFJs have proven to me as well) is a great way for me to realise that she's most likely speaking the truth all this time!

    We jokingly talked about the future, how we'd settle in a nice appartment with our kids and pets, with a fake fireplace, as she's afraid to fire, and all. Next to that we made a google docs list "Of awesome things we'll do on our dates" and we made this meme where she only likes green candy, and as a joke I'm saving all of my green candy in a jar to eventually give to her. But the romantic interest part! That's the thing, I really get the feeling that she's into me; she's even said that my feelings for her are mutual. When I told her at some point that we talk and act like we're emotionally connected, as AT LEAST very good friends she agreed with me. She brought up how she really thinks I'd be a good match for her. Yet, when I ask her straight up if she has feelings for me or something alike, she's really ambiguous about it. (Note: fear of commitment has been something we talked about in the past and she said she does recognise quite a lot of the symptoms).
     
  5. OP
    WeirdBeardBob

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2019
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    17
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    91
    Trophy Points:
    757
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    INFP
    Her and I are both located in the Netherlands.

    Her stories seem to all add up perfectly fine, besides the part, where in my head, it doesn't make sense when she tells me she sees a future with me by her side; she says my feelings are mutual, yet she won't meet up/hang out with me - But as I mentioned in my post, previous trauma's DO come into play and I should keep that in mind at all times :)
     
  6. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access.

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2010
    Threads:
    129
    Messages:
    4,899
    Featured Threads:
    9
    Likes Received:
    8,691
    Trophy Points:
    877
    MBTI:
    SOCMOB
    Enneagram:
    .
    @WeirdBeardBob

    Yeah sexual trauma is pretty significant in and of itself, and assuming that it was from the narcissistic partner, I’m not surprised if she’s skittish.

    On the other hand I would also be chomping at the bit (getting impatient) after 9 months when getting along so well. It sounds like the best possible kind of long-distance relationship in the meantime, but that has its limits when you are yearning for physical proximity and intimacy.

    I may have missed it in an earlier post, but have you put it out there that you want to be in a real-life (in terms of proximity) relationship with her?

    What would you consider to be your time limit as far as waiting if she is unable to give you a solid answer?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  7. Daustus

    Daustus Probably Real.

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2019
    Threads:
    5
    Messages:
    1,118
    Featured Threads:
    3
    Likes Received:
    6,550
    Trophy Points:
    1,122
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Secret Hideout
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I'd be in the same boat but have no trauma or prior relationship with a narcissistic partner.

    I too would specifically mention wanting to be in a real, defined relationship. Same question as SD here.
     
  8. OP
    WeirdBeardBob

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2019
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    17
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    91
    Trophy Points:
    757
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    INFP
    Oh, the narcissistic partner and the sexual trauma aren't related - the abuser and the narcissist are different people!

    I AM getting a bit impatient, yes! Like, I'm starting to wonder like "Why don't we just meet up and see how things work out?", but no luck!

    My time limit has basically already run out, but I'm not specifically looking for a relationship; however, if I do meet someone else who catches my interest, my attention might shift to the new person.

    To answer the question from both of you:

    I did mention it, also that I'd at least want to be friends. However, her answer is "I just don't know :( I shut down when I think about things". Fear of commitment hops into my mind at these moments - which, like I mentioned in the initial post, is something we talked about and she does recognise the symptoms.
     
  9. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access.

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2010
    Threads:
    129
    Messages:
    4,899
    Featured Threads:
    9
    Likes Received:
    8,691
    Trophy Points:
    877
    MBTI:
    SOCMOB
    Enneagram:
    .
    Hmm. Seems like she really needs physical separation to feel safe right now.

    What particularly are you looking for?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  10. OP
    WeirdBeardBob

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2019
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    17
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    91
    Trophy Points:
    757
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    INFP
    I'm honestly just looking for friendship; someone I can meet up with and hang out with, possibly including other friends. But in her case; I grew feelings for her and I'm willing AND enthusiastic to see where an actual romantic relationship could go
     
  11. acd

    acd Well-known member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2009
    Threads:
    136
    Messages:
    12,804
    Featured Threads:
    8
    Likes Received:
    16,741
    Trophy Points:
    1,227
    Location:
    Big sky
    MBTI:
    infp
    Enneagram:
    9w8 sp/sx
    I don't think it's fair that she is living out a relationship online/over phone with you but can't say when she will be ready to meet. To me, it doesn't add up that you guys have pseudo date plans together and "jokingly" talk about a future and she has no intention to meet after all that time and everything that you've discussed sharing. If it is due to her trauma that's still not fair to you because there is a romantic element to it. And you're just expected to hang around until she works it out..
    And if you message her later than expected she has to check in. Seems kinda controlling. So to me that's strange as well as her telling you she's jealous if you talk to other girls though she shows no intention of meeting you. It's like she's living out a fantasy with you. This may not be a popular take but I wonder if you are being catfished. Have you guys Skyped or shared pics?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #11 acd, Sep 7, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2019
  12. l4sc5_

