INFJ and ISTP? A possible match? Please help... | INFJ Forum

INFJ and ISTP? A possible match? Please help...

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lydia22_99

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Aug 17, 2009
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Hello fellow INFJ's...

I'm writing because I need some help, perhaps some advice. I recently got out of a relationship with a ISTP. He actually left the country to return to his family and I thought we had our chances but instead he broke up very abruptly. Not to get into too many details but we dated for 3.5 years, a very long time. During this time, our relationship was very very good for about 1.5-2 years but after the 2nd year it went down hill...mostly because I was very controlling and "unfair"--however, being a INFJ, I was so attached emotionally and I couldn't stand the thought of letting him go. I needed to "better myself" and become independent so I could show him that I could be with him!

We have been broken up for a month now (although he is another country) ...he has blocked me through messenger, facebook, etc...but the thing is that he calls me to talk. He makes flirty references to our old relationships...to be honest, it hurts me. I feel like I cannot move on because he is confusing me and it makes me feel like I have hope. I really know that there may be a person with a better matching personality for me...and reading INTO the myer-briggs personality matches has made me somewhat depressed because..ISTP's "live for the moment"--completely opposite of us....

Please help. Anyone know any stories of a INFJ/ISTP? I've googled it...no sucessful stories. I feel like this may be an extremely rare case. I would like to hear if anyone knows of any relationships such as this! Thank you.
 
Two well developed people of any type can have a successful relationship, but some types take more work than others.

You really just need to ask if he is interested, and if not, you need to give up and move on. Is it possible that you can have a working relationship? Yes, type doesn't determine your relationship. The issue is whether or not he is willing to work on it and whether or not you are willing to work on it.
 
i've dated an ISTP in the past and though the relationship was very stable and he was very loyal, there seemed to have been a communication barrier which left me unfulfilled intellectually as we had very different perspectives and often seemed to commensurate our views more than we did truly engage with each other. since the area of emotional expression was not my forte nor his, this added to the feeling of subtle disconnect i never could pinpoint clearly as things always seemed to be going well yet behind the steadiness left a feeling of vague angst on my part. ironically, i could not handle the times where he did let down his guard and freely expressed his raw emotions. i often felt repulsed more than i felt an emotional connection with him. i do not know why this is, but i believe it has something to do with the fact that as a Ti dominant, his bursts of uncontrolled Fi left me overwhelmed and caused me to withdraw. my experience is a bit different than yours as the roles seem to be reversed. i believe he was more attached than i was since he never foresaw why i felt we wouldn't work out. i had a hard time explaining why as in his view, there wasn't an obvious reason for the ending.

i agree with what Dragon said:
Two well developed people of any type can have a successful relationship, but some types take more work than others.
Click to expand...
also, it is important to keep in mind that type does not wholly define the individual and that variations do exist within a type, not to mention that there are unhealthy versions of each type.
i hope things turn out alright for you. wishing you well :)
 
I'm an ISTP.
 
I had a female friend who was an INFJ.

Well, basically, I'm not friends with the female INFJ anymore because she seemed to me very bi-polar. She had a lot of moodswings, and made assumptions on my part- saying I did things with no evidence to back it up, basically in hysteria. She seemed like an underdeveloped INFJ.

What I find from INFJs is that essentially they are too emotional for me, I have a hard time telling them how I feel and I end up being the one sorting out everything and trying to be helpful when they ask, and in the end we just drift apart.

Also, if you ask specific questions I can aid better. I've never been in a romantic relationship with anyone, so my answers are limited.
 
Slant! You stayed on topic!

*tears of pride*
 
Shut up! You're going to make it go away!
 
in my honest opinion not without a hell of lot of work.

For me personally probably not. The N/S divide is often very hard to cross and not being able to communicate on the same level would really stress me out.
 
Maybe he's dating someone else? I've got an ESTP friend, and he'd block certain girls on messenger because in his username he'd write his undying love towards a girl. But he'd still chat on the phone with them, in one instance, during sex.

His blocking on the IM's means he's controlling when he can be contacted. I don't see any future for you two.
 
