INFJ's having children

[Serket]

One of the reasons I don't ever want to have children is I fear I would be overwhelmed by my feelings for them. I would be the sterotypical over protective mum, constantly trying to protect my kids from the dangers of the world. Yet I'd want them to be independant. Contradiction much?
Also, I can't help but worry that I would not be able to cope if I had a child and lost them. They say the worst thing for a parent to go through is the death of a child. I am a paranoid person. I don't want to have a child who is has to deal with me or the rest of the horrors of this life, and I'm selfish, I wouldn't want to put myself through the pain of parenthood.


Any INFJ parents here?
Anyone share my irrational fears?

 

[Satya]

I'm actually worried that I will never have kids. I do fear the insane amount of responsiblity, but if I have a stable partner to help me out, then I think I could be an awesome parent. I can't possibly be any worse than my parents.

 

[Motor Jax]

i have 3 wonderful kids, though by extreme circumstances i cannot see them as much as i would like to

but when i do see them, i tend to be very proactive with them, and continuously around... i don't know if this is what is meant by 'smothered'

but i fear sometimes that my legacy would not be past

and whatever i am will be diminished when i go


your kids are your legacy, a motto i take to heart

 

[Shai Gar]

There are millions of Orphans on this planet, and tons of unintelligent women splurting out kids. I'm going to adopt.

"Kids are a legacy" not mine, my legacy will be in my gifts to the world, my motto of children is "Children are Heirs, Provide Aristos, to produce Aristocracy"

 

[batumi]

Shai gar,

You are cool! I have three adopted from foreign countries and one birthchild.
There are truly so many children who need parents and homes.

Good for you!!

 

[Kwistalline]

Anyone share my irrational fears?

Yes!!!! I have six neices and nephews (well, actually 8, but that's another story) on whom I dote. My sister and her husband are the exact opposite on their MBTI, and their views on discipline and training are also dissimilar! Some days I wish I could just take them home with me . . . and then I remember their are six and I am one!
I don't feel the need to have children as long as I've got them, but occasionally I think "you know, it would be nice to have a kid, raise him to respect others, give to society . . ."etc, passing on of strongly held beliefs that I feel our culture is losing. Although, I must confess, I'm not as afraid of bearing children as I am of having a husband/father to those children! And since I believe fathers are necessary for healthy development, I'll never adopt as long as I'm single.

 

[sumone]

I am a parent and I would sum it up by saying it's been the best of times and the worst of times.
I have been overwhelmed by feelings and emotions and have had hard times of recovering from them. Over time I've gotten better at guarding myself but sometimes it just has a life of its own. It's something that I deal with internally though because I wouldn't want to put it on the kids or make it their responsibility. I do carry their weight though and I'm only truly at peace when they are safe at home sound asleep.
It's very hard to see them make their own mistakes but I was always aware of not overprotecting them so it's worked out well in that regard. They are confident and independent - they cope very well with the world, better than I really.
My children are E but they don't resent my introversion because they understand it. They know I'm not shy or afraid - to them I'm just a bit 'different'. When it comes to school volunteering and group projects or socializinng that includes the parents I go often enough that it isn't a problem. My husband, who is an E is always up for anything though which works for a great balance.
It was wonderful in the early days when they were so young, innocent and I was so needed and loved so purely. I do find it hard being a parent all in all.

 

[Jennywocky]

I have two "biological" children (one with some special needs) and one we adopted. They're in the 10-13 age range now.

I would have to say that being a parent has been the best and yet most challenging thing I've ever done in my life. And it changes you. You're always a parent. Even if your children leave the house, or stop talking to you, or (god forbid) pass on before you do... you are ALWAYS a parent once you have a child. You can't go back.

But the process of parenting is one that shapes you and burns out the imperfections, hopefully. It teaches you about life, and love. It builds patience and endurance and the ability to sacrifice. It softens your heart.

And it teaches you a GREAT deal about people. I was much more judgmental before I had kids. Now I understand a lot more about people, where they're coming from, how they got to where they are, how hard it can be to change sometimes, etc. Along with marriage, parenthood has been the other thing that has really helped me grow beyond what I would have remained without spouse or children.

I do think the role of parent is not to be taken lightly, but I feel bad for those who don't want to try because they feel they will not be good enough or might fail.

