Letting People In

[RosesAndViolets]

Hello!

I am a person who prefers to have very few close friends, as I am not a fan of knowing many people on a surface level. But even with the close few, I find it's sometimes challenging to let them in. I'm just an extremely private person. I don't see it as a bad thing.

I'm wondering about your personal experiences with becoming close to people. How have you found it goes for you? If it is something you don't do much, have you always been that way? What do you think the effects are of being this way about your close relationships?

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

Let me in

 

[PintoBean]

Hello!

I am a person who prefers to have very few close friends, as I am not a fan of knowing many people on a surface level. But even with the close few, I find it's sometimes challenging to let them in. I'm just an extremely private person. I don't see it as a bad thing.

I'm wondering about your personal experiences with becoming close to people. How have you found it goes for you? If it is something you don't do much, have you always been that way? What do you think the effects are of being this way about your close relationships?

I haven't always been so extremely that way, but it's gotten more so with age. If you are young, I encourage you to keep your social options open and try to form relationships and connections with people. I regret that I let actual friendship and opportunities wither on the vine. It gets increasingly hard to form these connections and it gets increasingly lonely not to have them. Introversion and selectivity are good, but definitely keep options.

 

[Poetic Justice]

Four quarters are better than a hundred pennies

 

[Gaze]

As a young adult, I opened myself to quite a few. That was a bad decision. Wasn't emotionally ready to handle it all. Later on, I learned the importance of selectivity. Agree with @PintoBean, that yes, you don't want to restrict your social circle too much, because you could miss out on amazing friendships. At the same time, not everyone needs to be privy to the more private aspects of your self. Protect those parts of your personality, and share only with those who've earned your respect and trust. Don't give yourself away too casually as I did, only to have it exploited, disregarded, or demeaned. Protect your heart and spirit. However, be open enough to people to get to know them on their own terms, so that you can truly see them for who they are, to appreciate the differences between you and them, while also gauging whether they are worth share your world with. Not everyone will appreciate what they see when you let them in. You may not learn this ahead of time. Experience teaches, sometimes painfully. However, don't miss out on great experiences getting to know people. Just keep in mind that not everyone who seems to be a great person is a going to be a great friend. Some people are good to have as acquaintances or contacts, but nothing more. Others are worthy of more, but it may take a while to learn the difference between the two. All the best!

 

[KorJax]

As a young adult, I opened myself to quite a few. That was a bad decision. Wasn't emotionally ready to handle it all. Later on, I learned the importance of selectivity. Agree with @PintoBean, that yes, you don't want to restrict your social circle too much, because you could miss out on amazing friendships. At the same time, not everyone needs to be privy to the more private aspects of your self. Protect those parts of your personality, and share only with those who've earned your respect and trust. Don't give yourself away too casually as I did, only to have it exploited, disregarded, or demeaned. Protect your heart and spirit. However, be open enough to people to get to know them on their own terms, so that you can truly see them for who they are, to appreciate the differences between you and them, while also gauging whether they are worth share your world with. Not everyone will appreciate what they see when you let them in. You may not learn this ahead of time. Experience teaches, sometimes painfully. However, don't miss out on great experiences getting to know people. Just keep in mind that not everyone who seems to be a great person is a going to be a great friend. Some people are good to have as acquaintances or contacts, but nothing more. Others are worthy of more, but it may take a while to learn the difference between the two. All the best!

A hard lesson I've learned this past year.

I've always been very open, as a means to get over the fact that I simply don't make a lot of friends and want to "skip the bullshit". When I was growing up I had a big issue with being entirely too closed to everyone, which meant that I never could connect with people the way I wanted to, and never felt like I had any real friends. I was too afraid to be myself around others, basically. Insecure. College came around and I opened myself up a lot. It turned out better, and taught me key social skills I never got to experience growing up. Met someone who I can really say is my best friend.

But eventually you are gonna open up to someone who you really shouldn't, and you are going to trust them on this deeper level when they will exploit it or never reciprocate. Being too open isn't so much bad because people knowingly take advantage of it, but it is bad because you expose yourself in a way that you almost certainly cannot handle when it doesn't work out the way you want. Turns out being overly-sappy INFJ's who take their relationships/connections/friendships way more seriously than anyone else on the planet is a really soul destroying thing when you try to be as open as everyone else.

There is a balance to be learned for sure. It is so easy to get burned when you try to connect with people who end up being that one person that throws off your INFJ-bullshit-detector enough to let you invest in them when there was nothing to invest towards in reality. Or maybe the idea of investing into anyone is silly in the first place, and I am being open for the wrong reasons. Both are likely true.

 

[just me]

I learned how stupid I was early in life by being so distant from others. I also learned how stupid I felt when letting someone in that did not belong there. I think it is a balancing act up to each individual. The scales never balanced for me. I let people go I wish I hadn't, I let people in I wish I hadn't, mistakenly overlooked someone that was right in front of me I will never forget because of my reasoning, and was hurt by those I thought to be close friends.

I could be myself with someone I just met that was leaving the next day. Those were some of my most cherished moments.

I let a very few close to me where I could talk about things comfortably, but most of them were older and are now gone. They still carry me in the night, and fish with me in my thoughts. The pain of their loss will not go away.

I was hesitant to tell young ladies how I felt or what I thought. The first one I opened up to was on a vacation and I still think of her 50+ years later.

My advice? Try to be equally yoked as much as possible for any lasting relationships. If you are smart and the people you are hanging out with are not so, don't let that stop your learning and brilliance. Push on for yourself. In doing so, you may find yourself among others you may need to be around. Strive for the things that allow you to excel, and never look down on others.