That's some really great and insightful advice from sassafras. That's how I imagine INFJs are at their best.
Is sass INFJ though?
INFJ ex-bf moved on really fast
- Thread starter milkandhoney23
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Is sass INFJ though?
It feels comforting to know that I'm not alone and the only one. The moment everything ends, you have to suddenly readjust your life, it almost feels like a death of someone except you feel betrayed as well; left vulnerable. I know I'll eventually get a hold of my life again; the work and the wait for it is the hard part. My life has been in shambles for a while even during the relationship. I've been too comfortable with him and never took it seriously to get my shit together; was too lazy. Our breakup has been the pushing force to get me to actually do something about myself.I've been there, girl. The majority of us have. I think the statistics are something like the average person goes through about three major break ups in their lives? I'm not sure. But I do know that they do suck something serious. Not only are we losing a person we care about, breakups also have a way of exposing every single one of our insecurities and the things we don't like about ourselves.
The good news is, as time goes on, the easier it gets to bounce back because you remember what you did to survive the last one. (The first major one is the worst. You're still figuring out your strategies)
The other piece of good news is, that break ups can also be major sources of motivation to get our shit together. You can transfer a lot of your anger into determination. If you feel like the competition gets you fired up, take the opportunity to channel it into something useful.
Yep. The reminders will do it for you. It's not exactly an analogous situation, but I ended a decade long friendship about a month ago. We had a huge fight and it was this terrible, hurtful drama, and then.... no contact. Which was for the best, and it was something I knew was right. But there were things that would constantly remind me of her throughout the house. I literally had to go around and pack up those things in a box and set it aside. I donated about 90% of them to charity. The rest, I put into storage. It sounds so dramatic, but y'know, it helped me screw my head on straight. Deleting emails and conversations helped too. Over five years of daily text correspondence on my phone. Boop! All gone.
And I felt freer for it.
Whenever you're ready to do that, do consider purging your life of reminders of him. It does help. Clearly, the updates and reminders are what are your identified triggers here now.
Just from a number of things you described, it's plenty clear that there was a lot of incompatibilities in the relationship. And he definitely was in the wrong at times.
I'm just reluctant to encourage you to keep circling this drain because your main upset here is your ex moving on while you're still standing in the same place. Closure is more about gaining back control than anything else. And if you keep thinking and thinking and thinking and he keeps getting further and further ahead, you're not going to get back control over the thing that's upsetting you. I think it would be more beneficial for you to cut off the gossip line about him, start taking action on some goals and get back a bit of your self-confidence.
And I don't think you're going to be able to do that if your focus is on investigating your self-worth based on how this boy treated you in the relationship and who was right and who was wrong. Pick something to work on that *you* know you need to work on. Even if its a small thing and easily achievable. Reach for the quick victories. And I promise you, before long, you'll be in a better position to properly mourn the relationship when you've got your sense of power back.
If you think about it some more, you'll probably come up with a whole list of things you didn't like about this guy and what made you two incompatible. You absolutely weren't the only one with flaws in this relationship, for sure. Remember that.
Yeah, it's entirely possible he's taken a page out of his father's book on how to deal with break ups. It's also possible he hit rush-delivery on his new relationship to make up for the instability in his family situation. It's also possible that its both.
But as long as he's doing what he's doing and not rubbing this in your face, then technically he's not doing any of this to be cruel. This is just what he thinks is right for him.
I think if you're not talking to him or learning any of this from social media, its your friends that are the issue here. Why are they telling you about this garden thing and all the details as to how quickly he's moving with this new girlfriend. Why do they think you need to know this? Of course this shit is going to hurt.
Keep in mind that break ups are a process, not an event. Even if he knew that you two weren't going to work out (and honestly, the breaking up over petty conflicts would suggest this), it's still highly likely that he meant it when he said 'I love you.' In fact, it's common for people to part ways on 'I love you's' as a way to honor their feelings for the other person. You don't just one day wake up and feel nothing for a partner you've been with for the past two years. You can continue loving a partner even when you know its best for you to part ways. Part of him will probably always care for you. You two have been through a lot.
