INFJ and ENFJ dating

I think your partner could probably show a little more interest and affection. But if he's interested, he may be nervous about showing it. INFJs are a very passionate lot, even though it may not be immediately obvious when interacting with them initially. But when they're comfortable with a partner, they go full force. I think there's the fear that they may overwhelm someone with how much they feel if they reveal too much too quickly.

So, maybe he's feeling you out, seeing how interested you are, testing you so to speak, to see how responsive you are to someone like him. Many INFJs fear that they're not going to be appreciated as much if they open up too soon, so they hold back, to see how far this person will go to demonstrate their interest. He may not want to respond or return the affection too soon if he thinks it's not going to work out in the long term. Now, this is assuming that he's very interested.

On the other hand, it seems he's expecting you to do all the work, which seems a bit imbalanced. But he may be thinking that if you're willing to do the work, then he shouldn't have to. He may be taking advantage because you're the more extroverted of the two and the aggressor in the relationship. I'm not sure if you've done this, but maybe you could send him an email and lightly bring up the fact that you tend to be the one who initiates the interactions, and when he doesn't initiate as much, you're not sure what to think. But my experience is limited, so I'm not sure how helpful this is, but best of luck.

 

hmm INFJs are very perceptive so he should have figured it out already that you like him. And if he's not making active moves yet then it means he has doubts about his feelings. Or maybe something is bothering him.

 

He could also see you as an older and more mature woman, and he is unsure how to act with this and REALLY doesn't want to screw it up. Have you tried to sit down and talk about it? Actually, it might be better not to discuss it face to face, I always have a hard time pinpointing my thoughts when I am face to face and I make myself look like a jackass.

Don't give up on him so quickly, but communication is definitely key. Can't tell you for sure though, we all have different contexts.

 

If he's like me, he probably isn't interested. He might be lonely and think he is interested. I know that my past two relationships have ended poorly because I let my desire to have a partner overwhelm any sort of reason or judgment.

But that's just if it was me.

 

I don't know about this INFJ, but I am really shy when it comes to stuff like that, so maybe he's shy.

 

If it were me, it'd be because I'd be afraid of connecting too quickly. It takes me a while to connect, but when I do, I connect strongly. That's hard for some people to understand and what not.

Plus, if you didn't call him, he might be worried that he was smothering you and you were avoiding him. He probably wanted to make sure that if you wanted space, he gave it to you. I do that sometimes -- it might not be that he doesn't like you as opposed to he was confused of your intentions.

 

Yep. And the main problem is, we're both conflict-avoiding. Someone needs to take initiative in the conflict-communication area, which can be hard. Although it may feel like you're doing all the work, it might just be that the INFJ still isn't sure if you're ready to have them cling on you, and so they're keeping their distance until they're totally smitten.

Don't worry too much about being awkward or whatever. Say what you feel, and be confident in that; you'll be fine.

 

Agree 100%. Quickest way to find out is to let him know you are interested enough to share some of your feelings with him, that means a lot to me at least.

I am personally so used to going completely overboard that I "oversteer" completely shelling up and unintentionally becoming silent.

 

Are you sure he is an INFJ? It sounds as if he could be an INFP.

INFJs are assertive when it comes to social expectations, and are perceptive enough to understand them. If you guys are having a sexual relationship and he is an INFJ, then he does like you (though it is possible that he's been hurt recently and doesn't have as much to give because he gave it already and has to rebuild his capacity). If an INFJ likes you, he knows what his role is, and would be asking you out (though not as often as you might like, but he'd be doing it).

INFPs on the other hand... can get so lost in their heads that they forget anyone else exists. I'm an INFJ/ENFJ borderline, and I've had this exact problem with all four INFPs I've dated. The chemistry and connectivity are unbelievable, and then they don't call or contact you, ever. Yet, when you call them and say 'hey we should do something' they almost always jump at the chance. If he's an INFP, let me give you an important word of advice... He's thinking about you. A lot. And if you wait too long to contact him, he's going to assume you're not interested and take it personally. I know it makes no sense, but that's how they're wired. My latest (current) INFP did something the other night that I thought was very telling about this phenomenon. After hanging out with me all night, with lots of connection and passion, she checks her phone to see no calls or messages and says, "Hmph. Nobody loves me." If your guy is an INFP, the fact that he's agreeing to hang out with you is a huge sign that he likes you, because INFPs are amazing at being unreachable when they don't want to be.

In other words, if he's an INFJ, he likes you but is likely broken. If he's an INFP, he likes you, and thinks about you a lot. In either case, the fact that he's asked you to a weekday thing means he really likes you. I'm sure he's planning for the usual afterward unless he has some other obligations. Asking you to do that is definitely asking you to be a bigger part of his life.

 

As an INFJ, I totally suck at picking up my phone and calling someone. It's not that I don' want to talk to them. If they call, I'll talk their ear off and be happy that they called. But rarely do I actually end up being the one to make the call.

I spent years thinking that my ideal pairing as an INFJ male would be an ENFJ female. I finally dated a my ENFJ female a few months ago, and it only lasted a few weeks. As a side note my girlfriend before her was an INFJ. In both cases, I found the common ground to be over whelming and actually harder to work with when it came to communication. We were so in tune with how the other person was thinking that it sometimes was hard to know what to say, because they other person already knew it.

One other piece of advice- if he's being quite, shy, and not talking, it's not because he doesn't have anything to say. That's his "f" thinking hard, not wanting to say the wrong thing. Us INFJ's spend lots of time dwelling on wanting to say the perfect thing, and thinking about every possible alternative of how it can be interpreted prior to actually saying it. If I'm about to have a serious conversation with my girlfriend (especially a recently acquired one, which seemingly is all I deal with lately), I'm going to ponder what to say to endless possibilities prior to actually having the conversation. It will take you time, but learn to coax him into talking.

 

I hear that a lot, hehe.

Yeah, it's more likely he's one or the other. The types are actually quite different.

However, let's review.

Every time you ask him out, he goes out with you and gives you a date that lasts several days. You have amazing conversations, great sex, and the only thing you're missing is that you're the one who initiates everything, but he takes it from there?

I'm failing to see the problem. Just call him and ask him out when you want to go out, and you will. You have a made-to-order boyfriend there. Instant lovin'. All you have to do is pick up the phone.

(I know how it is to feel that things should be a certain way, but as an ENFJ, you'll learn that sometimes they're just not, and when you adapt your perspective a little you realize that things are better exactly the way they already are.)

 

Are you still dating this individual?

 

Maybe, maybe not...but it was nearly two years ago, so it's hard to say.

 

Sounds to me like it worked out, since she never came back for advice.