INFJs and the Cold Shoulder
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sassafras
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How I'd react?
I'd feel hurt and confused if I didn't know why I was being given the cold shoulder. If I did know why, I'd still be hurt that this person would elect to behave this way rather than working it out. I'd apologize, say my peace, and then step back and let the person get over it. I'd probably still feel pretty shitty, though. Especially if I was close with the person.
I'd feel hurt and confused if I didn't know why I was being given the cold shoulder. If I did know why, I'd still be hurt that this person would elect to behave this way rather than working it out. I'd apologize, say my peace, and then step back and let the person get over it. I'd probably still feel pretty shitty, though. Especially if I was close with the person.
cvp12gh5
What a lovely way to burn...
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I guess it would all depend on the situation. Have you done something that terrible to deserve this type of treatment? If the answer is 'no' then I would ask them what was going on and take it from there.
If the answer is 'yes' then I would try to sincerely make things better. I would sit down with them, give a genuine apology, and show them through future action that I mean it.
La Sagna
I did it! I'm a butterfly!
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- 9
Giving the cold shoulder is one of the most childish and hurtful way to act. What can be a worse insult than showing someone that they are not even worth speaking to? It is considered a form of emotional abuse.
I've been on the receiving end of the cold shoulder and I would rather someone yell at me and call me names than give me the cold shoulder. Then at least you have some clue as to what they are thinking or feeling, even if they are totally wrong at least you will know what they are wrong about, and if they have a legitimate complaint at least you will know why they are mad at you. If someone won't even discuss what is bothering them then things fester and end up becoming a larger problem.
I've been on the receiving end of the cold shoulder and I would rather someone yell at me and call me names than give me the cold shoulder. Then at least you have some clue as to what they are thinking or feeling, even if they are totally wrong at least you will know what they are wrong about, and if they have a legitimate complaint at least you will know why they are mad at you. If someone won't even discuss what is bothering them then things fester and end up becoming a larger problem.
Reanbell
Newbie
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- INFJ
When I get the cold shoulder I really feel anger before I feel hurt. It's so immature, rude, and just plain disrespectful. When it happens to me I really don't want to have anything to do with the person at that point and I just shove them out of my mind and try not to think about them. After all, if they're uncaring? Why should I care back. And that's if *they* are in the wrong.
If I'm in the wrong and I'm trying to apologize and reconnect... I feel like I deserve. And it does hurt also - because I'm trying so hard to work things out and knowing someone just doesn't want anything to do with me because of my actions makes me sink to a very low point.
If I'm in the wrong and I'm trying to apologize and reconnect... I feel like I deserve. And it does hurt also - because I'm trying so hard to work things out and knowing someone just doesn't want anything to do with me because of my actions makes me sink to a very low point.
LucyJr
Well-known member
- MBTI
- INFJ
It depends.
For example, in the past, I was a pretty egocentric person, I couldn't see anything but myself. So many times when I would get a a sign of depreciation, or just any unfriednly sign from people, even from closed ones, I would get really mad, because in my mind, everything was exagerated, because of my egocentric tendencies. So I couldn't judge things correctly, I was hold on by my own nature.
This is a very dangerous and unhealthy position many INFJs are, from my observations.
When you are less egotistical and egocentric, you can judge things correctly, wihtout any "side effects", sort of speak. For example, if I get a could shoulder from a closed one now, it will hut me really badly, but it won't be the kind of hurt and wound I got when I was self-centered, it will be more of a real hurt, based on pain because my relationship with that person doesn't work, its more of a altruistic kind of wound, with care for the realtionship and the person who gave me that could shoulder.
The egotistical response to a cold shoulder is hurted and wounded in a very different way, and much more insecure, there is alot of fear there, even bad thoughts and holding grudges and sometimes even a kind of envy, or more accurately, unforgivness. Its more of a "You hurted me really badly...why did you do it?" from a pure self-centered perspective.
But the other answer is really pained, and its not that kind of evil fear, its more of a healthy fear, a fear that things won't work out as good as I wish them to be.
Sory for being so philosophical, but this is very real for me, I lived it and I learned alot from it, and I can clearly differenciate between the two answers that two very different persons could give.
