INFJ's Capacity for Darkness

[deivejek2|9]

In my early teens, I became aware that I was harboring a deep-seated anger, a werewolf-like rage that was released on a few unfortunate occasions. Throughout my teens I tried to hide it away, keep it at bay, which wasn't particularly effective. During my 20s I worked to integrate it and transform it into a healthy part of my personality, and while this was successful to some degree, it wasn't until I acknowledged it outright and recognized it as an innate aspect of my nature that I was able to subjugate it.

Somewhere along the way I realized it was more than just an anger management issue; it was a manifestation of my connection to a profound darkness. To borrow a metaphor from various religions, it was as though I'd eaten the apple from the tree and been filled with the knowledge of both good and evil. I don't want to give the impression that I think of this in terms of duality, however. It's probably more accurately expressed as clarity of sight within a wide spectrum of thought, feeling, and behavior, and a keen eye for a sort of sleeping deviance lurking within certain people or systems of reasoning.

Now that I'm in my 30s, this inherent darkness isn't so dramatic or all-encompassing. Part of this may simply be that I'm not frightened or intimidated by it anymore, or that I know it well enough that I can avert it or use it to my advantage. I do still enjoy immersing myself in the feelings/sensations I get from music, books, and videogames that access the gloomy corners of my mind. Despite considering myself a healthy person, these kinds of experiences appeal to my "dark passenger" (I assure you I'm not a serial killer, but couldn't pass up making the reference).

My question to all of you is whether or not this is something other INFJs have experienced? Is this a common expression of our inferior cognitive function? Or does it correlate more to the negative effects of one's turbulent teenage years? I noticed the posts about sadism and dark humor, and am curious if you think those topics relate to this, as well.

 

[bickelz]

First off, i appreciate the Dexter quote (who's is arguably a fellow infj). In my melancholic moods, i feel like there is some sort of darkness present in me that goes hand in hand with my worry if being empty inside. I guess that my enjoyment of dark humor or irony is a manifestation of this.

 

[dark_angel]

I do relate to your post due to my turbulent teenage years. My journey sounds so similar to yours (I am also 35) and am now able to draw on my darkside for strength and it fuels me through turbulent times like a pillar of strength if you will. It also comes out to "play" through music, movies and books etc and is an integrated part of who I am hence my username.

I strongly believe one does need to be aware of your darkside intimately so that it does not consume you and that it does not do harm to others.

 

[mauve]

INFJs are very sensitive to feelings, emotions and thoughts all around them and I think this has to do with us having a wide range of emotions. I did have some very dark thoughts, close to suicidal when I was just a preteen. Plus, some very strong feelings of loathing. However, I now feel that these thoughts are actually quite romantic and rather harmless, except maybe to our mental health. We just have this ability to strongly feel but we are absolutely harmless, as u said. As soon as there was more of a balance in my life and as we mature and understand ourselves more, the dark thoughts mellow as well, and may completely vanish. On a side note, I think that INFJs are actually quite happy-go-lucky in our own quiet ways.

 

[Saru Inc]

I completely relate. Maybe I'm infj? Or maybe I'm just human.


I really don't mean to sound cruel, but as [MENTION=2926]Bird[/MENTION] says best, that's not an infj thing, that's a human thing. We all suffer with that, and I really don't mean to come across as harsh or rude but... It's part of the human condition.

 

[Jana]

On a side note, I think that INFJs are actually quite happy-go-lucky in our own quiet ways.

y

I agree...dark side (I understand it very well) is just something we must accept and control...When I am not in dark mood, I am rather optimistic. I realised that with years I can easily get rid of dark moments...but they are still dark when they come...

 

[invisible]

I will eat your heart.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

It's an interesting component of human nature. Everyone has a certain dark side. Though mine lies in pure aggression, there's an innate need to avenge my violated values. I've been in the state several times, though have acted only once or twice. I'll tell you, that dark side of you - when it manifests, everything seems to come together as if you understood the universe.

