INTJ Husband refuses professional help

[QuirkyLemonFlower]

Hello all

I hope you're safe and well

This is a post asking for advice but really I just need to vent out as my head is going to explode.

I've been married for over 3 years now and things have been good, we've had some obstacles come our way but we've managed to get through them. This is like any other marriage I guess. However, recently I experienced a very traumatic situation, which really broke my heart and this is really changing me as a person. My husband on the other hand has come across as extremely angry and not thinking at all of my ordeal and what I'm going through. I really feel like my feelings aren't being taken into consideration at all. I seriously think he has a disorder related to child anger (I can't remember the specific name at this moment in time) and I've been mentioning he needs to speak to a professional because even though he has never projected his anger towards me and wouldn't dare to (I've told him from the moment we met I'll kick his ass if he tries to mess with me) he seriously needs professional help. However, his response is he believes he thinks he can fix himself and his anger. But there are many things which I never really noticed until now that he to not be grateful for. Now I've had my fair share of really bad to horrible experiences throughout my life so I tend to be more grateful for the small things in life and more able to deal with any mishaps. Whereas my husband has never dealt with terrible ordeals such as loss of a loved one for example so when it came to my ordeal he is unable to know what to do even though I keep telling him and explaining to him what I am going through.
Like any INFJ, I do shut my feelings down and I can see myself doing this to him even though I'm trying not to. But in my mind I'm thinking I'm giving this guy three months and if he doesn't fix up, he is out. But I love my husband and asides from this anger issue we are happy.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore now, I'm in this predicament of confused feelings, how can I persuade my husband to seek advice without threatening him? I've only ever once in our relationship told him I'll leave him due to something else and it really shook him but I don't want to be using this as an excuse every time shit hits the fan.

 

[Reason]

Hi @QuirkyLemonFlower in what way is he angry that is out of control- is he attacking people or throwing things around the house or what?

And what is the connection between his difficulty reacting to whatever experience you've just had and the anger issue?

 

[QuirkyLemonFlower]

Hi @QuirkyLemonFlower in what way is he angry that is out of control- is he attacking people or throwing things around the house or what?

And what is the connection between his difficulty reacting to whatever experience you've just had and the anger issue?

Well he seems to get angry over the smallest things, for example if the internet isn't working for a moment he'll lose his temper or if something hasn't worked out the way he wanted to or in his time he'll lose his temper, he loses his temper over such irrelevant and trivial things and I find it quite overwhelming. Am I wrong in feeling like this?!

And due to this he feels like nothing is working out for him in life. He feels like his life is worthless and I have to keep reminding him that he has a lot more than other people so I can't understand why he feels his life is worthless when he has so much to be thankful for and I'm finding it difficult to comprehend as to why he feels like this. He knows I've never felt like he isn't good for me and I've never had a go at him, I've been patient and when I've calmed down I'll talk to him about it but nothing seems to work and now I feel like I'm way in over my head in this and what to do now.... To put it simple I'm feeling *bleurgh* right now.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

You didn't mention why is he angry

 

[sassafras]

Well he seems to get angry over the smallest things, for example if the internet isn't working for a moment he'll lose his temper or if something hasn't worked out the way he wanted to or in his time he'll lose his temper, he loses his temper over such irrelevant and trivial things and I find it quite overwhelming. Am I wrong in feeling like this?!

You are absolutely not wrong in feeling like this. I am very familiar with this kind of anger and it can be quite frightening and confusing because there is no clear trigger and your environment can never be a safe, stable place.

And due to this he feels like nothing is working out for him in life. He feels like his life is worthless and I have to keep reminding him that he has a lot more than other people so I can't understand why he feels his life is worthless when he has so much to be thankful for and I'm finding it difficult to comprehend as to why he feels like this. He knows I've never felt like he isn't good for me and I've never had a go at him, I've been patient and when I've calmed down I'll talk to him about it but nothing seems to work and now I feel like I'm way in over my head in this and what to do now.... To put it simple I'm feeling *bleurgh* right now.

You cannot fix him, unfortunately. When someone has anger issues, its because they cannot manage their expectations. They experience a deep disconnect between how they'd like the world to be, and how it really is, and their whole emotional well being is extrinsic to themselves. External conditions are expected to line up perfectly to their specifications, which can change at a moment's notice, and when they do not line up: boom!