For example, in the past, I was a pretty egocentric person, I couldn't see anything but myself. So many times when I would get a a sign of depreciation, or just any unfriednly sign from people, even from closed ones, I would get really mad, because in my mind, everything was exagerated, because of my egocentric tendencies. So I couldn't judge things correctly, I was hold on by my own nature.
This is a very dangerous and unhealthy position many INFJs are, from my observations.
When you are less egotistical and egocentric, you can judge things correctly, wihtout any "side effects", sort of speak. For example, if I get a could shoulder from a closed one now, it will hut me really badly, but it won't be the kind of hurt and wound I got when I was self-centered, it will be more of a real hurt, based on pain because my relationship with that person doesn't work, its more of a altruistic kind of wound, with care for the realtionship and the person who gave me that could shoulder.
The egotistical response to a cold shoulder is hurted and wounded in a very different way, and much more insecure, there is alot of fear there, even bad thoughts and holding grudges and sometimes even a kind of envy, or more accurately, unforgivness. Its more of a "You hurted me really badly...why did you do it?" from a pure self-centered perspective.
But the other answer is really pained, and its not that kind of evil fear, its more of a healthy fear, a fear that things won't work out as good as I wish them to be.
Sory for being so philosophical, but this is very real for me, I lived it and I learned alot from it, and I can clearly differenciate between the two answers that two very different persons could give.
Elis
Permanent Fixture
- MBTI
- ENFJ
Most times when I've been given the "cold shoulder" it has been due to some internal struggle on their part, often unrelated to me. I'll hear them out, if they let me.
If they don't want to talk to me, then that is fine. I'll try to convey that they can talk to me once they're ready, and that they can talk to me if they need someone to talk to.
If it is solely directed at me, then I'll try to talk it out. If it can't be helped, then we'll just have to accept our differences.
I have yet to be shut out of someones life, it is usually the other way around.
If they don't want to talk to me, then that is fine. I'll try to convey that they can talk to me once they're ready, and that they can talk to me if they need someone to talk to.
If it is solely directed at me, then I'll try to talk it out. If it can't be helped, then we'll just have to accept our differences.
I have yet to be shut out of someones life, it is usually the other way around.
Erlian
Community Member
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- 6>9>8>5>1>2
I gave someone the cold shoulder once. Or as I then described it 'to shut the door on someone'.
We were close as friends. Used to be FWB. I simply loved her too much. She ended up hurting me often, due to inconsiderate yet understandable behaviour (lot of Fi and Se).
She liked me a lot too, but as a close friend.
She did something that made me really angry. Friends advised me to just quit her. Not my friends. "Our" friends, who btw think I overreacted.
I told her I didn't want to see her anymore. That I removed her number from my phone and her as friend on FB.
Later that night friends told me she had cried a lot. I almost burst in tears of guilt. I wanted to say I'm sorry. I wanted to hug her. I didn't. Friends talked me out of it. We needed distance they said.
My gnawing conscious did eventually cause a minor break in my resolve. I approached her and told her that if she wanted to hear my story she could. This was two days after it happened. She replied cold and slightly angry.
My offer is still open to her, but she doesn't want it. My conscious is at rest.
Conclusion of situation
I loved her too much. If we talked, I'd try to make it work again somehow and promise to not love her too much again. A promise I've made and never kept many times before.
I still see her sometimes in the presence of our friends, who we both don't want to leave. We mostly ignore each other. It works often enough, but sometimes it's slightly painful/awkward.
Conclusion of giving cold shoulder
I think my decision had negative effects on the short term. We were both really hurt. Also my decision at the time wasn't based on the right reasons, I was still angry or rather indifferent (which arguably is worse than anger) of her.
But on the long term I think it's for the best. We were close, drawn to each other, but we kept hurting. This divide I created between us ensures no such hurting on the long term.
If I could go back in time, I'd do it differently. I'd explain it more clearly. Less pain on the short term, same results on the long term.
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If someone gave me the cold shoulder I wouldn't accept it. I might give them a few days, but after that I'd possibly bug them to explain theirselves. A few more days later I might give up, starting to become indifferent of them.
Note that if someone did to me what I did to the girl above, I'd definitely use the given opportunity to hear their story.
We were close as friends. Used to be FWB. I simply loved her too much. She ended up hurting me often, due to inconsiderate yet understandable behaviour (lot of Fi and Se).
She liked me a lot too, but as a close friend.