 

[dark_angel]

This thread might be of interest to you:


http://forums.infjs.com/showthread.php?t=9554

 

[Siamese cat]

We all have darkness in ourselves, though some of us, maybe those naturally inclined to introspection, are more aware of it. This is not a new concept. Even the Dostoevsky in his Crime and punishment tried to convey that we all have it inside ourselves, but under what circumstances it will rear it's dark head and how much we'll be aware of it is different from person to person. My advice would always be : be sure to know your, let's say dark passenger, the best you can, explore your dark side, because denying it could cost you much more than it's exploration.

 

[myself]

as nice and friendly as i can be

i recognize my capacity to go the other way

mushrooms have the unique ability to bring it all to the surface (be careful)

so much of our nature is suppressed by society today

sometimes i wonder if we are cheating ourselves by shushing that dark side

maybe we are SUPPOSED to fight

maybe this is partly our purpose

maybe fighting is not so bad
perhaps this too is a just another manifestation of love

real tough love

...

 

[Praefect]

It's an interesting component of human nature. Everyone has a certain dark side. Though mine lies in pure aggression, there's an innate need to avenge my violated values. I've been in the state several times, though have acted only once or twice. I'll tell you, that dark side of you - when it manifests, everything seems to come together as if you understood the universe.

Yes. The clarity is delicious. I can't channel it at will, though. I have to be in a good headspace to reach my dark side in a constructive way.

I think there is some misconception in this thread as to what is meant by dark side because the language is ambiguous. It means different things to different people which leads to comparing apples with oranges.

 

[muir]

Can you have light without shade?

 

[Capt Charisma]

Can you have light without shade?

in the desert?

 

[dark_angel]

This thread might be of interest to you:


http://forums.infjs.com/showthread.php?t=9554

This thread also:

http://forums.infjs.com/showthread.php?t=9867

 

[jn56uytrx]

The darkness is likely a universal human experience, but there are also likely unique ways in which different types generally handle it. Though even within type, I expect it's a very individual experience.

For example, my sense (very generalized) is that infps are more likely to embrace the dark side of their experience earlier. I also sense male infjs are more likely to come to some agreement with the darkness in their experience before female infjs. While infps seems to almost playfully embrace darkness, I sense infj men, when they embrace it, do so from a more structured and controlled place. Female infjs who are not bound by social ideas of femininity, or whose social experience encouraged more "tough, masculine" behavior, seem also, in my observation, to embrace darkness more quickly.

My sense is that in general infj's are less willing to acknowledge and work with darkness because we have more of our personality structured around ideas of morality and social appropriateness which to some degree exclude expressions of darkness. Social expectations surrounding femininity are even more exclusionary of dark expressions, which is why I think female infjs are often even more unwilling to explore their darkness. Socially being female generally means being maternal, loving, and caring--not aggressive and violent.

For the record, I'm 41 and only now beginning to be willing to take a look at this within myself and mostly I'm still afraid and unwilling, even though I know ignoring it only gives it unchecked channels.

 

[muir]

in the desert?

Lol!

There is shade in the desert!

Also the sun even sets on a pristene salt flat

 

[deivejek2|9]

First off, i appreciate the Dexter quote (who's is arguably a fellow infj).

Oh, creepy. I hadn't thought about that, but INFJ makes sense to me. More so than INTJ, which is what I'd seen him typed as in the past.

I do relate to your post due to my turbulent teenage years. My journey sounds so similar to yours (I am also 35) and am now able to draw on my darkside for strength and it fuels me through turbulent times like a pillar of strength if you will. It also comes out to "play" through music, movies and books etc and is an integrated part of who I am hence my username.

Thanks, Dark Angel. The significance of your username wasn't lost on me (although possibly unrelated, it made me think of the TV show, which I loved). Interesting. While I'm sorry that you've had a similar experience, it's nice to hear that you made it through alright. Thanks for the thread links. Please feel free to message me if you'd like to chat further.

On a side note, I think that INFJs are actually quite happy-go-lucky in our own quiet ways.

