INTJ Husband refuses professional help | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

INTJ Husband refuses professional help

It really depends on how much of a match or a mismatch they've got when it comes to their own respective meta-emotions. How they feel about feelings, or process them. Some couples don't do well with shared trauma. In fact, it could drive them apart, because they can't find that comforting common ground with each other, so they become estranged to one another.
Yes exactly, and of course I'm aware that we can't know everything before giving advice but I just feel as though I don't have enough information for something that could even be possibly useful. We need to talk this out some more.

I absolutely agree with your point about not threatening to leave. That was a destabilizing provocation that is not going to help.
 
I don't like the "it's too traumatic" wild card. This isn't the first time someone has hidden details behind a curtain of emotion. We've all been through trauma, and to me this not touching the issue with a 10-foot pole solution doesn't work.

I'm not going say "he's wrong, and you're right" with nothing to go on. All I can say is he has an anger problem (according to your claims). I'm not going to sabotage my intuition to fill in the blanks you want us to just so we (not me) INFJs can do the thing we're good at: sympathize/empathize.
 
Hello all

I hope you're safe and well :)

This is a post asking for advice but really I just need to vent out as my head is going to explode.

I've been married for over 3 years now and things have been good, we've had some obstacles come our way but we've managed to get through them. This is like any other marriage I guess. However, recently I experienced a very traumatic situation, which really broke my heart and this is really changing me as a person. My husband on the other hand has come across as extremely angry and not thinking at all of my ordeal and what I'm going through. I really feel like my feelings aren't being taken into consideration at all. I seriously think he has a disorder related to child anger (I can't remember the specific name at this moment in time) and I've been mentioning he needs to speak to a professional because even though he has never projected his anger towards me and wouldn't dare to (I've told him from the moment we met I'll kick his ass if he tries to mess with me) he seriously needs professional help. However, his response is he believes he thinks he can fix himself and his anger. But there are many things which I never really noticed until now that he to not be grateful for. Now I've had my fair share of really bad to horrible experiences throughout my life so I tend to be more grateful for the small things in life and more able to deal with any mishaps. Whereas my husband has never dealt with terrible ordeals such as loss of a loved one for example so when it came to my ordeal he is unable to know what to do even though I keep telling him and explaining to him what I am going through.
Like any INFJ, I do shut my feelings down and I can see myself doing this to him even though I'm trying not to. But in my mind I'm thinking I'm giving this guy three months and if he doesn't fix up, he is out. But I love my husband and asides from this anger issue we are happy.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore now, I'm in this predicament of confused feelings, how can I persuade my husband to seek advice without threatening him? I've only ever once in our relationship told him I'll leave him due to something else and it really shook him but I don't want to be using this as an excuse every time shit hits the fan.
I don't know what to do.

I just want to say that this is very sad.


People in long marriages tend to describe weathering all kinds of storms, 'putting in the work', and overcoming multiple, often recurring obstacles. The commonality simply seems to be commitment (which you haven't shown to your husband), and the expectations both of you have for what marriage 'is' or 'can be'.

Ultimately it's simply a choice and the mechanics of how you solve things or let them fester are peripheral. Do you know what your 'choice' is? (That's deliberately open-ended, I suppose).
 
Leave your psychotic premeditated abuser manchild who has never struggled a day in his life.
Or stay and continue to voice your concerns like an adult and allow him to be an adult and live his own life. I think there's a term for this for a lot of spouses: nagging.
We all need a bit of it sometimes.
 
You’ve brought up a very serious topic. You’ve shared only as much as you feel comfortable sharing with a bunch of strangers, which is wise on your part. And you’ve asked for advice based on that limited information.

I think just about everybody who has commented so far has acknowledged that the lack of information makes them uncomfortable to varying degrees. And I understand why, given the weight of the question, some simply can’t, in good conscience, comment on whether or not it would be right for you to leave.

But I don’t think it’s fair to suggest that because you are considering divorce that you haven’t honored your commitment. Relationships evolve or die, just like anything else, and I wish our vows better reflected that fact.

Straight up, you both have the right to feel what you’re feeling, but neither of you have the right to just do whatever you want with those feelings. He shouldn’t be invalidating you, and you shouldn’t be invalidating him. You shouldn’t be forced to remain in a toxic relationship. He shouldn’t be forced to remain in a toxic relationship. And if it’s toxic for one of you then it’s toxic for both, whether the other chooses to acknowledge it or not.