    Banned

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Threads:
    4
    Messages:
    1,336
    Featured Threads:
    4
    Likes Received:
    2,115
    Trophy Points:
    1,187
    i wouldn't put up with this
     
  13. l4sc5_

    Banned

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Threads:
    4
    Messages:
    1,336
    Featured Threads:
    4
    Likes Received:
    2,115
    Trophy Points:
    1,187
    if you like her and want more, be bold enough to ask her on a date

    if she says no, move on, politely and like a gentlemen

    at this point it really is or it isn't--i don't know how much more rapport building you could possibly be trying to achieve when the gains for that are marginal and not guaranteed long term
     
  14. l4sc5_

    Banned

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Threads:
    4
    Messages:
    1,336
    Featured Threads:
    4
    Likes Received:
    2,115
    Trophy Points:
    1,187
    just tell her exactly that

    hey, i really like you, i was just looking for friends, and as we've built that up, i'd like to see if there is more there and where it goes

    are you up for that?
     
  15. OP
    WeirdBeardBob

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2019
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    17
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    91
    Trophy Points:
    757
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    INFP
    It's not like she's controlling me or checking in on me; but if I don't message her the entire day she feels worried if something's happened to me (she's aware that I have a mental disorder) and she checks in on me to see if I'm doing okay. If I say "Yes" she'll just be like "Sweet, just checking :)". She isn't asking me WHY I am quiet or what I'm up to, so I don't feel like that's controlling at all! :)
    Many pictures have gone around, often she's saying she's doing x and I joke "Pics or didn't happen" and she sends me a picture of herself doing x. Besides that, I have her on all social media, so unless she's working a huge elaborate scheme, I doubt she's catfishing me :)

    I have asked her on a date, in June, to be precise, she said yes and that's also the same day she first admitted to having feelings for me. She then also told me that even though she wants to go on a date with me, she's scared and worried cause she's not quite ready and she's afraid I'll move on before she's got her problems sorted out.

    I've told her this; and she gave me the same answer: Yes, she wants to give it a try, but she isn't ready yet due to her traumas. She says she's working on things and hoping to figure it all out soon.

    The issue is that on one hand I want to believe her so bad, trust her on working things out and eventually we'll get together and it might, or might not be, the most amazing match I've ever been in. However, I also am very well aware that as I wait and wait, she might just find someone else and move on, leaving me waiting for almost a year with no conclusion at all, which is a possibility I really fear.
     
  16. JustPhil

    Donor

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2019
    Threads:
    4
    Messages:
    214
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    796
    Trophy Points:
    862
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Well I just looked up demisexual and thought well there's me in a nutshell!

    As for the situation I would think she is simply "content" with how things are playing out currently. By that I mean she doesn't have to move out of her comfort zone at all and as such she won't. She is quite happy with how things are right now. She has the emotional intimacy she wants without the risks associated with physical contact. Most people if they don't have to move out of their comfort zone won't. They'll take the easy road.

    I think you need to communicate openly about the need to make physical contact eventually. Start discussing and agree upon a plan for how to get to that point. What steps you can both agree upon that will end up with both of you meeting in a predefined time frame. Trust is a hard nut to crack .. she seems to have trusted you emotionally so that's a positive. :)

    If she isn't willing to keep progressing once you've agreed then you really need to think about your own emotional and physical health at that point.
     
  17. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2015
    Threads:
    76
    Messages:
    5,026
    Featured Threads:
    23
    Likes Received:
    27,186
    Trophy Points:
    1,956
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Hello @WeirdBeardBob

    There are a few things going on here that caught my eye.

    One is that it is strange for her to avoid meeting you IRL after such a lengthy and deep connection. That is a potential red flag about who and what she truly is. She could be lying about something or hiding something.

    On the other hand, INFJs typically seek committed relationships and grow very attached to the person they love. (Not all INFJs, but it is common.) You are demi-sexual and you have been talking and meeting up with other people while also talking with the INFJ. This may be a red flag for her. If this is the case, she is holding off meeting you because she is worried about falling deeply in love with someone who will not give her the type of relationship she needs. INFJs do this thing where they pull back or hold back if they sense something is "wrong".
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  18. Hostarius

    Hostarius Magniloquent Malapert

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2018
    Threads:
    26
    Messages:
    8,014
    Featured Threads:
    12
    Likes Received:
    59,118
    Trophy Points:
    4,032
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    UK, a part of the EU
    MBTI:
    INTJ
    Enneagram:
    1w2
    I trust Asa's gut.

    For me it's the 'I'm not ready because of x' rationalisations that are fishy. It sounds like what happened to @Ren.