It's just... well, people will always try and do things that they believe will make them happy. It may not make sense to you, but it makes sense to them. This philosophy he has on life is a perfect example of that.
Ugh, yeah. You should probably have a chat with your mutual friends, then. Any time he comes up, just say something like: 'You know what, I'm happy for him and I wish him well, but let's talk about something else' and immediately change the topic of the conversation. It might be helpful to have a few topics prepared in case you need to fill in the blanks. Eventually, they'll get the message.
At the end of the day, I think you got to move towards empowering yourself.
Everything reminds me of him because we've done so much together and have been to so many places together. I haven't done that with anyone else. He gave my life a lot of gifts in that sense. I got to be able to live a life I've never lived before and I'll always be thankful for that. I just have to remember what it was like before I ever dated him. I was happy with myself back then. I was happy being alone. Not that any of me being unhappy was his problem. I just really lost myself as the year progressed. I've honestly changed so much since then. Purging is hard, too. I look back at some things and think "I would never get rid of this. It's really special and meaningful. A piece of my heart and the other person's heart is attached to it," but I know I have to get rid of everything for my sake so I'll come to it eventually. I have everything stored in the closet for now. So far, I've gotten rid of all the heartfelt letters he wrote for me; the one thing I never thought I would have the courage to get rid of because he poured all his heart into them and I loved every bit of it. The moment I heard about his new girl and their relationship, I threw them away. They are meaningless now and only exists faintly in my memory.
We were incompatible but I feel like if we were people free of issues, we would've been fine. Under the right circumstances, we would've been fine. Deep down, he was actually a great person and I known I'm a great person, too. I don't doubt for a second that his father had some influence in him; he ALWAYS had. His dad practically has him on a leash. He knows this and hates it, but he lives with him and sees him everyday. The dad had influence on our previous breakups and treats his son like a puppet. Dad's right in his face about everything so nothing can be helped and I know my ex is not a very strong minded/emotionally. I couldn't handle his father during the relationship; he too is overly emotional and sensitive and has always been trying to start wars with me over nothing. Maybe this new girl can. Either way, I hope he's happy and things work out. The way a person was raised and grew up makes a huge difference, I believe. I think this is the case. Divorced family and major issues within both of the parents; causes trauma. He had been abandoned by mom when the divorced happened and told me he has abandonment issues since then. Like someone said before, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He never has any intentions on hurting me. You're right though. He's just doing things for himself.
Yeah, it seems to that the friends are the issue here. The mutual friends we have are very talkative and will share everything. It's really uncomfortable and awkward when I hear them talking about the pair because I have to pretend like I'm fine when I hear that shit. I'll try doing what you said next time.
Wow, thank you for this. That actually makes a lot of sense now. I had a struggle wondering whether he really meant it or not. I never saw it this way which was why I was confused at times and misunderstood him. I asked him before if he really loved me and he seemed hurt that I would even wonder. We've been through so much together; through the good and bad. Yeah... that's not something you just forget. It's so bittersweet... loving someone even when it's all over and you two are in different worlds. I do still love and care about him as a person. As much as it hurts to see him with someone else, I want him to be happy because I love him. Overall, he's just doing things that's right to him and reading that makes me less hurt about everything. He's just trying to be happy...
Thank you so much for this. Your post really put everything together. The more help I get, the more shattered pieces of my mind are put back together again. I'm not into celebrity news, but recently, Selena Gomez released a single called "Lose You To Love Me" which is incredibly relatable to my situation right now. This couldn't have came out at a better time. It's crazy how the entire song sings true to my relationship with my ex and now. I had no idea Selena and Justin's relationship was so similar to mine. First loves, passionate, on and off, killing us slowly... The line "2 months you replaced us" hits me the hardest. I don't hate him and I don't want to, but honestly, I have to in order to move on and love myself. "I needed to hate you to love me."
D
Deleted member 16771
Don't get rid of everything. Keep something - the most meaningful and sentimental thing.
