I'm about to drop a bomb

[INTP in exploration mode]

Yeah because literally everything was revolving around her needs towards the end. I'm pretty clear where I went wrong and things I could have done better. I took to heart her complaints and she's damn smart and many of them were accurate however most of the complaints were that I had needs for reciprocation or a little attention/validation that she didn't want to put effort towards. Basically if I was a robot with no needs and could serve at her pleasure we would have gotten along fine. Even if 70% of the attention was on her in the relationship but 30% was on me I could have been happy but it was more like 90%/10% and I couldn't cope with that. Probably it just wasn't a great fit once the dopamine wore of for her.

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That is very comical to me. It won't help you other than to validate you but I was with an INTJ who spent maybe 50 minutes of an hour talking about her job before I interjected something. In a few minutes she interrupted me and said "I feel like this conversation is all about you". She was dead serious.

 

[Scientia]

@infjguy You have to figure out why you fall in love with and continually chase women who treat you like dirt and why you can't fall in love with those who treat you well. That's the crux of the problem.

 

[infjguy]

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That is very comical to me. It won't help you other than to validate you but I was with an INTJ who spent maybe 50 minutes of an hour talking about her job before I interjected something. In a few minutes she interrupted me and said "I feel like this conversation is all about you". She was dead serious.

OMG thank you. You get me fam.

 

[infjguy]

@infjguy You have to figure out why you fall in love with and continually chase women who treat you like dirt and why you can't fall in love with those who treat you well. That's the crux of the problem.

truth

 

[infjguy]

Sounds like NT is alluring to you, and perhaps you are attracted to this aspect as "other." However, at some point you need aspects of "same" (NF).

I think you need to find a highly disciplined/organised (ocd?) NF, who is definitely warm, but not cloyingly so; a girl who is hard to figure out, and can be both a complete softy and an exacting achiever.

Do those exist? lol. Maybe I just need NT friends and should avoid Ni Te in relationships idk.

 

[infjguy]

I was on the other side of that. I think I've told my story in another way in another discussion, but your point of view has really helped me understand what he was going through. I ended up pushing him away completely because it hurt a lot when he did that, but he did what he needed to, and I was the one who told him we should wait and be friends... That didn't work, but I'm hoping we can be friends again in time. I hope everything works out alright for you. Stay true to yourself and your feelings. good luck!

Thank you!

 

[infjguy]

Update:

I spent a great weekend with new girl. We talked and I told her how I was feeling pressure but that I wanted to understand what her needs were so that I could make sure I was understanding what was going on and not just projecting. We had a really good discussion. It was a little emotional and cautious but I feel like she understands where I am now more. That I'm still healing and processing my past relationship in order to be the best I can going forward. That I need to go slow, and that I sometimes jump to conclusions that cause me to feel pressure. I told her a bit more about my past relationships and she shared more about hers both in the context of what were the needs being met and the needs not getting met. Followed by discussions around what were the needs we identified that we're looking for getting met in a relationship. That was partially paused so that we could consider it further on our own for future discussion. I think the net result was that I felt more at ease and less pressured to be somewhere I'm not emotionally. I think she felt more secure in that I shared my feelings with her and am interested to understand her needs for security and willing to communicate in ways that will create more security for her. I feel like creating some clarity through open communication created emotional space for me to see her better and to allow myself to enjoy her for who/what she is. I guess I need a wide open space in order to allow my heart to connect. When I feel pressured to reciprocate, albeit self generated pressure (Fe), I close off and can't explore properly. Makes it more difficult to fall for expressive extroverts to some extent at this point in my life. But with mature communication I can methinks. I really don't know how things will progress but I feel ok about that uncertainty and more able to enjoy what is. Hope I still feel like this tomorrow, but today that's my take. Also sex. Lot's of really good sex.