I think some of your best advice has come from @sassafras @Odyne & @acd not because I believe it's a perfect fit for your situation, but because it's universally true. I myself am just wondering why you approached this with “he needs to go to counseling” rather than “we need to go to counseling" because I feel strongly that it would be the wiser place to start.
 
I appreciate the advice given and no I'm not ready to disclose my recent trauma as it's something extremely personal which has affected me and I do feel that my husband is unable to comprehend with what has happened. I say this purely because he has never experienced any kind of trauma in his life the way I have. He has no experience with responsibility as he's been spoon fed to an extent by his family but this doesn't mean he is irresponsible because he does so much more than I can ask for in anyone.

I'm not berating my husband because overall we have a really good relationship when he isn't angry and this is when we tend to speak about our issues. I also always ask him my faults and where I need to improve and always apologise so he knows this marriage is a two way relationship. I have never nagged him because I've grown up in a family where my own parents have an extremely toxic relationship and I've learnt to not do certain things that'll trigger my husband but I've always maintained my ground so he knows not to walk all over me and vice verse.

He is not aware of me wanting to divorce him and this is the very very last thing I actually want to do, marriage is hard work and we'll always face trials and tribulations this is what marriage or even serious relationships are about - this is all in my mind and I'm airing my thoughts out here where no one knows me.

My husband has always had anger issues but we've been able to work through it, he has NEVER EVER taken it out on me but he he gets angry over things that are out of his control which I get but the way he becomes angry over the trivial things is what I find hard to understand because shit happens, we get over it and move on like mature adults. However my husband just explodes over these minor issues. It may be that he is putting undue pressure on himself as a man to provide and it's not happening. I've never shown any ingratitude for what he does and have always shown my appreciation for all his work and there has never been a day where I've turned around and looked down on him but it may be due to the fact that he himself has set expectations and he isn't met them and this is frustrating him. I've always told him things will happen at the right time at the right moment and he needs to just be a little patient. I've encouraged him to do other things whilst he waits for what he wants and it seems to have worked so far and he has acknowledged his anger and that he needs to work on it. But since this trauma it feels like I'm not being considered at all and this may be that he just doesn't know how to cope as he's never faced anything like this before and he may be feeling helpless. and in my eyes it's coming across as he's being selfish and not taking my feelings into consideration at all.

And to be honest I think I came here to really put my thoughts out there for my own sanity.

I forgot to add he has acknowledged that he should consider seeking professional help but then he berates that as well and looks down on it. I've even said we can go together as he may be more comfortable with that but it's still a no.
 
Ask him how he feels about what's going on.
 
@QuirkyLemonFlower,

I’m going to try to address this without getting personal about my own INTJ spouse, or my INTJ friends.

I think it takes a strong person with good self-esteem to be in a relationship with an INTJ. A lot of people find them difficult. I adore how knowledgeable they are, how they strive for excellence, how consistent they are about morals and ethics, how driven they are, their sense of duty, their logic, and how soft and gooey their emotions are if you get to know one well enough for them to trust you with their vulnerability. Their bluntness and snark can be funny and charming, if you have the spine for it. They can be deeply caring and generous people if you get into their inner circle. Most are not “mean” or “cold” like the stereotype, either, even if they are indifferent.

INTJs often have under-developed Tertiary Fi because they value fact, logic, and THINKING over emotion. Under-developed Fi in the INTJ can manifest as hyper-sensitivity, taking things personally, quick over-reactions, etc. INTJs also have strong morals (connected to Fi) and become impatient with incompetence and ignorance. In my experience under-developed Fi, when combined with insecurities and childhood abuse issues and/or being raised by incompetent parents, can result in volatile emotional spikes such as rage. Under-developed tertiary Fi manifests as a "know-it-all" scenario combined with an inability to navigate their own emotions.

INTJs are not likely to go to a therapist, or trust a therapist's advice, unless they have respect for that person. The challenge is finding the respectable, knowledgeable therapist the INTJ will trust. Since INTJs value intellect and expertise, this isn't going to be easy, but it is possible. They also like to sweep their emotions under the rug, so persuading them to visit several therapists, whom they will view as incompetent, until they find the right fit may seem like a waste of time to them.