Instead of comforting your husband, which isn't a sustainable long-term strategy because you're human and you're obviously distressed by this, my suggestion is to simply leave the room when he becomes like this. Give him a chance to learn how to calm himself down. He isn't wrong in that he needs to fix himself, but therapy is a waste of time if the person doesn't actually believe that he needs to be there. He has to come by his own volition. If this continues, consider moving out for a little bit, if only to demonstrate to him that this isn't OK and that you are not going to tolerate this. If that doesn't work, and it starts taking a toll on your mental health, I think you need to carefully consider your next steps here.

I'd also strongly encourage that you yourself go to therapy and get some help too, if only to learn some healthy coping strategies and to give yourself an outlet. Especially if you're going through something. I don't think you will find the healthy comfort you're seeking from your husband at this time and I think you need to take care of yourself too.

Best of luck <3

 

[QuirkyLemonFlower]

You didn't mention why is he angry

I honestly have no idea, I've even asked him and he thinks it's perfectly ok to just lose his temper when something hasn't worked out for him as long as he isn't hurting anyone but he doesn't seem to realise or understand that when he loses his temper it can affect people around him and it ends up feeling like walking on egg shells around him. Although sometimes I tell him straight up to grow up and deal with whatever has gone wrong like an adult.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

I honestly have no idea, I've even asked him and he thinks it's perfectly ok to just lose his temper when something hasn't worked out for him as long as he isn't hurting anyone but he doesn't seem to realise or understand that when he loses his temper it can affect people around him and it ends up feeling like walking on egg shells around him. Although sometimes I tell him straight up to grow up and deal with whatever has gone wrong like an adult.

Are you saying the traumatic situation you had didn't start this?

 

[QuirkyLemonFlower]

Are you saying the traumatic situation you had didn't start this?

I personally feel like it's brought out his anger even more because before he seemed to be in control of his anger, I mean he'd lose his temper but it wasn't so bad until recently. I feel what's happened has exacerbated his anger.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

I personally feel like it's brought out his anger even more because before he seemed to be in control of his anger, I mean he'd lose his temper but it wasn't so bad until recently. I feel what's happened has exacerbated his anger.

So he has an anger problem, and it's his fault. I get it.
What happened?

 

[QuirkyLemonFlower]

You are absolutely not wrong in feeling like this. I am very familiar with this kind of anger and it can be quite frightening and confusing because there is no clear trigger and your environment can never be a safe, stable place.



You cannot fix him, unfortunately. When someone has anger issues, its because they cannot manage their expectations. They experience a deep disconnect between how they'd like the world to be, and how it really is, and their whole emotional well being is extrinsic to themselves. External conditions are expected to line up perfectly to their specifications, which can change at a moment's notice, and when they do not line up: boom!

Instead of comforting your husband, which isn't a sustainable long-term strategy because you're human and you're obviously distressed by this, my suggestion is to simply leave the room when he becomes like this. Give him a chance to learn how to calm himself down. He isn't wrong in that he needs to fix himself, but therapy is a waste of time if the person doesn't actually believe that he needs to be there. He has to come by his own volition. If this continues, consider moving out for a little bit, if only to demonstrate to him that this isn't OK and that you are not going to tolerate this. If that doesn't work, and it starts taking a toll on your mental health, I think you need to carefully consider your next steps here.

I'd also strongly encourage that you yourself go to therapy and get some help too, if only to learn some healthy coping strategies and to give yourself an outlet. Especially if you're going through something. I don't think you will find the healthy comfort you're seeking from your husband at this time and I think you need to take care of yourself too.

Best of luck <3

Thank you for your advice and taking the time to reply.

I'll try your suggestion and see what happens. I feel that his anger is from childhood and it needs to be addressed but only a professional can deal with this, he feels that I should be able to handle his anger but if it's constant I can't.

I've never intended to fix him only he can fix himself. However, I feel that I just wish he would be a little more considerate of my feelings during this situation and I'm not feeling this and I've told him many times to put things into perspective and it seems that he is unable to or doesn't want to which I find rather selfish.

I will be seeking therapy myself but due to this damned lockdown services are limited here and also I have very little privacy to talk to someone and due to my situation going out is a bit of a nightmare but once things get better I will definitely be talking to a therapist, I know I have to. But I just came here to just vent my thoughts to like minded people.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

But I just came here to just vent my thoughts to like minded people.

