I'm about to drop a bomb

[infjguy]

Ok I'm going to try to make this succinct. I had a relationship just under two years that ended about 6 months ago. It was mystical and magical from the moment I met her. She (intj) captured my heart and mind and I fell deeply in love with her. It started where we both were not looking for anything serious but there was no way this wasn't going to be casual. After 15 or so months she started to become self absorbed and dismissive of my needs to feel connected. There's a ton of details here but let's just say it was something akin to a NF/NT death spiral on steroids. I tried over and over to communicate in a healthy way but she would just be dismissive or annoyed. Since I had fallen so hard that really fucked with my head. Eventually I broke up with her because it was too painful and made me feel crazy. I learned a lot from it though and still am.

I started dating again after a few months with a new list of red flags to look for. I wasn't looking for casual but for all of the things missing in that painful experience.

I have been dating for 3 months or so a new girl. How she treats me on paper is everything missing from the previous gf. She's great. More mature, has her shit together, way into me, sex is fantastic and plentiful, its a long list of good things. Here's the problem areas. I'm not infatuated with her nor falling in love though I like her. It's nice. I told her from the beginning when she was asking if I was open to finding something serious and long term to which I replied yeah, that's actually all I'm looking for but I have to go very sloooow, in part because it takes me a while to open up / trust and partially because my last relationship ended not too long ago. She has been moving fast in spite of that. She's a more decisive type and she was way into me from the get go. I'm still heart broken from being so vulnerably in love and having my needs dismissed etc... I didn't realize the extent until the new girl started looking for more emotional connection / security from me faster than I was ready. She told me like week two that she was taking down her online profiles and wanted to focus just on me...freaked me out a little but wtv. That dynamic is still at play. I like her too much to call it but I don't want to do to her what my ex gf did to me so I'm feeling more withdrawl / run reactions internally as she is pushing forward full steam.

We're going to talk today because she is noticing my reactions and seems to be having feelings resulting that seem familiar to what I was feeling with ex gf but only after 15 months...this has only been like 3. I'm planning on telling her the following: Partially I think its how quick we went from hello to acting like we were in a LTR. It all went faster than I meant for it to and I feel like you are emotionally invested more than I can be right now. I told you things in the beginning like I need to go really slow when you asked if I was open to something serious. That's still true. Except that it didn't go slow and I'm uncomfortable. Part of my uncomfortableness is due to realizing that I have some stuff I need to work on in order to be ready for a serious (and healthy) relationship. Partially because I think you're all in and I feel an imbalance. Like you are needing more from me than I can give right now and I feel pressure from that to have emotions that I don't have and probably can't have right now. It isn't fair to you and the dynamic doesn't feel good to me either. I'm not feeling what you're feeling for me and it makes me self conscious because I don't want to be inauthentic by just saying what I think you want to hear. I don't want to mess things up because there's a lot of good dynamics. But I need to be honest about the above so that you know where I'm at.

Thoughts?

TLDR: Girl broke my heart cause I fell in love and she cooled off. New girl is going too fast and it feels like I'm cooling off cause I don't want to fake it. Feels like the reverse of when I was heart broken. Gonna have to tell her I'm uncomfortable

 

[Sloe Djinn]

Looks like you've got it thought out pretty well. The tough thing is going to be deciding what this all means for your present relationship, but the important thing is that you're being honest and straightforward about it.

 

[infjguy]

Looks like you've got it thought out pretty well. The tough thing is going to be deciding what this all means for your present relationship, but the important thing is that you're being honest and straightforward about it.

Thank you. Yeah that is the tough thing. I'm not sure if the good dynamics are enough to get me to a point where I'd actually reciprocate her feelings for me. I lack the raw attraction she seems to have for me. It's like, I know there's no such thing as a perfect relationship but if I don't feel super into her I might be bored or just bad for her.

 

[Littlelissa]

I think your response sounds O.K. and what your planning is not emotional withdrawal because your going to tell her your feelings. It sounds like she didn't really take to heart what you said about needing to go slow in the first place. Having said in the beginning that you want a proper thing, I would say doesn't tie you to being truly madly deeply in love with her at this point. Just because you know you want that sort of relationship. It sounds like you want to find out if it could be with her. If you've discussed being magnanimous and want to be magnanimous maybe you need to discuss the difference between exclusiveness and being well and truly in for the long haul together. Could you be magnanimous because you prefer it that way, but still be in early stages of dating together?

I think it's fine what you decide it's just a question of being clear about what you want together and what it's going to look like. That can also change as you go along, or not. Maybe your not going to warm to this girl really in the long term too? I could be wrong, but if there is a miss-match in your expectations it's definitely better she cool off a bit now, but be comfortable in where she stands. It sounds like you thought there was good stuff in the relationship (but maybe not a 'love' thing), I don't know.

 

[infjguy]

I think your response sounds O.K. and what your planning is not emotional withdrawal because your going to tell her your feelings. It sounds like she didn't really take to heart what you said about needing to go slow in the first place.

Thank you I appreciate the validation. And I agree I don't think she registered what I was saying.

I would say doesn't tie you to being truly madly deeply in love with her at this point. Just because you know you want that sort of relationship.