She did something that made me really angry. Friends advised me to just quit her. Not my friends. "Our" friends, who btw think I overreacted.
I told her I didn't want to see her anymore. That I removed her number from my phone and her as friend on FB.
Later that night friends told me she had cried a lot. I almost burst in tears of guilt. I wanted to say I'm sorry. I wanted to hug her. I didn't. Friends talked me out of it. We needed distance they said.
My gnawing conscious did eventually cause a minor break in my resolve. I approached her and told her that if she wanted to hear my story she could. This was two days after it happened. She replied cold and slightly angry.
My offer is still open to her, but she doesn't want it. My conscious is at rest.
Conclusion of situation
I loved her too much. If we talked, I'd try to make it work again somehow and promise to not love her too much again. A promise I've made and never kept many times before.
I still see her sometimes in the presence of our friends, who we both don't want to leave. We mostly ignore each other. It works often enough, but sometimes it's slightly painful/awkward.
Conclusion of giving cold shoulder
I think my decision had negative effects on the short term. We were both really hurt. Also my decision at the time wasn't based on the right reasons, I was still angry or rather indifferent (which arguably is worse than anger) of her.
But on the long term I think it's for the best. We were close, drawn to each other, but we kept hurting. This divide I created between us ensures no such hurting on the long term.
If I could go back in time, I'd do it differently. I'd explain it more clearly. Less pain on the short term, same results on the long term.
-----------------------------------
If someone gave me the cold shoulder I wouldn't accept it. I might give them a few days, but after that I'd possibly bug them to explain theirselves. A few more days later I might give up, starting to become indifferent of them.
Note that if someone did to me what I did to the girl above, I'd definitely use the given opportunity to hear their story.
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I used to have a very close group of friends, about a dozen of us would get together several times a week to cook and eat dinner, watch tv or movies, & have coffee. I was going thru some severe depression and anxiety at the time, and would withdraw periodically to chill, cry, or sometimes recharge. Well I guess that wasn't allowed, because invariably someone would come after me to find out why I was mad or what was wrong. I appreciated the effort, but I suppose it started wearing on some of them that they couldn't fix me/it. And I didn't want to be isolated, but I also needed space occasionally. One friend came to me and asked me what my problem was. I told him I didn't thimk it was fair that everyone else's problems were fine, pointing out a couple friends wjo had issues the group was more than fine dealing with, but that mine were somehow too demanding of my friends when I expected nothing from them. It frustrated me to not end.
A few weeks later I noticed a girl in the group had unfriended me on facebook, so I messaged her asking if it was an accident. She replied that it was absolutely not an accident, that she could never forgive me for all the shit I said (what?), and never to contact her again. To this day I have no idea what she thinks I said or did to make her so angry. I truly believe that whatever she was told was untrue or at the very least not completely accurate. But this was like 8 years ago and she still has me blocked on FB. I only know this because we still have mutual friends who will reply to comments by her that I cannot see.
At any rate, it still hurts that she won't talk to me. At least long enough to tell me what she thinks I've done. It makes me wonder what she's told our friends I've done that is most likely false. It hurts, but there's nothing I can do to change it. I really loved having her friendship.
A few weeks later I noticed a girl in the group had unfriended me on facebook, so I messaged her asking if it was an accident. She replied that it was absolutely not an accident, that she could never forgive me for all the shit I said (what?), and never to contact her again. To this day I have no idea what she thinks I said or did to make her so angry. I truly believe that whatever she was told was untrue or at the very least not completely accurate. But this was like 8 years ago and she still has me blocked on FB. I only know this because we still have mutual friends who will reply to comments by her that I cannot see.
At any rate, it still hurts that she won't talk to me. At least long enough to tell me what she thinks I've done. It makes me wonder what she's told our friends I've done that is most likely false. It hurts, but there's nothing I can do to change it. I really loved having her friendship.
BrokenDaniel
Infraction Bin
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- 4w5 Sx/Sp
A couple of times i knew exactly why some close and very important persons in my life were giving me the cold shoulder. It felt really bad, but i understood it somehow so i'll let them be for a while until they are able to talk to me again. Once, asking why and pushing for an answer was way worse, way, way worse. What [MENTION=4361]Elis[/MENTION] said seems like a very healthy approach to it in most cases, imo. Unless the problem is more specific.