I know

 

[Reason]

He feels like his life is worthless and I have to keep reminding him that he has a lot more than other people so I can't understand why he feels his life is worthless when he has so much to be thankful for and I'm finding it difficult to comprehend as to why he feels like this.

Do you know why he feels his life is worthless? Also I'm not trying to be rude but I don't see how a lecture about how well he actually has it is supposed to cheer him up, sounds like dismissal of his feelings. I don't really have enough information to know what's going on or to what degree his anger is manifesting. He doesn't sound dangerous as much as stressed and depressed.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

To be clear. I'm not siding with your husband, but at the same time, I'm not siding with you either. You seem to be hiding your part in this, and you just want emotional support. I think it's wrong. I do think your husband should grow up and get a divorce so both of you can be in peace.

 

[Reason]

. I do think your husband should grow up and get a divorce so both of you can be in peace.

A bit drastic Ruji

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

A bit drastic Ruji

Perhaps, but I can't shake the feeling that she's spoon feeding him shit, and he doesn't want to eat it.

 

[acd]

Maybe I'm seeing this differently. She experienced a traumatic event that she may not feel comfortable disclosing here right now. And that is fine. I still think it's fair to ask for some ideas or advice on how to respond to the spouses ongoing anger issues, which may be triggering for her. I even think it's ok to vent about her spouses fits of anger triggering her. Dealing with fits of rage day in and out would stress anyone out-- then compound it with recent trauma. But it sounds like he's lashing out from the trauma too. Maybe traumatized himself? Or confused by the change in OP and not dealing well.

 

[Odyne]

I understand your frustration. I want to point out that if you are going through a difficult time, you have to realize that you are not in a good position to support him in his transformation. You have to focus on your own recovery. If he is hurting as well and is expressing his pain by lashing out, you have to know that you can't lean on him for support either. So both of you recognizing the other's feelings is a little difficult right now, and you might have to seek that validation outside of your marriage. For example, friends, family, therapy.

I don't know if he has anger issues to the point of becoming abusive towards you, but it is unacceptable that you take the role of a punching bag for him whenever he lashes out. You can continue to communicate that to him without having to resort to threats of leaving him. It probably doesn't help that you are making him feel insecure about his bond with you. What if he said he would leave you if you don't deal with your trauma? It doesn't really create a safe space for either of you to become better.

At this point, if you think your marriage is worth committing to, I think it is best to withhold expectations of each other on how each one should behave and what role they should play for the other, and just give each other the room to get better.

 

[Reason]

It's impossible I think to give advice without adequate details but it's absolutely possible for a couple with simultaneous personal issues to help each other. In fact just having pain in common can bring spouses together. But it's all a question of degree and detail and without proper context I can't in good faith give any advice one way or another.

We can't talk about the traumatic thing, fine. But I would really like to know what's going on with the husband. I don't need his life story necessarily I don't think but it would be nice to have some more details filled in about his situation.

 

[Wildfire]

Maybe I'm seeing this differently. She experienced a traumatic event that she may not feel comfortable disclosing here right now. And that is fine. I still think it's fair to ask for some ideas or advice on how to respond to the spouses ongoing anger issues, which may be triggering for her. I even think it's ok to vent about her spouses fits of anger triggering her. Dealing with fits of rage day in and out would stress anyone out-- then compound it with recent trauma. But it sounds like he's lashing out from the trauma too. Maybe traumatized himself? Or confused by the change in OP and not dealing well.

I was thinking the same thing. I'm also wondering if it's powerlessness that he's feeling.

 

[Odyne]

It's impossible I think to give advice without adequate details but it's absolutely possible for a couple with simultaneous personal issues to help each other. In fact just having pain in common can bring spouses together. But it's all a question of degree and detail and without proper context I can't in good faith give any advice one way or another.

We can't talk about the traumatic thing, fine. But I would really like to know what's going on with the husband. I don't need his life story necessarily I don't think but it would be nice to have some more details filled in about his situation.

It really depends on how much of a match or a mismatch they've got when it comes to their own respective meta-emotions. How they feel about feelings, or process them. Some couples don't do well with shared trauma. In fact, it could drive them apart, because they can't find that comforting common ground with each other, so they become estranged to one another.

You are right though, we lack enough context, and we're making assumptions.