Accept it now: You *will* make lots of mistakes. But it's not about being perfect. The thing with kids is that they are highly resilient, and you can self-correct as you go.

You also grow "with" your children; to put it another way, when you're a beginner as a parent, your child is also a beginning child. Your skill level will grow with them. (and with the special needs kid we have? Before we had him, we would have been terrified... but you learn what to do as you go. We figured it out together, and we are succeeded. I think we are each far stronger than we believe about ourselves, but we haven't usually been pushed and tested, so we fear we are pudgy and weak.)

It would be a shame to rob yourself of the joy of having kids and experiencing that sort of relationship, as well as robbing your potential kids of the chance to have you as a parent, simply out of fear of not being good enough. If you ask yourself the question and fear not measuring up, I think that's actually a positive qualification for parenting -- because you care enough to want to do a good job.

That's my advice to the INFJs... You guys are usually remarkable parents. But I know how afraid you are of not meeting your own personal standards, afraid of letting down people you love. (My adopted daughter is an INFJ, I know how hard it can be.) It's okay; don't rob yourself. *hug*

 

[Shai Gar]

You also grow "with" your children; to put it another way, when you're a beginner as a parent, your child is also a beginning child. Your skill level will grow with them.

Can you power level?

 

[sriv]

You also grow "with" your children; to put it another way, when you're a beginner as a parent, your child is also a beginning child. Your skill level will grow with them.

Can you power level?

Reach for over 9000.

 

[Shai Gar]

You also grow "with" your children; to put it another way, when you're a beginner as a parent, your child is also a beginning child. Your skill level will grow with them.

Can you power level?

Reach for over 9000.

I only really want to get to level 70 so that I can go on Epic Level quests with them.

 

[Inkling]

My sister and her husband are the exact opposite on their MBTI, and their views on discipline and training are also dissimilar! Some days I wish I could just take them home with me . . . and then I remember their are six and I am one!

*ahem* They are not exact opposites, remember? ENFJ and ISTJ (Ugh, what a strange combination).
And it does not help that they are both firstborns and thus instill this terrible sense of responsibility on all their children.

 

[Kwistalline]

My sister and her husband are the exact opposite on their MBTI, and their views on discipline and training are also dissimilar! Some days I wish I could just take them home with me . . . and then I remember their are six and I am one!

*ahem* They are not exact opposites, remember? ENFJ and ISTJ (Ugh, what a strange combination).
And it does not help that they are both firstborns and thus instill this terrible sense of responsibility on all their children.

Right. Forgot. I always subconsciously assumed Troy was a "P" assuming the "J" role unnaturally due to circumstances . . . but I think you are right. Ugh. Exactly. My poor babygirls!!

 

[gokartride]

I agree...it does change you. My 2 cents....

It's easy to take parenting at arm's length, but much better to jump in with both feet. They are not yours...they are yours only to guide and nurture to be the people they were meant to be. It's good to let go of oneself enough to see the world through their eyes, to enter into the fascination of each thing and to in a sense, have the chance to rediscover the world through their eyes.

Kids need your time...if you fight that it's difficult. If you embrace it, though, it is really fun. You never know when a kid is going to open up to you or say something really profound, or just need you there. Learning to devote raw time to kids pays off I think and helps them feel secure. They have radar...they will know if you love them.

There is a way of in-seeing into kids...of understanding their temperaments and what makes them tick, to help them explore their interests and ideas. They may not get this, but you will. It's good to soak all this in and nurture the unique things that make them special.

They say values are caught not taught, and I think this is so. If you have rules (or principles maybe), you should follow them, too. Even if it's not convenient, try to do things together now and again....wash the car, run errands, make cookies, garden, or just color together. That is very meaningful time. It's good to show them how to take care of themselves, too...so a balance of quiet time and solitary actvities are perfectly good, too.

Be ready to one day explain some things.....why the truth works and lies don't, why harmful things are harmful because they often limit us as people, why good, well-mannered behavior wins friends and creates more opportunities for fun, how trouble (when nor faced up front) potentially leads only into more trouble.

I had fun raising my kids...and like anything demanding beyond belief, carries unique and very special rewards. Now my role is transitioning. They are all grown up.....and I must now grow up, too, to let go and adapt to a very different parent-mode. It's not easy either.