Right, I needed to hear that. May seem obvious but while i'm sensitive I'm not super experienced with how to both be honest and open when it means saying something in a early dating scenario that might rock the boat.

the difference between exclusiveness and being well and truly in for the long haul together

Good point. Maybe i'm not ready for the exclusiveness that I let her push on me.

It sounds like you thought there was good stuff in the relationship (but maybe not a 'love' thing), I don't know.

Exactly. There's a lot of good things which are actually things I want I'm just not sure she's going to be intellectually interesting enough to me to capture my heart. I want to be surprised by an SO's inner thoughts about the world or her tastes etc... and she's kinda basic... but possibly that's why she's good at the mechanics of a relationship idk.

 

[Littlelissa]

There's a lot of good things which are actually things I want I'm just not sure she's going to be intellectually interesting enough to me to capture my heart. I want to be surprised by an SO's inner thoughts about the world or her tastes etc... and she's kinda basic... but possibly that's why she's good at the mechanics of a relationship idk.

I think it's important to bear that in mind, she may not have what it takes to maintain your interest for the long haul. I know that it's the same for me, so I can appreciate what your saying. Although it may seem a bit mean- and obviously you aren't going to be mean about it, but it's much better of being honest now and lowering the bar before she gets more into you.

I'm a woman so I don't mean it to sound like I'd advocating you being insensitive or dismissive of her, I know it may sound a bit like it, but it's easier to take I think if a guy is clear about what he's putting in from the start. Then it's up to her of she's up for it or not.

 

[infjguy]

I'm a woman so I don't mean it to sound like I'd advocating you being insensitive or dismissive of her, I know it may sound a bit like it, but it's easier to take I think if a guy is clear about what he's putting in from the start. Then it's up to her of she's up for it or not.

INTERESTING!

 

[Littlelissa]

INTERESTING!

What is saying is that it's easier if expectations are raised along the way...rather than lowered, no one likes that.
And I'm sure a sensitive sweet INFJ, you sound like your a nice guy, I'm sure you'll find the right way. Personally talking about feelings has never come that easy to me, but it's definitely important to have these difficult discussions, and can make a lot of difference to the health of a relationship.

 

[infjguy]

What is saying is that it's easier if expectations are raised along the way...rather than lowered, no one likes that.
And I'm sure a sensitive sweet INFJ, you sound like your a nice guy, I'm sure you'll find the right way. Personally talking about feelings has never come that easy to me, but it's definitely important to have these difficult discussions, and can make a lot of difference to the health of a relationship.

I'd like this response but IDK where the like button is :/

 

[Littlelissa]

You need more likes yourself before you can ...still I'd feel more comfortable if you got advice from someone other than just me...!!

Good luck anyway!
Love and companionship comes in lots of different guises, shapes and sizes.

 

[infjguy]

Thank you mellisa*

 

[the]

Maybe you should take some time off from dating all together. You seem to have landed a great thing, and now you are gonna ruin it.

 

[infjguy]

Maybe you should take some time off from dating all together. You seem to have landed a great thing, and now you are gonna ruin it.

If this doesn't work yeah I will probably take some time off. How do you see it working out as a "ruin" to tell someone you're uncomfortable because its moving too fast and I need to slow down a bit?

 

[the]

If this doesn't work yeah I will probably take some time off. How do you see it working out as a "ruin" to tell someone you're uncomfortable because its moving too fast and I need to slow down a bit?

It seems as though you aren't ready at all for a serious relationship. You seem ready, at most, for a fwb. So far from my limited knowledge, you had two g/fs and you've found fault with both of them. You are taking action to dial down the one you have now. I am pretty sure that wont last. Can you image having someone you are serious about say the equivalent of "hey, lets not like each other so much". That is how she will interpret it.

 

[infjguy]

So far from my limited knowledge, you had two g/fs and you've found fault with both of them.

Always looking for and open to personal growth...can you elaborate if this statement is a criticism or if its simply a observation? If it's the former, what about describing issues in a relationship is bad?

 

[the]

Always looking for and open to personal growth...can you elaborate if this statement is a criticism or if its simply a observation? If it's the former, what about describing issues in a relationship is bad?

It's just an observation. I don't think you are doing it purposefully or with a mean spirit. Just that a pattern may be present.

 

[infjguy]

You are taking action to dial down the one you have now. I am pretty sure that wont last. Can you image having someone you are serious about say the equivalent of "hey, lets not like each other so much". That is how she will interpret it.

Good point. Perhaps there's a way I can be transparent without coming off like I'm in a bad place. I don't really feel like I want to stop seeing her I just don't want to feel like a bad guy because I'm not where she is at this point.

 

[infjguy]

It's just an observation. I don't think you are doing it purposefully or with a mean spirit. Just that a pattern may be present.

Yeah there may be a pattern. I'm not sure. I mean I am an INFJ and can be idealistic looking for a partner but partially that is because I want to commit to someone with whom I can go the distance and with a person who can go the distance with me.

 

[Jet]

Can you image having someone you are serious about say the equivalent of "hey, lets not like each other so much".

Shit are we not supposed to say that lol? Can we think it?

 

[Stu]

Whether you say it in words or actions, when you tell a woman to slow down she pulls up stakes and splits.