The other day on the forum Deleted member 16771 spoke about how INTJs have three categories for people: Love, indifference, hate.

What may be a devastating loss or trauma to one person may not read that way to others. Feelers attach feelings and extend empathy to a large pool of people. INTJs don’t. Even in situations where the loss and level of grief may seem obvious to some, particularly Feelers, there is no guarantee an INTJ will process it that way. For example: If an INTJ has an estranged parent, was abused as a child, etc., they won’t place their parents in the “love” category. The parent(s) may even fall into the “hate” category. If this is the case, the INTJ may not understand the grief others feel about losing a parent.

Fi user empathy thrives on channeling their own experiences and emotions into empathy toward the other person, so if they haven’t had a relatable experience this can result in lack of empathy.(Some Fi users have empathy superpowers, like INFPs, for example.) They are still highly empathetic people, but with fewer triggers. The problem is, INTJs take trauma and loss extremely hard. It can be dark. It can be like a black hole causing depression, anger, and despair. It can be self-destructive, suicidal, venomous, or violent. That isn’t something you want, and the closer you are to INTJs, the worse it will be.

Don’t expect your emotions or your perspective to compute. That doesn’t mean you don’t matter to them, but that they simply won’t read, absorb, or possibly even try to understand, what you are going through or how you feel unless you explain it using terms an INTJ will appreciate and respect. Explain why the loss or trauma deeply affects you, but in language the INTJ will respect. Don’t sob and babble about being sad. INTJs are Thinkers, they appreciate logic and understanding.

INTJs do not do well if they know you're willing to end the relationship over one of their flaws. They are extremely loyal people who let few into their circles. Knowing you could betray them, or that you aren't as loyal or as serious about the relationship as they are, will not go over well. You're either in, or you're out. If you threaten to be out, they may just push you out. I do not recommend ultimatums.

Do not say you are leaving until you are done, and nothing can change your mind. If you suggest this, it will haunt your marriage and it will become a point of insecurity and mistrust. Not good.

Be loyal and trustworthy. Comfort and nurture their Fi without coddling them. Be supportive and nurturing when they are emotional, and offer a different point of view, or a translation of confused feelings, when relevant. It’s kind of weird that INTJs get so hurt when people close to them dismiss their emotions even though they do that to others almost by default. Under-developed Fi can be very “It’s all about me!” INTJs with well-developed Fi can be very good at processing their own emotions and caring about other people. It’s a win-win situation because they are Thinkers who are also able to connect emotionally and have empathy.

Set boundaries. It can get scary to stand up to an enraged INTJ, but you need to let him know he may not treat you in certain ways, or say certain things to you. You need to let him know that being married does not create an "anything goes" situation for behaviors. How you do this depends on your own personality and relationship. I don’t recommend being belligerent, raising your voice, too, etc. Be calm, but strong. I keep a calm head, calm voice, and speak factually. I tell him saying certain things is not OK, and if he starts to dig into me, I tell him to stop. I am respectful and calm. Certain words and phrases are always off limits. Breaking things, hitting, throwing, etc., is off limits. Threats are off limits. …For everything you take away, you need to add an avenue for the emotion to travel constructively. Emotion is allowed, feelings are allowed, abuse (including verbal) is not. It’s up to you both to decide how this is done.

If my INTJ spouse is raging about something that has nothing to do with me, I remove myself from the situation. TBH, I still absorb the emotion and it is hard for me. Sometimes just letting them have at it, when it isn’t targeted toward a person, is all you can do. I hang out in my personal space and wear headphones when my spouse is like this, or I go for a walk.


TBH, it is so draining and stressful to try to deal with under-developed Fi in a partner. It can be a nightmare. It’s a slow process to get them to work on it, too. You have to prove the endeavor is worthwhile from a logical point of view. There has to be reward. You have to really show that it pays off.

If you love each other and fit in every other way, it is worth getting through. Every human, every type, has shortcomings. Getting through the tough parts builds deeper love, friendship, and understanding and makes us all better people. If it is so bad you can’t get through it, and it is better to abandon love than endure, I will understand, though, and I won't judge you.
This makes me very uncomfortable.
 
It's OK, Asa, I understand.

I just felt like saying 'that's not me'. The 'INTJ' brush is pretty broad.