I almost went down this path with my first girlfriend (actually got rid of the majority of photographs), and then two years later she was dead, leaving me as the last and most significant relationship of her life. A relationship and a person takes on much more significance in the mortal context.
You may wish one day to have a tangible reminder of memories that were real. You may one day wish to have some keys to your past; maybe not today, or in ten years, or twenty even, but one day. Perhaps your children or grandchildren would like to know.
Don't be too brash with these measures, though it's good advice in general. This is just my perspective, though, forged in a very particular life experience.
I agree with @Deleted member 16771 .. put it all away where you can't see it .. one day you will look back on the nicer part of your relationship.
I hate looking at my exes photos .. that I took with studio lights .. and she looks freaking fantastic in (bitch!) .. but even now I feel like I can look at them and see the nicer side of where we were.
I think your whole attitude has changed recently. You seem to show so much growth already in realising that there were good parts and bad parts of the relationship. Remember the good parts fondly and make sure the bad parts are never endured or accepted in future relationships. Personally I think that is why we ruminate over the bad parts. It makes us remember them all too clearly so we don't make the same mistakes again (which we are all inclined to do unless we have truly learnt from them!)
You sound like a very bright person who will come through stronger from this and for being so young I applaud you for it. It is difficult. But don't let it make you bitter .. that path lies putting up barriers to keep people out when I think we need to open our hearts more because of who we are.
Yeah .. I talk shit sometimes .. I truly don't monitor the words being typed on the keyboard .. they come from my heart
I hate looking at my exes photos .. that I took with studio lights .. and she looks freaking fantastic in (bitch!) .. but even now I feel like I can look at them and see the nicer side of where we were.
I think your whole attitude has changed recently. You seem to show so much growth already in realising that there were good parts and bad parts of the relationship. Remember the good parts fondly and make sure the bad parts are never endured or accepted in future relationships. Personally I think that is why we ruminate over the bad parts. It makes us remember them all too clearly so we don't make the same mistakes again (which we are all inclined to do unless we have truly learnt from them!)
You sound like a very bright person who will come through stronger from this and for being so young I applaud you for it. It is difficult. But don't let it make you bitter .. that path lies putting up barriers to keep people out when I think we need to open our hearts more because of who we are.
Yeah .. I talk shit sometimes .. I truly don't monitor the words being typed on the keyboard .. they come from my heart
D
Deleted member 16771
Yeah .. I talk shit sometimes
@Deleted member 16771 .. tell the truth .. the comment above is what you "Agreed" with
@Deleted member 16771 .. tell the truth .. the comment above is what you "Agreed" with
D
Deleted member 16771
Lololol. Nah! Well, everybody talks shit sometimes, but I've only ever seen wisdom pour out of you, my friend.Yeah .. I talk shit sometimes
@Deleted member 16771 .. tell the truth .. the comment above is what you "Agreed" with
It sucks so much, I know. You have to reorder your entire life and even the image you have of yourself. The mind is a lazy thing. It hates change and readjusting to new routines. But these are the moments you can really seize to make the huge changes in your life because almost every significant part of you is now forced to rebuild itself from the ground up. Even as you mourn, and work on moving on, this could really be a blessing in a disguise.
I agree with Hos about not getting rid of everything. It will be nice to have keepsakes and momentos after you've grown through this and made peace with it. The love, lessons and value of the relationship doesn't just dissolve because it ended on a sour note. However, just the physical act of picking different things up and packing them up to put into storage is a way to symbolically internalize moving on and making room for new things in your life.
This process is going to be entirely your own and you can go as fast or as slow as you need to. A good rule of thumb is, if the reminder really, really hurts and it gets you ruminating, it's best to put the thing aside and trust you can come back to it later when you're in a different mind space.