Nearly all my past romantic encounters have been with ISTP or ESTP males. I don't want to paint them all with the same brush but you can bet that they've exhausted my mind to the point where I've matured significantly, yes... but not with out having to do a lot of mental exercises during the process.

It is late and so I'm a bit all over the place with this but one thing that sticks out in my mind with my STP relationships would be my knack for assuming their behaviors meant 'so much more'. It wasn't that I was wrong or right in the end but often it was the fact that I was trying to 'figure' them out that usually caused the tension.

If I had known that sitting them down to hash things out, dig deep into their feelings and ask question upon question was actually causing them quite a bit of anxiety since they genuinely didn't have answers... well then, I would've saved myself the mental anguish of assuming they didn't trust me, like me, etc etc!

There is a possibility that I'm wrong because I'm coming strictly from personal experience but it is common for an ISTP to deny me calling the shots hang out, etc, but will reach out for a date maybe a week later. Likely because I said something funny to them over the phone. It will appear absolutely absurd to them if I express hurt over the initial denial since they're simply hanging out with me a week later.

Basically, if I'm in a low place and seeking some classic INFJ coddling... I know better than to try and reflect my ideals upon STP types.

Sounds like you're on the right track with your talk of self-growth and I sincerely hope that you stumble across somebody perhaps a bit more on your wave-length? Good luck, girl!
 
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INFJ/ISTP match

Hello

I have had an on-off romance with an ISTP boy for over 7 years now
 
It's been about 1.5 months since we broke up. Anyway, he basically blocked me out of his life.. even if I come to talk to him gently, he is very cruel and just says "What do you want" -- stuff like that...sometimes I think I deserve it because I have treated him meanly in the past...but basically he is cutting me off I feel like...I've kind of accepted it. And I realized that I saw signs coming. I felt like he was loving me less the past few months of the relationship...it's pretty sad..yea...
 
I notice this post is old, but I find myself in a similar situation searching the internet for information. It helped me to read I am not the only one who has had a similar experience. I am starting to understand a little more about this personality type and more about my own needs in a relationship. I wanted to take the time to thank those who participated.
 
lydia22_99 said:
Hello fellow INFJ's...

I'm writing because I need some help, perhaps some advice. I recently got out of a relationship with a ISTP. He actually left the country to return to his family and I thought we had our chances but instead he broke up very abruptly. Not to get into too many details but we dated for 3.5 years, a very long time. During this time, our relationship was very very good for about 1.5-2 years but after the 2nd year it went down hill...mostly because I was very controlling and "unfair"--however, being a INFJ, I was so attached emotionally and I couldn't stand the thought of letting him go. I needed to "better myself" and become independent so I could show him that I could be with him!
Click to expand...

I can relate. I was in a relationship with an ISTP female for almost two years and even though we had a hard time communicating I still felt very attached and protective of her. During our relationship we broke up a total of 3 times, the third time being the last and best. The first time I broke up with her because of her lack of communication with me. I mistook her lack of communicating for disinterest and let her go. I came to realize that I had made a mistake and we got back together. The second time we broke up because she wanted to go out and party, go dancing and to clubs, get drunk and all that stuff and I had just quit several addictions prior to meeting her and I didn't want to be in situations where people were going to be doing drugs and getting drunk. She ended up not going out because she didnt want to without me and I knew this bothered her. Eventually it became too much for her and I knew for her happiness we needed to break up despite the fact we both loved each other. We ended up getting back together and lasted another year after that before it became time. It was time for me because I felt our relationship was constraining my growth because we didn't have any similar interests and she wanted to go live life. So we broke up really well and we still see each other on campus and chit chat.

Looking back I am not sure why I loved her. We had nothing in common and we didn't communicate well. There was just this very strong attraction we both had I think. I think that is what made her hard to let go of the first two times we broke up. The third time the breakup was a huge relief, like a huge weight had been lifted as soon as i broke up with her. I felt minor depression for only a week or so and then I was happy again. I knew it was time.

It sounds to me like you broke up before you were ready to.
 
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