I don't live with you. I'm not in a relationship with you. It's clear to me that you have well-developed feeling. You've spoken of "child-like Fi" moments, though. This is about underdeveloped tertiary Fi.

I have no idea if you have a rage problem or not.

That said, you had a "loss experience" within the last year and while I wouldn't describe it as a black hole, it was a whirlwind.

The OP's scenario is highly relatable. As stated in my post, I don't want to use personal examples. It makes me feel disloyal to talk specifics about INTJs I know (especially my spouse) on the forum without their permission, and I guarantee that my spouse would not give permission.
 
I don't live with you. I'm not in a relationship with you. It's clear to me that you have well-developed feeling. You've spoken of "child-like Fi" moments, though. This is about underdeveloped tertiary Fi.

I have no idea if you have a rage problem or not.

That said, you had a "loss experience" within the last year and while I wouldn't describe it as a black hole, it was a whirlwind.

The OP's scenario is highly relatable. As stated in my post, I don't want to use personal examples. It makes me feel disloyal to talk specifics about INTJs I know (especially my spouse) on the forum without their permission, and I guarantee that my spouse would not give permission.
Oh I'm not invalidating what you're saying.

It just made me uncomfortable, lol.

The Fi is child-like in it's simplicity, though, that's for sure.
 
@QuirkyLemonFlower,

I’m going to try to address this without getting personal about my own INTJ spouse, or my INTJ friends.

I think it takes a strong person with good self-esteem to be in a relationship with an INTJ. A lot of people find them difficult. I adore how knowledgeable they are, how they strive for excellence, how consistent they are about morals and ethics, how driven they are, their sense of duty, their logic, and how soft and gooey their emotions are if you get to know one well enough for them to trust you with their vulnerability. Their bluntness and snark can be funny and charming, if you have the spine for it. They can be deeply caring and generous people if you get into their inner circle. Most are not “mean” or “cold” like the stereotype, either, even if they are indifferent. (Plus, tertiary Fi can manifest creatively with interest in art and music.)

INTJs often have under-developed Tertiary Fi because they value fact, logic, and THINKING over emotion. Under-developed Fi in the INTJ can manifest as hyper-sensitivity, taking things personally, quick over-reactions, etc. INTJs also have strong morals (connected to Fi) and become impatient with incompetence and ignorance. In my experience under-developed Fi, when combined with insecurities and childhood abuse issues and/or being raised by incompetent parents, can result in volatile emotional spikes such as rage. Under-developed tertiary Fi manifests as a "know-it-all" scenario combined with an inability to navigate their own emotions.

INTJs are not likely to go to a therapist, or trust a therapist's advice, unless they have respect for that person. The challenge is finding the respectable, knowledgeable therapist the INTJ will trust. Since INTJs value intellect and expertise, this isn't going to be easy, but it is possible. They also like to sweep their emotions under the rug, so persuading them to visit several therapists, whom they will view as incompetent, until they find the right fit may seem like a waste of time to them.

The other day on the forum Deleted member 16771 spoke about how INTJs have three categories for people: Love, indifference, hate.

What may be a devastating loss or trauma to one person may not read that way to others. Feelers attach feelings and extend empathy to a large pool of people. INTJs don’t. Even in situations where the loss and level of grief may seem obvious to some, particularly Feelers, there is no guarantee an INTJ will process it that way. For example: If an INTJ has an estranged parent, was abused as a child, etc., they won’t place their parents in the “love” category. The parent(s) may even fall into the “hate” category. If this is the case, the INTJ may not understand the grief others feel about losing a parent.

Fi user empathy thrives on channeling their own experiences and emotions into empathy toward the other person, so if they haven’t had a relatable experience this can result in lack of empathy.(Some Fi users have empathy superpowers, like INFPs, for example.) They are still highly empathetic people, but with fewer triggers. The problem is, INTJs take trauma and loss extremely hard. It can be dark. It can be like a black hole causing depression, anger, and despair. It can be self-destructive, suicidal, venomous, or violent. That isn’t something you want, and the closer you are to INTJs, the worse it will be.

Don’t expect your emotions or your perspective to compute. That doesn’t mean you don’t matter to them, but that they simply won’t read, absorb, or possibly even try to understand, what you are going through or how you feel unless you explain it using terms an INTJ will appreciate and respect. Explain why the loss or trauma deeply affects you, but in language the INTJ will respect. Don’t sob and babble about being sad. INTJs are Thinkers, they appreciate logic and understanding.

