INTJ Husband refuses professional help

[QuirkyLemonFlower]

Sorry you guys are going through this.

Is there someone he knows and trusts that could talk to him about this?

I'm confused by the fact you're saying your relationship is happy 'apart from' this huge thing. If it is a huge thing then I struggle to understand how you can really be happy. (I don't mean to sound insensitive). It seems to me the way to go about this would be to precisely tell him you are not happy, but unhappy. Make sure he understands that this is not all about him; it's also about you. You don't need to, and shouldn't threaten him, but if you tell him you're unhappy and he does nothing about it, then the relationship is in serious trouble. On the other hand if you tell him you're overall happy then he might unconsciously underestimate the problem.

I get the feeling the communication isn't great between you guys at the moment, so this is probably the place to start.

Sorry you guys are going through this.

Is there someone he knows and trusts that could talk to him about this?

I'm confused by the fact you're saying your relationship is happy 'apart from' this huge thing. If it is a huge thing then I struggle to understand how you can really be happy. (I don't mean to sound insensitive). It seems to me the way to go about this would be to precisely tell him you are not happy, but unhappy. Make sure he understands that this is not all about him; it's also about you. You don't need to, and shouldn't threaten him, but if you tell him you're unhappy and he does nothing about it, then the relationship is in serious trouble. On the other hand if you tell him you're overall happy then he might unconsciously underestimate the problem.

I get the feeling the communication isn't great between you guys at the moment, so this is probably the place to start.

So generally we are happy together, we have no issues overall and everything is ok. But due to recent events that is out of our control it's affected me emotionally, physically and mentally and even I'm doing ok and taking each day as it comes, I have my moments where I can't deal with things. However, my husband has been having these bursts of anger for a while now and normally I can deal with it but right now in my eyes it seems to be worse when I don't need him to be angry all the time I need him to be supporting me. I wish I could bring my self to say what happened, some may have deduced what happened but I don't feel comfortable at all saying it out loud to the world.

We are ok and it's only right now I feel like I'm being dismissed or I'm reading him wrong and I just want to understand that is all.

I don't know what more I can say.

 

[QuirkyLemonFlower]

Perhaps alternatively you can seek advice from a professional (even online) on how to approach him, because there still might be this perspective of his inability to open up to you, especially if he might feel anger for failing to support you. I hope you find the way and the language to talk this through

I might try this, you are right.

 

[Reason]

I don't have any close INTJ in my life to talk from that view, but you said that you otherwise have a stable and happy relationship - have you thought that perhaps he does empathize with what you are going through yourself, but that his anger comes from his personal frustration with himself, due to his inability to process his own feelings and gives you the emotional support you now need.
Obviously, he does have a history of anger issues and as someone said previously, this is probably related to high expectations he sets for himself.
You said yourself that he wants everything to be perfect - so, then feeling as though he is failing you now might be worsening his rage. It could also be even a stronger reason for his shut down (especially if you keep asking him what's bothering him - maybe that's why it would be truly better he sees a therapist).
Maybe I am way off the course, but have you thought of thinking from his perspective?

I was going to write something like this. I wondered if he was frustrated about the traumatic incident and feeling like he failed OP. Unfortunately I'm at work rn so you beat me to it

 

[Reason]

I think I'll have another very open and honest conversation with him and remind him that he needs to tell me what's going on and I need to find out where I'm going wrong and how I can fix it.

I think that's a sensible idea, communication is key. I hope he responds well and you two can sort it out soon

 

[MoonFlier]

The thing about INFJ/INTJ relationships is that INFJs are anger averse and INTJs don't understand how to display their feelings (or truly just don't give a fuck) so they disrupt in that way.

It's kind of funny.

Getting mad at every little thing makes a lot of sense when you really think about it.
This world is fucked.

INTJs will schedule a meeting to go over their list of items that need to be fixed.
INFJs will worry themselves to death over how to approach a single issue.

A healthy INTJ/INFJ relationship will have the INTJ talking and not bottling it all up and the INFJ not working up ulcers.

In my opinion though, these anger outbursts don't sound like they have anything to do specifically with an INTJ type. I have known ISTP and INFJ males who also do the same. It's more a testosterone thing.

@QuirkyLemonFlower , Did the two of you get married very young? It seems more like immaturity.

 

[Wildfire]

To the extent that personality type is involved...

I know IxTJ individuals who made it their mission to become comfortable with and manage their emotional well-being once they became aware of just how illogical it was to believe that emotion can just be set aside and ignored without consequence. Once they understood that emotions were inescapable, and that they had the ability to impact their thought process, influence their actions, and even ruin their lives, they embraced the process as rational, necessary action needed to regain some control. So there’s hope in that.

And when you describe how things are but emphasize the fact that you don’t want to be the one responsible for the emotional health of the relationship I see hope in that too. I suspect you might have some habits to break, but they’re the same habits many of us INFJs have to break, and you seem highly motivated to do so.

