Infatuation | INFJ Forum

Infatuation

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by ohmermaid, Dec 10, 2008.

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  1. ohmermaid

    ohmermaid Community Member

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  2. HolySmoke

    HolySmoke endeavoring to persevere

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    I think it is genuine bullshit, but don't listen to me because I defy norms when it comes to issues on matters of love. I'm still infatuated with my husband. He still takes my breath away and he's made it quite clear that I have the same impact on him. So, whereas infatuation is easy when you are first involved, is it superficial? Not necessarily. Will it wax and wane? Yes. What started for us as love at first sight (actually more instant for him than me) developed into something else that took years to solidify (trust issues, true understanding, appreciation of other unexpected qualities, abilities to see the positive over the negative, find humor in the negative) and still grow as a unified entity is tricky business, but not impossible, with two committed and mature individuals. He can be stubborn and difficult, but ultimately he treats me like a goddess and I treat him like a king, so it works. Are we still infatuated? Yes. Has it always been that way? Not quite, but pretty much that essence has never faded entirely. All it would take was the right comment or look and we'd be restored.

    But we have a pact. If he didn't treat me well (and he knows my terms) it wouldn't work. Period. In return, I make his world blissfully happy. He is my major priority. Our children well cared for and his home beautiful and so on and so forth. People may smirk, shirk and say whatever, but if you knew us we are highly compatible in many, many ways.

    Quoting from the link :
    Infatuation does powerful, magical things. Infatuation 'magnifies' the intensity of feelings you get from shared experiences with your partner.
    (TRUE)

    Real love is the sum of the positive bonds you build up from shared positive experiences with your partner. The size of the good feeling is intensified, or 'magnified' by the madness of infatuation.
    (TRUE)

    And I might add that real love is also the sum of negative experiences that you move through together coming out stronger, somehow, together. Some times it take the advantage of time and perspective to appreciate that.

    Also it is important to continue to let the other person grow, even if it is in directions that may not seem right for you as an individual, but perhaps right for them for their own reasons.

    Healthy unattachment and simultaneous surrender all in one loving package is something to consider.
     
    #2 HolySmoke, Dec 10, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2008
  3. Lurker

    Lurker Has nothing to destroy
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    You can absolutely be in love and still be infatuated imho HS, in fact it sounds like the best way to be *envy* I think the problems arise when infatuation is either one sided or not based in reality.

    For me unhealthy infatuation goes as quickly as it comes, after the fantasy has gone and reality is left I will either see the guy as a flawed human and like what I see regardless and therefore still be interested or realise I thought he was something else entirely and am completely uninterested. Either way the surface, unrealistic infatuation passes and is replaced by more realistic feelings, infatuation is still there but it's more grounded, I like it better once that has happened as it means I'm less likely to idealise someone as something they are not nor could ever be.
     
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  4. OP
    ohmermaid

    ohmermaid Community Member

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    i think it might also be differences on the definition of infatuation. infatuation as defined in the article seems more like an impulsive, one-dimensional obsession with another person. it is more like a definition of limerence. like lurker said, 'unhealthy'.

    but you're right! infatuation that can co-exist with a deeper relationship is definitely something to consider - that was something that i had decided on long before reading the article LOL - no matter how silly it makes me seem. i don't ever fully want to lose my husband's infatuation.

    i suppose it's something i'm going through right now. this is the most serious relationship i've been in so far and the infatuation is definitely there but oh my god, it is such hard work sometimes. you really have to hang on by tooth and nail and work through things no matter how much they hurt.

    i'm still learning!
    :m111:
     
  5. HolySmoke

    HolySmoke endeavoring to persevere

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    Lurker, I completely remember all of that in my dating experiences and agree with you. Sorry, OM, I missed part of your message. It takes a tremendous amount of work even when you are compatible, in love, and totally committed to making it work ! ! !

    I will add that, in my experience, there is a joint respect that builds in time when you go through rough patches t/g are able to work through issues in the long term. It may take years to see it that way. So much patience and commitment is necessary. It helps to have a mature, forgiving partner and one who can see the trees from the forest as well, but these are rare qualities. They need to be nurtured at times. ;)
     
    #5 HolySmoke, Dec 10, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2008
  6. enigma

    enigma Armed and Fabulous!

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    I would have to agree. My husband and I have been together for 12 years, and are still crazy about each other, still act like we just got together.
     
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  7. HolySmoke

    HolySmoke endeavoring to persevere

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    We're at 11 years in January ! How nice and thank you for your reply. ;)
     
    #7 HolySmoke, Dec 10, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2008
  8. TK*

    TK* Community Member

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    HS, I hope to have the same feelings for my SO like you after 11yrs. Reading your post took my breath away. Lately, when I hear/see couples in love who are married it makes me wanna get married. If I'm still with my bf after 2-3yrs we just might!

    :m015: HURRAY FOR LOVE!
     
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  9. HolySmoke

    HolySmoke endeavoring to persevere

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    Awe, thanks TK, that's really sweet ! I hope you are able to give and receive all of the love in the world with your boyfriend.

    If you want some details filled in...I rarely reveal them and tend to edit, but imho it's the ones you don't think will last that can be the shockers. Truth be told I had other marriage proposals (I'm not revealing how many right now), but anyway, I said no to all of them. He is a bold individual and basically said I want you and only you and this is why. My God, the memories are sweet. Anyway, I said YES ! No one thought we'd make it a year ! lol. (He was included in that number, but, here's the clincher... he told me he wanted me for as long as he could have me. :( The day he realized I was in it for the duration was when our marriage reached new heights. He really is an awesome and brilliant individual. Strongest mind I know. Sorry for my love rantings...his eyes, his eyes, ok, I'll stop. Sorry. I have been extremely fortunate in that regard.
     
    #9 HolySmoke, Dec 10, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2008
  10. enigma

    enigma Armed and Fabulous!

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    Do you ever get the 'oh gawd you guys... you'd think you were teenagers for goodness sakes....you two still act like you just met... you mean you aren't sick of each other yet... how many years is it now?????'

    We do all the time - but then we are always holding hands or have our arms around each other...
     
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  11. HolySmoke

    HolySmoke endeavoring to persevere

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    Yep, I practically mauled him at a nightclub the other night. He was just standing there like my bodyguard at a safe distance and some guy approached me. It was awkward because this guy was insisting I meet his friends, there was someone I just HAD to meet. My husband was off watching, waiting for me to figure it all out. lol Not the jealous type. Anyway, I was standing in front of a group of about 5 men staring at me, so I turned around and saw someone I knew and said... "Take me to my husband please", so arm and arm he returned me to him and I felt safe again.
     
  12. civilianjones

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    #12 civilianjones, Dec 11, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2008
  13. OP
    ohmermaid

    ohmermaid Community Member

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    i really like the point system that the author used. though limerence would have been a better choice, i just read the thing assuming that he meant limerence anyway.

    omg that's so cute! it's so refreshing to hear stories of good, strong marriages - need more of those around here.
     
  14. HolySmoke

    HolySmoke endeavoring to persevere

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    Good, good articles. The story on not falling in love was brutal, exhausting and very sad indeed.

    Thanks OM.
     
    #14 HolySmoke, Dec 11, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2008

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