INTJs do not do well if they know you're willing to end the relationship over one of their flaws. They are extremely loyal people who let few into their circles. Knowing you could betray them, or that you aren't as loyal or as serious about the relationship as they are, will not go over well. You're either in, or you're out. If you threaten to be out, they may just push you out. I do not recommend ultimatums.

Do not say you are leaving until you are done, and nothing can change your mind. If you suggest this, it will haunt your marriage and it will become a point of insecurity and mistrust. Not good.

Be loyal and trustworthy. Comfort and nurture their Fi without coddling them. Be supportive and nurturing when they are emotional, and offer a different point of view, or a translation of confused feelings, when relevant. It’s kind of weird that INTJs get so hurt when people close to them dismiss their emotions even though they do that to others almost by default. Under-developed Fi can be very “It’s all about me!” INTJs with well-developed Fi can be very good at processing their own emotions and caring about other people. It’s a win-win situation because they are Thinkers who are also able to connect emotionally and have empathy.

Set boundaries. It can get scary to stand up to an enraged INTJ, but you need to let him know he may not treat you in certain ways, or say certain things to you. You need to let him know that being married does not create an "anything goes" situation for behaviors. How you do this depends on your own personality and relationship. I don’t recommend being belligerent, raising your voice, too, etc. Be calm, but strong. I keep a calm head, calm voice, and speak factually. I tell him saying certain things is not OK, and if he starts to dig into me, I tell him to stop. I am respectful and calm. Certain words and phrases are always off limits. Breaking things, hitting, throwing, etc., is off limits. Threats are off limits. …For everything you take away, you need to add an avenue for the emotion to travel constructively. Emotion is allowed, feelings are allowed, abuse (including verbal) is not. It’s up to you both to decide how this is done.

If my INTJ spouse is raging about something that has nothing to do with me, I remove myself from the situation. TBH, I still absorb the emotion and it is hard for me. Sometimes just letting them have at it, when it isn’t targeted toward a person, is all you can do. I hang out in my personal space and wear headphones when my spouse is like this, or I go for a walk.


TBH, it is so draining and stressful to try to deal with under-developed Fi in a partner. It can be a nightmare. It’s a slow process to get them to work on it, too. You have to prove the endeavor is worthwhile from a logical point of view. There has to be reward. You have to really show that it pays off.

If you love each other and fit in every other way, it is worth getting through. Every human, every type, has shortcomings. Getting through the tough parts builds deeper love, friendship, and understanding and makes us all better people. If it is so bad you can’t get through it, and it is better to abandon love than endure, I will understand, though, and I won't judge you.

@Asa thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I feel like you've hit the nail on the head!

I think this is what I needed to hear, everything you said makes perfect sense. I don't want to end our marriage but if my tolerance levels are pushed to the extent that I can't bear it no more then I'm not afraid to walk. However this is the very very very last resort. I do believe I have been comforting but maybe not so much nurturing but I feel like I'll end up being like a mother rather than his wife and I also feel that as grown man he needs to take responsibility for his actions and deal with it like an adult.

However, right now I feel that I'm entitled to feel down and emotional due to the recent trauma and he should be able to at least be patient and not kick off unnecessarily, I'm entitled to that at least. But from my interpretation from posts here it feels that I can't...
 
That's fine, too, Quirky :)

How are you both finding lockdown? That combined with the stresses of your trauma is not really a normal situation.

We have been dealing with it fine in all honesty as we are both introverts but my husband's job requires him to go out so it gives us some space which helps right now. We have lived with each other for a good few months when he was unemployed and I was on a career break at the time and we seemed to manage to get through it.

Because of the trauma, I'm actually loving the lockdown as I don't have to face people but I do miss some interaction with people, however I've kinda shut all my family and friends off as I need space to deal with everything and sort myself out before I go out in the world.
 
Ask him how he feels about what's going on.

I have and his reply was it is what it is, he read all the facts and stats and has accepted what happened is not uncommon and he has been great in other ways for me but his anger over trivial things is what's testing my patience and he knows it.
 
@Asa thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I feel like you've hit the nail on the head!