I really hope you guys will be able to work things out.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

@QuirkyLemonFlower Just remember that what you're doing here, venting and talking to us - searching for solutions and affirming your bond - is you fighting for your marriage while protecting yourself at the same time.

You seem to have stepped back from the brink of delivering ultimatums and placing all the 'work' and 'improvement' upon his shoulders, instead choosing to fight for what's important to you both and find mutual solutions.

I've no doubt that you can get through this, and that your instinct to talk about it was the right thing.

Good luck, Quirky, I'll be rooting for you both <3

 

[QuirkyLemonFlower]

INTJs will schedule a meeting to go over their list of items that need to be fixed.
INFJs will worry themselves to death over how to approach a single issue.

A healthy INTJ/INFJ relationship will have the INTJ talking and not bottling it all up and the INFJ not working up ulcers.

In my opinion though, these anger outbursts don't sound like they have anything to do specifically with an INTJ type. I have known ISTP and INFJ males who also do the same. It's more a testosterone thing.

@QuirkyLemonFlower , Did the two of you get married very young? It seems more like immaturity.

No we got married quite late.

We have a more or less healthy relationship but it does need working on and I have to be patient and accept it may take time and not to give up too easily but due to the trauma I've had recently it's like this situation may either make us or break us. Only time will tell.

 

[QuirkyLemonFlower]

To the extent that personality type is involved...

I know IxTJ individuals who made it their mission to become comfortable with and manage their emotional well-being once they became aware of just how illogical it was to believe that emotion can just be set aside and ignored without consequence. Once they understood that emotions were inescapable, and that they had the ability to impact their thought process, influence their actions, and even ruin their lives, they embraced the process as rational, necessary action needed to regain some control. So there’s hope in that.

And when you describe how things are but emphasize the fact that you don’t want to be the one responsible for the emotional health of the relationship I see hope in that too. I suspect you might have some habits to break, but they’re the same habits many of us INFJs have to break, and you seem highly motivated to do so.

I really hope you guys will be able to work things out.

We will work things out but as I said in the post above this situation has put us in a state where neither of us know how to go about it for each other. I know what my habits are and yes I'm determined to fix them if it saves my marriage.

Thank you for you the advice!

 

[QuirkyLemonFlower]

@QuirkyLemonFlower Just remember that what you're doing here, venting and talking to us - searching for solutions and affirming your bond - is you fighting for your marriage while protecting yourself at the same time.

You seem to have stepped back from the brink of delivering ultimatums and placing all the 'work' and 'improvement' upon his shoulders, instead choosing to fight for what's important to you both and find mutual solutions.

I've no doubt that you can get through this, and that your instinct to talk about it was the right thing.

Good luck, Quirky, I'll be rooting for you both <3

I just needed a safe place to vent out my thoughts where no one knows me and to see what are the response, also as I said I posted this for my own sanity, let's say like an online live journal.

I must admit coming here does help, I needed a place to vent and to process all my thoughts. Also my original post was filled with anger, frustration and emotions and since airing everything I'm thinking it has calmed me down and I've managed to put things into persecutive. I know what I need to do and then take it from there!

Also as I said my wanting to divorce my husband was just on my mind not something I want to say to him, but saying that the situation we are in has deflated my husband. He has hopes and the recent events kinda crashed them a little.

 

[CanadianLioness]

Hello all

I hope you're safe and well

This is a post asking for advice but really I just need to vent out as my head is going to explode.

I've been married for over 3 years now and things have been good, we've had some obstacles come our way but we've managed to get through them. This is like any other marriage I guess. However, recently I experienced a very traumatic situation, which really broke my heart and this is really changing me as a person. My husband on the other hand has come across as extremely angry and not thinking at all of my ordeal and what I'm going through. I really feel like my feelings aren't being taken into consideration at all. I seriously think he has a disorder related to child anger (I can't remember the specific name at this moment in time) and I've been mentioning he needs to speak to a professional because even though he has never projected his anger towards me and wouldn't dare to (I've told him from the moment we met I'll kick his ass if he tries to mess with me) he seriously needs professional help. However, his response is he believes he thinks he can fix himself and his anger. But there are many things which I never really noticed until now that he to not be grateful for. Now I've had my fair share of really bad to horrible experiences throughout my life so I tend to be more grateful for the small things in life and more able to deal with any mishaps. Whereas my husband has never dealt with terrible ordeals such as loss of a loved one for example so when it came to my ordeal he is unable to know what to do even though I keep telling him and explaining to him what I am going through.
Like any INFJ, I do shut my feelings down and I can see myself doing this to him even though I'm trying not to. But in my mind I'm thinking I'm giving this guy three months and if he doesn't fix up, he is out. But I love my husband and asides from this anger issue we are happy.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore now, I'm in this predicament of confused feelings, how can I persuade my husband to seek advice without threatening him? I've only ever once in our relationship told him I'll leave him due to something else and it really shook him but I don't want to be using this as an excuse every time shit hits the fan.

