My mother calls me queen bitch of the universe, but my dark side is nothing compared to what other people have done to me, stories I’ve heard about others, and what others have confessed about their own behavior to me.
My mother tied me to my closet doorknobs when I was in my 20s because I protested how she’d been treating me for years. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. I could fill a book with stuff like that.
She told me my biological father, who I was separated from when too young to remember, rigged a shotgun in the basement to blow the face off of whoever was coming in and stealing some equipment, even though he knew it was likely his own son. Again, tip of the iceberg.
I was in a relationship with someone who confessed to me that she killed 3 men. One she bludgeoned, one she shot in the head, and the last she killed by stomping on his skull. These were done in what she called self-defense. Law enforcement was supposedly not involved in the first two.
I was anally raped (while saying no) until I had diarrhea by someone who then asked if he could watch me take a shit. When I got back, he popped a zit on his face and ate the pus while I watched him check his phone. He then took me to a restaurant where he bought me an expensive hamburger. He called me a few days later, accused me of giving him herpes (which I don’t have), and told me, “You’re a piece of shit and you know it.”
A guy who was blocking an intersection because of a passing train ahead took out his road rage on me by honking at me for no reason while I was crossing right in front of his car. I had the light. I flipped him off because he scared the shit out of me, and he went out of his way to follow me just so he could harass me while his passenger filmed it. I verbally fought back and he threw his drink on me, threatened to break my glasses and steal my phone, and intentionally tried to hit me with his SUV as I was crossing another street.
A more recent ordeal I went through was losing about 15 pounds because my parents, who I rely on for food, repeatedly forced me into starvation by letting my food run out and refusing to buy more. They then had me put in a mental hospital, where the staff took my weight loss as a sign of mental illness and used it against me in court as a reason to drug me against my will for a couple weeks.
When I get angry, I have a very good reason to do so (I get treated like shit by the physical world), but since my worldliness/physicality/execution is so weak (inferior Se), it’s impossible for me to make a real victim of anyone, no matter how hard I try. I’m always surrounded by people who are vastly more physically powerful than me, so my “dark side” is a joke to them, and a chance for them to victimize me even more by falsely painting me as the bad guy. I yell so loudly at people it muffles my own hearing, and it accomplishes little compared to the results I’ve seen other people get with less effort. It’s like an ant yelling at a giant exterminator. I don’t have any people power, so I can’t get anybody to gang up on my enemies. Cops always side with the abuser, even if I show them bruises that person has given me. I have to wait for spiritual revenge to happen, like recently my dad was in a freak car accident and developed a serious health problem that he’ll have for the rest of his life.
INFJ = spiritual bully (dominant Ni), physical victim (inferior Se)
The only way to stop being a victim (and having to get angry) is to shut out as much Se as possible, and limit it to necessity only. I’m in a process where I’m learning to rely on spirits (Ni) instead of people (Se), because people are too dangerous for me, but the most dangerous spirits are innocuous.