I think this is what I needed to hear, everything you said makes perfect sense. I don't want to end our marriage but if my tolerance levels are pushed to the extent that I can't bear it no more then I'm not afraid to walk. However this is the very very very last resort. I do believe I have been comforting but maybe not so much nurturing but I feel like I'll end up being like a mother rather than his wife and I also feel that as grown man he needs to take responsibility for his actions and deal with it like an adult.

However, right now I feel that I'm entitled to feel down and emotional due to the recent trauma and he should be able to at least be patient and not kick off unnecessarily, I'm entitled to that at least. But from my interpretation from posts here it feels that I can't...

Let's keep in touch. I think we have had similar experiences.

You are entitled to your feelings of loss and grief. You may need to explain that need with different language so he understands your needs and understands your mood isn't about him, but without making him feel excluding or pushed away. If you want to talk about your loss openly with someone you can private message me. Don't feel obligated. I'm just offering if you think it will help you process the emotions. (I'm going to go do some stuff offline shortly, but I will read and listen.)

You'll have to find a balance and boundaries so neither of you is the parent or child, and so you cooperate and the power dynamic is even. Easier said than done sometimes.

INTJs are the best, but sometimes it is still hard. <3
 
I have and his reply was it is what it is, he read all the facts and stats and has accepted what happened is not uncommon and he has been great in other ways for me but his anger over trivial things is what's testing my patience and he knows it.
I have dealt with an INTJ friend like this in the past and it was very difficult to navigate. At the end of the day I had to explain to him that I needed him to respect my experience and what I'm going through even if he can't understand it. I had to very clearly outline my needs in an "Explain like I'm 5" kind of way and it made a huge difference. The anger was annoying to me but I also understood that he didn't know another way and hadn't got far enough in touch with what was triggering him and WHY he felt the need to react in the specific way he did in order to do better. I had to use a lot of socratic questioning over time to help him get more emotionally connected to himself and his motivations. In the end it made a massive difference but navigating how I was feeling on top of trying to help him through how he was feeling and reacting on top of trying to help him understand what I needed made me very frustrated! And this wasn't even a romantic partner.

I think it's worth it to walk through these things with people we care about though. I also got said INTJ to go to therapy. We had to read through a lot of different profiles to find one he'd be willing to see and now he's been going to her on and off as needed for the last few years. Definitely worth the endeavor.
 
@Asa thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I feel like you've hit the nail on the head!

I think this is what I needed to hear, everything you said makes perfect sense. I don't want to end our marriage but if my tolerance levels are pushed to the extent that I can't bear it no more then I'm not afraid to walk. However this is the very very very last resort. I do believe I have been comforting but maybe not so much nurturing but I feel like I'll end up being like a mother rather than his wife and I also feel that as grown man he needs to take responsibility for his actions and deal with it like an adult.

However, right now I feel that I'm entitled to feel down and emotional due to the recent trauma and he should be able to at least be patient and not kick off unnecessarily, I'm entitled to that at least. But from my interpretation from posts here it feels that I can't...

You are absolutely entitled to that. It was said earlier that if you are struggling you can't really help him through whatever his deal is. You can't mother him through it. I think @Odyne gave some really good perspective. There's really no easy answer. I can say that ideally, he should be there as your support system-- not collapsing into his own spiral in reaction to whatever happened to you. It just sounds like as @Wildfire suggested, he is feeling powerless and lashing out. Maybe if he could grasp that your emotions are a natural response to what happened, it may help? Maybe he needs to start reading about responses to trauma instead of statistics.
 
Last edited:
Let's keep in touch. I think we have had similar experiences.

You are entitled to your feelings of loss and grief. You may need to explain that need with different language so he understands your needs and understands your mood isn't about him, but without making him feel excluding or pushed away. If you want to talk about your loss openly with someone you can private message me. Don't feel obligated. I'm just offering if you think it will help you process the emotions. (I'm going to go do some stuff offline shortly, but I will read and listen.)

You'll have to find a balance and boundaries so neither of you is the parent or child, and so you cooperate and the power dynamic is even. Easier said than done sometimes.

INTJs are the best, but sometimes it is still hard. <3

Thank you, I would really appreciate an outsiders views as it'll be unbiased. I've got to do a few things online but once I'm done I'll send you a private message. It may help clear up my own thought process of what's going on as well and how to handle the situation.