True! I'm definitely an example of this. I guess I got tired of dwelling in the dark places. Now I just carry the darkness with me instead of allowing it to carry me. I've heard people say that INFJs are morose and pessimistic, but I've never understood where that comes from.

I really don't mean to sound cruel, but as @Bird says best, that's not an infj thing, that's a human thing. We all suffer with that, and I really don't mean to come across as harsh or rude but... It's part of the human condition.

I wasn't sure to whom your response was directed, however I didn't take your comment as harsh or rude. I certainly wasn't trying to exclude anyone from the misery party, and wasn't making the assumption that other people were free of this unfortunate malady.

I didn't get this across well in the original post, but I think one of my main interests was in hearing about how INFJs (or ENFJs experience this kind of darkness and whether or not it manifests itself differently in an INFJ vs. other personality types. Also, is inferior Se responsible for unique expressions of this darkness, and if so are INFJs more likely to exhibit behaviors distinct from other types? By no means do I expect you to answer those questions - just putting them out there.

I agree...dark side (I understand it very well) is just something we must accept and control...When I am not in dark mood, I am rather optimistic. I realised that with years I can easily get rid of dark moments...but they are still dark when they come...

I rarely have them anymore, so I sometimes create them (for myself, not when others are around). That sounds a little disturbed when I type it out.

I will eat your heart.

I don't know what this means, but I like it.

I'll tell you, that dark side of you - when it manifests, everything seems to come together as if you understood the universe.

I'm well versed in the dark side, so I can appreciate what you're saying. I was going to add "unfortunately" to that sentence, but I think having been through a thorough examination of my darker aspects and discovering where I stood in relation to the abyss was an amazing learning experience. Eventually I moved my focus, and don't see myself going back in that direction any time soon.

My advice would always be : be sure to know your, let's say dark passenger, the best you can, explore your dark side, because denying it could cost you much more than it's exploration.

It's been well fed over the years, so I don't see it rearing its awful head in the near future. I did have one altercation with a toxic individual a while back that brought it out in a minor way, but that instance wasn't nearly as bad as it would have been in my teens. It's pretty tough to break me down to that point anyway.

maybe we are SUPPOSED to fight

haha... Maybe. I can see it now: "INFJ Fight Club Ring Shut Down".

I think there is some misconception in this thread as to what is meant by dark side because the language is ambiguous. It means different things to different people which leads to comparing apples with oranges.

I agree with you, Praefect. Sorry for the ambiguity. On the other hand, it's interesting to see how people are choosing to interpret it. To be honest, I'm not sure I could describe it properly. It's essentially a raw emotional state that takes control of me in certain situations. Sometimes it comes forth in a physical manner (shakes, gritted teeth), sometimes it's as though pure rage is flowing through my veins, sometimes an uncontrolled frenzy in my mind, and other times it manifests as a sinister deviance (with which I'm generally content). It rarely shows itself at all these days, though, and when it does it's usually it's pretty harmless.

Can you have light without shade?

"What is light without dark? I am a part of you all! You cannot destroy me. We are brothers eternal."

For the record, I'm 41 and only now beginning to be willing to take a look at this within myself and mostly I'm still afraid and unwilling, even though I know ignoring it only gives it unchecked channels.

Thanks, tovlo. I like what you had to say here. I hadn't considered how our extraverted feeling process might play into this, but that seems pretty straightforward now that you've brought it to our attention. Indeed - "come to some agreement with the darkness" - so true of my experience. I ran away from it for years, but it just kept building up inside, so I finally stopped running.

It seems like it might be easier to deal with as we get older, so you've probably avoided the worst of it.

 

[muir]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=616PgQCUcp0"]YouTube - The Lord of Darkness - Tim Curry voice[/ame]

 

[dark_angel]

The significance of your username wasn't lost on me (although possibly unrelated, it made me think of the TV show, which I loved).

I did not know that a TV show existed with that name (South Africa is always behind on TV shows) when I chose it but when I googled it upon being informed of it I still liked the reference to it and decided to keep it anyway