    I'm sorry I'm not commenting on the minutia of this, but the red flags are too prominent for me.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    MINFJToothFairy, Daustus and Ren like this.
  19. OP
    WeirdBeardBob

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2019
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    17
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    91
    Trophy Points:
    757
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    INFP
    She might be content, I'm not sure! She's really worried about me moving on to someone else while she's "mentally not ready to meet me face to face", and as far as I know, she feels sad about this quite a lot.

    This is probably the best answer I've gotten so far and it seems reasonable! She keeps saying "she's not ready yet", she's aware of my needs to meet people face to face so I feel like it'd be appropriate to discuss with her "How we can get to the point for her to be ready" and how I'm willing to help her get there, at her own pace. That I'm fine waiting and giving her time, as long as she shows she's working towards it/making progress. Thanks for the reply!

    She might be lying, or hiding something, I can't really know, I think! Makes me wonder what exactly it is she could be hiding though. Like, she's honest and gives me updates on what she's up to if she's unable to chat a lot during the day, she even sends me pictures and selfies to back these things up. At some point I thought maybe she is living with someone, hiding a relationship, but then we exchanged addresses and we sent each other small gifts when either of us is going through a rough time. A potential partner must've noticed she's been getting gifts from someone, so I doubt that'd be it!

    As for the latter part of your reply; first of all, I'd like to say that for me demi-sexual means that can not be sexually attracted to someone before I create a deep, emotional, connection with them. That doesn't mean that I can't develop feelings for someone after 4 months of literally daily chatting (my feelings started really showing up about 3 to 4 months into our daily conversations). I also never said I'm talking about meeting with people; but the IDEA of me meeting others (that's thoughts SHE creates in her head, not me), makes her feel jealous. She's not saying I couldn't meet others if I wanted to, I never said I'm looking to meet others, but the thought of it is scary to her.
    Like 3 months ago I went to a festival and at a certain band, a random girl started dancing with me and eventually tried to kiss me. That was a big deal to me as that's totally not my kind of thing, and I told her about that encounter. She literally told me she was jealous over the idea that a random girl nearly got to kiss me. Besides that, I recently got a new job and I mentioned some of the colleagues; including female colleagues, she shows worries about me possibly moving on with one of them, to which I reassured her that nothing like that is happening.

    What you said in the last part does seem to make a lot of sense; she might be scared to fall in love with the wrong person. Short summary:
    -Her parents were emotionally unavailable during her childhood, often fighting, often blaming her
    -Her relationships, she is against defining them as actual relationships as she's felt used and abused during those.
    -One of her relationships was a narcissistic partner who only ever cared about his own needs and threw her in the trash when she broke down and wasn't "useful" anymore.
    -A guy she thought was interesting and met up with once, suddenly started stalking her - literally following her to her house, waiting outside her appartment and other stuff (Yes, police has been notified but apparently they're unable to really do anything as for now), this is still going on.
    So it makes perfect sense that she's afraid to fall in love and get hurt badly again - and if that's what is really going on, I'll give her all the hecking time she needs :)

    Could you give me a quick summary of what happened to Ren? I'm not sure if I've read anything about that during my time lurking here! D:
    It does seem like a red flag at first, but she's showed me screenshots of conversations, voice messages, and all that kind of stuff, when she was opening up about these things, I just can't help but believe her. Either it's real or it's a huge elaborate scheme to trick me into giving her attention, but her staying in touch for all this time, actively conversing as well (it's not a one-sided conversation or anything) feels like way too much effort to just be in it for the attention!

    It's a rough situation after all. I guess from reading all the answers and answering them in here I came to the following conclusion:

    I'm looking for face-to-face connection, friends (/or more) to have fun and make memories with.
    What I need from her is:
    - Confirmation/explanation on why she isn't ready yet. (Is she afraid of commitment? Is she afraid to fall in love due to traumas?)
    - I'd like her to show that she's progressing towards "being ready", with which I'm willing to help.
    If she is able to do that for me, I feel like I'll be fine giving her time and waiting for her.
     
    MINFJToothFairy, Ren and Hostarius like this.
  20. Hostarius

    Hostarius Magniloquent Malapert

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2018
    Threads:
    26
    Messages:
    8,014
    Featured Threads:
    12
    Likes Received:
    59,118
    Trophy Points:
    4,032
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    UK, a part of the EU
    MBTI:
    INTJ
    Enneagram:
    1w2
    I summoned @Ren in here because it's his story to tell, though he's been public about it. The problem is that I know too many details and can't remember which have been made known and which not, so I wouldn't be comfortable relating it too deeply.

    However, basically what happened is your story (except they were in an online relationship), even including the 'traumas', and it did turn out to be an elaborate scheme for attention (or something) once her house of lies collapsed.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    MINFJToothFairy, Daustus and Ren like this.
Loading...

Share This Page