Hello Hello,
I am probably late to the discussion and my input may already have been mentioned. I know times are hard all around in regards to Covid-19 and self quarantene. I would like to ask if you both would consider therapy (at this point maybe it might need to be in the comfort of your own home via zoom or another platform). I am not sure if it is still offered but I believe the access Taraji P Henson had some free counselling/therapy for people that she mentioned on CNN. He sounds a bit like an ex of mine. When we were good we were really really good..and when he got in his feelings, (and he too had a disorder that I pegged but he was in denial about) he would just blow up. And each time he blew up over something small it was really hard to reheal from. I can tell you love him and you want it to work otherwise you wouldn't be out here asking for some insight. If you find you cannot get a word in edgewise sometimes it helps to just write a letter. Because most people are curious and really want to see what is said. And therefore he would have no choice but to read everything from top to bottom. You can get all your feelings out...start with all the good things, in the middle explain the issues and near the tail end express your relationship goals together or your future you see with each other and the road to get there which is through therapy or better communication. You an also try ordering some couples games off Amazon to help have fun communicating through a game.

Hoping something I said helps.
*Big hugs*

 

[QuirkyLemonFlower]

Hello Hello,
I am probably late to the discussion and my input may already have been mentioned. I know times are hard all around in regards to Covid-19 and self quarantene. I would like to ask if you both would consider therapy (at this point maybe it might need to be in the comfort of your own home via zoom or another platform). I am not sure if it is still offered but I believe the access Taraji P Henson had some free counselling/therapy for people that she mentioned on CNN. He sounds a bit like an ex of mine. When we were good we were really really good..and when he got in his feelings, (and he too had a disorder that I pegged but he was in denial about) he would just blow up. And each time he blew up over something small it was really hard to reheal from. I can tell you love him and you want it to work otherwise you wouldn't be out here asking for some insight. If you find you cannot get a word in edgewise sometimes it helps to just write a letter. Because most people are curious and really want to see what is said. And therefore he would have no choice but to read everything from top to bottom. You can get all your feelings out...start with all the good things, in the middle explain the issues and near the tail end express your relationship goals together or your future you see with each other and the road to get there which is through therapy or better communication. You an also try ordering some couples games off Amazon to help have fun communicating through a game.

Hoping something I said helps.
*Big hugs*

Thank you for your advice!

I'll look into the access...is it available to people in the UK?! I didn't even know that Taraji had a talk show but then again I don't watch tv nowadays because it's just full of crap and the only thing I watch is KDramas that's my escapism

We are going to work through it all and take it from there. Some things are worth fighting for I guess

 

[AzureVase]

Hello all

I hope you're safe and well

This is a post asking for advice but really I just need to vent out as my head is going to explode.

I've been married for over 3 years now and things have been good, we've had some obstacles come our way but we've managed to get through them. This is like any other marriage I guess. However, recently I experienced a very traumatic situation, which really broke my heart and this is really changing me as a person. My husband on the other hand has come across as extremely angry and not thinking at all of my ordeal and what I'm going through. I really feel like my feelings aren't being taken into consideration at all. I seriously think he has a disorder related to child anger (I can't remember the specific name at this moment in time) and I've been mentioning he needs to speak to a professional because even though he has never projected his anger towards me and wouldn't dare to (I've told him from the moment we met I'll kick his ass if he tries to mess with me) he seriously needs professional help. However, his response is he believes he thinks he can fix himself and his anger. But there are many things which I never really noticed until now that he to not be grateful for. Now I've had my fair share of really bad to horrible experiences throughout my life so I tend to be more grateful for the small things in life and more able to deal with any mishaps. Whereas my husband has never dealt with terrible ordeals such as loss of a loved one for example so when it came to my ordeal he is unable to know what to do even though I keep telling him and explaining to him what I am going through.
Like any INFJ, I do shut my feelings down and I can see myself doing this to him even though I'm trying not to. But in my mind I'm thinking I'm giving this guy three months and if he doesn't fix up, he is out. But I love my husband and asides from this anger issue we are happy.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore now, I'm in this predicament of confused feelings, how can I persuade my husband to seek advice without threatening him? I've only ever once in our relationship told him I'll leave him due to something else and it really shook him but I don't want to be using this as an excuse every time shit hits the fan.

Wow, I could have written this. My thoughts are that perhaps he is feeling defensive if it is being presented in a way that makes him feel he has the problem. Would he be more receptive if you made a case for 'we' have an issue? Tell him that you are hurting. How about couples counseling? 3 years? Still newlyweds. Don't give up.