Well, every relationship has issues and no one is 100% compatible. The key thing to keep in mind here is that people, like relationships, evolve. You might have started out better in sync and the relationship made sense for the both of you and where you were in your lives, but as life shifted, as you two changed, instead of growing together, you simply grew apart. And it happens. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault. It sounds to me like you guys are still young adults. The amount of change the average person of your age goes through at this stage of their lives can be stratospheric. You're still figuring life out. You're still figuring yourself out. Some people are lucky to find their person this young, but not everyone does. If you have a lot of growing to do, you grow, and that's that.
I think this will help immensely. Good luck!
I'm so happy that this helped you!
With time, this segment will have a place in your life and you'll look back on it as an incredible period of growth and maturity. For now, though, it's finding ways to get through it and being gentle with yourself.
Come talk to us any time
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Damn, I'm sorry about that; that's pretty rough. Death is the last thing you'd expect from anyone close or used to be close to you, but you never know exactly how life will pan out though.
To be honest, I kind of already got rid of all the important things such as the letters and the photos. The letters and photos were the bulk of it all. I had a whole flash drive of photos from every trip and memory we had because I liked keeping a bunch of them to go back to and revisit those memories by myself or with him. We have spent time together looking through old photos, videos, and letters just laughing and embracing each other; it was nice. I had all his handwritten letters and the book with all the flowers he gave me (pressed and taped onto it). I got rid of them all in the heat of the moment when it just hit me that it was really over. The news of his new gf and everything they were doing. I was really hurt during that time and when I threw them away, it felt good. It was like me not allowing a guy to step over my heart when he made space and filled his own with someone else. I still have the stuffed doll he gave me and some other items (like a jacket and doggy keychain). Luckily, I didn't throw those away, they're kept in the closet.
Talking about it now, I wish I hadn't done that because I feel totally indifferent now. Those photos and letters were a lot. They're permanently gone now, unfortunately. I had a lot of photos and videos of the fun/silly times we had. I'll miss that. I'm sure he gone through the same thing as I did. He probably threw everything away as well. Well, I'm not going mope around it though... I can use that flash drive for other things that come in my life in the future.
It's crazy to think that I'll recall this memory of him one day to someone (maybe a partner) or my children like it's a light story to tell. Even though I'm indifferent about him and everything else now, somewhere in my heart, he still means a lot.
lmao. Yeah, it was hard to look at anything without hating or crying at it when you're still in the phase of heavy emotions. When you're in a happier place, looking at them doesn't negatively affect you at all.
Before, I kept thinking how I wish I could go back and do things differently; I kept ruminating over the past. I am taking those bad parts and learning something from them. I'm far from perfect but if I ever act up or catch myself, I'll remember the mistakes I've made before and think about what I can do differently in the present/future.
D
Deleted member 16771
That's OK, too. You don't have to regret it.
In fact, I did the same thing - though it was a DVD full of photos rather than a flash drive.
It was only my mum and her foresight that saved some photos from the bin, which she gave to me when she died. I also couldn't bring myself to get rid of a letter she wrote to me, and a little pewter angel she'd brought back from a cadet shooting competition in Canada she'd gone to before we met (she gave one each to her immediate family, and saved the last one for 'someone special' which she gave to me).
Your memories are real. Your feelings are real. But right now you do need to purge and clean up a little bit, so don't be too hard on yourself in any aspect of this.
Thanks, it's been a couple of weeks and I do feel a lot better. I've picked up a second job, met a few new friends, reconnected with a few old friends (whom I lost touch with when I started dating). Saying yes to doing things out of my comfort zone really helps, too. I'm slowly but surely getting back to myself again. I'm introverted and have a lot of anxiety, but just going out and bettering myself (no matter how uncomfortable or scary it is) makes me feel so much better about myself; like I can be proud of myself again.It sucks so much, I know. You have to reorder your entire life and even the image you have of yourself. The mind is a lazy thing. It hates change and readjusting to new routines. But these are the moments you can really seize to make the huge changes in your life because almost every significant part of you is now forced to rebuild itself from the ground up. Even as you mourn, and work on moving on, this could really be a blessing in a disguise.
I agree with Hos about not getting rid of everything. It will be nice to have keepsakes and momentos after you've grown through this and made peace with it. The love, lessons and value of the relationship doesn't just dissolve because it ended on a sour note. However, just the physical act of picking different things up and packing them up to put into storage is a way to symbolically internalize moving on and making room for new things in your life.
This process is going to be entirely your own and you can go as fast or as slow as you need to. A good rule of thumb is, if the reminder really, really hurts and it gets you ruminating, it's best to put the thing aside and trust you can come back to it later when you're in a different mind space.
Well, every relationship has issues and no one is 100% compatible. The key thing to keep in mind here is that people, like relationships, evolve. You might have started out better in sync and the relationship made sense for the both of you and where you were in your lives, but as life shifted, as you two changed, instead of growing together, you simply grew apart. And it happens. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault. It sounds to me like you guys are still young adults. The amount of change the average person of your age goes through at this stage of their lives can be stratospheric. You're still figuring life out. You're still figuring yourself out. Some people are lucky to find their person this young, but not everyone does. If you have a lot of growing to do, you grow, and that's that.
I think this will help immensely. Good luck!
I'm so happy that this helped you!
With time, this segment will have a place in your life and you'll look back on it as an incredible period of growth and maturity. For now, though, it's finding ways to get through it and being gentle with yourself.
Come talk to us any time
Well, I just told my friends that I'm cool with my ex but I wish they didn't talk about him. And they responded with "We haven't even heard of anything from (ex and new girl) for a while now, actually. Not sure if they're a thing still." I guess that naturally worked out for me, haha.
We are both still young but I feel old; I'm going to get old. I've planned to marry by 25 and have children. I've just planned to do everything perfectly by the time I'm 30; get house, graduate, a good job. I think a majority of people have plans like that and some can make it through and some can't. I'm the person who couldn't make it through because I've got like 3 years till I'm 25 and I'm no where near getting a house or marrying anyone. By then, I'll have 5 more years till I'll be 30. Time is going by fast during your 20s because you're suppose to do all of that by 30. After 2 years in a serious relationship, I'm having to start all over again and somehow meet someone (whether they'll come by next year or in a few years, who knows). The older I get, the more pressed for time I become. You're right... at the same time, I'm still figuring myself out and figuring out what I want to do. Shits hard but I'm going to have to start chasing after what I want. This breakup was such a huge wake up call to me. I need to do better for myself; I've been slacking.
D
Deleted member 16771
That is excellent news. Good on you for poking your head out of your comfort zone. Keep at it and you'll find yourself even further along in a few weeks. I'm very happy to hear about all this progress you're making <3
As long as they're not giving you the daily report on stuff you don't need to hear, it's all good
This may or may not be of some comfort to you, but you have no idea how quickly your life can change in three months. You have three years until twenty-five; another seven until you're thirty. You might get your wish. You might not. What matters is the journey that colours in your life between goal posts. You're gonna do a lot of growing between now and even a year from now. You'll see.
Sometimes things will line up so quickly, so crazy perfect, you won't even know what hit you. It's just, bam, you make a decision and your whole life changes. Don't worry about planning things you can't control. Things have a way of working themselves out <3
Yeah, I know. I kind of giving up on that shit of doing what's expected by the time I turn 30. I think what happened recently helped give me a different outlook on life.. life's not perfect and nothing goes as planned. I guess your 20s is the years when you want things like a job, house, or a family. It's funny how I thought I wouldn't have any of that just because one guy left me.... well, it's because I planned my future with him before.*Sticks fingers in ears*
D
Deleted member 16771
Very true, but like Sass says everything can turn around in an instant.
In that regard life can be a bit like Gould's idea of 'punctuated equilibrium' in evolutionary biology - long stretches of basically the same shit punctuated by intense bursts of violent change.
Your mom knew what was best at the time; being the one who was not in a super emotional state. She knew that some things are worth saving because of all the meaning they carry.
It's weird how it's the small little things that matter the most. If you hadn't known or met her, none of those little items would even matter. They carry a lot of meaning to you and only you.